Dear Great Pumpkin, Hallo-wha?

If I was married to a man that did EVERYTHING I say (like I dream of everyday) then I would make him go as Mr. T for Halloween, because really, how awesome is this costume and who can get enough of running around saying "I PITY DA FOOL" all night long, besides Mohawks are so in!

Oh Great Pumpkin, I thank thee that my Children have gotten over the phase where they think "ghetto chic" is so cool.

Oh Great Pumpkin, orange and grand, please help the mother's of these little ones, specially the one that is grinding up on the other one with his tongue out.

And last put not least, I give thanks to thee Great Pumpkin, that I don't have a cat, because as far as I can tell from all those LOLZ things is that they are kinda of pissy and sarcastic, and really I don't need ANOTHER being in my life to feed and provide a roof for that gives me attitude...I like my dog, like my men- kiss my ass all the time


That's all for today Great Pumpkin, how about you cut Linus a break this year?

All I wanted was a backrub

Yes, you read her tank top right! It says: All I wanted was a back rub.

As I have been stressed lately, my neck and back have been chock full of knots and to top it all off I am having trouble sleeping, relaxing, etc...Now I do have the option of downing a bottle of wine every night, but hey, sometimes I beg the HUBS for a relaxing back rub.

Believe me people, if I had the time or money to get a professional to provide me with this much needed service I would, HOWEVER, lest you not be naive and think the HUBS does this out of the goodness of his heart, oh no honey, he charges me...

I wonder if I went to a masseur and tried to pay him in the manner in which the HUBS requires I pay, well, let's just say I would probably get arrested, as would the masseur and I would definitely report him to the Better Business Bureau, because that is just wrong.

More Tats, just for You!

Tattoos, what can you say. Some are BAD, some are good, some are AWESOME, and yet some are AWESOMELY BAD! Remember Only Judge Judy can judge ME and leave your comment below:

Nightmares Galore

So I am prone to nightmares, when I am stressed they seem to get worse and more frequent. This seems to greatly entertain my sister Coco, because in her whole life, she can only remember having 2 nightmares, and 1 of them involved our Dad in a fight with Dracula, the Mummy and possibly a werewolf.




My nightmares are very vivid and usually easy to figure out what they are about. However last night I had one of the most horrible and vivid dreams, it may sound so silly but I can't even think about it with out cringing and getting goose bumps every where.





If you are an expert, or just think you KNOW EVERYTHING (like me) tell me what your interpretation of my nightmare is.





I am looking at my lower legs and these hairs start to grow on them rapidly. Only they are not hairs, the are more like stems from a weed. Green and thick. I start plucking them one by one with my fingertips and they come out, leaving a pin hole in my leg each time. They keep growing back, bigger and thicker and each time I pull them out the holes that are left in my legs are larger and larger. When I pull them out it, it is like in slow motion, I see them slowly dragging through my skin. N-A-S-T-Y. It gets to a point in the dream where I can't pull them out anymore and my legs start to look like trees.





It made me think of Tree Man:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The HUBS does not think it is THAT BAD of a nightmare, my assistant (the black tongue girl) scrunches up her whole face when I talk about it and thinks it is the worst dream ever.

HELP?! Is this my usual craziness or have I gone of the deep end?

Spread the funny around

My Mom has always been funny, in the way where a person who isn't trying to be funny and doesn't even know they are funny. A side effect of stroke victims is that they lose affect in their voice and emotion in their faces. Which makes for a great comedic straight guy.

Funny stuff my Mom has said this week-

Someone is going to come help me with my nails and plucks those terrible whiskers tomorrow? (ya, Mom, me- I will bring all the stuff tomorrow) Good, because the last thing any woman wants is to be seen with those terrible whiskers, and any woman that doesn't care, well, something is wrong with that one!

I almost kissed one of the boys that works here (male nurses) he looks just like Alex (my son)

to my friend Joe (who was visiting his Mom, quite the coinky-dinky) Are you my friend? No? Good, so you work here. The food is horrible, you need to do something about it.

Apples make me happy, that's why I think they make me eat apple sauce all day long. It works, I'm happy.

You are so pretty (to me) you look just like a girl on the TV ( I turn the TV on) That's her! (the wife from the King of Queens.) I wonder if Oprah would have been on, if she would have said the same thing!

me: Mama, Tita (my sister's nanny) has a daughter in law looking for work, maybe she will come up to Orlando and help Dad and me take care of you.

Ma: OK, sounds good, but we have to find her a boyfriend, when you find them a boyfriend they always stick around.

me: MA! It's Tita's daughter in law, she's married to her son, we can't get her a boyfriend in Orlando.

Ma: Yeah, that would be BAD (and she totally cracks up)

The nurse comes in and when she leaves I ask my Mom what that nurses name is.

Her response- I can't ever remember, they should really tell me their name every time the walk in here- they know it!

me: they know their name? (which was a stupid thing on my part to say, but I am sleep deprived)

Mom: I hope so, because my memory is shot!

I'm reading her the menu for the next day- Mom, due you want the fruit cup or peach cobbler for dessert?

Ma: Fruit Cup, I think it will have less calories.

Me: Mom, eat what you want, you need to gain weight, the said you are too skinny.

Ma: Really? What a blast.(totally flat affect) peach cobbler.

Nurse walk in and asks me to bring her a chain for her glasses, so she won't lose them. As soon as the nurse walks out, Mom says: Your Dad is going to be so happy, he was always telling me to get one of those chains and now when he sees me with it he can say: I TOLD YOU SO!

A is for Alligators all around, B bursting balloons

When I was a little girl we lived in Silver Spring, Maryland and as many children in the 70's. I was obsessed with Maurice Sendak's book: Where the Wild Things Are, I also was crazy about In the Night Kitchen.

My mother is an artist, so most of the books she bought me as a child involved gorgeous illustrations, and she never worried too much about the content. I remember her telling me In the Night Kitchen was banned from some libraries because the boy was shown naked and something about nocturnal ejaculation (yes, she used those words.) Remember, this was coming from the woman who took me to the natural drawing class with the naked guy, per my post: LOOK MOM A NAKED MAN!

At some point between 1977 and 1979 Maurice Sendak came to White Flint Mall, which was a brand new fancy pants shopping center with a glass elevator that descended in to a water fountain, about 25 minutes from our house. My mother took me to see him. Mr. Sendak read Where the Wild Things are aloud and once he was finished I stood in line to meet him. He was seated and next to him was an easel with black sheets of paper on which he made each child in line a drawing with colorful chalk on the black back round. When we got home my mother sprayed hairspray over it so that it wouldn't smudge. I put it under my bed, as it was the only place it could fit with out being folded. I would pull it out every night and imagine I was Max in a far off land being hero, dancing around a fire with my new found fierce friends.

We moved houses and countries, states and schools at least 10 times since I had that drawing under my bed, and of the things that I lost and were broken or ruined in the moves, that is the one thing I regret the most. Last night, I told my Mom about the movie coming out and how I was taking my boys to see it. I asked her if she remembered taking me to the Mall, she didn't, but she also couldn't remember what she had for diner 10 minutes ago.

Instead of focusing on my my childhood, I told her about how I bought all the same books for my boys, how to this day can still sing every damn song from I'm really Rosie, and make a different voice for every monster, and can make the 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeee" sound for 30 seconds when Mickey slides down to the Night Kitchen. So tomorrow night, after I leave the hospital I will take my boys (now 18 & 17) to see Where the Wild Things Are, and I am sure I will cry my eyes out, and one day down the road they will buy these same books for their kids, and then I will be able to dance around and sing and play all thanks to Mr. Sendak and my mom the artist.

We need a MAN in this house

Last night as I lay in bed with my husband, with a 70lbs dog-goddess sprawled out between us, feet in my face and her cuca inches from the Hubs right ear, the ceiling fan starts making a terrible sound.

This is of course at 10:30 at night, after we each have worked 9 hour days, I have walked the dog, he has gone to the gym, I have spent 3 hours at the hospital with my Mom, he has made dinner and barked at the kids until the cleaned the kitchen and set the table, so we could eat at 8pm when I get home. The ceiling fan sound was almost as bad the groaning the DVD-surround sound system started making the minute we sat down to watch season 4 of Weeds after diner.

The Hubs lets out a long sigh and says: We need a man in this house. A man that can fix things, fix the fan and the DVD, and the hole in the attic where my foot fell through, and screen and the pool pump too.

I chime in: We need a WOMAN in this house. A woman who cooks, and cleans

HUBS: oh! a woman that likes to have sex, like every night!

the only logical response: Um, yeah that woman, can have sex with the man that fixes things.

With that I rolled over and went to sleep, only to hear the HUBS say: Lulu, get your Cuca out my face!

ahhhhhhh, love and marriage....

How did I get here? Where's my phone?

See that boy flying through the air, that's my boy, my baby. Well this same boy was at Vans Skate Park on Saturday for his buddies B-day and was jumping and skating and flying through the air, with FULL protection on (unlike this photo, which I did NOT take and wasn't present at) well, the boy fell and whacked his head hard (yes, he was wearing a helmet.)

I am at the Hospital on the other side of town with my Mom, where I am now every day for several hours a day, when his friend calls me and tells me Hairy has hurt his leg. My response is so-and-so put Hairy on the phone!

baby hairy: Mom, I hurt my knee

Before you all judge me for being BITCH mom of the year, this happens like 3 times a week, calls with whining and complaining that usually end up in pleas to buy soda and burgers.

me: baby hairy, I am at the hospital with Grandma on the other side of town (pissed off tone)

baby hairy: WHAT?! Grandma's in the hospital? Why is she in Orlando?

me: baby hairy, put so-and-so back on the phone. So-and-so, get an adult employee from Vans and sit with him I am on my way to take him to the hospital.

So, baby hairy had a concussion, CT scan was fine.

Did you know that when people get a concussion they have memory loss and ask the same 6 or 7 questions over and over and over and have no memory of doing so.

It was very scary, for the first 3 hours, once the doctor said it was normal and would probably wear off after 12 hours and rest it became the MOST ANNOYING THING EVER.

Stinky long haired 17 year old repeating these questions ever 3 minutes for 10 hours (apparently he drank a shit load of Mountain Dew at Vans and was not sleepy at ALL)

How did I get here?

Did I bump my head? Wasn't I wearing a helmet?

Ow, my knew hurts, oh no did I rip my jeans?

Where is I pod touch?

Did anyone see me fall?

Where's so-and-so?

Do you have my phone?

oh, my head hurts.

At one point you start to wonder if they are messing with you, I mean, they all after all teen aged pain in the ass boys. When he over hear us talking about Grandma in the hospital, he was so alarmed, and asked what happened. When I told him she had a stroke and an brain aneurysm, his eyes welled up with tears. That's when I moved him to my room (so he wouldn't over hear any one's conversations) with plenty of food (and beer for me) and we watched TV and I answered his questions over and over until he fell asleep.

ahhhhhhhhhhh, the joys of motherhood never end

The Power of my Cuca

On Friday morning I was watching the Today show when they announced that President Obama had won the Noble Peace Prize, of course I squealed with joy at the exact moment the hubs was walking out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

I told him the news and his response was "That's great, maybe the Republicans will shut up for a few" then he dropped the towel and started to dress.

Just then as I starred at his perfect ass, I thought to myself: Girl, you done good!

Look at that man, after 19 years of marriage still wearing a size 32 pant, looking all hot, and he is now your perfect political match. Seriously, what more could you ask for.

When I married my husband he was a republican, a conservative one at that. What can I say, the power of my cuca brought him to the light. It has helped his brain expand, his social conscience to develop, etc, etc, etc....hot damn, I gots a powerful cuca!

Friday Mish-Mash

• I haven't been blogging, not because I don't have anything to say, but because everything I have to say is depressing and I don't want to talk about it.
• My assistant is going on vacation next week, the whole week, I think I might DIE, no joke.
• My 18 year old son FINALLY got his license to drive (miraculously on the first TRY!)
• He asked me when I was getting him a car, ha-ha , as if getting a license means someone is supposed to just give you a car. Silly rabbit, get a JOB!
• My baby/dog Lulu is in Heat, it is her second heat, we need to wait 'till her 4th to breed her. My husband thinks we are keeping 1 girl puppy, but we are going to keep 2 and I am going to name them: bambi and buttercup, I can hardly wait to be a GRANDMA!
• I am working on a plan where I will be a stay at home dog mama, any suggestions on how to make this happen?
• My youngest cried the whole time he was with my Mom this week and every night after, he doesn't want to talk about it (hmmm, I wonder where he gets that from)
• They made my Mom put her make up on in occupational therapy, she kind of looked like a Latina Tammy Faye Baker.
• She was pissed because she didn't remember doing it herself and thought one of the nurses had done a pretty lousy job! ha-ha
• She keeps on saying she has cash in the pocket of her orange purse, we need to tip $50 to each of the nice girls who are helping her (the therapists and nurses)
• I need to tell my Dad to bring the Orange purse when he comes (just in case there is a wad of money in there, you never know)

My kind of BFF

I call my friend on Friday at about noon to see if she wants to go to lunch.

Her- *hack*hack* hello
Me- Hey what's up
Her- I am SO sick
Me- Really?
Her- I'm dying
Me- hmmmm, did you go to bed really late last night?
Her- yeah
Me- Did you drink a shit load of vodka?
Her- um, yeah
Me- Sweetie, you're not sick, it's called a HANGOVER
Her- HA-HA-HA (not a real laugh, but a sarcastic she thinks I'm a bitch laugh)
Me- And YOU of all people should know this by now: H-A-N-G-O-V-E-R

This is what happens when your husband and kids go out of town- WE BREAK OUT THE VODKA!

More badness

Of course now that I said I was going to post all the Ring Leader Badness I have magically wiped my memory of them...actually the only one that keeps coming up is almost too embarrassing to post. ALMOST...

When I was 16, my curfew was midnight (completely unacceptable) one of my besties older sister was getting married and it was the social event of the season, all which made it totally insane that I had to be home at midnight. Hence the old switcheroo, my girlfriend Rocio and I each told our parents we would be spending the night at each other's house, that's as far as the plan got.

We got all dolled up for the wedding, we were looking UBER hot, big hair and tons of make-up. We drank and danced all night, well up until 2:30 am when the wedding party was over and then there we were standing in the street like total morons. At least we were not alone, I mean we each had an adorable boyfriend on our arm. Where do we go, what do we do? At 2:30 am in a small city like, um, NOWHERE.

Finally Rocio's boyfriend hatches a plan, this is where it get weird, stay with me. His name is David, his Dad adopted him from Vietnam and lived with his father in an Orphanage. Yes, you heard right, There was the main house, where David's Dad lived, David had a small apartment above the house, with it's own entrance (he was 18) and then there was a huge building on the property which housed about 150 boys, mostly kids that had been street urchins (very common in Latin America.) David proposes we go to his apartment, but we must be very discreet, because his Dad's only rule is NO GIRLS. We all agree, that we will hang out there and then leave about 5:30 and go to breakfast. Of course we get to the apt and with in 10 minutes we all fall ASLEEP! I swear, this is the truth, no one had sex (that night.) David wakes up in a tizzy at 7am and we all rush to find our shoes and leave.

Now this is the worst part...we are creeping across the lawn, smudged makeup all over our faces, pantyhose with holes in them, carrying our shoes in our hands, messed up hair and scrunched up party dresses. All of a sudden I hear cat calls, wolf whistles, boy's laughing and hooting it up. Nothing like having 150 orphans boys screeching "woot-woot, someone got lucky last night"

Now, I never had to do the walk of shame in College, as I was already married and had a child by then, but I can't imagine it would be any worse than the night I spent at Mi Hogar (IE an all boys home.) I included the link so you can see the actual lawn the walk of shame took place on!)

Here is an actual picture of that night. Rocio is in the copper dress, David is the guy in the red bow tie, I am in the black top, but you can;t see my face because I am kissing my then boyfriend on the cheek. Please note the bottle of Scotch on table!

The QUEEN of Bad Ideas

I am the Queen of Bad Ideas. Remember when you were a kid and would get busted and the teachers and parents would talk about the "Ring Leader" and how this person had come up with the bad idea and then made everyone else go along with it....well, see, I AM the Ring Leader.

I was always the one thinking up the stunts, pranks and all around stupid stuff that got us all in trouble. This week I will dedicate my posts to list all of these incidents starting back as far as I can accurately remember. There are instances that I have heard repeated by my family that I don't actually remember myself, like the time I slipped out the hotel room, stripped and was found posing in the nekkid on a coffee table in the hotel lobby. I was easy to find, as the followed the trail of my clothes. I was 3 and already exhibiting exhibitionist tendencies. This one doesn't count, since I don't remember.

Granted, they will get worse as the weeks go on, because seriously, the trouble you got in in the 3rd grade can't possible compare to the trouble you can get into when you 17, can drive and are drinking, just saying. I will spare the names of my accomplices, which after the 8th grade were mostly boys, as I could no longer get girls to go along with my cockamamie plans and pranks. Boys always seemed much more open to being bad, and more willing to do what I said (this still hold true to this day.)

Brownies- the few short weeks, before I was kicked out.

Strike 1- refused to do the sewing project for the badge, mostly just sat and chatted with the other girls while they sewed. One poke in the finger with a needle was enough for me.

Strike 2- stole a box of Nilla Wafers and a pitcher of Kool-Aid and ate them as fast as we could, just for shits and giggles and then chugged the Kool-aid, come snack time, there was none (that was bad) then my little accomplice went home and threw up red goo (thought it was blood and she was dying) and confessed to her Mom on her death bed. Of course I too threw up red goo, but had the good sense too keep it to myself, that was proof the Brownie Leaders needed to nail us (like the kool-aid mustaches weren't enough???)

Strike 3- Went camping to a lake overnight. In my defense, we were sold a whole lot of hooey! We were told it was going to be FUN, swimming, dancing, singing by the campfire and "Smores and more 'Smores. Well, there was no mention of, clearing ground for the tents, gathering water to boil, gathering fire wood, pitching the tent, digging a latrine, yes, let me repeat digging a latrine (in the 4th grade) and then they decided it was too cold to swim. Awwww HELL to the NAH, snuck off (got at least 2 girls to go with) ditched the chores and went swimming in our clothes, then my brilliant plan was to say "we fell in the lake, whilst gathering water" apparently the 35 minute dip, the laughing, screaming and playing gave us away. Aslo in my defense, as I told my parent later, at least we didn;t go SKINNY DIPPING! jeez....

Your out of the Brownies!

3 sisters make a pact

On the Saturday night I got the news my mother was ill, I cried, I bought an airline ticket on-line and then I started to pack.

This was hard:

• I was scared and emotional
• I had no idea what clothes actually still fit me in my closet and now was not the time to start trying crap on
• I needed comfortable, but presentable, you know all the old biddies will show up at the hospital and you have to at least have clean hair and NOT be in sweat pants
• I wasn't sure what the weather was like in Guatemala and was too frazzled to check weather.com
• I wasn't sure how long I would be there
• I had to pack some black clothing, a dress, a skirt, a top, panty hose and shoes.

