Thursday, August 28, 2008

Perfect Life, Second Wife?

I have been suffering from a wicked case of insomnia, 3 or 4 times a week, I have been getting about 3 hours of sleep a night. I suppose if I got up out of bed and did something productive, it would not be so bad, but I basically lie there and try not to choke my husband with his open mouth breathing…when he actually rolls over and points his open mouth breathing toward the wall and not me, this is what I think of…..
What would my perfect life be like? If I could have a perfect day, what would it be like?
In the morning and adorable gay man would come to my house and lovingly get me out of bed and drive me go to the gym, while we are on the treadmill we would gossip about all the latest celebrity rags and websites, then talk fashion, movies, TV, all the good stuff.
He would then drive me home, and while I showered he would pick my clothing and make me a delish and healthy breakfast. After breakfast, he would blow out my hair, and send me off to work. I could drive myself. He would stay home and clean my mouse, decorate, place fresh flowers in all the right places and then meet me at my office with a fabulous lunch, then he would mosey back home and plan a diner that was spectacular, when I arrived home at 6pm, he would be waiting with a cocktail and my bath drawn. He would always be ready to go out to the best restaurants, bars or to go out dancing every night.
I failed to mention he is an expert masseuse, hair and nail technician, make-up artist, wardrobe stylist, tailor, bar tender, pharmacist, interior decorator, chef, adorable, hilarious, and completely selfless!
After all this I thought: where is my husband in this picture? Where are my kids? What about my doggie? Whatever, the gay man sounds PERFECT! Wait….if I allow my husband to bring a concubine from Asia could I accomplish all this, plus make my husband happy??? What if we become Mormon and get a second wife?? Would I have to have more kids? Hmmmmm…I may have to re-evaluate this scenario!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Turning 21...

Yesterday was my step-son's 21st Birthday, we gave him a surf board and went to The Melting Pot, where we proceeded to eat like the BIG PIGS we are. I am sure the romantical couples were thrilled with all loud talking, laughing, fart jokes, and other inappropriateness coming from the 4 men and me! My step son was 3 years and 6 days old when I married his father. I was, by the way, 18 years and six months old. Contrary to popular belief, I am now 36, shocking but true, I am NOT 21...well, this is my philosophy: If I can fit in the clothes they sell at "Forever 21" than God Dammit, I AM FOREVER 21!!!
I digress......He was a sweet kid, one day we watched some Disney movie, Snow White, Cinderella or such and that night as I put him to sleep he gave me a kiss and a hug and squeezed me really tight. He was very worried and asked, more like pleaded: "Right your not my Stepmother" Without thinking I answered, of course I am....he cried "nooooooooooooo, all stepmother's are evil"
Disney sucks! Now of course he is big, and smelly and the hairiest of them all, in fact he looks just like Side Show Bob from the Simpson's! SEE!!!

He's the one in green... Well, at least he's still sweet.

Friday, August 22, 2008

My pervy co-worker, Smell my Finger

Back to the all girls Catholic school, which is where I met SuperGF, we worked together, shared a love of gossip rags and celebrity bashing websites, and quickly became as the girls called us : BFF's. On a serious note, she is the sweetest, most adorable and best listner in the WORLD, granted she is a mental health professional, so it's kind of her job :) I don't think I had ever told anyone else as many of my truly crazy thoughts than to her, and never once did I feel judged. Except that one time I told her I couldn't eat eggs(which I love), because they made me think I was eating chicken abortions when I bit the yolk and made me want to hurl, that time she kind of laughed.

The day before Thanksgiving break, which we thought we had off, but thanks to some hurricane make up day was made a teacher work day, the head Nun made us come in for an 8 hour seminar. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the head nun, she kicks ass and is my idol, but 8 hrs listening to some speaker about something that in no way applies to me was a tad bit boring. After lunch when I was really getting antsy, I started taking off my jewelry and cleaning it with a little cloth I had in my purse. When I took off my wedding band (which is very wide, and I never take off) I noticed my finger smelled....gross. So I lean over to my SuperGF and told her "ewww, I took off my ring and my finger stinks, because I never take my rings off." She then removes her rings, brings her hand towards her face and in the most PERVY way EVER takes a big slow, deep whiff of her finger and totally makes a "O" face, and moans a little. I wanted to bust my seems laughing, but since I was in a room with clergy, was forced to silence my laugh, which made me convulse violently...the next thing I remember was the head Nun's hand on my shoulder "are you alright, dear?" How does it feel to be called out for lauging in class by a Nun, when you're in your mid 30's? Embarrasing and hilarious.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Evil Step Sisters

Hey people, there are 3 stories that truly capture the evilness of the step sisters. OK, they are my real sisters, and they are no longer evil, they must have been exchanged by Aliens at some point too, because now they are nice. I will only release one sad story at a time, because I am sure, if I tell you them all at once, the evil step sisters might get death threats and such. Of course, there is no recollection whatsoever of any of the stories I am about to share, except for me, the affected party. The sisters have selective memory and the parents deny. I am the baby, they are 6 & 7 years older than I am, and well, we all know the baby is always the favorite, dare I say that's why they were not nice.

