Worth a Thousand Words

Here is a picture from last Halloween of me and The Man, yes, yes, I know, he is The Man that drives me crazy, makes me want to beat him silly or put him in a nursing home when he turns 45, but....I have to admit, any man who would let his wife dress him up in matching sailor outfits, well, that's a GOOD MAN! I have to admit, after 18 years, he's grown on me...yeah, on my last nerve! bwa-hahaha OK, OK, I'll let you in on a secret, he's very hot, I mean very, very hot, you can't tell from this picture, well because this is the picture in which I looked the cutest (more important) I'll find a good picture of him and post it, he is Beckham hot *woo-hoo* As my inappropriate friend AJ once said " Sweetie, he could be in Gay Porn" TMI, TMI, TMI AJ! (mental note: keep an eye on AJ and 2 feet between him and The Man) Stay tuned ladies, I will post the HOT picture soon, for now enjoy the view of my "arroz con pollo" thighs and "black beans and rice" ass.

Thanks Jen!

Hope

Today I voted against Amendment 2, here in Florida. I have many Christian and Catholic friends who I am sure are aghast, on the other hand I have many gay friends, who do a little fist pump as they read this. I am a minority, twice over, I am a woman and Hispanic, and I do not think our state constitution should be amended to take peoples rights away. I have friends and family of all races, religions and sexual orientations. I love them all, above all I respect them all. I believe in families, what ever shape or form families have, these families and/ or couples deserve to be protected. I believe that Americans should have equal rights and protection under the law.

My children have been aware of homosexuality since they were about 5, I know this seems early, but we were in Key West, and it was unavoidable, so we had to give them an age appropriate explanation, which promptly caused one son, quite frankly to state that his brother was gay- the brother thought girls had cooties and wanted nothing to do with them, therefore: GAY. There views and knowledge have changed through the years, they have told me there are openly gay students in their High School, and these kids are accepted. I found this amazing, having come form a Macho culture where my gay male friends literally had to move to Europe to have any sort of open life!

I'm straight and have been married for 18 years, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in the vows that I and my husband pronounced in a church before God, that was between my husband, myself and God, had nothing to do with the Government, or anyone else.

This is an excerpt form a speech by Harvey Milk- I believe in HOPE, but you can not live on hope alone, we must act.

Need to SHARE!

I have to share this with you all :) Chelsea Handler is one of my favorite people in the world, I think she is just so funny. She is so bad, but I love her and find her to be equally offensive to all! As her guest she had on Amy Sedaris (sister to David Sedaris) who is special. Special and highly HIGHlarious. If you have ever seen her old show "Strangers with Candy" you know what I am talking about. Her humor almost always makes me uncomfortable, which I think is genius, because it it makes me squirm, think of the "huevos" (balls) Amy has to have to sit there and do it with a straight face! Ladies, I give to you, the offensive, yet so amusing, personal hygiene bit these girls did on Chelsea's show: click here!

BTW, that book she is promoting is the BEST!

I can do this

My youngest was born on July 6th it was a Monday and I had a wonderful pregnancy. On the 4th of July, I had walked all the monuments on the mall in Washington and stayed out to watch the fireworks, a rode the metro home. That’s how good I felt. I went in at 6am for a pre-planned c-section, since my first had been an emergency caesarian, it was just my husband and I, as my parent had stayed home to watch my eldest, and he was 15 months old. I was 20, not yet able to order a beer, but having my second baby. The epidural did not do the trick and they eventually knocked me out cold, my husband was in the ER, mostly because I told him I would never speak to him again if he did not go in. He still complains about this one, he says it was the worst thing he has ever seen in his life, not the baby part, all the other stuff! I did not see my baby, the first thing I remember was opening my eyes in the hospital room, I could here my father and husband whispering at the door, I was alone in the room. They were speaking in Spanish and my husband sounded scared, very scared. All I could make out was that the baby had been taken to another unit, they were examining him and he had several deformities, they were trying to figure out what else was wrong with him. Now I am a child of the 80’s and immediately the scene fro V when the human girl has the alien baby came to mind, scenes Mask and some Ripley's two faced boy, all mixed together. I did not want to speak with them, or the doctor or the nurse; I wanted to see my baby. I am sure I must have yelled it quite a few times, and loud enough, because the produced him rather quickly. OMG, he was the cutest baby I had ever seen. Big round bald head, giant green eyes and a perfect red pouty mouth. I was so relieved, I checked him out, he had 6 toes on each foot and his itty-bitty fingers were fused together or webbed, I immediately turned to my husband and told him “this is OK, I can deal with this, he’s perfect” That was it, I never turned back, whatever had to be done, was cool, I can do this.

Pre-Hairy- Worth a Thousand Words Thrusday

These are my boys, this photo was taken in 2004, in four short years they have both grown taller than me, they have much longer hair than me, and one of them actually has to shave more often than my husband! ha-ha Time Flies when you're a full-time employee, full-time mom, full time wife, as well as The Man's "personal assistant" and full time dog mama :-)

As always, Thanks Jen!

The way I lost 100 POUNDS!

This was NOT it....yesterday I didn't have lunch because I left work early to go to the dentist...bad news, the Dentist wants $1200 from me for stuff that really does not make much sense to me...whatever! When I finish paying for the braces for one of the hairy ones, and pay to have 8 wisdom teeth removed form the 2 other hairy's, then I will consider the $1200 for my teeth, that would be in about , umm...5 years!

That's not the point of the story! I got home at 5:30, STARVING! Too early to make the pasta I had planned for dinner, so what did I do? I ate 15 olives, while waiting 20 minutes for the cornbread I made from a packet to be ready, then I stuffed MA FACE with warm cornbread smothered in BUTTER!