I shoved the black items in my suitcase, thinking how unreal the whole situation was. My Mom was the healthiest person I know, works out EVERYDAY, does yoga, stands on her head for 30 minutes, doesn't smoke or drink and eats super healthy....STANDS ON HER HEAD!

As soon as my mother was able to open her eyes and mouth words, she wanted to shower and shave. Now this shows you the what is truly important to ALL women. We knew this before hand and had her make up bag, her favorite scent and a tweezers at hand. I had been carrying the tweezers in my purse since day one. You see women (all women, don't you lie) get strange hairs that appear overnight. Sometimes it's just one on your chin or your neck, but that one hair will drive you BATTY.

I did not want to simply go in there and start plucking away at my mothers face when she was unconscious, but lo and behold it was her first request oce she could formulate words.

We knew she was paralyzed on her left side (her leg and arm) but we were not sure about her face, so as I am plucking the few stay hairs from the left side of her face I ask "Mommy, does that hurt?"

Her answer: OBVIOUSLY

We all bust out laughing, my middle sister comments "yeah Mom, all this waxing and shaving and plucking is a big pain!"

Mom states: but necessary!

We all laugh again, that night as we ride the elevator down to to parking garage the 3 of us make a pact: This is the 3 sisters pact

No permission is needed, I don't care what sate I am in, one of you 2 will pluck my hairs, comb my hair, slap some make up on me and make sure I am damn presentable, if only for the nurses and doctors.

Fat Trifecta

So I am not even going to mention how much weight I have gained...it is OBSCENE. Let's put it this way, I have NO right to call my BLOG Former FAT Chick....no right at all!

I will let you get a visual of how bad is has gotten. The other night I pulled out a pair of jammies and went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and get in to my jammies. I went to pull up the silk pajama shorts and UGH!!! they would not go over my big ass THIGHS. That's right ladies and gentleman I am TOO Fat to fit into my pajamas! Seriously, not my skinny jeans, not some tight hot pants, my DAMN pajamas, now if that is not a SLAP in the face I don't even know what is.

I am calling it the FAT TRIFECTA- (otherwise know as my excuse as to why my ass is the size of a Clydesdale horse)

1. The damn lap band which had been my best friend and savior deiced to try and kill me (that bitch) by eating it's way in to my stomach, resulting in major surgery and 3 weeks in bed.
2. Simultaneously my thyroid decides to REVOLT (probably for all the times I lied and said I was fat because I had thyroid problems) well that bitch decided to sprout some nodules and stop working (16 weeks on medication and that there is NO controlling that one.)
3. Let's add to this my mother's illness. I am a eater on any given day, but if you add stress, fear, anxiety, depression and lots of crying, well, we all know those things can only be cured by the following: cake, cookies, ice cream and BOOZE, lots of booze.

The day my mother had her surgery I sat in the Hospital form 7am until midnight, and think the only reason I did not EAT myself to death was:

• there was no all you can eat buffet (thanks goodness or I would have been hospitalized for a ruptured stomach)
• I had no local currency, so I had to make friends and family buy food for me all day

I am back home now, my Mom is doing better and we are bringing her to Orlando for in-patient rehab.

I wouldn't say I am on a diet, but I am back to eating like a normal person (OK, maybe a normal sweet tooth), I have decided to cut back on the alcohol (except Saturday night I had 3 mojitos, but I danced, ALOT!) and I am going back to those PAIN in MY ASS Pilate's classes starting this week....

Stay updates to find out if my damn pajamas ever fit over my giant ass again....

Life

I was a soldier, I was in combat, I was shot, and returned to battle a couple of months later. One time I was face to face with an enemy combatant and he fired his pistol 2 feet from my chest, I heard his weapon click, it misfired, that gave me time to pull out my weapon and shoot him point blank. From behind me, I heard my commander yell “run, run, get the Hell out of here!” Three days later I was captured and held prisoner for 32 damn months. Darling all that put together is nothing compared to these last three days.

My father has said this to me twice since I have been here, his eyes well up with tears every time, he is not exaggerating, he is dead serious when he says he would die without my mother.

My parents have been married over 50 years, my father no longer knows how to exist without my mother, how to breath, how to eat, how to wake up and get out of bed in the morning if she is not by his side. His thoughts are not so much incoherent, as they are irrelevant if she is not there to hear them and share them. Nothing makes sense to him if she is not here. This is painfully clear to me and to him, and he has told me more than once in these last few days. This is a fact that truly freaks out my poor sister, since she was alone with the first 24 hours that it took me and my oldest sister to make our way to Guatemala from Florida, and she alone bore the brunt of the immense anguish my Dad was in.

My mother had a brain aneurysm Friday night just after midnight, I was not able to get here (Guatemala) until Sunday at about 9pm. She had a stroke sometime Sunday night and was put in a medically induced coma on Monday morning. Before she was put under she would grab my father’s hand and say “Thank you, thank you for staying with me” The old man’s response was, where else would I be? I have always been here and will always be here. My Mom is 70 (Mom, if you are reading this, I’m sorry for revealing your age, I’m sure you’re not thrilled about it, but if you are able to read this then I couldn’t ask for anything more) my Dad is 75, he is a man and doesn’t mind revealing his age. He and I are big cry babies, so it is not as shocking to see his eyes tear up, as let’s say as some other men who never cry. What is shocking is the fear that was there the first few days where as he repeats to me frequently was touch and go, he shakes his head and says I almost lost her, I almost lost her.

We go back and forth from the Hospital to the house all day, and we gather little bits of good news, she opened her eyes, she moved her right hand, she wiggled her left foot, she responds to verbal commands, she squeezed my fingers, we removed the ventilator, she breaths on her own, she said Mama and she said Papa! This is not how I think of my Mother on a regular basis; she is as strong, willful woman. Smart, disciplined and daring. Now we are brought to tears of joy and relief because she said mama, our lives changed forever, none more so than her's and my father’s.

look a like

To say that the HUBS looks like Kevin Dillon would be an understatement. Wait, looked like(a million years ago), now not so much. Back in the day, there was a little movie called Remote Control starring Kevin Dillon, the whole movie he ran around in a black leather biker jacket. The hubs had the exact same jacket. Last Sunday, he confessed while watching Entourage, that he came home late one night (wearing the jacket) and turned on the TV and stood there starring at the screen. He thought it was him and was wondering WTF he was doing on TV! It took him a minute to figure out what was going on.

I have to go home and look for a better (old) picture of my hubs, preferably in that leather jacket.

When I was pregnant, before anyone really knew I was pregnant and we were planning to elope, HBO would play this sappy movie called "Immediate Family" where you guessed it, Kevin Dillon (in the same jacket) knocks up his girlfriend. I used to watch this movie over and over and cry and cry and cry. My Mom would ask "What's wrong?' NOTHING *waaaaaaaaaaa* I would scream! Like pregnancy hormones aren't bad enough, imagine the same hormones in an 18 year old.

Well, in 3 days I will have been married to my little Kevin Dillon look a like for 19 years, you all can send me gifts for that too, I mean if you want to, but I am still waiting for those SHOES!

Who does the Internet think I AM?

So, most of you now know I have a weird name, first and last, this blog started out as something anonymous, but well, not anymore.

The problem with my name: Ylla, is well, that sometimes people do not know if I am a man or a woman (not in person, in person you can tell I am a woman) and I get some strange e-mails, which reminds me of a funny boob story, when I tell people I started going to bars and clubs at 15 people ask: Didn't you get carded? I always say "yeah, I had I (point to right boob).D (point to left boob.)" ha-ha, the power of boobs is awesome. Anyway back to the original story.

I think the Internet thinks I'm a man, a man in need to enhancement in the pipirichi area!

Wait thinks I'm a BALD MAN?

Thinks I am an OLD (ish) BALD SINGLE MAN?
I'm totally screwed! Wait...

OK, OK, the Internet thinks I am woman, and that I go to the gym?!? ha-ha, silly Internet!

Wait, a woman that gives a crap about LAUNDRY! hahaha, right!

Wait, the Internet, she knows am a woman now, a girl blogger and she thinks I want to make money off the Internet?! What the HELL does she think I blog for? Jeeez, I've already made $24.87 from AdSense and it only took me 12 months!

Last but not least, the Internet exacts her final revenge on me: she sends me this...BITCH knows I can't afford those Manolo Blahniks! She just wants me to suffer in my Nine West pumps...unless she is sending me a sign, yes an Internet sign, she wants me to HAVE these shoes, she knows I DESERVE these shoes, she wants ONE of you (a rich one) to send me these shoes (size 8.5), you can get them on-line at Barney's with complimentary free shipping.

We MUST obey the Internet(specially you.)

LOL Bush

I know this isn't exactly current or anything, it just really made me laugh. The look on W's face is priceless...I almost miss his silly anticts and Bushisms...NOT

Friday Mish Mash

I love Google, what on earth did we do before the Internet. For example, if let's just say, you had to find out why someones poop is bright green, what did you do before the Internet? Did you call your Mom? The Doctor, or just suffer in agony thinking something was very wrong with you. Well it turns out that bright green poo can be caused by eating a BOAT LOAD of Jelly beans or Skittles. Now, all I am going to say is that the producer of the bright green poo eats about a pound of candy a day, but said person also runs 7 miles, 6 days a week, so said person can get away with eating 3 pounds of candy a day, but was freaked out by the glow in the dark green poo. It is obviously not me, I will only run if some with a knife is chasing me, and then I would consider just laying down and letting them kill rather than wasting my time pretending I could out run a knife wielding maniac.

Last night I had a dream that I was dating Mathew Mcconaughey, but he wasn't famous. He was really nice and we were going to buy a nice new house together. Oh, and I had a little brother and Mathew was so sweet to him. I think the dream was more of a fantasy of getting a new house, rather than dating Mathew. I mean he isn't even on my 10 ten list.

Here is my top ten list, it changes all the time.

My Top 10 lest of Hot Ass Men *in no particular order

1. Alonzo Mourning (I have met him in person a couple of time and OMG)
2. Dwayne Johnson- The Rock
3. Dennis Quiad
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Jason Statham
6. Jeff Goldblum
7. Carlos Ponce (have met him too, oh my...drool)
8. Ryan Gosling
9. David Beckham
10. Eric Bana

Ladies and gays, if you do not know who any of these men are I encourage you to look them up on Google Images, deliciosos!

Going to see Inglorious Bastereds as a family tonight- ahhh, wholesome family time

Is it wrong that I yelled at a lady on 1-4 yesterday "Lady! You're a f*cking Maniac" with my oldest in the car? Wait...before you judge me

1. My son is 18
2. She seriously almost killed us
3. It was so bad my son actually took off his Ipod and said "Dude, that lady needs to learn to drive"
4. Is it wrong that my kids call me Dude?

Happy Weekend!

Let's talk about the A.D. the H and the D.

Yes peoples, this post is about ADHD. My husband has a delightful way of putting it when people ask what is ADHD. He tells them "you know that movie 50 First Dates? Living with her is like that movie, but it's not funny and she isn't Drew Barrymore"

I laugh every time, it's true, except the funny part, I think it's hilarious and Drew Barrymore wishes she had my Big Mama Boobies!

The day my kids saw the Disney Movie Finding Nemo, they started calling me Dory. That's when I knew it was BAD, I mean really bad. When an 11 year old states that you are comparable to a fish who is distracted by shiny objects and can barley remember her name, you know it's bad. Before then I just thought I was a scatterbrain, chatterbox, cockamamie, spaz.

Oh, ADHD stands for Attention Defecit Hyper Active Disorder. The Hyper part kind of fades when you are an adult, and become more fidgety, restlessness stuff. Like the time I was asked to go home and not server on Jury Duty because I couldn't sit still and had to go to the bathroom all the time.

I did realize that I have an odd behavior steming from being an ADHD child, I sit on my hands all the time, sometimes I sit on one hand and type with the other. It took me a while to figure out why I sit on my hands all the time, then one day it hit me. Teachers used to make me sit on my hands all day long, so that I wasn't Miss Fidgety.

The impulse control gets me all the time, I think it is one of the things I have worked the hardest on, I am pretty sure I am much better. I no longer blurt things out as much as I used to. They would be like verbal regurgitation, just BLAH, out there in the world, before my brain was able to make a judgment on weather it was appropriate or should be worded in another way. I don't take medication (it made me sick) but I made tons of modifications and use little tricks that help a lot (see CHADD.ORG for more info)

I know tons of people out there think they have ADD or ADHD, or their kids do, see a professional (a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose you) and go see a Neurologist. They can run a scan and you will actually see where the misfiring are in you brain, it's cool, it looks like some one sliced you down the middle and you can see inside. If you are diagnosed there at plenty of tools and not all of them require medication. Also, keep in mind that people with ADHD are 6 times more likely to have: learning disabilities, Tourettes Syndrome, Bi-Polar, Anxiety, and Depression. Scary huh? 25% of people who have ADHD parents do as well.

It's not all bad, this is a list complied of traits common to people with ADHD

Good Things About ADHD -Thirty individual ADHD aspects

1) Unlimited energy

2) Will try any thing

3) Good conversationalist

4) Needs less sleep

5) Good sense of humor

6) Very caring

7) Do Spontaneous things

8) Notice things that other people don't

9) Understanding of other kids

10) Can think of new ways of doing things

11) Likes to help others

12) Happy and enthusiastic

13) Imaginative - creative

14) Sensitive - compassionate

15) Eager to make new friends Great

16) Long-term memory

17) Life and soul of any party

18) Charming

19) Warm and loving

20) Protective about families

21) Inquisitive

22) Doesn't hold a grudge

23) Quick to forgive

24) Genuine

25) Never boring

26) Perceptive ways to do things

27) Playful

28) Honest

29) Optimistic

30) Inventive

Just thought I would run a PSA today...

Dear Body

Dear Body (men stop reading now) Dear chubby, bloated, starting to sag body,

I know that you are designed to menstruate (ugh) every month (even though I haven't had a baby in 17 years, you think you would have taken the hint) and I can forgive you for this transgression. What I simply can NOT and will not forgive you for is the following:

• the SALT cravings, extra salty popcorn, chips and nuts (why not just buy a salt tablet and lick it like a horse?)
• followed by the sugar and carb craving (can you say pancakes smothered in syrup, food of the gods?)
• even BIGGER boobs and they hurt (nice touch)
• the ridiculous pains (like birthing an alien from each ovary)
• the bloating (yeah, because I don't feel fat enough!)
• the runs (WTF? why?)
• and to make life complete: The Migraine headache

I want a letter from you by 5pm on my desk with a full explanation of your actions, if not, you are SO FIRED! I am not kidding, I am sure I can find some wacky Dr. willing to rid me of you and by you I mean the reproductive portion of you (can you say hysterectomy?) and I will simply replace you with a patch BITCH. What do you think about that!?

See you at 5pm!

P.S. Please note I did not mention the crying and mood swings, as I can't totally attribute those to solely you, there is that whole craziness thing.

Sexting

OK, this post isn't really about sexting....it's just that the other day that my post was called: Big Mama Boobies...um, I got like 3 times the hits I usually get, and I felt like the popular Queen BEE in NYCPrep (you have to watch this show, the douche-bagery is EPIC) and LOVED it...so I am thinking of either having provocative titles or all of them be BIG BOOBIES, just a thought...let me know what you think of that.

This post is really about just plain texting while you are driving, which should be called STUPID ON WHEELS.

This is where it pays to have a tattle tale...every family has one, it's usually the favorite child (yes, if you have more than 1 there is a favorite) You can pretend you're the Mother of the Year and love all your kids equally, we are not talking about LOVE, we are talking about favorite! How do I know this is true? Growing up, I was the favorite, many times it coincides with being the baby, or the cutest, sweetest and most lovely, or all of the above, just saying.

Anyway, I got a little tattle tale that lives with me and he tells me everything. He tells me about his friends, his brothers, himself (guilt gets to him) and about THE HUBS (his Daddy) which works just great for me!

So apparently The HUBS has been texting while driving. Not in front of me, of course, because we would both be dead, because if he was silly enough to text while driving while I was in the car, I would have WHACKED him so hard he would have blacked out and we would both be DEAD, right now!

No, he has been doing it, I assume alone (Thank GOD for good life insurance) and with the boys in the car (which he will answer to later tonight)

Now maybe I could live with this is if let's say we was Jeff Gordon, or Ricky Bobby, but he is undoubtedly the worst driver I have ever met. He will literally turn around and talk to the person in the back seat, he will drive with his knees while holding a coffee cup and talking on the phone (can you cay cup holder?) he will miss his exit because he is talking to you, oh the bad driving examples go on and on.

The funny thing is he really thinks he is a good driver and gets really annoyed when I tell him he isn't.

I know none of you are silly enough to be texting while driving, right?

HOT coffee in my BUTT crack!

Oh yes, it seems every Friday the trip to Dunkin Donuts get more aggravating and this week DOWN RIGHT DANGEROUS! I had to buy two coffees, 2 dozen assorted donuts and 4 bags of whole beans for the coffee machine here in the office. Well, that is A LOT to carry.

As I pulled up to my office I got out of my little mini and walked to the co-pilot's side to unload all the DD crap and figure out how to carry it upstairs. First I pulled out the 2 coffees, one which I had been sipping on the way to work and had the little mouth hole open, and placed the cup holder on top of the mini. Then I bent over to pull out the 2 dozen donuts and 4 bags of coffee and the holder slipped off the top of my car and tumbled down my back side, dripping (thank GOD the lids were on TIGHT) hot coffee all down my butt crack *OUCH*, then the fell to the ground and spilled every where. Of course I screamed out all sorts of FOUL obscenities in English and Spanish, really truckers within 25 miles simultaneously blushed!

So, I carry everything in and go to the bathroom to clean up and when I look in the mirror I realize what a complete dumb ass I am. I WAS going to wear a blue stripped shirt this morning, but changed my mind after I was dressed and changed to light pink shirt, what I didn't CHANGE was the light blue bra (yea, I am one of those matchy-matchy freaks) I was wearing which you can clearly see through the pink shirt RIGHT NOW! And not in a COOL way like when Gwen Stefani wears a black bra under a white t-shirt.

Lets' move on to my jeans...which now have a coffee stain on the back side, which looks like I was in some cardio class and had butt sweat, I can actually hear the thread in the seams of my jeans SCREAMING for mercy as I type this...HELP, PLEASE, some one get this FAT ASS out of me! Yes, people it's true, they are tight as tight can be and I am rocking a wicked muffin top, oh hotness to BOOT!

I am breaking down and buying a pair of jeans tomorrow. I'll tell you how that crap went on Monday, I am sure it will involve TEARS, SWEAT and plenty of booze...I plan on going to NY&CO because they are crazy with the vanity seizing! Pray for me girls, pray for me!

Really? Because I'm pissed!

Published in May of 1932- OK, so I have been in a SUPER bad mood for like 3 days and tomorrow I may come to work in my PJ's, since nothing else fits in my closet. I am getting my 8 week follow up for my thyroid blood work, and I'm going to make them run a hormonal work up, because something is WRONG, very very WRONG.

