Thursday, February 26, 2009

Worth A Thousand Words Thursday

This is a picture of my family, my WHOLE family! Left to oldest son, my step daughter, me, the HUBS, my baby, and my step son. My lovely step daughter is going to College in Argentina, so we only get to see her about once a year. My step daughter was 18months old when I married my husband, I changed her diapers many times, and carried her on my hip, up and down and all over town, she was my real live doll. So I may have never had a daughter of my own, I did get to have a beautiful step daughter from my first day of marriage.
As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It's my Birthday Bitches!

Today is my Birthday, and also happens to be, Ash Wednesday, coincidence? I think not, as you all know I am surely on my way to Hell, yeppers, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go Straight to HELL!

Now maybe it is the fact that I am turning 37, because I may joke that I am Forever 21, I wasn't actually born in 1988, yesterday I did the unthinkable, I went to the GYM! Yes, me...the person who lost 100lbs without walking a block, the person who got permission from her therapist to yell at my hubs "I WILL NEVER GO TO THE GYM, SO STOP ASKING WHEN I'M GOING TO GO!" and last but not least the person who truly believes that running should be reserved for the off chance that a maniac killer is chasing you with a BIG knife and jogging for when a zombie or mummy are chasing you as they are markedly slower.

There may be additional factors to this:

  • I am going to COLORADO next week and going to try to SKI, and well I am afraid I may DIE, of mostly soreness.
  • I had surgery 1 year ago for my arthritic shoulder (yes, arthritis in your 30's) and I still have only about 25% mobility.
  • My lap band is no longer working and will be removed as soon as the conditions are right.
So I face my late 30's without my miracle cure...

I usually throw myself a Party, when I was younger I had fantasies about surprise parties, and mariachis at my window, oh well, I decide if you ant to be the belle at the ball, throw it yourself!

This year there is no party as I will be tagging along with the HUBS to a conference in Colorado and then heading to a Ski Resort!

I am sure I will bring back and totally awkward post for y'all!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Thank GOD for Granny panties!

I have come to realize that many of my stories of awkwardness involve people seeing my bare ass. This one in particular was quite embarrassing…and was all my cat’s fault.

We had a cat, he was a wild one, he was part Siamese part wildcat, he was my sister’s for a few years but when she left to college he was mine all mine. He would disappear for a few days if he found a girlfriend and he was always on the hunt. Leaving lovely gifts for me under my bed (mice, birdies) he really loved me, and I adored him. He was getting long in the tooth and we would be moving to another country in a few months, so I was extra careful to keep an eye on him. Now, in unrelated activities, I was 17 and refused to wear pajamas, this drove my extremely proper Mother (a woman who has never been drunk in her life) insane. I had decided to sleep in the nude, well, after a battle royal (if there is an earthquake you’ll run out in the street nude!) I realized she had a point, so the compromise was that I would slumber in a t-shirt and undies.
One night as I was sound asleep I heard my cat SCREAMING, my lord it sounded like he was dying! He was in some sort of brawl with some wild animal, most likely a raccoon or opossum (ewww!) I bolted up and without thinking opened my balcony door (only a few feet off the ground) jumped out, opened the front gate and started running around looking for him…the fight was ragging and sounded worse than ever! That’s when I spotted the cat he ran under the neighbor’s front gate and under their car, he was howling, I was sure he was dying. Without thinking I ran across the street, crawled under the gate (it was on an incline and easy to do) and then got on my hands and knees and tried to reach my cat. He was so scared; I stretched my arms out, trying to coax him to come to me, ass in the air. Now all I have to say was THANK GOD it was the 80’s and I wore some good old fashioned granny panties, none of this thong business was going on back then. The immense ruckus must have awaken the neighbors, let me be more specific, the 17 & 18 year old brothers who lived in that house and their father because they came out with a FLASHLIGHT! There I was, HIGH MOON, spotlight shining on my ass, with my head under their car, in their carport. Well, the damn cat came out, and he was fine, I however, lowered my head every time I saw those boys until the day that we thankfully moved to another country.
Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...

Monday, February 23, 2009

And the Oscar goes to...

I love to watch the Oscars, we make popcorn and stuff our faces as we watch all our favorites. Last night had great moments, and a few awkward ones...
By FAR this was the most poignant: Dustin Black Lance
I also loved Penelope Cruz speech, she was so adorable! And Kate Winslet, when her Dad whistled so she could see where he was, totally made me cry...I must be PMS'ing, because I tiered up like 6 times during the show *waaaaaaaaaa* I'm so lame.
Now I LOVE ME some Sean Penn, since the first time I saw Bad Boys, in 1983 (I was 11), I loved his speech last night!
But this was by far on the funniest things I have EVER SEEN! I have loved these guys since I fell in love with FREAKS & GEEKS, and I love all their movies- Seth Rogen & James Franco short written by Judd Apatow.