And then at 7:30 I ate some pasta! UGH! Not good....I am pretty sure this sort of behavior is not conducive to me losing those last PESKY 10 lbs! Oh well, I could do the SMART thing and invest in an ALL BLACK Wardrobe, how EMO of me :)

OMG Monday, even though it's Tuesday!

I love this PIN! Highlarious! Awesome!
This is my step son, he was 3 when I married his Dad. At one point we got separated in the crowd and I turned around to make sure I could pull him towards me. There was a little old lady behind me, and I said "excuse me, I'm leaving my kid behind, can you let him through?" When she saw him, she blurted out "This man is your son! That's a BIG KID!" ha-ha, boy an as you all know I am only 21...I was a a week old when he was born! hahaaaaaa
We fly the flag and we are Pro-America, and we are the "real" America, and I AM American, even if I can speak another language and eat arroz con pollo and have a Latin Bootay!
As close as I got to Obama, a Jumbotron!

This is what happened on Monday Night, I went to the Obama Rally in O-town, oh it was just me, my step son and 59,998 people!

What were we thinking? Well, we thought if we didn't go we would regret it later, this could be our chance to see Barak Obama, who could turn out to our next president, etc, yada, yada, yada....well, let's put it this way, we squirmed our way through the crowd for about an hour and we still could not even see the STAGE! But, we did get to see the JUMBOTRON and hear him as well as Hillary! It was fun :)

WTF? Friday..

Today is What the F? Friday! yay-yay-yay! Next week I will figure out how to make a cute button and then sign other bloggers up so we can link and all that cool stuff! Here is my WTF? When I moved into my house 2 years ago, there was so "fake" plants with flowers hanging outside int he screen patio. Yes, I should have thrown them out immediately, who puts fake plats OUTSIDE? I didn't I left them there. I am a PLANT KILLER, I have never been able to keep a plant alive, I think that I could somehow manage to kill fake plants. The other day I look up at the fake plant and what do I see??? I real plant growing out of the FAKE one! Seriously, WTF!? bwa-ha-haaaa!

Worth A Thousand Words Thursday

This a my best friend. We met in 1985- we were 13. I think we were 16 in this picture, we still are friends today. Not the kind where we see each other all the time (we live 3 hours away) or even talk everyday. But when it's important were there. We have lived through boyfriends, husbands, high school ,cheer leading, sickness, babies, baby blues and anything else you can think of. I love her. Thanks, Jen for the whole thousand word Thursday!

I'm a "liberated" woman!

All my life I have enjoyed bugging my Mom, mostly by shocking her and being outrageous. This is relatively easy, she was 35 when I was born (not a young mom in the 70's) besides that she grew up in Latin America in those times was like growing up in the 1800's! ha-ha I was married the summer after I graduated high school and had never really thought about NOT changing my name, I simply was too lazy to do so. I had to fill out paperwork, get a new licence, social security and the biggest pain of all, change my passport! By this time my son had been born and my mother came to me one day VERY concerned.

La Mama: Mijita, when are you going to change your name?
La Hija (me): HUH?
La Mama: They are going to think you are a single mother, you don;t have the same last name as your son!
La Hija: Mom! Who is they?
La Mama: The people at daycare, the pediatrician
La Hija: So, Mom, there are worse things than being a single Mother...
La Mama- dead silence, laser beams eyes *sigh* (old school Latin women = no confrontation)

Well, that was it, I was never going to be able to take my husbands name- I will be forever Ms. Former Fat Chic.

The Man gets mail addressed to Mr. Former Fat Chic, he does not like that!

And of course the puppy is Lulu Former Fat Chic! He gets the boys for his name and I get my little Lulu- sounds fair to me!

Happy Birthday Big Sis

Today is Piece o' Coconut Cake AKA - my Big Sister's B-day, she turns 28....which you all know makes me as always FOREVER 21! I'm holding the GLOWORM, ie my niece, this photo was taken a few years ago on her b-day, she was turning 28, I was also Forever 21!~

This is why I did'nt BLOG this Weekend-

My friends spent the weekend at the house and we had a 3 year old and the 5 month old, pictured below with us all week end! We haven't had a baby in over 14 years in out home, so no baby tubs, hence bathing Noah in my kitchen sink!

OMG- MONDAY~

I see all the cute things other bloggers come up with- Tempt my Tummy Tuesday's, POW Friday's, Worth A Thousand Words Thursdays. Presenting: OMG-Monday and WTF- Friday's!

So here is the first OMG-Monday post

I CUT my hair!!!!!

Here are the before and after pics!

Meme- I was tagged

I've been tagged by Piece 'o Coconut Cake!Here are the Rules:1.Link to the person that tagged you2.Post the rules on your blog3.Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself4.Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs5.Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.6.Let your tagger know when your entry is UP.

oh, randomness, where art thou....

1. I held on to a pair of size 4 Guess Jeans for 20 years, just in case they ever fit again, they are acid wash.

2. If I could fit my large, arroz con pollo thighs and Iris Chacon ass in those jeans, I would wear them every day, acid wash and all.

3. My godfather, a good friend of my father's actually offered to "get rid" of my husband when my father told him I was pregnant and getting married, I was 18. I found this out 5 years ago.

4. I have lived in 7 countries and 3 different states, I moved every 2 or4 years as a child. I get sudden urges to change jobs or move homes every 2 to 4 years. The nomad in me doesn't go away.

5. I want to be a Flight Attendant when my youngest goes to college, in 2.5 years (this is not a joke) or I will find a job in Dubai for a 3 year contract (one of these 2 will happen)

6. I was once a singer in a pop group with a #1 hit, this was in Central America, so I don't think it counts as much,as like being Tiffany or something. Since I moved so much, I have no pictures or video, or even recordings. I did however find some newspaper clipings, just in case one day I have to prove it.