I am in such a bad mood that last night the HUBS was being his usual pain in the ass and in a FIT of rage I went to WHACK him, and do you know what that MO-FO did? He deflected the blow with his hand, which was grasping the remote control and I swear I may have broken my hand. It hurts to even type. And today I am STILL mad at him for hurting my hand with the control while trying to avoid my blows....I know, this TIME I really have gone CRAZY. Just don't tell him that!

Voo-Doo Ritual TONIGHT

So you may think I have some big plans for the weekend, but no, I am having a girls night in with my new friend, and based on a conversation the other day, this is what will be happening at my house tonight:

GF: So my sister went to this voodoo lady and she taught her this thing that can tell you how many children you’ll have and what sex they will be.
ME: um-hum – (my last 3 really good girlfriends have all tried to get me to have babies at the same time as them, it’s a weird obsession with my friends)
GF: So next time I see you, I’m going to do it on you and if it says you are going to have a girl. That’s IT!
ME: OK (I’m at the drive thru at Sun Trust and the tellers there always insist on talking to you and stuff, it’s so annoying!)
GF: I’ll just tell your HUBS, that’s it, you guys have to have another baby, we have to have a girl (the truth comes out, she’s has a boy and wants a girl too, not just ALL the time, so she wants to SUCKER me into having a baby for the both of us. I swear I will be like your live in nanny (yeah right)
ME: Well if Mr. X dies I’ll think about it
GF: Who’s Mr. X?
ME: Mr. X is the HUBS boss, if he dies I am sure The HUBS will get a promotion and then I can quit and become a FULL-TIME BLOGGER *ahem* I mean a STAY AT HOME MOM

Maybe I should start a FUND all the people who want me to have another baby (my youngest is 17) can send me MONEY, that way I can be a SAHM, only you have to hurry, I am 37, um, I mean 21!

I can also start a 2nd FUND, all the people who DON'T want me to have another baby can send me MONEY and when the last baby goes off to college (2 years) I can take that money and travel all over the world in great luxury (I'll blog about it of course!)

Either way, I'm keeping ALL the MONEY!

Worst thing that ever happened to ME

OK, so it's not really the worst thing ever, but it IS really shitty....and I have been getting a LOT of shitty lately.

Remember how I was called into audition for a Stein Mart commercial a couple of weeks ago and I was SO excited. Well, they never called, whatever.

Simultaneously, I was supposed to film a 15 second TV spot to run on the local Telemundo channel on Sunday for a Real Estate talk show thing. Not at all exciting, but I represent the business and I speak Spanish, so I'm doing the spot.

Yesterday, I am standing in the supermarket when I get a text message and it says: We are filming tomorrow, so sorry for the late notice.

My phone died last month so it erased every ones number and so I did not see that this message was coming from one of the owners of the business, to me it was a random number.

What do I do? Do I stop and think? Do I put 2 + 2 together?

NO! I start jumping up and down in the market, going: OMG Stein mart wants me in their commercial, a NATIONAL commercial.

Do I call the text message person back to discuss details? NO

I call my husband yell in his ear, tell him I might leave him when I'm famous. Then I text my sister, my 2 girl friends and my assistant.

I then call my sister and we GAB about how I am definitely going to need my SAG card and how this is my whole new career, etc, etc, etc

Just then my assistant text's me back: I don't have to be in it right?

You know that expression BURST YOUR BUBBLE- POP!

DUH! I drive up to the house, my husband greets me in the garage and says: What's wrong?

I explain and then (this is how I know it WAS really bad and I looked SUPER SAD)

The HUBS (who from now on will be know as the Guatemalan Chuck Norris) goes:

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I have never heard him say awwww, he is SO not the kind of man who says awwww, he's a bad ass Chuck Norris type.

So I'm at working today filming a infomercial for local Spanish TV instead of freaking getting famous with Stein Mart. SUX the BIG ONE!

Too soon?

Too soon? Too mean? Should I have waited until CNN, MSNBC, and every other media outlet stopped broadcasting about his death at least 10 hours a day?

Can you tell my why Anderson Cooper (don't get me wrong, I LOVES the silver fox) had to do a segment titled "Where is Bubbles?" Really?!?

Look I like to get my gossip on-line all DAY long, Perez, TMZ, etc, etc, but at some point I want to watch real news, like the

• what's up with the President of Honduras or ex-president?
• Iran a nuclear threat?
• The ETA just detonated a car bomb in Spain?
• What's up with Korea?

The one thing on this list was not is Bubbles knows Michael is dead and if they should tell him.

Just sayin...

Big Mama Boobies

Last night we went out to dinner with some new friends, we met through some mutual friends and they just moved to the area so they have NO friends here, thus they have taken up with us. ha-ha I kid, I kid, I just know everyone is just dying to be my BFF so I can blog about them and make them famous, it's the HUBS, no one loves him, he scares people, that's the reason we have so few couple friends. Like I said: I KID!

Regardless, we went out to dinner, with our new friends, as it was the new couples husband's Birthday. It was super yummers and walking to the cars we were talking about strip clubs (don't ask) and both men agreed, they NO like. I am sure all married men say this, but my new guy friend was specific, he does not like some nasty boobies in his face, that he doesn't know where they have been. Apparently stripper boobies are dirty, we keep walking, his wife is making a "yeah right buddy" face.

• Wait, important part of the story is what I was wearing. We have beat "the 10lbs that won't leave" like a dead horse, and all my clothes makes me look like an over packed sausage, so I have taken to wearing those Maxi Dresses that are in this Summer. This works out wonderfully because the ta-tas have grown exponentially and work as the best detractor of the train wreak that is the rest of my bloated body. So of course, this is what I was wearing last night, it's like my new uniform.
• Second, important tid-bit, the Birthday boy was carrying his four year old on his shoulders, a GIANT & strong 4 year old (really the Daddy is 6'4)

We get to the cars, I go to give the Birthday boy a Happy Birthday/Good night hug, he's 6'4, so he bends over, I am 5'6 to I tippy toe up. Just then the 4 year old, who I now know LOVES me, wraps his hands around my head and pulls down to hug and kiss me. I am overwhelmed by little little kid love and linger in the sweet 4 year old kiss and hug. All the while oblivious that the kid has shoved his Dad's head right in the the BIG MAMA cleavage.

When I step back Birthday Boy says: Well, I guess now I don't need to go to a strip club.

Oh! Boobies in the face of the new couple friends husband, not good and VERY AWKWARD!

Good to be back at Tova's for Totally Awkward Tuesdays!

Tourists, Dunkin Donuts and little kids

I LOVE Dunking Donuts

I like kids

I tolerate tourists

I get a healthy dose of these three things every Friday. I live in Orlando and every Friday on my way to work I stop and buy donuts for the whole office. Why? Because I am the boss and I want everyone to LOVE me.

Anyway....the DD I go to is at the main entrance to Downtown Disney and all the Disney Parks, it is on my way to the office, but during the summer it is always jam packed of tourists just waiting for the parks to open.

The line is always insane, but the DD employees are super fast and efficient, except for when this happens:

Woman and a million kids have been standing in line for 20 minutes starring in to space, they finally get up to the front of the line and are asked for their order, at that moment the woman proceeds to ask each child what kind of donut they would like. Some of these kids don't even have verbal skills yet. DD has like 300 different kinds of donuts, she make the employee point at every single one until the kid grunts what the Mom assumes is a yes. The other gaggle of kids flip flop from chocolate with sprinkles, to strawberry to vanilla no sprinkles, 3 million times. REALLY?!?! There are 50 people in line behind you OCTOMOM (where the HELL did you get all those kids?) I am one of those people and I haven't had any coffee this morning, I am late to work and last night I had a Networking event where I had 3 glow in the dark martinis that were good at the time, but must have been made with Florida moonshine because MY HEAD is killing me, oh, and did I mention I am late to work and I am the Boss and that looks BAD, specially when you wrote up an employee last week for being consistently tardy to work?!?!!!!!!!!!

Don't give your kids choices! Just buy a dozen donuts and hand them over, THEY ARE DONUTS, they are ALL good! If you insist on giving your 2 year old choices, then do the sane thing: You want vanilla or chocolate, pick one. OK?!

Also...when you are in that Giant SUV that holds your million kids and get 3 miles a gallon on I-4 and realize you are all the way over in the left lane and the exit to Magic Kingdom is in 25 feet in on the right...DO NOT cross 5 lanes in 3 seconds, we are driving at 70 miles an hour and I am in a mini for fucks sake and your TANK could KILL me!

This has been a public service announcement from the sane people of Orlando. We love you and your money. Thank you and have a nice day.

200! not pounds SMART ASS! POSTS!

In honor of my 200th post I am sharing with you all my first post ever!

So please click HERE to see how it all began!

It has been almost a year of me babbling on and on about all the silly stuff going on in my life and in my brain. I am truly surprised every day that people read my blog, I mean some of you actually know me and are interested in my life, however others of you well ...I think it maybe like when you see a car accident on the side of the road, you can't help but look. Or when you're at the supermarket and their is a Mom with her little kid, and the kid is practically THE DEVIL and won't listen to the Mom's: please to sit down, stop screaming, don't touch, etc....and you know she is JUST about to have a melt down and the devil kid might catch a good smack, so you pretend you need to buy the same things as her and follow her just to witness the devil kids TOTAL look of shock (because she has only warned him 3000000 times he's gonna get it) on his face. And then when it happens you have to cover your mouth and stifle a gleeful laugh? And you feel like make "na-na-na" I told you so brat faces at the kid when the Mom isn't looking. Hoping he will learn his lesson and stop torturing his Mom, at least in public. Really, only me? That only happens to me?

Oh well.....how about YOU (yes you, you sexy thing) tell me why you read my blog, in other words: COMMENT bitches!

SteinMart, I'm your GIRL!

OK...so for fear of jinxing it, I haven't blogged about this before. A couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from Stein Mart, as I am a preferred customer, in the e-mail it said they would be filming a commercial locally and wanted to use actual Stein Mart Shoppers. So, I sent my picture and a little blurb about me and why I loves the Stein Mart!

Guess what?! Of course they called me silly, you all know I'm flipping hilarious and totally super cute! So yesterday was my casting call. I arrived at Stein Mart and they took my picture and asked me to fill out a questionnaire, they gave me a piece of paper with my name and a number. My number was #590, my heart sank...really I was 1 of 590! I guess in my mind I was their only love. The person in charge of the campaign came out with the creative director (who both were like Barbie and Ken in their blond perfection) and they spoke to my group of women (like 7) about what was going to happen and how it was going to work, etc, etc, etc. I was first up so I said nice meeting you to the other girls and "Good Luck" as I walked away, as soon as I was a few feet away I turned to the creative director and "but not really" ha-ha she laughed, as did I, because who am I kidding, I always laugh at my own jokes.

They asked me my name and where I was from, which as you all know, is like a 10 minute answer, all on video! I was wearing an adorable maxi dress that I had bought at Stein Mart the weekend before to go out a dancin, with a hot pink, got the hair did and all cuteness.

I then told them why I am a super Bargain shopper (you know being a Mom at 19 and all) and how now even if I have some money I can't justify paying full price or overspending on silliness like clothes! Then I told them I can't deal with TJMaxx or Ross because they are too chaotic and I am afraid to take my shoes off in the nasty dressers for fear of SWINE FLU! or worse, they all cracked up *yay* a good sign. That was about it. Oh, they gave a $50 Panache Card, that's Stein Mart speak for gift card. I spent it immediately!

Here is what I got:

an AWESOME salad bowl set (with a container under it for ice, so you chill shrimp or fruit salad) 2 serving pieces, a divider that fits in the bowl so you do like a veggie platter, and attachment that you drop in and put dip in AND a cover, so nasty flies don;t get in it while you take a swim in my pool...

I also got a gift for my girlfriend because she was having a SUPER bad day and I was going to visit her to cheer her up- a Goblet with pink and black polka dots and her monogram as well as a pink and green plaid coozie with her monogram. Let's face it a bad day can only be improved with Girlfriends and Cocktails!

Cheers! Have a great weekend and think positive thoughts of me in the next Stein Mart campaign....better yet, e-mail them, write them, tweet them and tell them you want to see ME, and ONLY ME in their next ad....I was going to suggest you go to their stores and write on the mirrors in the dressing room in my signature RED lipstick - HIRE FORMER FAT CHIC, but I thought that might be a wee bit much...

Hypochondriac My ASS!

The other day the HUBS had the audacity to insinuate that I may be a hypochondriac. Mostly because I hurt my right shoulder while drunk dancing on the 4th of July. Why is the drunken part important, because I mean really what the HELL kind of dance was I doing to actually injure my shoulder.

Take a minute and visualize this…me drunk in a monokini (not a unikini which I drunkly said all day) waving my arms around something FIERCE to injure my right shoulder. My theory is that I was churning my ass so much that the centrifugal force must have carried to my upper extremities. Why do I emphasize my RIGHT should? Because that WAS my one good shoulder. I have arthritis in my left shoulder and had surgery on it last year, awesome, great FUN, you must try it some time, really!

Anyway…I could NOT go to my Pilates class due to my post 4th injury. Mind you I paid for 20 classes like 4 months ago and it should have only taken me 1 month to use them up. This sets the freak off (the HUBS,) he starts his speech on how I have to get healthy, and have a responsibility to the family to be healthy…yadda..yadda...yadda…all I hear is the Peanuts Gang adult voices *wa-wa-woonk*wa* Now of all people, it’s true the HUBS can actually sit there and extol the virtues of exercise, the man is a MACHINE a complete BEAST, he works out at least once a day, EVERYDAY. He runs 7 miles in 7 minutes each.

Then he blames all my illnesses and surgeries on lack of exercise: Gall Bladder removal, thyroid disease, arthritis in shoulder, tonsils, c-sections, lap band (he may have a point on that one, but I never concede you know I'm big boned!) He just goes on and on and on….Me; I’m late for work and must nip this rant in the bud!

I look at him, dead in the eyes…really, lack of exercise REALLY?!? Because I have a freckle on my hoo-ha that the Dr. says needs to be biopsied! You think if I go run a MILE right now it will make the freckle go away??? I flip my hair, turn around and walk away.

That’s how you win every time; you bring on the BIG GUNS…your GYN problems.

See you in Hell!

You know how I am always saying I am probably going straight to HELL...

The moment I saw these 2 kids, I knew we would meet up there...who knows it could even be FUN, except for the heat, thrashings, torture, etc,etc, etc.....

See you there!

Friday Mishmash

• So I changed my layout, you may have noticed, I likes it AHLOT

• Even BIGGER news, I'm talking FULL C cup news, I was featured on Boob Emancipation! Oh my word, I am so honored, you like me, you really like me or mah boobies, whateve.

• Also in the news...I joined Twitter, and still not sure if I love it, time will tell, but please follow me, because having no followers make me feel SO unloved and you know I am one of those people that NEEDS everyone to absolutely ADORE me.

• Also, I need to post this pic of Peanut in Paris (she is my niece) seriously, she is 4 and is in Paris, I am *gulp* 37 and have never been! Esplain me this! Wait, I was tortured by sister my whole life, you know the EVIL sister and then she grows up has a kid and is like the nicest Mom ever and takes her kid to Paris!

You know we are related, she looks totally deranged in the picture!

Have a great weekend, ma petite bebes! I plan to get drunk and speak in an obnoxious french accent all weekend long, that should teach the HUBS to not take me to Paris!

Flying Boy

The youngest Hairy's Birthday is July 6th, this sucks. It is in the middle of the summer, everyone is out of town on vacation or gone for the Holiday weekend, or away at their parent's who doesn't have full time custody, etc, etc, etc.

Besides, everyone who is in town (like me) is pooped from the crazy 4th celebrations. This year we had a Cook Out on the 5th, just to keep the party going, but not a single friend of little Hairy came over. The result was he was tortured by all the grown ups all day long. We made him play billiards with us, he played pool volleyball and by the end of the day he became the "human cannon ball." I will admit seeing 4 grown men throw my 140 pond baby 8 feet up in the air was not fun, he however thought it was AMAZING!

Thanks Jen for putting together Worth a Thousand Words Thursday!

Camel Toads vs toes

I am sure there were many things my mother's generation had to worry about....I am sure on of them WAS NOT Camel Toes.

When I read the article below I laughed out loud, because I was sure if I called my Mom and asked if she knew what a Camel Toe was, the answer would be: What is at the end of a Camel foot?

Boy, how times have changed....EXHIBIT B, the chic with an actual Camel tattoo on her big toe, ewwww, GROSS, by the way sweetie, it's called a PEDICURE, get one!
Ladies and gay boyfriends, I give you EXHIBIT C- The Cuchini!



Genius, I tell you GENIUS! My sister sent me this CUCHINI link the other day and I started screaming, because (I swear to BUDDHA, this is true) like a month a ago I was thinking there was a market in inventing something that prevented Camel Toe, come on, you know it's true! Of course, some smart ass in Florida already did!

Please click through to their website, it's awesome, seriously the camel girl is adorable and their tag line is "Our Lips are Sealed!" The kicker is you can send a Cuchini to someone anonymously...that's just wrong, if you bitches have the inclination to send me one, just send me money instead, for the "STAY AT HOME MOM" fund I am starting, now that my youngest has turned 17....Camel Toes are the least of my worries!

4th of July

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, and for the third year in a row we are going to our friends house on the lake. They have a HUGE to do and it is so much fun. Really, they go all out, great bbq, lots of booze, volleyball, horseshoes, jet skis, water skiing, firework and dancing. There are flags everywhere, they are way into the 4th..very patriotic.

Today is the 3rd and I have the day off, I have 2 things to do today:

1. Get a fake spray tan
2. Buy a one piece

You all know about the dreaded 10 lbs that came to visiting and have yet to leave, well they mostly have taken up residence in my thighs, and well I am not happy about that. The fake tan helps, really it does. It is sort of like wearing black, only all over your body. Fake tans are great (when you go to a professional) really the worst that can happen is that I end up looking like and Oompa- Loompa, and even then people would say "Wow, Joe invited an Oompa-Loompa to the 4th" as opposed to "Holy Shit look at her dimply thighs and huge ASS!"

However accomplishing my second goal of the day, buying a one piece is not that easy, I was not able to get any females to accompany me on my dreaded mission, I know how pathetic, I have NO friends. So it seems I will have to go with The Hubs and well, he is BRUTALLY honest. And I may never recover emotionally.

Keeping all that in mind , I think I may have come up with an alternate solution, I might just wear this to the BBQ tomorrow...it's just not very patriotic...

What do yo think? The downside is that the Party is going to be CHOCK FULL of Good Ole boys and well it could get ugly. I mean I live in the South and some of these guys have gun racks on their trucks and they all have that yellow sticker that says "Terrorist Hunting Permit!"

I would be funny if I wore a bikini under it and by 4 o'clock, when I'm sloshed I can lift up the burka and start flashing people! hhaaaaaaaa-ha! Dear Lord, I entertain myself constantly.

Happy 4th Everyone, have fun and be safe!

Father's Day

Since all of you already know that I am the WORLD'S BEST WIFE....I thought I would share with you just one more reason why this statement is so utterly true.