Oh, and if you don't know who Harvey Milk here listen to one of his speeches and my views on equality, he was a great man.

I don't mention the big winner Slum dog Millionaire, mostly because I haven't see it....but congrats!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Mission Acompished?

I am truly obsessed with this woman! So you all know I cut my hair in October, and I have been going shorter and shorter........this was my goal, her hair, I mean, it's not like break in to her house and wear her clothes or anything (not yet)
So what do you think? Mission Accomplished?

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Geek Tattoos!

I have nothing against tattoo's. I think some are beautiful, and look nice and go with the person's personality. They are however...permanent, and this is a scary thought. The other day I stumble upon this group on-line...GEEK TATTOOS and I just had to share a few of my favorites:

JON STEWART- I love him too, just not that much!
HELVETICA. WOW, you are really in to that TYPE!

Hello Kitty as Darth Vader...genius, I tell you, Genius!!!

Check out the beauties on this site....

Friday, February 20, 2009

To all the cubs I cannot LOVE, I’m sorry your cougar

This has been going on for quite some time…. I love younger men. I am not interested in older men at all. I think the reason is, well...
1. I am married to a 40 year old SUPER HOTTIE. I mean really, I don’t think I have met another man in my husbands age range that I could consider as hot as the HUBS. Celebrities, yeah sure, but not some guy walking on the street.

2. I am have been married for an eternity (almost 19 years) and well, am obviously going to stay married, and I’m not a cheater, my stomach could never stand the stress of lying and all that stress, I know there is NO WAY I could ever do it. So, that leaves me with “looking” only, which makes it fun. You can really just catch a peek at a hot young guy and giggle.

Now, that Cougars are such a hot topic and simultaneously my boys are almost men, I present to you a list of hotties that I wish I could have cougar fantasies about, but simply cannot! It sucks the big one!

Emile Hirsch- Since I first saw him in the Girl Next Door, I loved him! He is my type, very intense, rough around the edges, little off beat. To top it off he is a fabulous actor, Lords of Dogtown, Alpha Dog, and I swear he will break your heart in “Into the Wild”- and then….someone pointed out he looks like one of the Hairy’s…EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ashton Kutcher- I love this boy…Not my type, but making me laugh, helps me be more attracted to you. Besides have you seen the pictures of him when he modeled for Calvin Klein…OH MY DOG- his abs…look then up so you too can feel dirty…all that went out the window when several people started to stay that he looked like one of the Hairy’s …I think it’s the mouth and the personality is similar to Kelso on That 70’s Show, yeah how scary is that?! I am raising a Kelso!
The Jonas Bros, who remind me a my nephew….as previously noted in this POST.

Well, at least I still have my beloved step son, who thank goodness, no one has pointed out that he looks like a HOTTIE….well except for him!

Girls, let me know...who is your favorite cub?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Worth a Thousand Words

Yes, I was a Cheerleader in High School, no not the cute little thing on the top of the pyramid, no that's not me. I am all the way at the bottom, yea, the one with her head turned the other way....I swear it's me!

The school used to let us wear our Cheer leading Uniforms to school on Game Days, which I loved! The minute I stepped on a the school bus there was a 5th grader (I was a Freshman) that would break into song-

She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin' me out with those American thighs

I didn't know this kid, and always ignored him (I never told him to stop it either!), but let me tell you, 'till this day, I think of those days and it is an INSTANT self esteem boost! I was rockin that mini-skirt with my Thunder thighs!

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

How did you find me?!?

Google KeyWords that get you to my BLOG-

mom is naked -yeah, when you’re not home
crazy mom – yes? How can I help you?
fat girl poop – everyone poops, have you not seen that book?
iris chacon daughter – That would be me!
mom naked – once again, as soon as you guys leave
a look at a naked girl – just a peek!
barney is fat – he’s a fictional character, get over it!
boob optical illusion – they are called “Wonder Bra’s”
draws of a girl nuked – I hope that is a TYPO!
dress up the fat girl – is this a video game?
fat chick with hugeboobs - one of the few advantages to being overweight!
fat girl and bj – I’m married, I do NOT have to do that anymore.
fat girl spank man – how much you going to pay me?
fat girls trying to poop – WHY?!
fat woman doing poo on the street – NO! WHY?
good names for fat girl dogs – they can’t have regular dog names?
hooters + valentines day – every year
hooters i love – yes, I DO!
hooters valentines day – it’s OK, I to understand your love of Hooters!
inside sex inside – hmmmm, not sure about this one.
my sister makes me smell her finger – call child services
pervy girl – I know, I know, but I can’t help it!
poop your fat – please tell me how!
spanking – they always deserved it!
i love big butts –Thank you, your love is much appreciated!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