I have no one to tag, becasue my sister stole them all....very sucky!

1. Hot Wheel Mama- she's one hot mama!
2. Posey- she is SOOOO charming!
3. Happy Hour Sue- I'm obsessed with her, she is up with w/ Tina Fey funny!
4. Jamey- because she is crafty!
5. Mrs. 4444- her car full of beer was the best pic ever!
6. Jen- the ultimate Mom-ultimate!

The Man makes me Crazy- how crazy?

Does your husband make you crazy?

I have a friend of a friend who once hit her husband over the head with a frying pan...Does your husband make you that crazy, I threaten The Man with this one all the time!

I must admit, I once chased The Man around the house while trying to WHIP him with an extension cord, I got him once or twice, I also got his best friend (they SO deserved it.)

OK, I'll tell you, they came home late (I was of course stuck at home with 2 babies) there was alcohol involved, and then they decided to watch BRAVEHEART. After that I recall them donning towels as kilts and beating each other with the wrapping paper (their swords) while jumping on my sofas. No, they were not 5 & 6, they were almost 30! I warned them over and over, they just kept yuk'ing it up. The angrier I got, the more they laughed. While I was trying to flog them with the extension cord, I was concerned they would pee on my carpet they were laughing SO HARD!

Now...sometimes I wonder if The Man will ever make me THIS MAD!

Kath & Kim and my hair doo

Last night I watched Kath & Kim...I thought it was HIGHlarious. Those two women were hysterical, my husband just kept on glancing over at me and shaking his head. He thought they were stupid, wateve! More importantly, Selma Blair is one of my new obsession, sort of like Obama Guy, Britney Spears and The Election. I am mostly obsessed with her adorable hair cuts, I love them! So in an effort to gain the confidence to chop my hair off, I have been trimming it shorter and shorter for a year. Well, this weekend, my hairdresser/friend will be staying at my house, so if I do not look like the picture below by Sunday night there is going to be HELL to pay!

Thousand Word Thursday- today is 700 billion?

This is my niece, Piece of Coconut's kid, about 30 minutes after she was born, she is so funny! Every time I look at this picture I think she looks just like a GLOWORM! I want to squeeze her and see if her head lights up! Is that wrong?

Thanks, Jen for sharing A Thousand Words Thursday with us!

EFF the Election, let's talk about ME!

Enough already with the election, and the bad economy, and how next week we might all be in lines in a soup kitchen, or living in some park, because it will be just like the great depression. I can't take it anymore! This is worse when I had to check the internets every five minutes to see if Britney Spears had killed herself or OD'ed or totaled her car! At least then I could go to sleep at night, shrugging it off by saying, well at least I'm not Britney Spears, that bitch is EFF'ed, now that doesn't work- I AM the American people! (yes, I am one person, but I am sure my large ass counts as a whole different person too, I checked with the census people, OK?) I am the families who have not had health insurance, I am the family with a child with special needs, I am the teenager who "abstinence education" DID NOT work for, I am the woman who HAD to work after having children (maybe because I was 19!) I am the family who will have 3 kids in College at once and has NO clue how this is be accomplished and the only one I can think of that I am NOT, is a family that has lost their home, but wait a minute- check back in a year, I might be that Family too! Boy, talk about rant....no wonder I am so damn obsessed with this election. Do I sound like a nutty Bill Maher or Dennis Leary, OK, tomorrow I will tell how I climbed out my window at 16, but could not manage to climb back in at 3am! ha-ha

Palin the Winker

Costumes, I love DRESS UP, even on Halloween

So you all voted and I am going to be WONDER WOMAN for Halloween. I announced it to my husband over the weekend, just out of the blue.

The Man: (looking at some useless magazine with motorcycles)

Me: You know what? (no response) I'm going to Wonder Woman for Halloween

The Man: OK, random

Me: You wanna be Superman?

The Man: No

Me: You wanna be Wonder Woman's boss, that Air Force guy?

The Man: No

Me: You wanna go to the costume shop ans see what they have for you?

The Man: No, we have no where to go on Halloween, I am NOT dressing up (the party we were planning on going to got canx, so sucky!)

Me: UM, nah, we are dressing up and we are going out on Halloween, and I will be a kick ass Wonder Woman!

The Man: (doesn't even lift his head form the mag)

It's on bitches, I am crashing some one's party on Halloween!

To prove to you my love of randomly dressing up, I provide the following:

Most are from Spirit week and my former job the girls school...

The Blues Mothers

Tacky Tuesday

Pin Up Captain and her SailorThing one and Thing TwoOK, so it's not really me, but in my dreams this is what I look like : )

7-11, every vote counts

So, DUH, how nutty am I! I JUST checked out the 7-11 site and they are keeping track and you can see your state, red and blue and Florida is BLUE! yes!

It so fun and funny!

7-11 counting the coffee cups!

Oh Lord, I want to thank you for Florida is, at least on this map, a BLUE state!

Back to 7-11

This morning, I once again needed gas and coffee, this is uncommon for me because#1 I drive a mini and I only have to fill him up (his name is Big Boy) about every 2 weeks and #2 I manage a facility that has a very POSH coffee lounge and coffee is FREE! But I have been staying up to all hours of the night watching all the pundits, and I mean ALL, yes, even FOX *ugh* News (the News part I use loosely) and I am DEAD tired. There are so many polls, and so many factors and it's making my pretty little head hurt. So I have decided there is only one way to go, or I mean one place to go... 7-11 to visit my friend form Massachusetts, The Obama Guy.

