Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper
berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight ... let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied 'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
*sent to me by my amazing neighbor Mary : )
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Last week, this all happened, but as I sat on the toilet, the dogs did not show up. Then as I reached for the toilet paper......someone had changed the roll! Someone had been in my bathroom, used the toilet, taken the empty toilet paper roll off the holder, put it in the trash and put a fresh roll of TP on the holder. I froze. I had tossed my purse on my bed and my cell phone was in it. OH.EM.GEE, there was an intruder in my house. I needed to call 911, and didn't have my phone. I covered my mouth and whisper screamed in to my hands....Someone cal 911!
Wait...what? How did I know there was an intruder? Oh, excuse me, you must not have sons or be married to a man....SOMEONE CHANGED THE ROLL OF TP, and it was not me. Just then the dogs barged in to the bathroom, hmmmmm, maybe the intruder had already left. I whispered in Lulu's ear, she's the smart one "go get help girl, GO" As I mouthed GO, she just licked my teeth and wagged her tail. Duke was splayed on the floor licking his empty nut-sack, per usual.
Aw, HELL, I have to do everything in this damn house. I quickly wiped, and armed myself with the plunger, room to room I went, no one was in the house. Nothing was missing, except the entire contents of the pantry, but that is usual around here.
To this day the mystery has not been solved, I like to think it's a Fairy, a toilet roll Fairy. Kind of like the guy who wears inline skates and put quarters in people parking meters....I may never know.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The other day there was a deal that included toothpaste, toothbrushes, mouth wash and you got a FREE Summer Eve personal feminine wash (strange combo.) This is a product I have never used or bought, in fact, I don't even use deodorant *GASP* don't worry I have taken a poll and no one has ever said I smell. It's a genetic thing, my father and one of my sister's don't use it either, and while my sister smells, my Dad does not...ha-ha she does not, but I know she reads this. So I came home with this cuca soap, put it in my shower and instantly forgot about it.
My sons have a perfectly good bathroom, with a fully functioning shower, but are for some reason compelled to use mine. The other day I was in the shower and decided to use the Summer's Eve ocean breeze cuca cleaner, and lo and behold it was empty! Just the same as the empty cereal box is placed back in the pantry- EMPTY!
All day every day, I tell my kids to stop calling each other "DOUCHE" but apparently I have been wrong, because they obviously been walking around smelling like Summer's Eve- what douches!
** If you would like to take part in my scientific poll and come sniff my arm pits, let me know. The compensation? DUH! Smelling my pit!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
- Sex for fat old daddys from turky.com
- Fat Chick
- Former Fat Chick
- Hairy Tongue
- Dirty Chat Roulette
- Fat Ass Mommas
- Side Show Bob
- Tahitian Bikin Wax
- Don Bailey
- Fat Chat Roulette
- Unites States
- Saudia Arabia
- United Kingdom
- State of the Vatican City
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
- drinking vodka & tonic
- being funny
- trimming stinky squirming boy's toe nails
- whacking the right child in the back seat, while driving one handed and never taking my eyes off the road
- applying make up and face painting (for the chilrens) - they are not the same thing!
- Inspecting stinky boys after "baths" (includes but is not limited to: did you use soap? did you scrub with the wash cloth? did you put shampoo in your hair? Come here, let me sniff you)
So back to the topic, I have never made a Pumpkin Pie, imagine my surprise, when my girlfriend sent me this e-mail explaining how exactly Pumpkin Pies are made:
I think we will have Pecan pie at my house this year!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
Remember the show where they gave everyone in the audience a Bra fitting and everyone was wearing the wrong size? Yeah, that. A couple of months ago I had an unused gift card from Dillards, that my middle sister gave me for my Birthday, so nice. I am not a big shopper, for years I worked for Mall Management and it takes a lot to get me in the Mall. After months of the gift card sitting in my wallet, and weeks of feeling like my bra didn't fit right I decided to go to Dillards and get a proper bra fitting.