13 and in a new school

I was 13 and starting the 8th grade in a new school. My Father drove me to the new school to register on the first day. He was running late and had no idea that the traffic up the mountain would be so heavy. When we got there, they quickly registered me and walked me down to the gymnasium/auditorium where the whole school was in assembly.

As I was coming down from the main office I walked in to the gym on the second floor and had to walk done a loooooong metal staircase to be able to take a seat with the rest of the students.

I can remember this as it were yesterday. I had just moved from Miami and was all decked out in the latest fashion. I had a big lace bow in my hair (a la Madonna) a long straight cotton skirt, a of the shoulder knit top (a la Flashdance) and pastel colored tank top underneath, and pink suede oxfords that we actually mules. The accessories were the kicker, gummy bracelets, neon wayfarers’, giant plastic earrings, and since I had no school supplies, 1 pen with hot pink feathers on it and 1 retro tin covered notepad, that was a replica of a Rice Crispi’s cereal box, tres chic!

I start to make my descent (I was alone, my Dad stayed in the office filling out paperwork) and the first step I placed on the staircase made a loud “CLANG” as did every step there after. The mules and the metal staircase, not a good combination. Clink, clang, clink, clang, every single head turned and looked up at me. I clutched on to the note book in my hand, my knuckles white. The some wise ass said: Is she coming to school or to have breakfast? TOTALLY AWKWARD!
And the crowd roared: bwa-hahah-hahaha. I turned bright red, reached the bottom and quickly found an empty chair. It wasn’t even 8:30 am yet, the torture had just begun. After the first day, I can say those were the best years of my life, I never had so much fun or got in so much trouble.

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...

Friday, February 13, 2009

25 Things about me....

1. I LOVE babies, kids not so much, but I am BABY CRAZY, once they are out of diapers *meh*
2. I can BEAT anyone at movie trivia, charades or Entertainment Trivia, or name that tune, seriously there should be a way for me to make money with this!
3. I can and will talk your ear off, I think this is the reason people don't call me, if they do, they end up being on the phone for like an hour!
4. I am fiercely protective of my friends and family. My kids are awesome, don’t mess with them, I don't care who you are or what you think.
5. I will literally help anyone I can in any way I can, this drives my husband crazy, but it is also in his words: one of my best qualities.
6. I have been crazy in love with my husband since I first laid eyes on him, I was 16. Really, it was a like a bolt of electricity.
7. I love scary movies, but I get really scarred, I get goose bumps, my heart races and my stomach hurts, this leads me to believe I may be a masochist.
8. I get sick really easy, if I hear someone upchuck, I am next. If I think about something that grosses me, I can make myself throw up. This talent only came in handy for skipping school purposes.
9. I am a laid back, go with the flow person, and I am non-confrontational.
10. However, if you push me to the edge and give me no choice, I get ugly, I don't mess around, I go for the jugular, if I can't win, I will never get in to it to begin with, if I get into it, you're dead meat.
11. When this has actually happened, it has freaked people out.
12. I have never slapped a man or hit another person (besides spanking my kids, yea, I spank them!) and my husband (but that doesn’t count) oh yeah and that one time, I chased Alex (my hubs best friend with an extension cord)
13. I do have a fantasy of getting into a girl fight and kicking some chick’s ass! hahahaaa
14. I'm nosey, curious, feel like I have to know EVERYTHING!
15. I usually have 2 speeds- drag my feet or speedy Gonzales
16. I have a BLOG- my hope is that if I write ALOT maybe I won't talk so's not working.
17. I love music, I decided long ago that I would rather be blind than be deaf; the idea of never hearing music again is more than I can bear.
18. I love to be naked, not in public, but in my house, alone.
19. I am an absolute animal lover, I would have dogs, cats, horses, ferrets, chinchillas, most anything with fur, I love, and alas it took 8 years of marriage to convince my husband to get a dog.
20. I am wicked resourceful. You would be amazed.
21. I have ADHD, no, not I think I have ADHD, I mean a Neurologist says SO! I always knew something was wrong in my brain, not in a bad way, just different from others.
22. I have very poor impulse control and not a lot of verbal filters, see #21, I try and work on this.
23. I won't even talk or think about my Dad getting older, it REALLY freaks me out.
24. I love my smile, my lips and my big butt, so does my husband, on this we agree 100%.
25. I sing ALL the time, all day long, my Dad said when I moved out of the house this is what he missed the most. I can’t say my kids like it, but they are used to it- my husband’s motto to me: Sing it LOUD gorda!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Worth a Thousand Words