It took me a while to come up with this, screw the polls, whoever the guy at 7-11 says is getting the most coffee cups (you know the Obama or McCain one's) should be the winner of the election. I mean why not? I live in Florida, is t not going to be FLORIDA, FLORIDA, FLORIDA??? Maybe I will stat calling 7-11's in Ohio and ask the attendants which cups are selling the most.

It then dawned on me....do Republicans get coffee at 7-11? I can't envision Cindy McCain pumping her own gas, or getting a slushee! Or maybe I live in a Democratic area (I don't think so, there is 1 black family in my sub-division, and we are the token Hispanics.) All of this was irrelevant- The Obama Guy was working today :(

This is a picture of my Mini- Big Boy and UGLY BETTY (me) haha- yes, I was FATTER, yes, I wore GLASSES, NO I didn't have braces- Why was I in a Catholic School Girl uniform? hmmmmmmmm, I plead the 5th.

My Lobotomy

No, I didn't get a Lobotomy...however, I was at Barnes and Nobel on Saturday afternoon and there was a whole table on books, mostly memoirs of people with mental illness. The girl who struggles with OCD through out High School, hmmm, sounds interesting, but then I picked up a book called "My Lobotomy." I read the back, it combined everything I love: Angst, Mental Illness, Redemption and NPR! NPR was involved in helping this man get information on what had happened to him, and bring his story to light. The victim of the lobotomy is young boy lobotomized (at 12) mostly coz his step Mom was psycho. He then recounts his difficult (an understatement) path to adulthood and reconciling with the bitter facts of his life and the decision's his family made that changed him forever. I started reading as soon as I got home. My husband was getting annoyed, because if I am reading, I am not paying attention to him, or more accurately "scratching him." My husband is one of those people. He needs your attention all the time, and he needs physical contact all the time, preferably in the form of me scratching him: his back, his head, and I am embarrassed to admit: his feet. I don't mind (that much), and I have grown to accept the fact that his will power and determination far out weigh mine....for instance:

The Man: Scratch my feet
Me: No
The Man: Come one, scratch my feet
Me: No

Multiply this time 700 billion, I always cave in just so he will shut up.

Sunday afternoon: I am almost done with my book-

The Man: What are you reading?
Me: I book about a kid who got a Lobotomy
The Man: Why would you read that, it sounds horrible!
Me: Oh, it's sickening, terrible the worst thing I have ever heard!
The Man: Your sick- why do you always read about such horrible things.
Me: It's interesting, besides maybe I can find someone to perform a lobotomy on you, and then I could make you scratch MY FEET!

Palin v. Biden in the Debate

I did not watch the debate last night, I was sucking down vodka tonic's at a business party and trying to mingle with people who I really have no interest in chatting with, but hey, the Economy sucks and honey, we all gotta work it!

When I got home I asked my hubby how the debate was, this was his interpretation, he only gave me what he felt were the 2 cringe inducing moments:

• Palin kept on looking in the camera and winking (boy Tina Fey is use THAT)
• Biden almost cried (this is bad in a man's view, but I think humanizing to a woman)

That was all the info I got out of him! He did however wake up laughing thinking about Palin's winks! He thought it was the funniest thing ever?!

Wordless Thursday- My baby

This is my youngest son, he's 16, he will still hold my hand in public, kiss me good-bye in front of his friends and calls me "Mama Cakes" I like him, even if he is a boy, and becoming a hairy man like the others in my house.

Obama Guy

This morning I was at 7-11 to get gas and I went in for a cup of coffee, they had Obama and Mcain cups, so I more than happy to get my java in a Obama cup! As I was paying the store owner told me he was conducting his own poll, and he had seen 7 Obama cups to 3 McCain cups! Sounds scientific to me! He then smiles and said "I'm an Obama Guy!"

He was chatty and then told me that earlier this morning a man had gotten very offended, at his happy "I'm an Obama Guy" chant and whipped around and asked him menacingly "where are you from?" Now, this is my favorite 7-11, in fact it was Simpsonized last year and I went EVERYDAY to buy Buzz Cola, and love on the Homer cut out, and to say that this guy is Apu's twin would be an understatement. My Obama Guy quickly answered with all honesty and sincerity: I'm from Massachusetts's!

Fake Troll thinks I'm stupid

My sis called me frantically yesterday morning to tell me I had a TROLL! huh? I was busy working all day long and did not have time to even think yesterday...

Finally last night I did some research and found out what a troll is and what to do! I don;t really think I have a real Troll...just someone who disagrees with my political views, and hey that's cool.

This pseud-Troll thinks I'm stupid and Obama is snake oil salesmen...whateve!

Here is what I found out about Trolls in general, this is from http://www.flayme.com/:

What Is A Troll?
The term derives from "trolling", a style of fishing which involves trailing bait through a likely spot hoping for a bite. The troll posts a message, often in response to an honest question, that is intended to upset, disrupt or simply insult the group.
Usually, it will fail, as the troll rarely bothers to match the tone or style of the group, and usually its ignorance shows.

Why do trolls do it?
I believe that most trolls are sad people, living their lonely lives vicariously through those they see as strong and successful.
Disrupting a stable newsgroup gives the illusion of power, just as for a few, stalking a strong person allows them to think they are strong, too.
For trolls, any response is 'recognition'; they are unable to distinguish between irritation and admiration; their ego grows directly in proportion to the response, regardless of the form or content of that response.
Trolls, rather surprisingly, dispute this, claiming that it's a game or joke; this merely confirms the diagnosis; how sad do you have to be to find such mind-numbingly trivial time wasting to be funny?
Remember that trolls are cowards; they'll usually post just enough to get an argument going, then sit back and count the responses (Yes, that's what they do!).

Too Much to Drink at a Wedding!