I walked into the store, found the Lingerie Dept. and found an adorable young lady that had a name tag that said "Are you wearing the right size?" I told her I needed a fitting and we went straight back to the fitting rooms. She asked what size bra are you wearing? My reply? "I've been wearing a 38C for years!" At this point I was fully dressed she looked me right in the eye and said "Ma'am I'll tell you this much, you are NOT a C cup."
She asked me to take my top off and she pulled out her measuring tape, wrapped it around me a few times and announced: Let me pull a few bras and I will be back, let's find your size first and then we will choose what style you like.
OK....I stood there topless in my jeans and sandals in the dressing room, awkwardly starring at my self in a three way mirror under harsh fluorescent lights, thinking to myself- this was NOT a good idea, DAMN you middle sister!
She bounces back in holding a few options and says lets try this first it's a 36F. GASP! WHAT?!? If it wasn't for the fact that I was topless I would have shoved her out of the way and ran out of the dressing room! She saw my face and said "Just try it on, we will work from there" I can see myself right now screaming and running topless through Dillards...hee-hee
I put it on, in a weird way she told me to and it was too big, but really by only a little. Next size, 36 E, Thank goodness, still a little big.
Finally we settled on a 36DDD, even though she insists that the E fit better. I inform her I am on a DIET and I am SURE my boobs will be shrinking very soon, Thank you very much and GOOD DAY!
I leave the store with my super expensive over the shoulder boulder holder- literally boulders, apparently my boobs are so much more GINORMOUS than I even knew. I called all my girlfriends because I was freaking out, to which one of their response was "OH, yeah, Porn Star BABY!" I was not amused.
The rest of the day I was thinking to myself, Damn you Oprah, you were right I was wearing the wrong bra size. But, how could I have been so off? What if I am wearing the wrong shoe size? It would be like trying to squeeze my size 9 feet into a size 6?! I was 3 cup sizes off. NO COMPRENDO.
I challenge you all to go get fit at a Department Store (not that sham of a store Victoria's Secret) and tell me, are you wearing the wrong size? I just really want to know if any of you are even more clueless about your bresticles than I am. Go, now, and get back to me.
Friday, November 18, 2011
- I love you
- Honey, I'm home
- Be back later
- See you later
- Woman, feed me
- Walk the dogs
- Best Mom ever!
- Not even, bro!
- Shut your mouth
- Please stop talking
- Leave me alone
- I'm so hungry
- There's NO food!
- What time's the movie?
- Is it going to rain?
- Mom is this a rash?
- Mom is this ring worm?
- Mom what's wrong with the dog?
- Mom who play that song?
- Honey, do I need to pack a jacket for my trip?
- How do I get there?
- When does Christmas break start?
- How do you spell...
- What is that book...
- Remember that movie, with that guy about that thing....
What do you think the top 3 words used in your home?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Symptoms of Hypothyroidism
- Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
- Coarse, dry hair
- Dry, rough pale skin
- Hair loss
- Cold intolerance (you can't tolerate cold temperatures like those around you)
- Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
- Memory loss
- Abnormal menstrual cycles
- Decreased libido
Thursday, July 28, 2011
- I NEED money! I was never a stay at home Mom (could not afford to be) Never worked to pay off my charge cards or as a "fun" thing to do. I worked because I have always needed the money, still do.
- Being unemployed at the same time I went from having 3 boys at home to only having 1 boy at home is the most depressing thing ever. Suffering empty nest syndrome and unemployment at the same time is shitty. My one remaining son goes to school full time, has a job, works out everyday and has a car, which means I see him twice a month, usually the day before he gets paid and is broke.
- I have started watching HSN & QVC. I am days away from ordering a GenieBra, an ABRocker, and that shit Cindy Crawford uses on her face.
- I can recite word for word every episode of Ice Loves Coco and I seriously love her.
- My husband comes home for lunch every day becasue he wants to make sure I have not gone crazy, got out of bed, and actually took a shower.