This is what I got the hunk a hunk a HUBS for Father's Day:

In Nacho Libre's immortal words:

"When you are a man... Sometimes you wear stretchy pants... In your room... For fun."

And because when you go out, Honey, you never know when you are going to have to THROW DOWN, specially when you are with a hot piece of "arroz con pollo, with some black beans" ASS like Former Fat Chick. I mean really what am I supposed to do with all this junk, all this junk inside my trunk?

Well, I will tell you what, drag it to Pilate's 2 times a week and make it walk around the block the other days, because those 10 lbs are NOT going away...

Whatever, the HUBS is Hot as ever in his size 32 Chuck Norris Jeans....I will have to tell you all one day what a bad ass he is...

We have a WIENER~ I mean Winner!

For my first and fabulous giveaway, click here to see what the helz I am talking about, the winner is HOOTSGIRL!

I used True Random Number generator as very cool little tool! It was not as easy as I thought because I had to count up the people who had linked back, then the comments and then the new members...Giveaways are complicated y'all!

Congrats HOOTSGIRL! Go to Gena's site and pick the luverly print you want and then e-mail me! I am so excited!

Shits and Giggles

I am probably pool side in a GIANT one piece right now, drinking some good ole Smirnoff Ice and floating in a pool...ahhhhhh

For those of you stuck at a computer on a Saturday, this post is for you, just a little funny I saw on-line...

I hope this guy NEVER comes near me...because if those things he lists make him sick...AWWW HELL... the dude will just keel over the moment he is with in 10 feet of me.

So for shits and giggles let me count how sick I make him...hmmm

1. sex


2. rock music


3. drugs (once in High School)


4. money lover


5. rebellious woman


6. people that watch TV more than study the Bible


7. people that talk to pets more than God


8. party animals


9. computer freak


10. roman catholic (married one and baptized my kids)


11. effeminate culture (I told you I was prissy)

The rest apply to most everyone I know and love, oh, except for Racist, I happen not to know or love any racists. They MAKE ME SICK, racists, so on that we do agree Mr. Sick Guy.

What the HELL is a Fox Hole Religion, and Ankle bitters? Does he mean little kids, cause they piss me off too...

Bathing Suit vs Body Bag

When my mother was a young girl, she was sent to boarding school in Buenos Aires (Argentina.) It was a school run by nuns and they sent a long list of things she would need to bring. I am not sure what year this was, but I would say around 1952. The list had items such as 6 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs black tights, etc. One of the items was a bathing suit, so my mother and Grandmother packed my mother's one piece in to the luggage and thought nothing of it.

Upon arrival the boarding school was a tad more strict than she had imagined. There were no mirrors, it was sinful to admire oneself, she was instructed on the proper way to undress and dress. The lights were to be off when this was done and she was to either close her eyes or advert her gaze as not to see herself naked. The logic was , if you saw or self nude or admired yourself, well that could lead to touching yourself, etc. This is where the "bathing suit" comes in. When they requested a bathing suit, it wasn't to go to the pool or the beach, as my mother had imagined. No, their "bathing suit" was a body bag with holes for you arms and head. You put it on and then go it the shower. You would get soaking wet and then bring your arms in and lather up with soap under the sack. Then rinse off thought the sack! All this so you would not see your self naked. I mean really, at 13, did you think you had a banging body and want to be all looking at it?!

Boy how things have changed! The Joker (my youngest son) has a friend that got her navel pierced as her graduation gift from MIDDLE School...and the older hairy has a few girlfriends that got tattoos on their 18th b-day!

Speaking of bathing suits, remember how I said that I was going to wear my blue bikini, THIS ONE, no matter what, even though I have gained 10 pounds, well I LIED.

Tomorrow I have a pool party, with some young hot bitches and this is what I have decided to wear.

At least I won't have to get a bikini wax, like last time!

Giveaway...hurry, last CHANCE!

I have almost 200 followers...I know, I can hardly believe it! The first post was on 8/11/2008 and this is my 180th post! Wow, I feel loved and appreciated by you all. So to give a little back, I am doing my first giveaway. And you know me, I don't go small, I am a firm believe that MORE is MORE (not less, silly.)

I'm not giving away some recycled gift or some cookbook or dish rag..haha, I don't even know why I thought of those random things...I'm giving away Lulu's first born *ahhhhhhh* are you crazy? All the dogie babies she has are MINE, ALL MINE (you can't tell hubs that one either!)

No, I am giving away an authentic print, signed by the artist herself Ms. Gena Semenov . At first I was going to pick my favorite, but then I thought what better than have the winner pick his or her favorite! There are so many to choose from! and seriously, I LOVE them all! Check them out, I know you will love them too!

As you know I have commissioned my very own portrait (with my canine soul mate Lulu) and I can't wait to share the final painting with you all....but the more I look at these gorgeous works of art the more I want to share with you all.

So here are the rules! ANYTHING GOES, just kidding.

You must follow me (everywhere, even when I'm drunk at a bar and might need help in the restroom!) ha-ha

follow me= 1 entry

You must leave me a comment, on this post (because you all know I am such a hooker for comments)

comment = 1 entry

If you are blogging biotch like me then you can write about how amazing, awesome, totally gorgeous and ridiculously intelligent I am, or just tell them to come win some fabu free stuff, whateve, on your blog and link back to this post.

blog w/ link back = 5 entries

Good luck babies, winner will be announced on Friday June 26th!

Forever Akward

The names have been omitted to protect the innocent.

One of my friends used to be in the movie business and worked all crazy hours for days on end. It was sort of feast or famine. She might work 6 days straight, 16 hour days shoots, etc and then not work for a month.

She was a single girl in a small apartment with no laundry in her place. Which meant lugging her clothes to the laundry mat and wasting 1/2 a day doing laundry. During one of her crazy work schedules, she had not been off in a very long time and had not done laundry in weeks.

It was her first Sunday off in what seemded to be eons and instead of going to do laundry she accepted a date with a Uber hot guy to go to a fabulous Mimosa brunch.

She donned a cute summer dress and strappy heals, opting to NOT go commando, which we all know is NEVER a good idea, she wore the LAST pair of clean panties in her drawer.

They were her BITCHES. You know what I mean, those ratty old granny panties that should have been thrown out years ago. They have holes, are faded and the elastic is shot to hell. Yeah, girls, those panties are your bitches.

All was fine and dandy, Brunch was amazing, she politely excused herself to go to the ladies room to powder her nose. On the long walk back, she caught her date's eye and gave him a coquettish hair flip and a big smile. Just then she felt the panties slipping, falling, slithering down, that flirty walk of hers, that extra UMPHF she put in her hip sway for the date had been too much for the BITCHES, the slid right down. There she was standing in the restaurant with her granny panties in a pile on the floor, right between her strappy sandals.

What is a girl to do. Well, step out of them, pick them up, stuff then in your purse and pretend like those 30 seconds NEVER HAPPENED.

Good to be back with TOVA for Totally Awkward Tuesdays!

That was their first and last date.

The moral of the story? Treat your panties like your bitch and they may exact revenge when you least expect it!

Monday Mourning

Why can't weekends last forever?

I have a new plan, now that my youngest is a Junior in High School I have decided I want to be a STAY AT HOME MOM, just saying, that's my plan.

Tramp Stamps Galore

I want a tattoo, really, a cute retro tattoo, 2 cherries and a stem on my foot, up near my ankle. Of course the HUBS is DEAD set against it. I think it will be so cute, but in his head this is what he sees:

I have seen lovely tattoos on lovely girls, but posting about that just wouldn't be me. So to satisfy the inner bitch in me, here are some classically bad TRAMP STAMPS! Hope none of them are your sister, or you, or you Momma or worse of all YOUR DAUGHTERS! hahahaaaaaa

THE GOOD BOOK NEVER LOOKED SO BAD!

MAKING MAMA & PAPA PROUD!

OH LORD! THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR HOW AWESOMELY BAD THIS IS!

I will never look at a butterfly in the same way again!

Can you fix my CAR

I am super obsessed with Craig's List. I look at it all the time, yes, I have bought stuff, but mostly I check it out to see what other people are trying to sell for MONEY! ha-ha half the stuff is GAWD awful junk that the salvation army would turn down.

Sometimes you run in to questionable posts, like this one.

http://orlando.craigslist.org/bar/1227833908.html

I mean really, what's a GIRL to do? Apparently nowadays, advertise some HOT lovin in exchange for car repair!

gotta love it, time are TOUGH!

Crazed Mama moments

I am sure my kids think I say crazy stuff all the time, in fact I am going to ask them to each send me a list of 5 crazy things I say and make that a post.

I am sure I will have a valid explanation for each one.

The reason I am thinking of this, is because the other day I was thinking of all the crazy stuff my mom used to say to me. I am sure in her mind the was a very valid reason to say these things. I think the problem lies within the the fact (I say this because this is why I do it) that we just say stuff to our kids and want them to blindly accept them, seriously, it would never stop if we had to explain every damn thing to them.

So here is a list of the crazy stuff my Mom said to me over the years:

1. You can't have those Precious Moments dolls, why do you want them? They look like they have Downs syndrome. (I was 6)

2. You are too old to get a Cabbage Patch Doll (I was 12)

3. You are too young to go to the movies with your friends alone (I was 12, make up your mind lady)

4. You can't be the great pumpkin for Halloween, how are you going to dance with the boys? (I was 12)

5. You are too young to shave your legs (I was 12)

6. You know what my Mom used to do? She would rub alcohol on her legs and then light it to burn the hairs off, because her mom didn't let her shave her legs, maybe you should try that! (Wait...I can't shave, but I should set myself on FIRE?! I was 12)

7. That bra does nothing for you, you need a serious under wire (HUH?! wire, sound painful! I was 15)

8. How about changing boyfriend less than you change your underwear (I was 16, what! I was popular, had to play the field!)

9. I know we have never had the talk, but... (um, too late now, I was 17)

10. You know, you can't get married in WHITE (the HELL I CAN! I was 18)

This is on my car

I kid, I kid, I only wish I was this funny....besides I drive a mini, no kids allowed in my car, seriously what the HELL did I buy all those skateboards for! Mine would say FORMER FAT ASS, now know as Big Ass.

Fur Babies vs. Sons

Too late to bitch now, since we have 3 boys living at home, but this is why you should consider sticking to pets vs. children.

1. You will never walk in on your dog having sex with it's girlfriend.
2. You will never catch your dog trying to get his older brother to buy beer for him and his buddies.
3. You will never get a call from a neighbor when your out of town saying there is a "funny" smell coming from your garage, cause your dog is in there with some other dogs smoking something that smells "funny."
4. Also get a call from the same neighbors because there are 15 cars in front of your house while you are out of town and people making out on the hood of a car in your driveway.
5. Your dog will never ask you repeatedly for years over and over to get a tattoo or piercing in their ears, eyebrows, lips, noses or tongues (dogs are not that stupid) or something called gages, which in turn allows you to let them run around with hair as long as Lady Godiva as a freaking compromise!
6. You will never catch two of your dogs sneaking out of the house on the same night.
7. You will never go to wash your dogs blanket and find a condom wrapper.
8. Your dog will never bark at you "you're crazy, you overreact about everything!"
9. You dog will never have 2 other dogs over and drink a case of beer and just assume you wouldn't even notice.
10. You will never have to give the sex talk to your dog, you just get the fucker spayed or neutered.

on the other hand...

1. Your kids will never chew up you favorite pink suede pumps
2. Your kids will never steal your panties form the dirty clothes and eat them (I hope)
3. Your kids won't pee and poo on your rug (mine did, potty training gone bad)
4. You don't need to follow them with a Popper scooper their whole life (once they are potty trained)
5. Your kids won't lick their own private parts (mostly because they can't reach)
6. Your kids kids won't sniff your girlfriends crotch every time she comes over (unless she's a MILF)
7. Your kids won't bite anyone (if they do they rarely break skin)
8. Your kids won't get loose and chase a neighbor barking down the street
9. If your kids ever knock someone up at least it won't be a litter of 8 (unless they are dating Octomom)
10. You kid will never get the runns when you are not home and poo all over your bed, the walls and the carpet, oh yeah and then throw up on half your shoes.

DON'T FORGET TO GET IN ON MY GIVEAWAY!!! It's freaking AWESOME!

Then and Now

Today I took my youngest to get his driving permit, he will be 17 on July 6th and could have gotten the permit almost 2 years ago, but in all honesty letting that child drive a car at 15 would have been a eminent threat to all people in Orlando, I'm talking CODE RED. Regardless, he didn't pass, so his Dad has to take him back tomorrow to re-take the test.

Before at 13

After at 16

Even the lady at the DMV called him a Silly Goose, if she only knew!

Thanks Jen for all the WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS THURSDAYS!

Don Bailey- Fancy a SHAG?

It was 1995 and I was moving to Miami. I was 23, married and had 2 kids, and had just spent 2 years in Silver Spring, Maryland. My husband decided we should move to Miami, and because I grew up a Diplomat Brat, moving every 2 or 4 years, it sounded like a great idea. My husband left August 1st, to find a job and someplace to live, I would follow as soon as he had a job. My mother (bless her heart) came to help with the moving and the babies, and stayed with my older son (who was 4 at the time) while I left with the youngest, who had just turned 2, and boy was he terrible. I left Maryland with my youngest the last week of August, I packed my little hatchback and but it on the car train from Virginia to Sanford, Fl, then chased Stevie up and down the aisles of the train ALL NIGHT LONG. The ADHD is strong in that one! After a long night, we were happy to arrive in Florida, but still had a 4 hour drive down to Miami, the poor hairy monster must have thought once we were off the train it was play time, because the minute I stuck him in the car seat, he just about lost his mind! I swear he screamed the whole way, and then it started POURING rain. Not raining, BUCKETS of water, giant SUV's sped by drowning my tiny hatchback….it was rough. In typical Florida fashion the sun was shining 5 minutes later as I was approaching the city, just then it came in to my field of vision. A giant billboard with what seemed to be Burt Reynolds naked on it. WTF!?! As I got closer this is what I saw….

Oh my WORD, WOW! I was in LOVE; I screamed and hollered I laughed so hard. Just then my obsession was born. Don Bailey you are my MAN! I would drive by the various billboards all the time or see his delivery trucks and scream “I LOVE YOU DON BAILEY, YOU SEXY MAN!” I scream all the time in my car, even if I’m not alone. Sometimes I would just yell “PAPASOTE! Mi novio!” and blow a kiss to him. The year I turned 30, I commissioned a birthday cake with him on it, yeah baby! I will dig up the picture over the weekend, no I didn't have a digital camera back then! I promise to post it.....In short I have many obsessions, specially "local celebrities" but this is one of my all time favorites. He was 37 when he posed for the painting...I am 37...coincidence, I think not...you and me Don Bailey, it's written in the stars....just don't tell THE HUBS!

Below is a Miami Herald Article that I found on line....but there was no actual link- it's a great article!

HE BARED IT ALL TO COVER FLOORS By Nicholas Spangler

An enormous naked man watches over South Florida. He is handsome, muscular, pleased with himself. He calls to mind Michelangelo's David, with a mission from a more swinging time: to put quality shag carpeting in every home for an affordable price.This, of course, is Don Bailey, the naked carpet man, whose painted image appears on billboards and murals from Deerfield Beach to Miami.Over the years he has appeared, clothed, in other advertising campaigns. But who remembers that ''Don Bailey made history by selling carpet at such low prices,'' even after seeing his face pasted over one of the lesser presidents' on a mock up of Mount Rushmore? Does anyone really care that ``The ladies of Florida love Don Bailey for taking inflation out of carpet prices?''No, the genius is in the flesh, which is ageless, forever at leisure. And that grin: so white, so wide and sunny. Take comfort, it says; for whatever tragedies beset this world, there will always be Berber.Don Bailey is a real person. He lives in a house on Biscayne Bay with his third wife and teenage son, goes to work every day, drives a green pickup with his naked picture on the back.The carpet business has made him rich, and he is generous with his money. Carpet deliverymen and saleswomen across South Florida have gone to college, bought first houses and family cars because of his gifts.But back in 1972, when the first billboard went up, he was a truck driver's assistant who had had to borrow $5,000 to set himself up in the carpet business.Business was bad. It didn't stay that way.In April of that year, Cosmopolitan magazine published what is believed to have been the first male centerfold in history. It showed Burt Reynolds reclining on a bearskin rug, naked with cigarette in hand. It sold out at newsstands in a matter of days, and opened a beefcake floodgate: Joe Namath and Bucky Dent appeared in posters of their own.Bailey -- who was, he will remind you, a football star at Edison Senior High -- cheerfully followed suit, posing himself in Reynolds' style one afternoon in his living room for his brother Jack, a commercial artist. Later, in a moment of fleeting modesty, Bailey had flesh-colored shorts added.Carpets were suddenly sexy. Women came into the store asking for posters, so Bailey had a few hundred printed up. He put the image on T-shirts, baseball caps, delivery trucks, the trunk of the sedan he was driving.He got catcalls and double-takes on the street, letters from concerned churches. Nightclub pianists announced him when he walked in the door.His son, Don Jr., in his first year of middle school, was branded forever as the ``son of the naked carpet guy.''`TYPICAL' His wife at the time, the unflappable Johannah Bailey, considered it ``just a typical Don Bailey thing to do.''The naked man made for some of the most exciting moments in carpet history. There was the flap with Reynolds' publicist, which arose when Bailey claimed the man on the billboard had Reynolds' body and Bailey's head. This was not the case, as Bailey's artist brother would later confirm; he'd tried it, to disturbingly Frankensteinian effect, and ended up just adding some muscles to his brother's body. Bailey disputed this, saying he had ''a hell of a body'' and it had been his body on the signs all along.Then came Hurricane Andrew, which blew away a single panel of Bailey's Miramar billboard -- Bailey's private parts, as fate would have it.The greatest moment of them all came in 1988, when Vicki Coceano, then a Miramar city commissioner, began a campaign to cover Bailey up. ''He needs to get dressed, or he needs to get off the rug,'' she said at the time. Bailey refused.Their dispute ended when Bailey donated the carpet for Miramar's youth center and mailed Coceano ''I Love Vicki'' buttons.One can only assume the world was suffering a critical news shortage at the time, because media outlets from as far away as South Korea ran with the story.BUSINESS GROWS Business tripled, and soon Bailey opened a second store; five more followed.Today, Don Jr. is recovering nicely from middle school and professes to be nearly free of anxiety. ''Nothing in life could embarrass me after growing up under that sign,'' he said. He's now a partner in the company and the radio voice of the University of Miami football team after playing two years of professional football with the Baltimore Colts in the mid-'80s.Johannah Bailey, who kept the name after an amicable divorce, works with emotionally handicapped children and occasionally has to explain to them history's sad inexorable progress. ''I just say he doesn't look like that now,'' she said one recent morning. ``I know none of us do.''Coceano, who went on to serve Miramar as commissioner for 12 years and mayor for 10 more, has retired from public life. ''I didn't want to censor anybody,'' she said, reached at home this week. ``I just didn't want a naked man on a billboard.''The man himself is 70 now; he was 37 when the first billboard went up. He is grayer and wider than his famous image.He is faced, these days, with the singular problem of looking less and less like himself.He was ruminating on this one afternoon in the house he shares with his present wife, Donna, and their son, Brett. It is full of family pictures and has a stained glass bay window depicting a naked man reclining on a carpet, done in a mercifully abstract style.''I still go out on deliveries on the driver's day off,'' Bailey said, smiling as if he were about to bestow a gift. ``So this customer takes one look at me, says, `You shouldn't be working at your age. Here's $5. Have lunch on me.'''And you know what? I did,'' and by then Bailey was laughing, heaving with laughter.