I had a few too many Vodka's at a Wedding Saturday night....I wasn't falling down drunk or anything, but I was happily dancing, shaking ma' bo-tay the whole time, with a group of ole' biddies...as NO men were dancing! So what, I shaked my ass with some 80 year olds! Just think how good I must have looked next to them all! hahaaaaaaaa...when I got home I woke my dog up and made her get in bed with me so I could kiss and love her all over AND I made my husband take a picture of me...now look at my dog's face....this is what I think she's thinking:

Hubby, you think you're getting your hands on this tipsy hottie? HA! I don't think so! She's mine now, I'm sleeping right here, and she's gonna pet me all night..NOT YOU!

The Presidential Debate

The debate as last night......did I watch? Nah... we had a block party and there was Smirnoff Ice, and well I had a few and just really didn't feel like I needed to stop drinking, eating and socializing! And truly at this point I would have to personally catch Barak Obama (or Barry Baby, as I call him) in bed with a live boy or a dead girl, for me not to vote for him...just saying!

My almost brother-in-law, John Leguizamo

I love John Leguizamo! Always have , always will. The man is smart, funny, insightful and so talented. However, he is not my type, eventhough I am a Latin woman, I likes the blond mens, wiz the green eye and ze big thighz and no hairs..ya? That was Inga, she picks my mens. Whatever...I was at Jury Duty in Miami and there was John Leguizamo filming on the steps on the court house (The Pest, stinker, but I still love him) I watched for about an hour and figured out which was his trailer. It was time to make my move....I told the girl next to me in Jury Duty waiting room -"um, I have to go to the bathroom, not feeling good, let them know if they call my name"

Did I go to the bathroom, um, NO! I went downstairs, out the door and straight to the man's trailer, you know what, he came walking out not but a minute later! I told him, I was a BIG fan of his one-man show, and that it was genetic, my LOVE for him. My Mama loves, him, I love him and my HOT single sister Coco loves him! I actually said- "you should meet her" He politely declined, saying alas he was married. I thought of tackling him into his trailer, and then tying him up like Kathy Bates in Misery, he was little, I was big...but I was in front of the court house and there were cops everywhere!

Needless to say, I ran into him again, a couple of years later...I don't even remember how, in Miami again, and he remembered me! He told me he was divorced, and how about a date with my sis! hahahaaaaaa, of course that bitch was married by then! She ruined my chances of being John Leguizamo's sister-in-law! How awesome would that have been!

UM, Not so MUCH, Fat BOY!
Oh yeah BABY~I can take you home to meet Mama & Papa!



OH! There is my tattooed Bad Boy! Forget going to Mama & Papa's- I can take you HOME!

A Thousand Word Thursday

You are supposed to post a picture which you feel is worth a thousand words...here's mine!

See that man, that's my Daddy, the one on the right! ha-ha! See that woman, that's Janet Reno. My Daddy is the kind of man that LOVES Janet Reno, he respects her and thinks she kicks ass! He will vote for a woman in a heart beat, just not Palin!(duh! that beyotch be crazy) My Daddy is an AWESOME man!

The link is on the left if you want to check out other bloggers Thousand Word Pictures

I love big butts!

One day I was lamenting to my sister how the only men who ever take notice of me are the following:

construction men

delivery men

bus boys

plumbers

bus drivers

She said I had the "cuerpo del pueblo" which means: The body of the people or blue collar booty!

Well you get my drift, I attract working class men, now this is fine with me. I don't like men who look like Hugh Grant or Rob Lowe, no petite men, in suits and glasses, with manicures for me! On the other hand...not once a guy in a suit, not once a distinguished man in a nice car, never even see them turn their heads...However a very old taxi driver once followed me for 6 blocks (I was walking home in the Dominican Republic) telling me I had to be "Iris Chacon's" daughter! I came home in tears, and asked my Mom "who is Iris Chacon?" Why? she asked, I told her about the taxi driver...she nearly peed she laughed so hard! This is Iris Chacon, also know as the Puerto Rican Bombshell, she was a famous for having a LARGE behind and shaking it!

I like big butts and I can not lie...I love my "Latina" rear end, it does not bother me at all, so when I blog about my big ass, know that I am not one of those girls who is being self-deprecating so other will comment: no, no, it's not so big....um, yes it IS and i LOVE it! Power to the Culonas! that means big booty chicks for you non-Spanish speakers!

Halloween

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Halloween....more than any Holiday, it would so top X-mas, if only I could guilt people in to giving me gifts, then it would be perfect! I adore costumes and if were up to me would probably randomly drees up every Friday, just for shits an giggles! Casual Friday= cowgirl day! Now, I always wanted to be the Great Pumpkin and begged my mother the year I was 12. She said no, because "how would I dance with the boys?" and well, it just wasn't pretty. True, but who says that to a 12 year old! I guess I could be the Giant Pumpkin, but now I have breasts and a figure and I love wearing cute costumes, no, not the Hustler or Playboy ones, but cute. When I was ginormous, I didn't care, and who really wants to see a size 20 sexy nurse, so I was always an ugly witch. I was scary, kids were too afraid to take candy from me! Little hairy one once said "don't worry, she not a real with, it's my Mom" he-he-he was he wrong! Any who this story is really about my GF with the smelly finger, one year she and her friend decided to go as giant Q-Tips (all dressed in white with white cotton turban wrapped heads, brazilliant!) only guys at the bars kept on asking them if they were TAMPONS! ha-ha and then some ass squirted ketchup on their heads.....ewwwwwww After that she vowed to only wear hot costumes, no more trying to be funny! So, help me decide on what I should be this Halloween....I love the 4 options, and you don't even have to register, just vote on my poll!

funny...