- Since I have no children to care for or dot on, I have become unnaturally obsessed with my dogs. Seriously, I am sure if I could breastfeed my puppy, I probably would, and well even I know that is JUST WRONG.
- All I do all day long is EAT.
- As much as I know the job market sucks, blah, blah, blah, sending 100 resumes out and not getting a single call back makes me feel like a BIG Loser, and not in a good way like the stupid weight loss show.
- Sitting at home all day only makes me see how much my house sucks. I need new appliances, need new counter tops, need to remodel my bathroom, etc, etc, etc
- Being unemployed gives me writers block.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
However, this year, I sit at home watching Hoda and Kathie Lee, looking for a new job on-line (yeah, because there ARE tons of jobs out there) and waiting for the Alarm company to show up and install an alarm system, in my recently burglarized home.
I have not blogged in a long time, I have a bad case of the BLAH'S and if you know me, well, sometimes my BLAH's are rather severe.
I will be catching up with you all soon, and telling you all about the horrible, hysterical things that have been going on in my life.
But for today, 3 kings day I leave you with this greeting card that my friend and neighbor Mary (the coolest Senior Citizen I know!) sent me:
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
However, I really do love that man- as much as I threaten to hit him over the head with a HUGE frying pan one day (soon.) He is so sweet and loving. So I decided to tell you 3 things I love about him, so you don't think that I married him for his looks, because we all know the MAN is a DAMN FINE PIECE OF ASS.
- He tries to keep the lights and noise to a minimum when he goes to work every morning (early) so Lulu and I can sleep as long as we like. He makes sure we are tucked in before he leaves.
- On cold mornings, he runs the space heater in the bathroom, so that when I wake up and get in the shower the bathroom is nice and toasty.
- He sincerely loves my butt, is enthralled by it, mesmerized- no mater HOW BIG it gets.
You may ask yourself, why does he LOVE her? Because- Mama let's him have his toys.
Mama also has a great insurance policy on him, since the man rides sans helmet.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
No, but really I met a Super hot Asian woman! On Friday, I went to this Woman's group that focuses on connecting professional, ambitious, influential women. I totally had them fooled thinking I was one of them- you know professional, influential, yeah right!!
Moving along, while there I meet this woman- she looks like that Judge on the dancing show, this one:
I mean she is just adorable. Wait- we talk, she is hilarious- a few more minutes and she moves from the 1 glass of white wine that came with lunch- sits at the bar and orders a Martini- I think I blacked out for a minute- that she is a vodka LOVER, like me! Get this: she is a plastic surgeon. Really, a very smart, reputable, semi famous Plastic Surgeon.
She is married to a plastic surgeon as well, and they love dogs. I may become a TV produce next week and pitch them as a new reality show- no really, finally I could get MY 15 minutes of fame.
You know what she says to me?"People ask me if I am a nail tech all the time!"and busts out laughing-this is how funny she is.
My sister knows her, so when I get home my sis and I chat about the luncheon and how awesome it was (she was not able to go, well, because she sucks and would not drive up from Miami) She finally asks: So, did you meet Dr. Liu (not her real name.)
My response? OH MY GOD! I love her, if I was one of those aliens form that movie about POD People (Invasion of the Body Snatchers), I would TOTALLY choose HER to take over her human body!
Yeah- took it a little into the weird zone there.
Wait, just had an idea- maybe we could do a Reality TV show, where her husband and she just basically operate on me from head to toe- so much so that not even the HUBS would recognize me!
If any of you readers know MY doctor Liu, you better not steal this show idea form me!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Today was Senior Toga day and I sent my baby off to school looking like this
Welcome to the Toga GUN SHOW bitches!