Camel Love

A picture is worth a thousand words....

Um, 11 days post op, my friend turned 40 and had a CRAZY bash (belly dancers, henna tattoos, fire dancers, and hookahs everywhere!)....What is a former fat chick to do? Well, take the codeine and GO!

This is the result of 1 drink (I swear) and pain medication.

If you knew me

If you knew me, I mean really knew me, this is what you would know. I am obsessed with pink, if it were up to me, I would live in a pepto bismol factory. I go batty over everything girly too. The husband says there is a reason why we never had a girl, I would have scared the child for life, she would wear pink and ruffles and pantaloons and I would curl her hair and paint daisy's on her toe nails. Seriously, I would, and I would have insisted on naming her Daisy or Betty, Lulu (not anymore, as that's what I name my dog) maybe Lola, Penelope, but not Petunia, because even I know that is too much.

Since I do not have a little girl and the HUBS banned any dogie clothes for Lulu, I have to conform with looking at cute stuff for me on the Internet. Oh the HORROR!

Here are a few things I have been obsessing over lately...

OMG! Have you ever seen a more perfect SHOE!

I NEED this done to my NAILS NOW!!!

If I ever DO have a girl, I have to move to TAIWAN, because this is where I will give birth, NO WHERE ELSE!

That's it....you think you know me now? Send me pics of stuff you think I would like...I will post the really good ones, and some of the really BAD ones...BWA-HAHAHA..or better yet, if you're rich, unlike me, send me the STUFF! hahahaaaaa, how would I explain that to the HUBS....um, I have a LOVER and he sends me Hello Kitty stuff and shoes (OMG, he sounds perfect!)

My Blog Army

These two are forever making fun of my blog....have they read it, NO! But still the make fun of me and my blog every night at dinner.

The other night I was trying to defend myself saying I have over 175 readers and how people are actually interested in what I have to say. Just then the extra hairy one turns to the facial hair monster and says: Yeah, you better watch it, Mom's gonna get her BLOG ARMY to kick your ass!

That was funny, I must admit, but just so you all know, as followers and readers of my BLOG, you may be asked to one day come to my house and kick my bad ass kids BUTTS! I see you as Gene Simmons see the Kiss Army, you are my BLOG ARMY. In my dreams your are these super hot amazon women, and we all drink like fish, lots of Vodka and Redbull and everyone one wants to be us (all other other lame women) and the Men want to totally "get to know us" if ya know what I mean, and I of course am your UBER hot fearless leader. Just saying...maybe it's the codeine talking...

House Arrest SUX!

So I have been on house arrest since getting out of the Hospital last Thursday. I used to think people who were given house arrest instead of jail time got off easy. Not anymore. It is the worst thing ever. I am bored beyond belief, I have (with the help of my Mom) cleaned out my closet. Put the winter stuff away in a giant Tupperware in the garage and pulled out the summer stuff and have it all in order. Then we got rid of the giant piles of laundry in the laundry room and put them all away. While doing that we discovered a bushell of clothes behind the dryer and (OK, this is bad) made my mom (who is 5 foot tall and 70 years old) climb behind the dryer and pass it too me. I couldn't for god sakes my stomach looks like swiss cheese! That is were I discovered like 25 pairs of my panties, all the slutty ones....I don't know very strange. I have let her control the TV as a sign of Thanks, which means I have been watching Food Network and Lifetime NON-stop! I have only been out twice...one time to the movies, and once to Target. Where they left me at the door and I got a little cart like those older people...I will never make fun of them again, it is so hard to steer those things and they go super fast!

I can not drive until I am off the pain medication and look behind me on both sides, that's what the Doc says. I am seriously hoping that will be Monday.

On a another note, I have more time to blog and surf the internets and have spent hours showing my Mom pictures of everyone and their mother on Facebook! ha-ha Oh yeah, she is blind as a bat and can never find her glasses, so she keeps wandering out of the bathroom with body lotion going is this shampoo? OR suntan lotion, is this toothpaste? MA! Wear your glasses before I have to call POISON CONTROL!
Oh! And my cel phone died and the I got a new one, but lost all 150 contacts in it! I figure if they didn't call to see if I'm alive, SCREW THEM, their not my friends, just sayin.

How I know I am the BEST wife in the WORLD

There are many things that make me an awesome wife...I mean after 19 years, I got it down pat, seriously.

However there are things that put me head and shoulder above others...below I give you the reason we drove to Georgia in a freaking HURRICANE to acquire the HUBS latest toy:

Yeah, you read it right, it says: Long Time 'Cummin. The best part was when I had to explain to him what that meant! hahaha, English is not his first language and colloquialisms just don't register in his head.

FFC= DREAM WIFE, that's worth a thousand words!

Dear Ludymila

In response to your e-mail:

I greet you!

To love another person is to see the face of God.
I'm cheerful, kind, attractive Lady, outgoing and
sociable. I enjoy life  and would like to meet a nice
Gentleman to share my life. I Value: Good manners,
open-mindedness.
I have kind and sympathetic character. In my free time
I like reading books, cooking, going to the theater,
cinema, ballet. I love travelling and spending time
outdoors with my friends. It's really important for
me to fulfill myself in a relationships - to create
coziness at home for my be loved one.
I am waiting for you

Mila

Dear Ludymila (Mila)

My dearest one, you can't know how happy I was to be in remittance of your communication on my death bed in the hospital. The moment I read your e-mail I knew I could die a contented death, I had found my soul mate. Alas, you as me are: kind, sympathetic, cheerful, outgoing and sociable! And then, when I read you like to cook and read and going to the cinema, I knew it was meant to be!

Oh Ludy, Mila my baby, there is one small problem, my parents gave me a fucked up name, that made you think that I was, how should I say this...A MAN? When in fact, I, like you am and "attractive Lady" and furthermore I like the MENS...yes, it's true FFC is strictly dickly (even that time I had 17 Tequila shots!).

Our love can never be, so you can wait in the Ivory Coast the rest of your life, it just ain't gonna happen, my dearest one.

Love,

Ylla

I'm Alive

Yes Girls, it's true. I lived through the surgery. It was not the best case scenario, but it was not the worst case scenario either. I got out of the hospital Thursday night, and have been allowed liquid only since Thursday morning. My mother is convinced I am a TOTAL masochist since I have been watching the FOOD Network non-stop. I know, sounds kind of crazy, but I never get to watch those shows because I am always at work or watching Spike TV or Speed TV or Ultimate Fighting whatever!

The took the draining tube out today, that had all the guys in the house totally grossed out. I am feeling a little better every day, but this operation really kicked me in the ass hard! Worse that 2 c-sections, worse than the tummy tuck, worse than the gall balder removal,and worse than the putting in of the gastric lap band. I am pretty sure it is because they had to cut in to my actual stomach. Today I thought I was going to be able to announce that I had lost those 10 pounds, being on a liquid diet and all and not eating food since Monday night! Yeah right....how much does that suck! Well, I will be home for a while, no physical activity, no driving and no food 'till Thursday.

Starving!

I am STARVING! I last ate at 7:30 pm last night, after that nothing! Oh yeah, I had a sip of water to take my new hypothyroidism pill this morning (because enough shit wasn't wrong with my, now my thyroid is a dud) oh yeah and I might swallow a little when I brush my teeth. My surgery is at 2:30pm.

Last night the HUBS (who is a HUGE worry wart) told me to please leave something in writing? About what? He answered "I don't know anything!" Well DUH! But I would have to write an encyclopedia to educate you at this point! However, that was enough to keep me up ALL night thinking about what to write.

So here it is....if I die (ha-ha this is dramatic) HUBS is such a freak. I want to donate my organs, but I want to look pretty in a casket, so don't go all crazy. I want to be buried in Guatemala, in a pretty casket, with lots of yellow and pink roses. I want to be in my Lauren flowery dress, I love that dress, I feel so pretty in it. And I want there to be a smashing party after the service, seriously, drinking and karaoke, because that is the best time I can imagine.

Here is my craziness exposed: I want my dog Lulu to have babies and the HUBS and the boys to always have one of her babies, because they will always make them happy and remember me. Then when Lulu passes away I want her to buried with me. It's on you to figure out how to get her in there, it's Guatemala for God's sake, I am sure you can pay someone off with a bottle of booze and a carton of cigarettes. I am sure the HUBS wanted info more along the lines of the kids medical info, the house stuff, all the bank accounts, etc...but what fun would that be!
Here's the dress and me with the HUBS.

Why the EFF did you have a kid?

I have been obsessed with this blog since the moment I saw it. Really, it is a never ending TRAIN WRECK that you can log in an look at when ever you want. I know, sick right?

I found it because it was left in the comment section of a very funny 20 something blogger, who now I can't remember her name site or how to get back to her blog...well, she is the one to blame for my very guilty pleasure:

Ladies, I give you: Why the F**K did you have a Kid?!

Please make sure NO ONE can see you screen!

Blogging can be dangerous!

Sunday was Mother's day, I called my Mom, I swear I did! It was 6pm, and I thought it was 8pm in their time zone and for sure they would be home, they weren't, no one answered the phone. I remembered to try again at about 9pm, but then I thought it was too late. I called Monday night and my Mom wasn't home. So I chatted with my Dad a little while-

Daddy: Honey, you didn't call your Mom yesterday. She was expecting your call (translation: daddy's Little Girl/favorite/baby of the bunch = SHE IS PISSED!)

FFC: Yeah I did, no one answered, where were you at 8pm?

Daddy: We were home, we only went to the club a little while and then to lunch at your sister's.

FFC: I called and no one answered. Where is Mom out at night, on a Monday?

Daddy: She went to a Women Nobel Prize Winners Conference with her friends.

FFC: Oh, you mean an Angry Lesbians conference ?

ha-ha we both laugh, because that man totally gets my sense of humor. (while my mother-in-law who was at my house at the time just looks at me perplexed)

Daddy: Call her tomorrow, she won't be back until about 11pm tonight, and that will be to late for you.

FFC: No it won't, it's like 9pm, I can call her back.

Daddy: Darling, we are 2 hours behind you, not ahead of you.

FFC: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Daddy: Besides, I don't think she is going to believe you she read your BLOG about HER Birthday!

FFC: uh-oh

And this is the woman who is coming to care for me after my surgery, if I was her I would be doing all sorts of nasty things to me when I was drugged.....maybe she will show the surgeon my post about HIM! oh no! Why do my 75 year old Dad and 70 year old Mom have to be so damn computer SAVVY!

FAT ME, you can't come back!

So, this picture was taken on 8/31/2001, it was out 11th Wedding Anniversary. On 12/26/2001 I underwent Gastric Lap Band surgery. Next Tuesday that band will be removed, due some crazy ass complications.

Fat Me, you are banished, we (I am sure The HUBS would concur) do NOT want you back. We will wear this bikini NO MATTER what, so if we gain any weight it will be extremely humiliating. Just so you know that is not an idle threat (I will inform you of my July 4th plans so you can avoid that frightful sight!)

That marshmallow white girl on the left is actually my son, Hairy #2.

These picture are WORTH a Thousand Words- FO SHO!

Talk to 10 Hairy Men...

My besties daughter had her first communion last Saturday. All week long we talked about the preparations and the dress and all the fun stuff. We then reminisced about when the 2 Hairy's had their first communion, eons ago....

The Hairy's are quite the comedy duo, always have been, always will. The week before they take communion for the first time, they all have to go to confession for the first time (it has a special name, but I can't remember it for the life of me.) I dropped them off and came back after it was all said and done. The Catechism teacher advises you not to pry as to what they confessed, but it is OK to ask how it went, etc.

They get in the car:

Fat Mom: How did it go?

Hairy #1: OK, it was just like they said.

Hairy #2: uncharacteristically silent

Fat Mom: and you? How was it?

Hairy #2: That guy was weird (guy= priest)

MY HEART STOPS (this was after all during the pedophilia scandal!) What do you mean WEIRD?

Hairy #2: He told me to talk to 10 Hairy Men!

Fat Mom: WHAT?!?!

Hairy #1: You mean "Say 10 Hail Mary's" you big DUMMY

Hairy #2: yeah that, whatever.

Say 10 Hail Mary's is not the same thing as Talk to 10 Hairy Men- I'm just saying. Now, I am not Catholic and I personally have never been to confession (the poor priest would have to take a week off to hear it!) But it seems to me the Hairy's must have been pretty DAMN BAD to have to say 10 Hail Mary's each!

The day of the Communion we had a small lunch to celebrate the kids not having to go to Sunday school anymore and Mom not having to take them! No, no I kid, I kid, we celebrated their First Communion (they celebrated all the cash they got from everyone!) The whole lunch they were giggling and grabbing my wine in a crazy imitation of the priest. I know lovely!

The usual Priest was ill and they used a re-placement priest that the kids didn't know. He was Spanish (he had just got here from Spain) and had a very thick European accent. It seems the boys thought he sounded like Dracula, specially when he would raise the Goblet and say

"I vant you to driunkh oft thees Bload"

So what they got out of the whole experience was : talk to hairy men and learn to imitate Bela Lugosi, in a nutshell.

I was married in a Catholic Church, because it was important to the HUBS, I signed a piece of paper (no joke) saying I would raise my children Catholic. I had them baptized and took them every Sunday for a year to Church and Sunday school so that they could complete their first communion. The Hubs went to Church the day of the communion.

When it came time for the Hairy's to go for their confirmation, it meant that they had to go 2 nights a week (kicking and screaming because they were now teens) for 2 years. I have always been a working Mom, I usually don't get home until 6pm, at which time I start making dinner (I cook 5 days a week), so it was apparent that logistically it was not going to happen. I offered the job to The HUBS, who is technically Catholic, which he turned down and that was the end of the contract which I was supposed to uphold to the Catholic Church.....Now the question is.........will they send Priest Dracula to get me?!

Friday Funny

My girlfriend sent this to me the other day- she said the moment she read it she thought of me......hmmmm, I wonder WHY?

Could it be the MAN drives me crazy?

I wish we knew where it came from, because it really deserves the credit!

Condi Rice VS the 4th Grader

Rice answers 4th-grader's question on torture
'The president was not prepared to do something illegal,' she replies

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice speaks to grade school students at the Jewish Primary Day School in Washington on Sunday.

Ron Sachs / Rabinowitz-Dorf via AP

Updated 6:18 p.m. ET, Mon., May 4, 2009

WASHINGTON - Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told Jewish elementary school students that the Bush administration did not use illegal interrogation tactics. Her remarks were in response to a question from Misha Lerner, a fourth-grader at the Jewish Primary Day School of the Nation's Capital, The Washington Post reported Monday.
Rice spoke at the school Sunday before giving a lecture at the Sixth & I Historic Synagogue.
Lerner asked Rice what she thought about the Obama administration's remarks on interrogation methods authorized by its predecessors.

Rice responded that she didn't want to criticize President Barack Obama. But she also said that President George W. Bush assured his administration that "we would do nothing, nothing, that was against the law or against our obligations internationally."
"I hope you understand that it was a very difficult time. We were all so terrified of another attack on the country," she said. "Even under those most difficult circumstances, the president was not prepared to do something illegal, and I hope people understand that we were trying to protect the country."

Last week the former secretary of state told Stanford University students that "we did not torture anyone."

Then the fourth grader YELLED out- LIAR-LIAR PANTS on FIRE----Then the whole class joined in!!! LIAR-LIAR PANTS on FIRE!!! (just saying, that's what played out in my head)

What is WRONG with you?!?!

OK, I know you are out there, you know who you are. You are those people who bought the Snuggy, and got mad when I said "why don't you just wear your bathrobe on backwards" DUH!


Well, I open up some silly magazine this weekend and what do I find? This...

What?!? Who are the people that wear this? The people that paid money for this? The kids head popping out like that is so CREEPY!

Is it a HAND-FREE thing? So that you can hold your blackberry and sip your latte at the same time? It costs like $80!

Here is the website so you can see all the cracked out things they sell and use this thing for!

Maybe it's because I haven't had a baby in my house in over 15 years and this is just o modern for me?! Is that is, or are you young Mom's actually buying and digging these things? Please I NEED to KNOW!~

Birthday MONEY!!!

So as you may remember my Birthday was back in February, but I have just now decided what to do with my BIRTHDAY MONEY!

I mentioned this to THE HUBS last week and his response "um, you've already spent that money like 3 times over"

HAVE NOT!!!!!- I screamed

Which he responded to- the GPS for your car, Full Moon Sleigh Ride and Dinner at the Devils Thumb Ranch in Colorado, wait the WHOLE ski trip for that matter.

The only appropriate response to his asinine allegations was SHUT UP!!!

So, here is my BIG plan with my Birthday money.

I was at an Art Festival in Mount Dora a few months back and saw a fabulous painting, I just loved it, this is it:

I don't know if you can tell, but the woman's skirt is made from real cloth. I love all of the artist's works, something about them caught my eye. All the women in the paintings were beautiful, womanly, delicate, strong and feminine, the perfect balance. Besides almost all of them had animals in them, and of those most were dogs...and well, you all know how I feel about my Little Lulu- the most gorgeous baby (you might call her a dog) on the face of the Earth.

Here is one of her doggie painting-OMG- I just ADORE them!

Well La Pequena Lulu's Birthday is coming up: May 5th, yes she is such a Latina lovely, so to commemorate our first year together, we will be commissioning a portrait by the amazing: Gena Semenov. Click on her name to see all her works, she sells prints on-line and they are truly fabulous!

This is the BEST idea I have EVER had!

One Fine Doctor!

Hey Chickie's! I finally got a surgery date: May 19!


My Doctor set it all up and I am happy to be moving forward.

He tells me that the other specialist who will be operating on my is Dr. Nieto, some guy I have never met.

Today I decided to do a little research and see who this other guy who is going to be seeing me passed out naked on a metal table is...OMG!






He is DAMN fine! Noooooooooooooooooo, why did I look him up!?! Now when I meet him I will be blushing and giggling like a school girl! How humiliating.... Oh yeah and he speaks Spanish, so what if while I'm under I'm all like "ay, doctorcito que lindo es usted" Ay Dios MIO!

I'm sure THE HUBS will love this one!

On the bright side I will think of him staring at me naked while on the Operating table mumbling "Who is this damn heffer I am operating on" And so girls, this is my NEW and IMPROVED weight loss plan!

Susan Boyle- ready for the hate mail

OK....I don't mean to be a bitch, but, well, that's just the way I am, I mean a bitch.