My girlfriend is going to have a baby and i have been begging to be one of the hosts for the shower! I am BABY CRAZY, I have always adored little babies, kids not so much, teenagers, keep the HELL away (specially if they are mine) Any who! I am browsing on-line for cute ideas and come across this......screeeeeeech, WTF? Um, really is this invite for someone having twins? Do they think one baby will come out white, and one come out brown? Or is the baby on the right brown cause it's sitting in esspresso.....Or wait, is this invite for that friend (we all have one) who is pregnant and well, you're not even sure what might come out, or who the baby Daddy might be? hmmmmmmm...the card says a baby is brewing...seems like trouble is brewing to me!

WTF? Crazy Britney Spears!

As I was merrily reading my people magazine best dressed edition this weekend I was stopped DEAD in my tracks, one second I was happily sunning in the hammock, while the mens did all the yard work, humming and lalalaing, pointing to dresses saying, I am SO going to get that! Ohhhhhh, I would looks SO hot in that dress! When there was the article on the Spears, seemed nice, she's getting her shiz back on track and then BAM! A picture in her back yard, her Daddy, the new baby Maddie and the two boys...wait, what is that behind them all....look closely a statue of a little black boy, sorta like a Lawn Jockey, but more exotic...looks like Webster in black face! hahaaaaa I crack myself up! Anyway, if you were a celebrity, grown in the deep south and you had a camera crew over to your house, wouldn't you pick up that little black boy and shove him in the back of the closet???

When My Sister takes the pictures

This is what happens when everyone else is drunk at the party and we have to delegate the picture taking to my sister Coco. She had 1 drink! By the way, I was dancing on table, hence the pictures of my feet and mostly of my GIANT ASS hoovering above the camera..... These photos are here to amuse you, but also to bring you to my next post, which involves my enormous arroz pollo ass, and those yuca and frijoles thighs, and a phrase my sister coined some years back. In Spanish: El Cuerpo del Pueblo, in English...The Body of the People....I know you can hardly wait for me to tell...it's coming!

My LOVE of HOOTERS

When I tell this story I get very strange looks...but I can't think of a better way of stating who I am, in essence I am a woman who does not give a F*ck. Every year for mother's day, at least for the last 10 years, we go out to lunch or dinner like most families do. We however will go to only one place on this sacred day: Hooters! Oh yes, the looks of pity I get are priceless, almost as good as getting real gifts or flowers or I dunno no, breakfast in bed (besides burnt toast and cold coffee.) I wasn't always like this, I once demanded a fancy brunch, but almost lost my mind with the overcrowded, over priced, gross food, screaming kids, etc. I love Hooters, I love the wings, I love the crab legs, I love the oyster roast, and I could care less that there are barley clothed big chested girls walking around. Whatever! Hooters is the best on Mother's Day, there are no lines, no inflated prices, and no screaming kids running around, it perfect! It also happens to be the only place I will go on Valentine's Day!

Internal Tourettes

I am not sure, I have to find out, mostly by doing research on-line, but I think I have "Internal Tourette's Syndrome" I.T.S. The reasons I believe this are endless, but I have insane thoughts, which are uncontrollable all the time, watching tv, talking on the phone, working, pretending to be listening to what my spouse is saying....Then there are the HIGHLY inappropriate ones...


For instance, there are 2 songs that pop into my head on a daily basis, it takes every fiber of my being to not bust out and start singing them at the top of my lungs, which of course would have to be accompanies by my brand of dancing, which is quite vulgar and mostly booty shaking, and OH MY, there is plenty O' BOOO-TAY to shake!

The songs are:

Are you Ready for the Sex Girls (yes it is a REAL song)- it is on the soundtrack to Revenge of the Nerds, a movie that any one who had HBO in the early 80's saw at least twice a day! Lambda-Lambda-Lambda's and Omega Moo's *woo-hoo*

Can a N!gg@ get a Table Dance! (once again a real song)- by 2 Live Crew, immortalized by Chris Rock- Shake it up! Shake It Up!

There is a third song, but it's not so bad, so I just bust out and sing all the time....

I know what boys like, I know what boys wants...la, la, la and then I skip off, oh yeah, I'm a big skipper....

The Hills and other High Brow Art

I love TRASH, I love watching all the trashy TV shows, I can't help it, I am mesmerized by these insane trashy people! I watched Flavor of Love, I love NY, Rock of Love, all the shows which clearly indicate the fall of western civilization is very near! However, by some freak of nature had not ever seen the Hills. The other night I sat through a whole episode and was not once mildly amused, the only thing I could think about was:

Why does the girl Lauren Conrad have a mustache?

Does no one else see it? Is it some sort of skin condition?

My LORD, she is annoying, crying all the damn time with her big ole 'stache, what is that about?

Lucha Libre- cougar shirt

We went out to an awesome new bar on Church Street called "EMBER" very cool, great music and tons of fun. I had nothing to wear for the night out, so I went an picked up a cougarlicious animal print see through blouse *grrrrr* So, there was a bar crawl and a million crazed 20 something showed up, all decked out. I think it was some sort of sports theme....may men dressed as Olympic swimmers *double grrrr* Nascar Drivers, Football Players, and then there was this guy...straight out of NACHO LIBRE! It was a great night..alas, no one was there as Beck's in his Armani underwear....I was ready to pounce on that one! ha-ha Of course the men were walking around looking at all the girls in their slutty costumes, they are so silly....why walk around to get a good look...just sit back and watch them parade in front of you like the girls did!