All HAIL to the King!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The school secretary stood at the door whispering to my teacher, there were a few words exchanged and some nods. I was told to collect all my things; I was going home for the day. As I walked down the hall with this grown up I hardly knew, there was silence, I was too afraid to ask what was going on. My assumption was I was in trouble, but as the consummate bad seed and ring leader, there was a myriad of deeds left undiscovered for which I could be in trouble for. I knew enough to keep my mouth shut.
When she saw I was not going to ask any questions, she simply stated: A driver has been sent to take you home; your sister will be going with you. I walked to the bottom of the hill where the car would be, just outside the gates of the school. My sister and her best friend were both there waiting for the car. They were in the 9th grade and infinitely cooler than anyone I knew. My sister’s book bag was on the floor between her blue Nike tennis shoes, and her friends arm was wrapped around her shoulder. Their heads were resting on each other and when I came near and they turned towards me, their eyes were red and damp; they had been crying. I knew it was really bad, and perhaps I was not in trouble at all. Only my sister and I got in the car, her friend stayed behind and waved to us as we disappeared down the steep hill, the only thing my sister said was that Mom and Dad would talk to me when we got home. I don’t remember much else, only my parents sitting all three of us down on their bed and telling us Mom had a brain tumor. They did not know if it was benign or malignant or if they could remove it, blah,blah blah…a whole bunch of stuff that went over a kid who was still in Elementary school’s head. They were leaving to New York tomorrow, relatives would be taking turns coming to stay with us, and Mom’s friends would keep an eye on us. They had no idea how long they would be gone.
Of course, my Mother needed to get her hair done that afternoon because she was going to ride an airplane the next day (I know, insane.) She let me tag along to the Salon, I sat on the chair next to her while they cut, set, dried, teased and combed out her hair. During that whole time she talked non-stop to her hair dresser, as he lovingly listened, and that’s how I learned to the whole story of my mother’s tumor. He wore tight jeans and Italian loafers with no socks, his hair was shoulder length and look so soft, it would bounce when he would nod his head in agreement with my Mother, I knew if I inhaled while he did this, I might get a whiff of his hair. I felt like an intruder in an intimate ritual my mother was having with her gay hair dresser. I tried hard to sit still and be quite, lest they remember I was sitting there and banish me to the lobby with the HOLA (Spain’s Hello) Magazines that were yellowed with age and spoke of European royalty that were non-existent in my life.
Both my sister’s were in high school and I was sure they were given a lot more information than I was and as the baby of the family you get used to being “protected” from certain truths. A common complaint amount the youngest children in a family. The other day I was thinking of this and had the sudden realization that perhaps my Mother understood that I needed to know what was going on with her and this was her roundabout way of letting me in on the big secrets of her sickness.
to be continued....the poor Granma's who had to stay with us, menopause should NOT feel like a brain tumor and how I learned to drive at 11.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I like Oprah, I got the magazine for a year and then drove my self crazy trying to do all the crap in it, like Bikram Yoga (yeah, that was moronic of me) any who....
If I happen to be home, I'll watch it, but it's not like I am crazy about the show.
The HUBS on the other hand can't stand the show. It's not so much that he hates Oprah, he thinks she's OK, it's the women in the audience he can't stand.
He told me one day he was watching it and she gave something away and the women went APE SHIT! Crying, screaming, jumping up and down, hugging each other. It really freaked him out. He said it was like mass hysteria. He has always been afraid of women in groups of 5 or more. He says women have been in grained to be repressed their whole lives, so when they get in a pack (even worse if alcohol is involved) they got NUTSO! I usually ignore these theories of his.
By the way, he was not talking about the time she gave a car away, he admitted he would have wet himself if he had been in the audience. He said it was like a Ipod or some crap that mostly people already have, in no way life altering.
In honor of the HUBS, his awesomeness and our 20th wedding anniversary which was 2 weeks ago and I didn't even get him a card (yet he still got me 1 and FLOWERS.) I present to you this awesome BLOG of moslty crazy women (I use this term crazy, lovingly since I am the Queen of all crazies)
Faces of the Last Season of Oprah
Enjoy babies, enjoy...