Yes, she has an amazing VOICE.



BUT, when I see her this is what I want to do (in no particular order)

• wax her upper lip


• tame her eye brows


• get her a good bra


• color her hair


• put some make up on her


• get her a decent hair do

I am not talking plastic surgery or even making her dress like Lady Ga-Ga for goodness sake, I am talking about taking interest in your appearance. I'm sorry, it is my gut reaction when I see her.

Also, I am just putting it out there, I knew a guy who was 27 and a virgin and I thought it was creepy. Being a 48 year old woman who has never been kissed, just doesn't sound right to me.

I know 2 nuns and they both had boyfriends before they became Nuns, even they used to mess around!!!

So, do you think I am wrong? Am a sipping on the Haterade?

Shot Gun Wedding!

There was nothing funny leading up to my wedding. Really, I was 18 and was supposed to be packing to go to Emerson College in Boston, not getting married in El Salvador (where my parents were stationed at the time) to a Guatemalan, who was 23 and my parents had met once before we told them I was pregnant. Not fun, not funny....after much crying and fighting, the parents agreed that I would marry. At City Hall, no celebration. I cried some more. OK, at a Church, no celebration, you can't wear white (my Mother's words) I cried and threw up (the morning sickness was killing me) FINE! In a Church, in a dress, small reception at the house. And so it was. I knew that everyone thought it was a joke, I knew everyone thought I would have a "real" wedding in 5 or more years down the road (with a kid from a previous relationship.) One of my sisters didn't even come! People just didn't think it was happening or maybe thought it was like when I wanted to learn Karate (lasted 2 weeks) or maybe when I wanted to learn piano (last 2 months) they thought I was a kid. Yes, I was 18, but you know what, so was my Mom when she got married and she has been married for 50 years.

So, guess what, it was my only wedding, it was my real wedding, August 31, 1990. My wedding was what I could plan in 3 weeks with $2000, so it wasn't much, but I dream of re-newing our vows with a crazy, fairy tale wedding surrounded by all our friends and family! The actual wedding was pretty funny, as are most events in my life...here are some highlights:

• I was sick as a dog with the flu and was too afraid to take any medicine, because I was preggers.


• By the last fitting the dress barley fit, I had to wear this contraption under it that had wire and spandex, it was so bad I could not sit down. The fact that my unborn child survived those undergarments is a miracle itself!


• My husband was late to Church, it was his sister's fault, they were sharing a ride and she is late to EVERYTHING.
• I had to keep circling around and around in the car waiting for him to arrive and get to the altar before I could get out. My Dad got out of the car and went to find out what was going on. My God Father got in the car. His name is "Guido" and it suits him perfectly. He offered to maim my future husband several times, actually maim was the best case scenario in his eyes. To this day, I don't think he was kidding.
• I cursed him out at the alter and pinched him hard. He was so apologetic.
• There is a rosary that has been in my husbands family for generations, it is placed around the couple to bind you together (some people do a ribbon or rope.) The HUBS has big ears and when my cousin Lisa placed it around us she left one end dangling on the Hubs ear! Everyone laughed (see picture below)


• When the priest asked my husband the I DO part, a pack of street dogs started howling in front of the Church, like a bad movie. Everyone laughed.


• The party was mostly my parents and their friends and they all got wasted, some ended up in the pond in the back yard. I was stone cold sober and had the worst flu ever.


• When we got to the Hotel Room, we ordered hot tea, lemon juice, saline water and cold medicine from room service (HUBS was sick too) We took it and went to bed.


• At 3 am our friends were pounding on the hotel room door (to this day I don't know how they figured out where we were) They are yelling stupid stuff like- What are you doing in there? You getting it on? Needs some condoms...hahaha, guess not!


• At 3:03am, I called Security and said that some crazy people were in the hall, and went back to sleep.

My father walked me down the aisle

The rosary stuck on over sized ear.

In parents backyard after the wedding.




Leaving my parents house for the hotel.



Our 20th wedding anniversary will be on 8/31/2010, I may have a 80's theme re-newal of the vows, very "Wedding Singer", y'all can come fo 'sho!


Thanks for the memories and your wedding carnival, Three Boy- One Mommy!

Is this wrong?

Is it wrong that the moment I saw this picture all I could think about was:

OMG, that is my dream hair do! Since I was a little girl, this is the exact color and hair style I had in all my fantasies...it maybe a slight obsession with Rita Hayworth...

http://www.julianwolkenstein.com/, this is the link to the artist who created the pic.

Forever Awkward

It seems that these Totally Awkward Tuesdays- created by TOVA Darling, well are an endless source of posts for me. I say this, because I am never short on awkward stories.

Junior Prom, my best friend was a senior and I spent the night at her house, since we were going to stay out all night and head to the Senior breakfast at some one's house. I went to a very small school, in my Junior grade there were 25 students, and I was considered an "honorary" senior because of my bestie.

We all had different dates and plans, but we were going to meet up at a designated point, to spend the wee hours together (just girls) and then head to the breakfast. My date had borrowed his Dad's car to be all fancy and take me to the prom. It was a Porsche and he was very worried about anything happening to it. There was a ton of drinking that night. I mean a ton. Let me remind you this want in the States, it wasn't completely legal, but not exactly illegal, and very socially acceptable. After the Prom and before the after Party we stopped at a gas station, as my date wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. I waited in the car.

I started to feel sick, dizzy, woozy, head spinning...quick, quick, open my door so I can stick my head out...I couldn't find the latch to open the door, the trow up was creeping up. I thought of the car and it stinking of puke...OMG, what could I do???

I pulled up my dress and threw up in it. It was a mess. I figured out how to open the damn door. I went to gas station bathroom and cleaned up. It had gotten all over me. I gave my date and abbreviated version, asked him to drive me back to the prom to get my BFF's keys so I could go to her house and change and then we could all meet up at the after party.

My BFF handed over the keys no questions asked, I went to her house showered and changed and went to the after party. To this day, my BFF doesn't believe me 100%, she has gotten it to her head that I was up to "no good" on Prom night (what a cliche!) I mean really, like puking in your dress is less embarrassing than getting busy?

This is how our convo about that night goes every time-

Char- so why did you need the keys to my house

ME- um, I had to change, I had puke on me

Char- why did you take a shower?

ME- I HAD puke on me

Char- What took you so long?

ME-OMG- I had puke on Meeeeeeeeee

Char- a-huh (raising her eyebrows)

Which is more awkward- throwing up in your dress or your bestie thinking you're sluting it up! hahaha....you tell me?!

My "thing" with Bunnies

I know everyone love bunnies, furry, cute, cuddly bunnies...me, not so much.

This is one of those stories that people NEVER believe. In fact my kids tell it to their friends and the friends don't believe it either. Eventually they come over to the house and make me "show" them the evidence.

The story goes....

It was Carolyn Bloom's birthday and she had a slumber party. My middle sis, had spent the night at her house and now I tagged along with my Mom to pick up my sis at the Bloom's. My Mom settled in the kitchen with Mrs. Bloom and I went outside to play with the big girls. I think I was six, and am pretty sure the big girls we all about 12. They started a game of follow the leader. I was the last in line of the game. It was cold, there was snow on the ground, I'm sure Mrs. Bloom was sick of having 10- 12 year old girls in her house and made everyone go outside and stay ouside.

Carolyn led the game...

Hop on one foot...

Walk across a log...

Skip between the swings...

Put your finger inside the bunny cage and touch the bunnies frozen water...

As I shoved my right pointer in the cage, it seems the bunny had just had it's fill of little girls invading her space. She had also just had a bunch of little bunny babies and was very protective. The Mama bunny chomped down on my little itty bitty finger. I reacted and yanked my finger out of the cage. Something flew up in the air behind me. I howled, blood gushed out my throbbing finger. I was pulled in the kitchen with the mothers. Mrs. Bloom ran my finger under the kitchen faucet, then a dish rag was wrapped around my finger, then in slow motion she yelled at the other girls:

Go get the piece of her finger- WHAT?!? Yep, a chunk of my finger was missing. Thank God, it had snowed, the blood made it easy to find. They packed it in ice and off I went to the hospital with my Mom. They sewed it back on and all was good. Well, if you count having a crooked finger with a nail that is a funny shape and grows pointing to the right, good, then it was all good.

Look at you fingers, they are sectioned off in the 3 parts. The rascally rabbit took 1/2 of the top 1/3. The lines of the stitches are visible, thus being good proof of my story.

So in honor of Easter and funny bunnies and scary bunnies as well, click here to see the awful rabbits brought to us by Cake Wrecks.

10- LBS the HARD Evidence

Here is the photographic evidence of the 10 pounds weight gain. Exhibit A- is a picture of me on January 1, 2009, inebriated and dancing my ass off, demonstrating the ever popular "Jazz Hands/Spirit Fingers" yes, the day after New Years- I didn't inspire the Song "My Girl likes to Party all the time" by sitting my ass at home!

Look at my boobs in Exhibit A

Exhibit A

Exhibit B
OMG! Look at my boobs! and my neck! 10 lbs! 10 pooooooooooooooounds!

I rest my case.

Cheaper than Therapy, is responsible for the brazilliantness that is Worth a 1000 Words Thursday!

150- Celebration = Q & A- Fat Chick Style

Oh yeah, by the way, I will no longer call myself Former Fat Chick until I can fit my FAT ASS in to those DAMN jeans...hmmmm, angry much?

Today I am celebrating 150 followers! Yeah-hoo-ah! I have a total of 150 followers! I can't believe it!

So in celebration I have decided to respond to some of your unanswered questions, mostly they have been unanswered because I have been lazy, fat and lazy, lovely qualities...

From news to oldest:


Was the lap band worth it?

HELL TO THE YEAH! Only 2% of people end up like me (with that piece of shit band inside your stomach)


But it could have been fatal?

I am alive and still weigh 90lbs less, if I had died, I would have been a very happy size 10 dead lady. At a size 22 I was unhappy and just as close to death. Unless you have been at least 100lbs overweight (not 10 you skinny ho) you are NOT allowed to judge me. If you are 100lbs overweight and you say you are HAPPY, sorry, you are a liar.



What is a Tahitian Wax?
EX: bikini wax is only the hair that lies directly on the edge of the panty line, tahitian makes the hair look like a little triangle, compared to a little piece of pie, and the brazilian has a landing strip--the playboy is all the hair is gone!



Are you really 21?

Only in my mind...I was actually born in 1972, I am 37, and contrary to popular belief I was not 3 when I had my first Hairy, I was 19.



Do you ever by new shoes and when he sees you wear them for the first time say, But I've had these for like, three years!
No, I buy 2 at a time. I then I tell him I bought them at Payless and it was BOGO! ha-ha I mean really, what the hell does he know!

That's it for now...anymore questions?

Akward! so, so, so akward...

This story doesn't really belong to me, but hey, this is my rule:

If you tell me something and don't specifically tell me not to tell another living soul, then know it's going to be BROADCAST. They haven't called me the Mouth of the South for 12 years for nothing!

***disclaimer, I have to let you know that if you do tell me it's a secret, I am really good and will never tell anyone (except maybe the HUBS)

OK...moving on the the awesome awkwardness....

The other day I saw a post on a Facebook group page form one of my old High School's. It was from girl who's Mom had been a teacher at the school and was asking us if we had any memories of her Mother. You see, her Mother was killed by the DC Sniper years back (horrifying and tragic) and now this young lady had a son who had never met his Granma and he was fascinated with stories about her. She was an amazing woman with an adventurous soul, she was one of my teachers in Guatemala, as well as my Drama coach.

She was divorced when she was my teacher, but told me about one time she had gone to visit her husband at a Military base. She went to the locker room and changed and walked out to the pool, totally strutting her stuff. She was HOT! She said all the guys were looking at her, not one could take their eyes off her! In her mind she said she was sure it was because there were almost no women on the base, but DAMN, she must be looking fine. When she had walked all the way around the huge pool and reached her husband, he quickly whispered in her ear....honey, half your ho-ha is hanging out.

AHHHHHHH! That is one of the worst one's I have heard! Totally Awkward! Also, I was 14 when she told me this story (no, I can't remember where we were or why this came up!) but it was extremely awkward to have a teacher tell you a story about her coochie hanging out. So it was doubly awkward.

Now, this is not the story I will tell her daughter when I relay stories I remember of her Mom. She was a great woman & teacher. I traveled with her to Honduras for Drama Competitions, went with her camping to Mayan Ruins & saw Hailey's comet while being chaperoned by her. She was fun and personable, and in no way a push over as a teacher.

She had re-married, had beat cancer and was expecting a grandchild when she was killed. Her last name had changed and almost 20 years had gone by, but when her faced flashed on CNN with the awful news, I recognized her smile immediately. Many of us (her students) communicated via e-mail that day, all in shock and saddened by the news, over all the consensus was...She was a great lady! Cheers Linda, I think you would have laughed at this post!

Thank you Tova Darling!

Mumu's R Us- HERE I COME!

I have a confession to make....remember those size 8 jeans I bought the week after Christmas, you know the one's I called my Christmas Miracle....well, they DON'T FIT ANYMORE! Why? Because Former Fat Chick, yeah that's me- well, I gained 10 lbs! 10lbs from Christmas 'till now? I am so confused? How did I loose weight from Halloween through Thanksgiving, through Christmas to New Years?! All I did for that entire time was stuff my face AND drink like an EFFing fish!

Here's the deal, my fatal condition, is all to blame. The first week of May I am going under and they are removing my lap band, which has been helping me loose weight consistently for the last 7 years. It has not been working for quite some time now, hence the weight gain.

Even if I were to seek and alternate surgical procedure, I would have to wait 6 months for my tore up stomach to heal, oh yeah and I would have to have $15,000 to spend on it, since my insurance won't even talk about it with my surgeon.

Apparently, are you siting down? No hard stuff around you, 'cause you surely will fall out your chair...um, I am going to HAVE to DIET & EXERCISE! What the FRENCH! Me....yeah, like that shiz is gonna work...maybe I should start asking for money, like that chick who wants a nice wedding and asks for mula, only I will post my before and after pictures and ask people to donate to help me from becoming a BIG FAT Momma again....I have pictures of my fat ass that will make blind men cringe, I am sure I can devise a plan of extorting money for not tourturing people with the cottage cheeseyness of my former saddle bags.

So, I have started eating healthier, and I having started walking my dog (she doesn't know what the hell is going on, she's pretty annoyed I am pushing her out of bed in the am to walk) I only had 3 drinks the WHOLE weekend, but here is the cornerstone of my plan:

I have always gotten rid of clothing the minute they are a little to big, as not to have any "comfortable fat" clothes. So right now, everything is VERY tight. And I have refused to buy any clothes, however i found this dress on-line, and I am going to buy it!

If I gain 1 more pound I am going to have to wear it and I will wear that damn dress every day until I lose some weight and something else fits me...

Here's the dress, what do you think? Will it work? Wanna send me some money?

This dress is all sort of wrong....if you own the same one, OMG, I am sorry I offended you , but you may need a wardrobe makeover. And if you are the women in the picture, I am sorry they made you wear that dress, and I am sorry I am too stupid and lazy to figure out how to black your head out, further humiliating you.

Lana-sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

Part 2-

I wasn't going to leave you all hanging over the weekend, so here is the exciting conclusion too my bikini wax.

I hop up on the table and she starts making me get in all these yoga positions and telling me, OK, you grab here, hold here. I was literally an active participant of my own torture.

This went on for like what seemed an eternity and every time I was just about to pull the plug and say, NO MORE! I would look up at her and she would give me a big smile and 2 thumbs up! OMG, I had to stifle my laughter every time! It was like looking up at Mr. Miagi with a wig and lipstick and then she would say " You doin good, You doin so good!"Always with a HUGE smile on her face. I am sure I caught her enjoying herself, every time I cringed or writhed in pain.

What did she mean I was doing a good job? What was I doing? Beside not crying out in pain, as to not run off the customers just outside the door. Just then my cell phone, which is on the counter rings and she passes it to me.

I just stare at her. I AM NOT one of those people who are cell phone crazy, you know the ones you can hear chatting while they are using a toilet in a public restroom?

Lana: Go ahead, it's Ok, you tlak on the phone.

And since it seems that I doing EVERYTHING this woman tells me to do today, I answer. Of course it's THE HUBS, I mean really, who else calls me 300 times a day (only the boys, when they need $$$ or a ride.)

Me: Hello

HUBS: WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT HAPPENED?! ARE YOU OK?

Apparently just the HELLO had conveyed that I was in EXTREME pain and distress, he has heard that tone of voice a few times, which are always followed by trips to the ER.

Me: I am getting waxed, and it's hurts like a MOFO!

CLICK

He did not call back. He wants nothing to do with that sort of thing, he only likes to reap the benefits.

She finished the waxing and took to me with tweezers making sure she got every stray! By that time, I was sure I was in shock as I felt nothing.

Well, soon enough it was over, she slapped some talcum power on me and sent me on my way. And that my friend is the story of Lana my new wax lady.

* to answer a few questions (I don't want to be too graphic, what if a creepy guy is reading this, EWW~ or worse if the HUBS sees it, he'll just die!)

• I can not shave, it irritates my skin to no degree, so does waxing, but it goes away within hours
• I don't wax EVERYTHING
• I don't even do the Brazilian
• I do the Tahitian (not as drastic) - look it up, cause I am not making a diagram of my privates.

I do have another waxing story, I will post it soon, but it doesn't involve me....it's about a place called THE DUNGEON in South Beach- Toddles chicas-

You HAVE to see this! I command you

My assistant was laughing her ass off when I got back from lunch today. In fact she was laughing so hard, she couldn't tell me what it was about, I got the link via e-mail a minute later.

Woman locked in car calls 911- click here.

The audio for the call is under the article under related links: Audio.

This is just down the street from where I work, really, I am going to start bringing my lunch to work. I mean this woman is obviously too stupid to be operating a motor vehicle. Also, how on earth does the operator not crack up and say "DUMBASS!" at the end of the call... really, that woman has self-control and should get some sort of a medal and a raise.

Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

This may be a two part post, so settle in ladies....

Oh, and if you are a MAN, you have no business reading this, really, unless you are a gay man, and then Honey, you know what I'm talking about when I tell you of my misadventures in body waxing!

I have lived in Orlando for 2 and half years and 'till this day I have not found a really good salon to get waxed at. Let me tell you, Miami is the bikini wax capital of the United States, and there resides the best bikini waxer in the world, Annie at Uni-K Wax. My bond with this woman is strong, for years she took care of me, with patience and her gentle hands. I have my suspicion that the wax at Uni-K was infused with a little bit of lidocaine, because I am telling you it really didn't hurt. How well did Annie know me? When I skipped my appointment and came in a few weeks later, she would tsk, tsk, tsk while yanking at my panties and always say "Poor Jose, poor Jose!" The bitch felt sorry for the HUBS having to sleep with Chewbacca! I would always reply: Shut up Annie, he's lucky to get a piece of this! and then we would both cackle away while she ripped every hair from my body from my waist down....ahhhh, good times.