I think this picture is about 12 years old...these four beautiful ladies are my sisters, not the biological kind, which I have two of and I SUPER love, even though it is true that growing up the were worse than Anastasia and Drizella. These are 4 of my husband's 5 sisters, in fact it saddens me that the only sister missing from this photo is the one who passed away 3 years ago. They are wonderful, beautiful, loving women, who between the four of them have 10 children! As crazy as it is, it is amazing to spend any Holiday at my in-laws house jam packed with 9 siblings, spouses and over 20 grand kids!
Thanks Jen for sharing!

Should I just move to Hell now?

After the lovely news of my FATAL condition, I spent the next week being bounced from doctor to doctor, and in and out of the Hospital, worst of all I became the pawn of two feuding nurses. Now, I usually don't mind staying at the Hospital, but this time was a little different.
I arrived at the ER (not because I wanted to but because the Dr. said I HAD to and was in total cahoot's with the Hubs) at 12:30 pm, I had not eaten since breakfast at 8am, they did not run The first test until 7:30pm. No food, no water, not even ice! Have you ever had a CT Scan? They give you an IV and shoot some liquid in it and then stick you in the cylinder and apparently it activates the liquid so they can see what's going on. Well, the liquid that is running thru your veins get very, very HOT, first your arm, then you head and then...your crotch! It feel like you are on fire, I have decided that if this is what Menopause feels like...well, I may go the Suzanne Sommers route and take 400 pills a day and shoot up my va-jay-jay!
At 9:30 pm, they decide to hold me over night for observation, 13 hours no food, no water. At 11:30 I get a room, and a nurse comes to take all my data, this is where things get weird....
Nurse: On a scale of 1 to 4, how much of a role in your recuperation would you say your faith will have?
Me: wha? I have an eroded lap band, that is eating it's way into my stomach, I am not sure, um...0.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol
Me: *mmmmm* yes
Nurse: How often?
Me: about 3 drinks a week (I am so proud, cause I think this is almost NOTHING!)
Nurse: when was the last time you drank?
Me: last Friday night, I had Saki with Sushi *droooool*
Nurse: Do you do any other drugs?
Me: Just he ones you are giving me right now in this here IV *smile*
Nurse: dead silence and stare - How are you feeling?
Me: well, my head hurts, I am dizzy, I am nauseous, and my stomach hurts...but I am sure if you let me eat, all that will get MUCH better
Nurse: NO
They had to give me more "Drugs" to make me sleep because I was so damn hungry!
At 8:30 am, 24 hours no food or water....the doctor comes by says I can go home...bland diet, nothing spicy, nothing bulky, take it easy to start with.
8:45am- a random woman comes by (does she have food? NO) and wants to pray. Of course I'm bored and almost ask her if she knows any prayers form the Koran? I don't, I just say No, Thank you, like 5 times and she leaves.
9:30am- The nurses won't give me FOOD or water, and they won't let me go home because my potassium is low and they need to give me a full IV and test it before I leave.
10:30- That nutty nurse finally gives me an apple sauce, one baby food size of apple sauce....and 6 ounces of water. 27 hours no food and water and they give me 2 oz of apple sauce?!? WTF!
2:30 The IV is finished, I have had 3 apple sauces (which were the worst apple sauce on the planet) I have taken a shower and am ready to go HOME (just waiting on the discharge papers) I am in a towel a tiny one, when a woman saying she is the Chaplin comes in my room. Awkward...she wants to pray, I - No Thank you I am going home!
This went on for about 5 minutes, asking me to pray, asking me what Church I go to (to which I almost said the Wicca one down the street, ever been?) but of course I didn't, because I will probably have surgery at this Hospital and what if they thought I was not joking!
I was tired, hungry, sore, desperate to go home, with no resolution whatsoever to my medical problem and dripping wet in a towel, with some hairy ass legs (I didn't know I was going to hospital, I would have shaved!)
I don't like being pried about my faith, or lack of, I don't like being pressured or feeling uncomfortable, on Monday I found out that the Hospital is Seventh Day Adventist, I know nothing about this religion, except that they were pushy at this particular Hospital. The HUBS says for sure it was because it was Saturday? whatever...
He picked me up and 31 hours no food or water- we went straight to, guess where....HOOTERS hahaha- for real, I at a whole pound of steamed crab legs, no's BLAND. I felt so much better, I almost wanted to go back and pray with that lady...Thank God for Hooters...I did have to restrain myself when lady behind me ordered wings, I practically leaned over and licked the greasy hot sauce right off her empty plate- what?! I could have said the Devil made me do it!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