HELP! I'm obsessed with Casey Anthony

I am completely obsessed with Casey Anthony, I have to get updates every couple of hours and know all the players. Why? What is wrong with me? I live in the same area as she does, so, i think that is one factor. I was a teenage mother, that could be another factor, and I too considered leaving my kids, so I could go out and Party, I kid, I kid. OK, once I gave then dimetap, but that was because we were on a plane (for 6 hours) and they were two of them and only one of me, I swear, it was only that one time. I have not been to the Anthony house to protest, what ever it is they are protesting. I have been tempted to go see, but the Man would have a hissy fit. I can relate to those angry people. When I see her (Casey) I get angry, I feel like slapping her or shaking her, getting some sort of human response from her. And the Grandparents, what planet are they on? How can they have live with Casey, defend her, and say all the crazy things they say? Denial is such a powerful thing. I will tell you, I feel mostly obsessed with crazy women stories, when Brittney shaved her head, I nearly lost my shizz, I didn't want to go to work! I just wanted to watch the TV and surf the Internets and read the rags all day long. The moment I saw her crazy eyes in that picture while she was buzzing her head. I was hooked. Along these same lines it the TV show Snapped! on the oxygen Network. It's a show about women who go crazy and kill their husbands/lovers/boyfriends. The best episode ever is about that lady that ran over her cheating husband in the parking lot of the hotel where she was shtooping the lover! I am sure it all stems from my fragile mind forever contemplating going over to the dark side and letting the crazy portion in me REIGN!

I can BBQ and wear lipstick!

Found this at LOLHAN.....check them out- higlarious! http://www.lolhan.com/blog/

My Baby, the cutest dog on the Planet

Ok, so I just have to post this picture, because yes, I have become "one" of those people....you know, that talk about their dogs all the time, that carry pictures of them and think about them all day long...My only saving grace is that my husband has got it even worse than I do!

Her name is Little Lulu or in Spanish, La Pequena Lulu, yes, she is highly intelligent and bilingual. She has many nicknames: White Devil, Girls gone Wild and Cuca al aire...which I'm embarrassed to say means: Flash your coochie...eww, I know, but she loves to lay on her back flashing her cuca!

So her she is the cutest dog on the planet, in her floaty because she is not a good swimmer!

This is the "money shot" coochie flashing bitch running my household, oh yeah, besides ME...ha-ja

Virgin Mary or Hooded KKK guy?

A couple of weekends ago we spent some time on a River in a small town in Central Florida. One of the days was spent on a boat, with a captain and tour guide. He was a very nice man, very courteous and happy to tell us all sorts of stuff regarding the river, the area and it's history. As the day wore on I kept looking at a medallion he was wearing around his chest. I kept thinking it was of some virgin. That seemed very strange to me. This was a southern, white man, and in my mind it was hard to reconcile that he was Catholic. Now if there is one word that sums me up it's Curious, some might say nosey. I couldn't let it go. As I got a better look at the medallion, I almost tripped over and fell over board! It was in the background, the confederate flag (very common to see in Florida) in the middle a hooded clansman (which sorta looked like a virgin) and in the fore front a burning cross. As soon as I could I told my husband in Spanish, of course, he didn't believe me. He got a good look and confirmed it. Over the weekend we saw kids with swastika tattoos, dragon master tattoos, the "south shall rise again" stickers and a plethora of Southern Flags. What was disconcerting was that everyone was more than nice to us, even my husband and step son with their thick accents didn't seem to raise any eyebrows. My husband kept on admonishing me for speaking Spanish, he was sure we would wake up to a burning cross on the lawn of the house we had rented. Ha-ha! Like our speaking Spanish was going to give us away? Not his thick accent in English....anyway, I am sure our bringing our dogie who is an American Bulldog confused them into thinking we were one of them!

Watching IKE- been there done that

I am watching the fool in the red jacket on CNN barely able to stand up in the wind and the rain trying to report on Ike in Galveston. I feel for the poor people in Texas, having lived in Miami for 12 years. We never had shutters, year after year we boarded the house, at times we were evacuated, being very close to the sea (less than 2 miles), we went to a friends in Miramar, to my sister in Coral Gables, and more than once, when it looked really bad to Orlando. Of course nothing ever happened, well those times. Then came Rita, and Wilma. Did we leave the house? No. Did we board up? Nope. We rode it out, and let me tell you, it was BAD. Of course the Man slept through the whole thing (Wilma) with the hairy ones camped out in the bedroom and the dog shaking under the bed. After Wilma, we needed a new roof and had no electric for 2 weeks. Pray for the people of Texas.

kissing boys- squirming boys

Much Ado about the promise rings and sex bracelets......I remembered that in the 3rd grade we would play a game at lunch/recess. The game consisted of the girls chasing the boys, catching them and then holding them down (they were squirmy) and kissing them! Where were the teachers? Now, I was the champion at this game.

1. I was fast
2. I was big and could hold them down
3. I was not shy and didn't wuss out at the last minute

Hence the nickname- Electric Eel, apparently my kisses were "electrifying" and the the Eel part "sort" of rhymes with my first name, not really but boys are stupid, we all know this.

Just saying, even in the 3rd grade I was getting some ha-ha

Sex Bracelets & Promise Rings

Last night I asked my kids about those bracelets in middle school- We looked it up on-line and this is what each one meant, and how it works:

This new social phenomenon involves "snapping" the bracelet off the wearer, enabling the snapper to earn a sexual favor from the snappee based on the color of the snapped off bracelet.The colors each have a coded meaning as follows:
Yellow - indicates the wearer is willing to HUG
Pink - indicates the wearer is willing to give a hickey
Orange - indicates the wearer is willing to KISS
Purple - indicates the wearer is willing to kiss a partner of either sex
Red - indicates the wearer is willing to perform a LAP DANCE
Clear - indicates a willingness to do "whatever the snapper wants"
Blue - indicates ORAL SEX performed on a guy
Black - indicates that the wearer will have regular "missionary" sex
White - indicates the wearer will "FLASH" what they have
Glittery Yellow - indicates HUGGING and KISSING is acceptable
Glittery Pink - willing to "flash" (show) a body part
Glittery Purple - wearer is willing to French (open mouth) kiss
Glittery Clear - indicates that the wearer will let the snappee "feel up" or touch any body part they want

That being said my kids say it was IMPOSSIBLE to snap the damn things! ha-ah But said some girls "gave" the bracelets away to boys they liked and they got hugs or pecks on the cheek....no stories of girls giving BJ's behind the Gym! Thank God, not that they would tell me either!