Then I moved, and well, the area I live in Orlando is predominantly white and waxing does not seem as common as with Hispanic women. My theory is.... well, white women just have a LOT less hair, hence less drastic measures of hair removal are called for, whatever, I can't get a good wax people!

I have tried a whole bunch of places, I even got up and walked out of one place in the middle of the wax (yes, I left lopsided) because the woman clearly had NO idea what she was doing and didn't understand a word of English or Spanish and well, it was just down right dangerous at one point. I mean HELLO, she is wielding a Popsicle stick with burning hot wax at your precious coochie! So I said "move bitch, get out the way, get out the way" pulled my shorts on a walked away.

You all remember my trip to Colorado a few weeks back, well I envisioned my self in a Hot Tub next to the snow, which could only mean one thing- bathing suit, which meant BIKINI WAX TIME.

I made and appointment for a mani/pedi/and a wax with Lana at Sunshine nails, oh Lana, they really should just call her Nurse Ratched and get it over with. She seemed nice enough during the mani, very efficient, hmmmm. We moved on to the giant massage chair for the pedicure. Of course I felt like the Jolly Green Giant flopping my big feet towering over her as I follow her svelte under 5 foot frame to the pedi station. She was like a little porcelain Asian doll, very still while I soaked my feet in the hot water. Then she grabbed my foot and went to town. She was a digger, a poker, and real picker. You all know what I mean. Sometimes you get a pedicure that you think, I could have done that! All they did to you was soak, rub cream on you and paint your toes. BUT sometimes you get a Picker. Oh, they take forever and get up all in there and get the job done, they practically sand your heels to the bone. Awesome, I felt like I was getting my money's worth....so smug, forgetting that this was the woman who was going to wax me.

I waddle back to the wax room, with those rubber things spreading my toes apart, my hands in the air, just in case my nails were still wet. Tiny Lana follows me, carrying my purse and ratty flip flops. She hangs my stuff up and turns to me:

Lana: I undress you, no mess up nails.

OK- nothing like having a complete stranger pull your jeans off, specially when your sober! haha! That was a joke PEOPLE!

Lana: I take you panties, itsa better, that way they no get ruined, they sooooo pretty.

I must say that I have a thing with buying ridiculous lacy panties, I think it stems from having to wear giant cotton tents when I was HUGE. Now I buy ridiculous underwear that really are just for show and should never been worn out your house. If I ever was in an accident and they ripped my clothes of in the ER, they probably would think I was a.) the heir to Fredrick's of Hollywood b.) a fat lingerie model c.) a thieving Victoria's Secret employee.

Me: Um, OK.

Now, if I wasn't the accidental exhibitionist that I am, this probably would have been a big RED flag. But, I was leaving to Colorado in the morning and well, honey, something had to be done to that garden of Eden, it had grown way out of control! I mean really the poor HUBS was paying for a nice vacation, he should get something in return.

Stay tuned for part DEUX of- Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

18 & Life to go...

This has been a crazy busy week for me...

Work

Kids

House

Husband

Dog

add to that acquiring the new bike, PLUS, my oldest some Alex turned 18!

Well, we had to throw a BIG OLE PARTY! He just wanted some pizza and cake for a couple of friends....OH NO, said the MAMA, that just won't do! I birthed you, you have survived to 18, we must celebrate!

So, of course, I planned a big party behind his back, with the help of his girlfriend.

We had MEXICAN FIESTA! And I must say it was awesome! Here are the pics to prove it!

The girlfriend, Alex & Frida

The PASTEL- arriba!

The boy and his MAMACITA!The Friend with the 'stash and the cheapest Mariachis I could find!

It was between a Fiesta Theme or Sponge Bob....

All week we played a game of all the things he could do legally now that he is 18...and some stuff he can get in trouble for:

buy a lottery ticket

buy porn

drink in Canada

go to a strip club

join the Army

Vote!

Sign legal documents

Go to jail (not juvi)

buy cigarettes

get a tattoo

get a piercing

be drafted

get married

This is all we could come up with...any additions?

My husband thinks I'm 5'2.....

My husband has put up one of his motorcycles up for sale...no, not because he wants more room in the garage, (remember he decided to clean it out a while back) not because he has found better use for his money...of course not, he has found a NEW bike.

We have been going back and forth and he found the one he wants, scored a great deal and we are going up to Georgia this weekend to get it.

The bike is a "custom" bike and is designed to seat only one person, however there are foot pegs, so we asked the owner about adding a second seat.

This was his answer: " The bike can accommodate a second passenger, you just need to add a suction seat. However it was designed to accommodate my wife. She is 5"2 and weighs 110lbs."

My husband happily skips in the room and announces: SEE! You can ride the bike!

Me- WHAT?!

HUBS: Yeah, you're about 5'2

Me- NO, I am over 5'6 and I weigh 150lbs!

This is all very good news to me, it means while he is out riding his new bitch, I mean bike, I get some ME TIME!

Time to go to the salon
Time to read a good book
Time to nap
Time to watch trashy TV

Yes, money well spent on a new bike....

Just Yesterday- twice!

Just yesterday, I flashed two old men sitting in my office. I truly thought those awkward days were left in my late teens.

It all started early in the morning when it was 50 degrees outside, I mean really, I laid out at the pool on Saturday and come Monday it was cold again!

The chilly weather prompted me to wear a black a-line mini skirt jumper with a magenta knit mock turtle neck. The jumper is rather short, but was fine as I pulled on a pair of black tights and some black ballet mary jane's. It really is a super cute outfit.

Two older gentleman were sitting in the guest chairs in front of my desk, as we went over a contact that they were signing. They signed, I signed, they gave me a check, I got up to walk across my office and make copies for them.

Well, I have a big leather chair and apparently sliding around in it caused it to cover my big ass in static cling. When I stood up and turned away from them to go to the copier, my dress was stuck mid way around my waist. It took me about four steps to realize and pull it down. Of course I pretended like nothing had happened, but as soon as those two men left I RAN to the bathroom to see just how bad the flash had been.

I checked the stalls they were empty, I back up to see myself in the mirror and pull up my dress to get a look at just how much of a show I had given them. You know how black tights are so DARK by your feet, but then when the fabric is stretched to it's capacity it is very light and see through?

Yeah....they got a good look at my BIG round SUPER white butt under those tights...and I am sorry to say there were no granny panties involved in this incident....just then the bathroom door opens! AHHHHH! I flashed 3 people in one day! Thank Blog it was my assistant and well, the poor thing just doesn't even ask questions anymore. Any theories on the exhibitionist in me?

And as always thanks to TOVA for helping us share!

Blog Girl gone wild

My FAV Scary Mommy (Jill) has gone BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S.....she is giving away a pair of Diamond earring, you heard right DIAMOND (not Diamels)

Here they are.....aren't the loverly?!

Just click here and sign up for your chance to WIN!



Can you imagine you can get a pair of Diamond earrings and you didn't even have to SLEEP with someone! The novelty!

The HUBS

We all complain about our significant others all the time, well, I know I do. But when I think about all the reasons I love the MAN, I try not to think of the obvious ones:

He's a good father

He's a good husband

He 's a good provider

etc, etc, etc

I like to think of the little things, the ones that truly make him endearing to me.

If the man ever knew I was sharing this he would probably KILL me in my sleep.

I love to read, and one of my favorite authors is Amy Tan. Years back, I got him to read on of her books and he liked it! Soon he was reading all of my Amy Tan books. One day as we were laying around in the back patio, I had finished my book and he was still reading Amy Tan, he offered to read out loud to me.

HUBS has a thick accent (he did not learn to speak English 'till he was in his late teens) so he is very self conscious and did this more as an exercise to improve his pronunciation.

So he starts reading and then he starts doing different voices for the different characters in the book. If you have never read Amy Tan, they are all woman, most very old and Asian. So here is my very butch manly man, with his thick Latin accent imitating little old Asian women, well his idea of what little old Asian women sounds like. It was the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life. So funny, I started to convulse with laughter and we both flipped right out of the hammock!

That is how I have managed to stay married to the MAN for 18.5 years!

So here is a video of the HUBS and me tubing in Colorado. It was so much FUN!

Ignore my screaming in the back round, just feast your eyes on the hunk o' hunk of burning love that is THE HUBS.

Meet my Mom

Don't leave your laptop at Granmas.

This was sent to me by my middle sister, it is not phisically my Mom, but, it is SO MY MOM.

Black Hairy Tounge?

My poor assistant has had a horrible rash since I was in Colorado. She has been to 2 docs and is taking all sorts of stuff. Today they gave her some new SUPER strong medicine. She is sitting at her desk reading me the side affects:


headache

stomach cramps

diarrhea

dry mouth

mouth sores

black hairy tongue


WHAT!?! I start choking on my green tea as it drips out my nose, chucking, she has to be making this up. She is a drama queen, like me.


she repeats: Black Hairy Tongue


I am laughing my ass off and this point.


We look it up on the Internet, its for real.


Wikipedia:Black hairy tongue refers to a number of conditions of humans and animals that cause the tongue to become unusually dark and/or hairy in appearance.

Black hairy tongue in humans is a harmless condition caused by a fungus which grows on the top surface of the tongue. It is associated with the elderly, as well as with antibiotic use. It is more commonly seen in tobacco smokers. While black is the most common color associated with the condition other colors are also possible.


Not for the squeamish...here is a picture:





We have decide that if this ever happens to us, we have a suicide pact. Just in case, you know.

WTF?!

Have you all seen this on TMZ? Z-List hottie saves Dog, NAKEY!

Now, listen I have no problemo see that hottie Eric Niles in the buff, and I would crawl on the ice to save my precious child (some freaks insist on calling her a dog) Lulu at the drop of the hat...however, um...I would have left my clothes on!!!

Why?

• it's cold
• your bare skin will be rubbing on the ice
• obviously someone with a camera is there
• and if your a man, well, you might seem a little less "appealing" in the manly area with the cold and all

JUST SAYING!

you HAVE to go over to 3 Boys 1 Mommy, she is the one hooking it up on the WTF-Wednesday

Where are you from?

This is a dreaded question, but I think the time has come in our relationship where, well, you need to know a little bit of my back round, so you can better understand me: Former Fat Chick.

In real life, when someone asks this, a few minutes after meeting me, I sigh, like this: *AHHHHHHHH* real loud and long and sort of obnoxious. Because it' not like the answer is: Pittsburgh, let's move on, it takes like 10 minutes to explain and let's face it, they could give 2 poops.

But, alas, all relationships must move forward, so here is the very complicated explanation.

Both my parents were born in Bolivia.

The immigrated to the States in the early 60's, and became American Citizens. They are both completely bi-lingual (most people think my Dad is a Gringo) but my Mom has a wicked accent (which I was unaware of until my newly wed hubs made fun of it)

My father worked an a translator for the UN in New York, and some how ended up in agricultural development program in Madison, Wisconsin (where the wicked step sisters were born), they quickly moved to Maryland where my Dad commuted to Washington DC for his job with the State Department.

They moved to Mexico- where the Virgin of Guadalupe blessed them with the miracle, after 6 years of trying to conceive non evil daughters -I was born.

Yes, I was born in Mexico- no, I am not Mexican, my father was there for 2 years working, I was granted American citizenship, it's called a birth abroad. No offense Mexico, if I was born in Africa because my Dad worked there, I wouldn't consider my self African.

Back to Silver Springs, Maryland

Off the Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic (2 years)

Back to Silver Springs, MD (pre-k, kinder, 1st & 2nd grade)

San Jose, Costa Rica (1.5 years)

Bogota, Colombia (3.5 years)

Miami, Florida (6 months)

Guatemala City, Guatemala (4 years, 8th- 11th grade)

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic (12th grade, class of 1990)

San Salvador, El Salvador (2 years) *my first son was born here

FYI- San Salvador is a short drive form Guatemala, so that summer, after graduation I kept on going back to Guatemala to hook up with my boyfriend (THE HUBS) and well, we got married on August 31, 1990 (I skipped the champagne toast, if you get my drift)

back to Silver Springs, MD (1.5 years) *my second son was born here- we had to prove to the Family that he hadn't knocked me to get married and get a green card- OK, it's funny now, but my Dad really didn't find it to amusing when I was 20 and had 2 kids. woops!

Miami, Florida (12.5 years) boy, were they LOOOOOOOONG years

Orlando, Florida (just over 2 years) *where my daughter Lulu was brought home, the bestest puppy in the world!

I am an American of Latin American descent, who grew up in States, South America, Central America and the Caribbean....any questions?

Let me answers some that I swear people have asked me over the years, yes ignorant people, but these questions we asked of me the same:

Guatemala? Is that in Africa?

In Colombia, can you just do drugs ALL the time, for free?

Do you live in trees?

Do you have cars?

Are they like, wild animals walking in the streets?

Do you live in a hut?

So you live in Mexico! (no, Guatemala is a WHOLE other country)

Wow, how come your English is so good if your Mexican? (um, I'm and American and live in Guatemala)

Wow, you're really tall and WHITE, I mean for a Mexican. *sigh*

So your from El Salvador and your the nanny for those blond kids? (no, I am their mother)

maybe I'm an exhibitionist...

The more awkward stories I write about, the more I begin to wonder....maybe I am an exhibitionist. Really, there is a pattern here, mostly the pattern is my nakey butt, or other parts. And so, this weeks edition of Former Fat Chick Awkward stories begins.

I was a my girlfriends house next door, well not exactly next door, there was an empty lot between my house and hers. It was Saturday night and we were going out, we would hang out at her house quite often.

1. She lived alone with her Mom (not so much parental supervision)

2. Her Mom was young and cool

3. Her Mom was a Flight Attendant and not home often

4. Her Mom let us use all her stuff: make-up, jewelry, clothes, purses, WIGS!

We must have been drinking because we decided we were going out in blond wigs that night *wooo-hooo* awesome idea. I jumped in the shower, popped out, my GF did my make up and put my wig on....suddenly I was Marilyn Monroe. Just one thing, I had to run home and grab a pair of jeans. I had come over in shorts & a tee and now was all dolled up, and there was no way my thighs and ass were going to fit in my skinny minnie friends jeans.

So this was my logic: I can take my time, find my clothes in the giant pile on the floor and ruin my hair and make up by pulling a t-shirt on and then pulling in off in 2 seconds later when I am home. Or I can run home in my towel and get dressed. We lived on a very dark street, and it had 2 speed bumps, so almost no one ever drove up and down it. Seriously, what's the worst that could happen? What a moronic question.

Well...as I clutched my towel (which was not very large) and ran towards my house, out of the empty lot runs staight into my path, a big fat RAT. It stops dead in it's track, right in front of me. There we stood looking at each other, a face-off. Neither of us move, I run to the right, the rat runs to the right. I run to the left, the rat runs to left. The MOFO wanted to dance! The entire time, I am screaming my head off. I know the cute neighbors (who had already seen my granny panties) across the street will soon come out to see what is going on...so I decide to jump OVER the RAT and make a run for it.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....I jump up and forward towards my house. At that exact same moment the rat had decided that maybe it should run away from me. As my foot landed all I heard was a loud SQUISH...splat. The next thing I heard was the sound of my own screaming and boy was it loud *AAAAAAAAAHHHHH* I had landed on the RAT. In my panic the towel had slipped from one of my hands. The towel was now only covering my front side, as I darted the last 10 feet to my house.

Of course, while all this was going on the our "ride" (i.e. a car full of boys) had pulled up to my GF house and had seen me, covered in a towel and a blond wig, jump around in the street, then suddenly, jump forward, release the towel, give them a BIG OLE MOON, all while screaming and then run into my house. Of course all while being brightly lighten by the car's headlights.

Oh the joy of being a teenager.......humiliation was never so sweet. As always my friends, that was AWKWARD!

And as always thanks to TOVA for helping us share!

weekend, woe is me

My hubs wants to clean out the garage and the master closet this weekend. Now this would not be such a problem...except that he is going to SEE all the shoes.

This is how it will go in the closet...

How many RED shoes does one person need?!

OK, listen, they are not all red. Orange, Red and Pink are three different colors, and then we have:

watermelon suede pumps
lilac mules
cherry red Paten leather peep toes
brick wedge boots
orange tennis shoes
fuchsia flip flops
red loafers
baby pink flats

The list goes on and on...they are all VERY different and VERY necessary.

Then he will move to the garage , and in the cabinets behind the pool cleaner stuff he will find the blue Rubbermaid bin filled with all the shoes that don't fit in my closet! ah!!!

Worth a Thousand Words

I turned 37 last month....that's the bad news....The good news is I got to eat my favorite take out, got a delish chessecake, and lots 'o presents form my boys. Crazy that they are all taller than me, it seems like yesterday I was pulling off the turnpike, busting up a brawl in the back seat and spanking everyone on the side of the rode...wait, that was yesterday! Oh, the joys of boys....

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Little Girls in the 70's

I got this as an e-mail and laughed the whole way through...my additions are in red!



If you were a little girl in the 70's...



You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. - got in trouble for playing doctor with a boy!

You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.- got in trouble for renting it to the neighborhood kids for a nickle around the block.

You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels. -got in trouble for carrying a glass coke bottle while skating, then falling and breaking my wrist and the bottle!

You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (admit it!)- got in trouble for slobbering on the TV when I would kiss Donny as he sang on the Donny and Marie show!

You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island .

You had either a 'bowl cut' or 'pixie', not to mention the 'Dorothy Hamill'. People sometimes thought you were a boy.

You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.

YEAH! You owned a 'Slip-n-Slide', on which you injured yourself on a sprinkler head more than once.

You owned 'Klick-Klacks' and smacked yourself in the face more than once!

Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.

You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.

You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon. -but got speak & spell, educational toys suck!

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits, or the sunshine family. -got in trouble for shaving the Sunshine Families heads.

You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.The swing set tipped over at least once.- never could do a "penny drop!"

You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.- You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole & the buckle) - my husband gave me a red pair a few years back for Christmas, best gift ever!

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Oleson! - got caught calling her a bitch once- got in trouble!

You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink! -nah, held hands for the first time at the movies watching ET.

PONG! ('video tennis' ) was the most remarkable futuristic game you've ever heard of !

Your hairstyle was described as having 'wings' or 'feathers' and you kept it 'pretty' with the comb you kept in your back pocket.

You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic. With the thermos inside some were glass inside and broke the first time you dropped them. - I was so lame, I had a "Waltons" lunch box...who does that to their kid? Mother Former Fat Chick, that's who!

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend. YOU had Star Wars action figures, too! -Never wanted to be Leah, tried to be Han Solo, ended up being Chewbacca, that was the price for playing with the boys!

It was a big event in your household each year when the 'Wizard of Oz' would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!

You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: 'Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy or Leif Garrett?'

You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album. -How about that Disco Duck?

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. - made crosses out of Popsicle sticks after watching "Salem's Lot" on TV.

You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker- got in trouble because my Mom heard me yelling profanities at the DJ for ruining my recording by talking!

You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books. (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.) - and all the sex stuff from "Forever" *groan*

You thought Olivia Newton John's song 'Physical' was about aerobics. ( its not??)

You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.

You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer. -the slutty one with the hair down to her butt!

