Thursday, December 27, 2012

Magic is alive and well

There is no rhyme or reason to my Mother's mind. At times it is perfection, you can sit and discuss art and literature, culture and politics and forget that she sits in a wheelchair, post stroke and needs assistance to complete the most mundane daily tasks. Other times, it is muddled, foggy and stumbles like a drunken man on a winding road. She is a master social grand dame, she can see it in my your eyes, when she is not making sense, that's when she will quickly course correct, mid stumble, and it will seem like a simple bump in the road, rather than someone one who can't even see the road on occasion. There are things she can't disguise, the flat affect that is typical of a post stroke victim, coupled with a robotic laugh, which in the beginning is disconcerting, but gradually become the best comedic tool in history, she is the perfect "straight man." Being an innocuous older lady allows her to launch zingers with the straightest of faces then pause a few seconds and literally issue the flattest HA-HA-HA you have ever heard. It is truly hysterical, she has learned this and has become our little class clown, sometimes even beating me to the punch line. Yes, she has taken over my role in our family as the funny one, and in this she revels.

She is at her best when it is just us, her family, she is her true self, no one making small talk with her, if her mind wanders and her eyes fix in the distance, it's ok. The other day as we sat at lunch, my nephew, brought a magic trick to the table, as we talked over coffee. He made his way around the table and showed us one by one, we laughed, and ooh and awwwed at his trick. He is not so young to think he is fooling us, but we were all accomplices in the fantasy. He finally made it to my mother and showed her the trick. My Mother's face at that moment was priceless, she was amazed, astounded by his trick, her eyes widened and her mouth came to a perfect O. She looked up at me and asked me had I seen this!?! Yes, Mama, I answered, as I watched her, realizing what was going on. Then she turned to my nephew and asked how had he learned  Magic. She didn't mean a trick, she wanted to know how he knew MAGIC, real magic. Everyone smiled and my nephew laughed and that was that. 

I have been thinking about that moment over and over. I think of my children's faces on Christmas morning, when they were little and the magic of Santa was still a possibility in their lives. There are very few moment in life that have true magic in them. Then I think of my Mother in her late 70's and the joy on her face at that moment. Magic is alive and well for my Mother still and that warms my heart.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I'm a Nut

Yes, I know this to be true, I am a NUTTER. Here is what I have been thinking about for days and is so annoying me that I am bringing myself to write a post about it.  So, apparently all I need to get over my "writer's block" and I use the word writer very loosely.  As a fully bilingual person (English/Spanish) when I am watching a TV Show or Movie that has a Latin Character and they require this character to speak Spanish and they open their mouths and talk and I go "WHAT?!?" 

How about I have to put subtitles on because I can not understand what the character is saying in Spanish, yeah that bad.

Case in point: Breaking Bad, my goodness do I love this show, really I do, but would it kill them to have someone on staff to correct a few of their crazy Latin offenses?

When they introduced the Fast Food Restaurant "Los Pollos Hermanos" I cringed, it is so grammatically atrocious, it makes no sense in Spanish, but let's move on to Gus Fring. Gus Fring is the owner of Los Pollos Hermanos and is supposed to be a Chilean who lived in Mexico for many years. Don't get me wrong I love GianCarlo Esposito, he is an amazing actor, but he can't speak Spanish, and it's painfully obvious. Unless at some point in the series they state Gus is really from Curacao and secretly speaks Dutch, therefore explaining why his Spanish is so atrocious, it's not working. So when he is sitting there talking to the guys from the Mexican Cartel how come they pretend that they can understand is Spanish?!?

Just so you know that I am not only beating up on Gus, let's move on the Don Eladio, played by Steven Bauer (aka Rocky Echeveria) so I must admit, I love me some Steven Bauer, back in the day he reminded me of my hot ass hubs, he is looking a little worse for wear, but is hands down a good actor. Now, here they cast Steven as Don Eladio, the head of a Mexican Cartel in Juarez. Steven Bauer is Cuban-American and speaks Spanish perfectly, with a Cuban Accent! So when he says "Por FavoL" is is clear he is not Mexican. Steven, I blame you, not the casting director, I will coach you on dialects any time babe!

So, if you are not a Spanish speaker all this sounds like crazy talk....I know, I know, but imagine the TV Show lost, on this show we had characters from Australia, London, Scotland and America (East Coast and a Southerner.) Now imagine you are watching the show and the guy from the South talks like an Australian, the Australian talks with a cockney accent and the Scottish guy has the dialect of a guy from Jersey. Exactly, you would go WTF!