Fuco Diet? Total Nympho?

I got this in my junk mail folder today. Maybe it's because I STILL have the effing FLU, or because I haven't slept well in ages, it just cracked me up!

The FUCO diet? Why would I pay for that, when I could do it for free at home, I have a willing husband!

With the Power of Fucoxanthin (hmmm, sounds like fucks and thin) try it and lose as much weight as you possibly can...how much would that be?

Which reminds me of a conversation with the Man...

Man: What happened to you?

Me: Huh?

Man: You used to be a total Nympho

Me: What? when, I was never...

Man: Yeah...OK, I was just thinking about how cool it would be if you were.

Me: keep hope alive

The Man thinks I'm mean

10 pm- The man is watching Lisa Lampenelli (the funniest woman ever)
10 pm- I am cleaning up the kitchen, laughing cuz I can hear Lisa Lampanelli
10:15- The man is watching Lisa Lampenelli
10:15- I am purchasing the tickets for our Thanksgiving Trip, laughing cuz I can hear LL
10:20- The man is still watching LL
10:20- I am feeding the dog and getting her ready for bed, laughing cuz I can hear LL
10:30- The man is watching LL
10:30- I am rounding up the hairy ones corralling back to their rooms where they will pretend to sleep, but will really be TXT'ing, IM'ing, on their cell phones or even climbing out the windows (oh yes, both busted the same night!) while still laughing with LL
10:45- The man is watching LL
10:45- I am turning off lights, fans, locking doors, turning on the dishwasher and laughing at hearing LL
10:59- The man turns off the TV, rolls over and announces we have to go to sleep NOW!
10:59- I dump a load of clean laundry (all his gym stuff) on the bed...this is what ensued:

Man- I HAVE to go to sleep, just dump them over there
Me- No
Man- I can't sleep with the light on and all that clothes on the bed
Me- so
Man- What do you want me to do *whine*
Me- HOW ABOUT HELP ME FOLD YOUR CLOTHES!
Man- your as mean as Lisa Lampenelli!
Me- well maybe I'll run off and be a comedienne!
Man- you should, you're mean enough, crazy and a little funny

hmmmmmmm....dully noted, man, dully noted

I love the 80's

I know, I know we all do....So would it be more appropriate to say I am obsessed with the 80's. I have been dying to have an 80's party, it's true, everyone has done it. The only problem is that I won't turn 40 for another 4 years! And since I want to have a crazy (let's go crazy-prince) blowout, I need a real good excuse to spend the money on a big bash. So, I have a NEW idea-

My 20th wedding anniversary is coming up- (8/31/2010) in 2 years, better than 4! How about a re-newal of the vows with an 80's theme?

wha-hahahaaaaaaa, it would be like a shotgun wedding/tacky prom! hmmm, sounds like my actual wedding! Do you all like this idea? Is it too much, even for me? How will I get the Man to fall for this one?

This is how I aspire to look...

I can hear the music playing in the back...Hello, is it me you're waiting for?

These bitches are SO invited, these girls just want to have fun!

This guy is gonna do the running man ALL NIGHT LONG
These girls like to Party All the TIME

Still Sick-pesky FLU!

BTW, I am still sick! Last night my whole body ached and I got up at 12:28 to take some things to knock me out, but it took forever to kick in, I was freezing and tossing and turning in bed. At 1:00 am, I got kicked out of bed by the Man, I was already on my way to the sofa anyway.

Does anyone know if there is some sort of competitive sport that involves either excessively loud open mouth breathing or extremely heavy nose breathing? Is there any money in this? God Damn it, I am living with a Champion!

Promise Rings- oy-vey

I have teenagers and have no desire for them to be having sex with any one! Having said that, I think promise rings are creepy! I also think those colored bracelets that kids were wearing, with different colors for different sex acts are creepy too! Don't run around proclaiming virginity 'till marriage, you might be 30 before you get married, for God's sake, think about it! Unless you plan on getting married at 17 or soon after, your chances of suceding are going to be very low. I want anyone who is interested in marrying a 30 year old virgin (male or female) to e-mail me RIGHT NOW! In fact anyone who seriously knows a 30 year old virgin and thinks that person is completely normal, I NEED to know.

I want my kids to have healthy, meaningful, age appropriate relationships with the opposite sex. Yes, at some point that includes sex and therefore they have access to condoms. we have a condom stash in the house, which replenishes it self periodically, no questions asked. The 16 year old could be using them as water balloons or maybe the 21 year old is gettin busy...who knows?!

He finally gets it!

An actual conversation I had with my husband this morning:

Me: Hello
The Man: How are you feeling? Are you still sick?
Me: I feel better, I’m just so tired and all and I didn’t do any laundry this weekend because I was sick, and I have to go to the supermarket after work, because there is nothing to eat in the house ( I have to milk it you know)
The Man: Oh, honey, you were not born for this…*sigh*
Me: huh?
The Man: You just weren’t born for work, or house work or any of that stuff
STOP THE PRESSES! Well, DUH!!! It took him 18 years to figure out that I am Marie Antoinette re-incarnate???
Me: Just keep playing the lotto baby
The Man: uh-OK

This is ME...

I loved this! Sarcasm at it's finest!
By the way:

• I drive a mini
• I am technically brown
• I never watch Fox News
• Question everything