You drowned yourself in Love's Baby Soft - which was the first 'real' perfume you ever owned. You glopped your lips in Strawberry Roll-on lip-gloss till it almost dripped off. -I NEVER did this, it grossed me out and made me think of those Pig creatures in Star Wars, these guys:

All in all, it seems I got in a lot of trouble in the 70's...well, not half as much as in the 80's!

Celebrity Look-a-like

Since my sister, over a Piece o' Coconut Cake, did it...well, so did I. I am, as you all know her youngest sister, therefore she is like my Guinea pig, she does it first, then I follow.

For example:

Her: oh, you're turning 30, hmmm, soon you'll get spider veins, you're going to need those shots.

Me: huh, yeah right whatever....

Next summer, flipping blue lines on my thighs...

The list could go on and on...

But this does not involve cosmetic surgery, it's much more fun and FREE!

Here are my celebrity look a likes:

We only had one in common, that was Sela Ward- I was surprised by the blondies....

The only one I ever get in person is Catherine Zeta, I get it a lot, which is funny, because when I first saw her, she reminded me of my middle sis.

Well, all in all, not bad at all....no Desmund Tutu in there or Gerard Depardieu- hahahaaaa.

Twilight Awkwardness

I bought myself Twilight as a Christmas gift, knowing it would be a guilty pleasure. It sat on my night stand until last week. I was resisting reading it, mostly because I have an aversion to reading books that are wildly popular (like the Davinci Code, I refuse to read to this day.) Who knows why....just a thing with me.

As I was packing for my trip to Colorado I shoved in my carry on...well, well, well....I read half the book on the way there and finished the rest while on vacation in the Rockies. I had to pretend to go to the bathroom a lot, since the HUBS was getting annoyed with me reading all the time, while he wanted to do other stuff. It was just so GOOD, I didn't want to stop! As we had lunch on Sunday in Denver, I announced " I have to stop at a bookstore and get New Moon" He protested, we are running late, we need to get to the airport, you can buy it there. I looked him in the eye and was very firm "I am NOT getting on that plane, unless I have that book, understand?" He nodded, the man has been trained for almost 19 years, he know when I mean business.

Hudson News, main terminal, all out of New Moon.....hmmmm, Terminal A, not one copy of New Moon, hmmmmmmmmm, I am getting angrier and think of beating him with my boots, which are conveniently in my hand and at the security check point....Terminal B, where we are to get on our plane, NO NEW MOON, I make the lady call all over the airport and they have a copy in Terminal C, YES! Nooooooooooooooo, we have to get to our gate!

"Passengers on the United Flight to Orlando, your flight has been delayed" I jump up and shout "YEAH!" This is not looked upon kindly be other passengers. I grab my purse and run to the tram, cackling the whole way! I score, and now have New Moon in my hands...wait, bonus round...Ben & Jerry's on the way back! I stroll back to gate B-15, new book in hand happily licking my Mint Choco-chip...yummy, the man just looks at me and says his most repeated phrase: "You're Weird."

I ignore him, and start to read, we get on the plane, I keep reading, we take off, WHAT?! NOOOOO, tears start forming in my eyes, they roll down my checks, and I sniffle. OMG, NO!

The HUBS turns and looks at me and says "Are you crying?"

FFC (me): I can't believe he broke up with her!

The HUBS just raises his eyebrows and shakes his head once again repeating his mantra, "You're so weird"

Of course he is a man and talks way too loud so at least 6 other people turned to see me snot nosed, blubbering over how a teen vampire broke up with his cluzty girlfriend *waaaaaaaaaaaa*

That my friends was awkward!

And as always thanks to TOVA for helping us share!

In the Rockies

So, as usual, I am not dead, I was out of town...um, my cell phone didn't work and had no Internet (both of which were a complete surprise!) but I was at 12,000 feet, so what did I expect!

I was in Winter Park Colorado to ski for the first time ever! Yes, my WHOLE body hurts, but No, I did not kill myself....I only fell once (if you don't count getting off the lift, and the times I threw myself down, as to not kill a child on a slope) but I did bump my head and got to ride down on a snowmobile! I will tell that one soon!

Here's a pic of me looking like the Michelin man in my million layers, I grew up in the tropics people, I have no business being in 10 degree weather!

However, all I can say about Colorado is WOW, so gorgeous!

The day my Dad brought home a baby

I am the youngest of 3 girls. By the time I was 12, I was an only child, as both my sisters had gone off to College in the States and we were living in Guatemala at the time. I saw them twice a year, and I liked it that way. Just our little pod, the 3 of us.

One day my father came home with a baby. No phone call, no discussion, showed up at 6pm with a 9 month old little girl in his hands.

She was filthy, wrapped in rags, stinky, she had lice and red splotches all over her body. I always waited for my Dad to get home and greeted him at the door, He looked at me and said "go get your Mom."

I never really thought about this until today, can you imagine your husband of 27 years walking in the door with some random baby! ha-ha it's almost comical!

A very good friend of my father's, Ginny, had been in town from Washington DC on business, she was in her 40's and divorced. They had a conversation about how she would like to adopt a child, possibly in Guatemala, yada, yada, yada. She got on a plane and left.

The day after my father's driver comments that a local woman in the village he lived had tried to give him her baby. This poor woman, had already had 10 children and 6 of them had died before the age of 2 (infant mortality in Guatemala at that time was higher than even Africa) and she could not even afford to feed the baby and was sure this child would die. The driver, was the local hero, as he had been a contract employee for the American Embassy for years and was doing well for himself. However he had 4 kids of his own and had already take 2 babies in, as they were left on his door step.

Something clicked in my Dad's brain and said, take me to this woman's house. His idea was to make contact, check the situation out and then contact Ginny and see what to do. I remember him telling me this like it was yesterday.

"Honey, I never expected it to be as bad as it was" He said it was horrible, the baby sat on the floor, a dirty floor. There was no running water, they had a ditch with sewage feet from where the children were. There were no beds, no walls, you get the idea. She was sick, she was coughing and thin as a rail. He said when he picked her up she smiled and touched his face. That was it. He spoke with the woman, she trusted him, he was Luis (the driver) boss and friend. They told her they would be back with papers, attorneys, etc.

My Mom and I took the baby, bathed her in the sink, wrapped her in towels and sent my Dad to the market to buy everything you need for a baby. I was 13 for goodness sakes, there was nothing for this child in our home to use! We laughed when he got home, he bought tons of stuff in all sizes.

The next morning my Mom took her to the pediatrician, he said she would have not lasted 2 days, she was so ill.

She lived with us for the 9 months it took to process her paperwork, she moved to DC with Ginny when the adoption was complete.

My Mom never even gave my Dad a sideways glance, let alone said "are you nuts!" I never thought how amazing that was, of both of them, at the time I was happy to have a REAL LIVE DOLL!

Cruising while preggers!

Let’s clear this up, I’m a flirt, it’s just my personality. I am not sure Flirt is the right word, I love everyone, I chat everyone up, I am always smiling, and I will introduce myself and strike up a conversation with every light post or telephone pole. But, I am also a flirt.
I was 19 and driving to enroll myself in classes for the next session at the local College, I also happened to be about 8 and half months pregnant.
It’s hard to be preggers, especially when you are 19, you are not supposed to look like you should have a sign saying “CAUTION: wide load” hanging off your ass! So that day as I drove along, in my father’s Jeep Wagoneer, I wasn’t feeling especially pretty. I guess I had missed the fact that in this particular car I was driving, I was only visible from the shoulders up. Well, from the shoulders up, I was a lovely, dark haired 19 year old, and that is exactly what the car full of boys next to me at the red light were looking at. I turned to see them waving at me, smiling and saying “Hey.” I instinctually smiled back, and the coquettishly flipped my hair, waved and drove off. What a rush! Hahahah, I laughed all the way to the Campus.
Feeling empowered and beautiful, I waddled out of the car, up the steps and to the registration office. HUGE line, ugh, I would have to pee in about 3 minutes, my feet were swollen and the pressure on my pelvic bone was killing me…woe is me! Then the door opened and who filed in? The four strapping young men from the light. I turned bright red and sheepishly smiled and did the nerdy half wave; they of course just stood there, frozen with the bottom lips firmly glued to the floor.
There is nothing like killing the sex drive of teenage boys to make you feel good.

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...

Worth A Thousand Words Thursday

This is a picture of my family, my WHOLE family! Left to right....my oldest son, my step daughter, me, the HUBS, my baby, and my step son. My lovely step daughter is going to College in Argentina, so we only get to see her about once a year. My step daughter was 18months old when I married my husband, I changed her diapers many times, and carried her on my hip, up and down and all over town, she was my real live doll. So I may have never had a daughter of my own, I did get to have a beautiful step daughter from my first day of marriage.

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

It's my Birthday Bitches!

Today is my Birthday, and also happens to be, Ash Wednesday, coincidence? I think not, as you all know I am surely on my way to Hell, yeppers, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go Straight to HELL!

Now maybe it is the fact that I am turning 37, because I may joke that I am Forever 21, I wasn't actually born in 1988, yesterday I did the unthinkable, I went to the GYM! Yes, me...the person who lost 100lbs without walking a block, the person who got permission from her therapist to yell at my hubs "I WILL NEVER GO TO THE GYM, SO STOP ASKING WHEN I'M GOING TO GO!" and last but not least the person who truly believes that running should be reserved for the off chance that a maniac killer is chasing you with a BIG knife and jogging for when a zombie or mummy are chasing you as they are markedly slower.

There may be additional factors to this:

• I am going to COLORADO next week and going to try to SKI, and well I am afraid I may DIE, of mostly soreness.
• I had surgery 1 year ago for my arthritic shoulder (yes, arthritis in your 30's) and I still have only about 25% mobility.
• My lap band is no longer working and will be removed as soon as the conditions are right.

So I face my late 30's without my miracle cure...

I usually throw myself a Party, when I was younger I had fantasies about surprise parties, and mariachis at my window, oh well, I decide if you ant to be the belle at the ball, throw it yourself!

This year there is no party as I will be tagging along with the HUBS to a conference in Colorado and then heading to a Ski Resort!

I am sure I will bring back and totally awkward post for y'all!

Thank GOD for Granny panties!

I have come to realize that many of my stories of awkwardness involve people seeing my bare ass. This one in particular was quite embarrassing…and was all my cat’s fault.

We had a cat, he was a wild one, he was part Siamese part wildcat, he was my sister’s for a few years but when she left to college he was mine all mine. He would disappear for a few days if he found a girlfriend and he was always on the hunt. Leaving lovely gifts for me under my bed (mice, birdies) he really loved me, and I adored him. He was getting long in the tooth and we would be moving to another country in a few months, so I was extra careful to keep an eye on him. Now, in unrelated activities, I was 17 and refused to wear pajamas, this drove my extremely proper Mother (a woman who has never been drunk in her life) insane. I had decided to sleep in the nude, well, after a battle royal (if there is an earthquake you’ll run out in the street nude!) I realized she had a point, so the compromise was that I would slumber in a t-shirt and undies.

One night as I was sound asleep I heard my cat SCREAMING, my lord it sounded like he was dying! He was in some sort of brawl with some wild animal, most likely a raccoon or opossum (ewww!) I bolted up and without thinking opened my balcony door (only a few feet off the ground) jumped out, opened the front gate and started running around looking for him…the fight was ragging and sounded worse than ever! That’s when I spotted the cat he ran under the neighbor’s front gate and under their car, he was howling, I was sure he was dying. Without thinking I ran across the street, crawled under the gate (it was on an incline and easy to do) and then got on my hands and knees and tried to reach my cat. He was so scared; I stretched my arms out, trying to coax him to come to me, ass in the air. Now all I have to say was THANK GOD it was the 80’s and I wore some good old fashioned granny panties, none of this thong business was going on back then. The immense ruckus must have awaken the neighbors, let me be more specific, the 17 & 18 year old brothers who lived in that house and their father because they came out with a FLASHLIGHT! There I was, HIGH MOON, spotlight shining on my ass, with my head under their car, in their carport. Well, the damn cat came out, and he was fine, I however, lowered my head every time I saw those boys until the day that we thankfully moved to another country.

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...

And the Oscar goes to...

I love to watch the Oscars, we make popcorn and stuff our faces as we watch all our favorites. Last night had great moments, and a few awkward ones...

By FAR this was the most poignant: Dustin Black Lance

The FUNNIEST...OMG, I rolled OFF the BED: DOMO ARIGATO

I also loved Penelope Cruz speech, she was so adorable! And Kate Winslet, when her Dad whistled so she could see where he was, totally made me cry...I must be PMS'ing, because I tiered up like 6 times during the show *waaaaaaaaaa* I'm so lame.

Now I LOVE ME some Sean Penn, since the first time I saw Bad Boys, in 1983 (I was 11), I loved his speech last night!

But this was by far on the funniest things I have EVER SEEN! I have loved these guys since I fell in love with FREAKS & GEEKS, and I love all their movies- Seth Rogen & James Franco short written by Judd Apatow.

Oh, and if you don't know who Harvey Milk is...click here listen to one of his speeches and my views on equality, he was a great man.

I don't mention the big winner Slum dog Millionaire, mostly because I haven't see it....but congrats!

Mission Acompished?

I am truly obsessed with this woman! So you all know I cut my hair in October, and I have been going shorter and shorter........this was my goal, her hair, I mean, it's not like break in to her house and wear her clothes or anything (not yet)

So what do you think? Mission Accomplished?

Geek Tattoos!

I have nothing against tattoo's. I think some are beautiful, and look nice and go with the person's personality. They are however...permanent, and this is a scary thought. The other day I stumble upon this group on-line...GEEK TATTOOS and I just had to share a few of my favorites:

JON STEWART- I love him too, just not that much!

HELVETICA. WOW, you are really in to that TYPE!

Hello Kitty as Darth Vader...genius, I tell you, Genius!!!

Check out the beauties on this site....

GEEK TATTOOS!

To all the cubs I cannot LOVE, I’m sorry your cougar

This has been going on for quite some time…. I love younger men. I am not interested in older men at all. I think the reason is, well...
1. I am married to a 40 year old SUPER HOTTIE. I mean really, I don’t think I have met another man in my husbands age range that I could consider as hot as the HUBS. Celebrities, yeah sure, but not some guy walking on the street.

2. I am have been married for an eternity (almost 19 years) and well, am obviously going to stay married, and I’m not a cheater, my stomach could never stand the stress of lying and all that stress, I know there is NO WAY I could ever do it. So, that leaves me with “looking” only, which makes it fun. You can really just catch a peek at a hot young guy and giggle.

Now, that Cougars are such a hot topic and simultaneously my boys are almost men, I present to you a list of hotties that I wish I could have cougar fantasies about, but simply cannot! It sucks the big one!

Emile Hirsch- Since I first saw him in the Girl Next Door, I loved him! He is my type, very intense, rough around the edges, little off beat. To top it off he is a fabulous actor, Lords of Dogtown, Alpha Dog, and I swear he will break your heart in “Into the Wild”- and then….someone pointed out he looks like one of the Hairy’s…EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ashton Kutcher- I love this boy…Not my type, but making me laugh, helps me be more attracted to you. Besides have you seen the pictures of him when he modeled for Calvin Klein…OH MY DOG- his abs…look then up so you too can feel dirty…all that went out the window when several people started to stay that he looked like one of the Hairy’s …I think it’s the mouth and the personality is similar to Kelso on That 70’s Show, yeah how scary is that?! I am raising a Kelso!
The Jonas Bros, who remind me a my nephew….as previously noted in this POST.

Well, at least I still have my beloved step son, who thank goodness, no one has pointed out that he looks like a HOTTIE….well except for him!

Girls, let me know...who is your favorite cub?

Worth a Thousand Words

Yes, I was a Cheerleader in High School, no not the cute little thing on the top of the pyramid, no that's not me. I am all the way at the bottom, yea, the one with her head turned the other way....I swear it's me!

The school used to let us wear our Cheer leading Uniforms to school on Game Days, which I loved! The minute I stepped on a the school bus there was a 5th grader (I was a Freshman) that would break into song-

She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin' me out with those American thighs

I didn't know this kid, and always ignored him (I never told him to stop it either!), but let me tell you, 'till this day, I think of those days and it is an INSTANT self esteem boost! I was rockin that mini-skirt with my Thunder thighs!

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

How did you find me?!?

Google KeyWords that get you to my BLOG-

mom is naked -yeah, when you’re not home
crazy mom – yes? How can I help you?
fat girl poop – everyone poops, have you not seen that book?
iris chacon daughter – That would be me!
mom naked – once again, as soon as you guys leave
a look at a naked girl – just a peek!
barney is fat – he’s a fictional character, get over it!
boob optical illusion – they are called “Wonder Bra’s”
draws of a girl nuked – I hope that is a TYPO!
dress up the fat girl – is this a video game?
fat chick with hugeboobs - one of the few advantages to being overweight!
fat girl and bj – I’m married, I do NOT have to do that anymore.
fat girl spank man – how much you going to pay me?
fat girls trying to poop – WHY?!
fat woman doing poo on the street – NO! WHY?
good names for fat girl dogs – they can’t have regular dog names?
hooters + valentines day – every year
hooters i love – yes, I DO!
hooters valentines day – it’s OK, I to understand your love of Hooters!
inside sex inside – hmmmm, not sure about this one.
my sister makes me smell her finger – call child services
pervy girl – I know, I know, but I can’t help it!
poop your fat – please tell me how!
spanking – they always deserved it!
i love big butts –Thank you, your love is much appreciated!

13 and in a new school

I was 13 and starting the 8th grade in a new school. My Father drove me to the new school to register on the first day. He was running late and had no idea that the traffic up the mountain would be so heavy. When we got there, they quickly registered me and walked me down to the gymnasium/auditorium where the whole school was in assembly.

As I was coming down from the main office I walked in to the gym on the second floor and had to walk done a loooooong metal staircase to be able to take a seat with the rest of the students.

I can remember this as it were yesterday. I had just moved from Miami and was all decked out in the latest fashion. I had a big lace bow in my hair (a la Madonna) a long straight cotton skirt, a of the shoulder knit top (a la Flashdance) and pastel colored tank top underneath, and pink suede oxfords that we actually mules. The accessories were the kicker, gummy bracelets, neon wayfarers’, giant plastic earrings, and since I had no school supplies, 1 pen with hot pink feathers on it and 1 retro tin covered notepad, that was a replica of a Rice Crispi’s cereal box, tres chic!

I start to make my descent (I was alone, my Dad stayed in the office filling out paperwork) and the first step I placed on the staircase made a loud “CLANG” as did every step there after. The mules and the metal staircase, not a good combination. Clink, clang, clink, clang, every single head turned and looked up at me. I clutched on to the note book in my hand, my knuckles white. The some wise ass said: Is she coming to school or to have breakfast? TOTALLY AWKWARD!
And the crowd roared: bwa-hahah-hahaha. I turned bright red, reached the bottom and quickly found an empty chair. It wasn’t even 8:30 am yet, the torture had just begun. After the first day, I can say those were the best years of my life, I never had so much fun or got in so much trouble.

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...