So Hollywood, I beg of you, do your homework, pay attention to detail, I am sure there is no shortage of bilingual actors and with the bilingual population growing exponentially, you should take notice.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Call 9-1-1

There is one constant in my life, and that is my need to pee frequently. This constant results in a routine: I pull my car into the garage, turn it off, jump out, run in the house, go straight to my bathroom and plop down to pee. Now, this is usually accompanied by the dogs jumping up and running into the bathroom to lick my face as I sit on the toilet. Or if I actually close the door, they promptly bust it open, then lick my face or fight over who gets to lick my face first.

Last week, this all happened, but as I sat on the toilet, the dogs did not show up. Then as I reached for the toilet paper......someone had changed the roll! Someone had been in my bathroom, used the toilet, taken the empty toilet paper roll off the holder, put it in the trash and put a fresh roll of TP on the holder. I froze. I had tossed my purse on my bed and my cell phone was in it. OH.EM.GEE, there was an intruder in my house. I needed to call 911, and didn't have my phone. I covered my mouth and whisper screamed in to my hands....Someone cal 911!

Wait...what? How did I know there was an intruder? Oh, excuse me, you must not have sons or be married to a man....SOMEONE CHANGED THE ROLL OF TP, and it was not me. Just then the dogs barged in to the bathroom, hmmmmm, maybe the intruder had already left. I whispered in Lulu's ear, she's the smart one "go get help girl, GO" As I mouthed GO, she just licked my teeth and wagged her tail. Duke was splayed on the floor licking his empty nut-sack, per usual.

Aw, HELL, I have to do everything in this damn house. I quickly wiped, and armed myself with the plunger, room to room I went, no one was in the house. Nothing was missing, except the entire contents of the pantry, but that is usual around here.

To this day the mystery has not been solved, I like to think it's a Fairy, a toilet roll Fairy. Kind of like the guy who wears inline skates and put quarters in people parking meters....I may never know.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

My teen son in a hoodie

This is my teen son, in a hoodie. My baby, my sweetie pie, the apple of my eye. We live in Florida, and I worry, as all Mom's of Teens do. I worry he is texting while driving, I worry he might have unprotected sex, I worry he struggles in school, I worry he might get in a fight with another boy, I worry adults no longer see him as the child he truly still is, regardless of the man's body he inhabits. I worry, I worry, I worry, as  Mother's, this is what we do. These past weeks my heart has been broken over the news regarding Trayvon Martin. We are locals, we live and love Orlando and are outraged over the loss of this child's loss. What is worst of all, is that of all my worries, I know in my heart, my baby in his hoodie is not viewed as a "thug" a threat, a punk a suspect. He is viewed as a "white" kid in a hoodie and I know I will never experience the anguish families with sons of color are feeling all over the country after seeing what has happened to Trayvon.  Lastly, I can only hope to never experience the pain Sabrina Fulton is feeling now. My thoughts go out to his family and my outrage goes out to Sanford PD.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Smells like Douche

So I have started couponing like it's my job, mostly because I don't have a job, and well saving money I don't even have is a "good thing." Without getting into how using coupons work, you sometimes buy or get (for free) things you don't need or use. I either use them or donate them, this is what a local coupon guru has taught me and she is AWESOME!  If you are in Orlando, check out her blog, and go to a free coupon class , her name is Mary and she is my hero!

The other day there was a deal that included toothpaste, toothbrushes, mouth wash and you got a FREE Summer Eve personal feminine wash (strange combo.)  This is a product I have never used or bought, in fact, I don't even use deodorant *GASP* don't worry I have taken a poll and no one has ever said I smell. It's a genetic thing, my father and one of my sister's don't use it either, and while my sister smells, my Dad does not...ha-ha she does not, but I know she reads this. So I came home with this cuca soap, put it in my shower and instantly forgot about it.

My sons have a perfectly good bathroom, with a fully functioning shower, but are for some reason compelled to use mine. The other day I was in the shower and decided to use the Summer's Eve ocean breeze cuca cleaner, and lo and behold it was empty! Just the same as the empty cereal box is placed back in the pantry- EMPTY!

All day every day, I tell my kids to stop calling each other "DOUCHE" but apparently I have been wrong, because they obviously been walking around smelling like Summer's Eve- what douches!

** If you would like to take part in my scientific poll and come sniff my arm pits, let me know. The compensation? DUH! Smelling my pit!