of Teenage boys and Puberty

I had an Archeology Professor who always stressed the importance of creating "rituals" or rites of passage for our children, he was always lamenting how these things had been lost in our culture and how crucial they were to helping teens grow up. For example a Mom taking her daughter to buy her first bra followed by lunch and some grown up activities, is common, but boys don't tend to have these sort of things. So when my oldest was turning 13 we decided to forgo a kiddie party (which he didn't want) We let him invite 10 buddies and we took them all to a Skate Park and then to Hooters, which we should of down backwards, becaseu we were stuck with a bunch of stinky boys the rest of the afternoon! You all know my love is Hooters is boundless...they had a hoot! Ate like savages, took pictures with all the girls, and of course they fully humiliated my son by having him stand on a chair while they sang Happy Birthday. And he got a t-shirt with all the hooters girls autographs! So cute.

A couple of days after, he is sitting on the floor of my room and I am watching TV. We are carrying on some sort of conversation about school, when he suddenly says " Because you know now I am a MAN" OK- the Hooters thing apparently really went to his head...

Mama: Uh, yeah?
Boy: Yeah Mom, now I am a man.
Mama: How so honey?
Boy: Cuz, I got hair
Mama: huh?
Boy: Ya Mom, I got HAIR DOWN THERE.
Mama: *roll over, bury your head in the pillow and die laughing*

You know when your parents used to talk to you about the Birds and the bees, and it was SO embarrassing, well, guess what, it is JUST as embarrassing when you are the PARENT!

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...

Monday, February 9, 2009

I recant!

So, last week I had a post about how I can't LUST for those Jonas Brother's....well, there have been two very big revelations this weekend!

1.) My adorable, but not too bright nephew lost some sort of bet (A BET!) at school and came home on Friday afternoon looking like this:
The BOOB shaved his head...which means he really no longer looks like Joe Jonas, as he was for Thanksgiving! Oh, the joy of having teenagers....

2.) I saw the Grammy's Sunday night, and well, that Jonas boy (Joe) has grown up a little, his arms are looking, in other words, I join you filthy old cougars of the world in lusting after that poor boy. What's next: TWILIGHT?! It's already on my damn night table waiting to be read! I am a SHEEP I tell you, a SHEEP! *baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Worth A Thousand Words

This is the reason I can NOT lust after those Jonas brothers like the rest of ya filthy COUGARS! My adorable nephew, who just turned 14, looks just like one of them!!!

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays. Click on the link below to see more great pictures.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Going to Hell

My husband’s family is religious. Not go to Church on Easter, Christmas, Ash Wednesday…I mean my mother in law goes to mass every day, no exceptions. She once had bed rest after her 9th baby, and the priest came to the house and gave her “full” mass in bed, and took her confession once a week. Hard core Catholic. My husband and I, hmmm, not so much.
It was one of my nieces First Communion, and we were running late, my Dad dropped everyone off at the front of the Church and went to park the car a couple of blocks away, of course Hairy #1 went with him because they are attached at the hip. The rest of us found our seats and quickly sat down, a few minutes later my dad and my oldest son came in and sat in back of the Church as to not make too much of a disturbance.
You may or may not know, but in Latin America Churches are VERY ornate and Jesus on the cross is very realistic and gory. Not 2 minutes have gone by when in the silent church I hear my son SCREAMING “Grampa! Who is that man?? Grampa! Oh no, what did they do to him, Grampa he has BLOOOOOOOOOD! Uh-oh, not good, Grampa! He has “owies” Grampa” Everyone is bilingual in the Church but only one persons kids speak English like gringos and only one persons kids call their “Abuleito” GRAMPA, that one person is me. At that moment everyone know my son had not been inside a Church since the day he was baptized and had NO idea who the "gman" on the cross was! I just looked straight ahead and ignored everyone giving me the evil eye and pretended like I had no idea whose kid that was….I know, I know , I’m going straight to HELL!!!!!!!

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...