I think I was 6 years old, my parents went out to some party and left my oldest sister in charge. No sooner had they left, the evils decide to tell me that I was adopted. Not regular "you're adopted" mean stuff you tell your little sister, no, your Mom is......"doot-do-roo" (that's suspenseful music) Pepper! Pepper? Yes, the springer spaniel, our pet is your real mother. WTF? Well, of course my response was "na-uh, am not" These are a list of the facts that were presented to me by the evils:
  • Mom and Dad found Pepper on the side of the road and brought her home
  • weeks later you were born, a strange creature, but the cleaned you up and decided to raise as there own, sisnce they thought you were cute & since they felt sorry for you
  • They were done having kids, why would they wait 6 years to have another baby?

and last but no least the HARD evidence...they brought out all the picture albums, and apparently my Dad must have got Pepper around the time I was born, because they showed me picture after picture of Mom, Dad and the two evils, then....all of a sudden in every picture was Mom, Dad, the two evil, me and the damn dog! I was 6 and obviously gullible. So I was promptly kicked out of the TV room and told to go be with my Mom!

When my parents came home late that night and asked my sister's where I was and everyone had to look for me, I was with Pepper in the dog house fast asleep. I vividly remember crying and telling the dog "waaaaa, you're the only one who loves me, I always knew you were my mommy, waaaaaaa" the dog licking the tears on my cheeks...What can I say I was a huge drama queen!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Can we put Daddy in a nursing home?

My oldest started his Senior year yesterday, which means we are sweating the SAT's, college apps and all that stuff. It reminded me of a very funny story. A couple of years ago when he was in 9th grade, we started emphasizing the importance of excelling in High School, since colleges would be looking at the grades (yeah, like that worked) My youngest son was always just quietly listening (he was in 7th grade at the time) One day we were in the Mall, just the youngest and me and and he was holding my hand and turns to me and says: "Mommy, when Alex goes to college, I think we should send Daddy to a nursing home and you and I can move into an Apartment" It sounded like a great plan to me, but then I asked "What about Dakota?" (our 100 lbs black lab/great dane mix) His response: he'll be dead by then. Hmmmm, yeah Honey, but Daddy will only be 40 years old when Alex goes to College. My baby had a quick comeback to that one: "Yeah I know, he'll be super old!"

Well, I have one year to figure out how to get my husband into a nursing home, me and Stevie are moving into an apartment!!!!
*bwahahaha* I was going to paste a picture of my husband's head over that old man's, but I know he will have a SHIT-FIT, he doesn't even know the blogs exists!!! hahaha

Friday, August 15, 2008

My Boss...

I got this in an e-mail from my boss the other day.....What do you think? Does he know I surfs the Internet, does he know I have a blog, does he know I am the Facebook QUEEN or does he just think it is funny and wants to share? Is it a warning.......hmmmmm???
What do you think?
Thankfully, my Boss is married to my big sis, and they have an adorable peanut of a daughter, and those 2 chicks really like me! SAFE! *bwahahahaaa*

My very first Stalker!

As I had mentioned before, someone was nutty enough to give me a job at a very exclusive, very shi-shi, all girls Catholic High School. I needed a break from my career and needed to spend more time with my kids. It is the most beautiful campus on the planet and an architectural jewel. The girls are very privileged, and discarding a few bad apples, lovely, intelligent, sweet little girls, trapped in woman's bodies. Of all of them, Little Miss was a trip, crazy, non-stop goofy kid. She started hanging around my office, making jokes, asking a lot of questions, some very personal. She had a funny friend and they were nutty, hiding in my closet, then when I figured it out, hiding on top of a cabinet in my closet, leaving a skeleton on my chair, all full of hi jinks.

She met my little hairy one and they volunteered together at a summer camp on our campus, while I worked. Boy was he smitten, and she thought he was a sweet little boy, always teasing him and egging his crush along.

Summer came and went and in the new school year, when I was not in my office, Little Miss took to sitting at my desk and pretending she was me, she'd buzz my boss on the intercom, leave me sticky notes, etc...well, she apparently e-mailed herself a picture from my computer. This is what was e-mailed back to me:

This used to be a picture of my 2 hairy sons (pre-long hair) and their beautiful Mama, now it's her head on my body, with my baby and she titled it: me & my future husband! Who knows, one day Little Miss could be my daughter-in-law! ha-ha

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Mind your own Business or Why men should never speak

Hey! So this is a quickie (I like those!opps TMI) When I was at my heaviest I was desperate to lose weight and was often coming up with crazy plans on how I was going to get skinny. This plan involved getting my father-in-law, who is an MD to buy me diet pills in Guatemala and send them to me in Miami. Well, these were hard core diet pills, I'm talking, dry mouth, tight jaw, speed talk, no sleep, extra peppy pills! Yeah, well, I was still a wee bit hungry so, I had the brilliant idea to start smoking again (genius) and then indulge in Cuban Coffee (espresso, with a pound of sugar and extra caffeine)...well, suffice to say I almost ended up in the hospital! I was all shades of green, nauseous, and heart pounding! Plan didn't work and only lasted 3 days.

Before I almost died, I was in the interior garden of the office complex where I worked, smoking a ciggy when a random, older man walks up to me and says in Spanish (everyone speaks Spanish in Miami, they won't let you live there until you learn) he goes "Eso le hace dano al bebe" and scowls at me...translation: "That hurts the baby" I was confused, huh? I wasn't with my kids...and then it hit me: OH NO HE DIDN'T!!! That Mother F'er just called me pregnant, bad pregnant smoking LADY!!! He was about 1/2 a block away when I realized this.

What did I do? Did I cry? Did I run to the bathroom in shame, no sirree...I chased him down, I was nimble for 1/4 of a TON! I caught up with him and told him " I *gasp*AM *gasp* NOT *gasp*PREGNANT, and why don't you mind your own business!" (I swear that's the most I have run in 20 years! Except when I chase the hairy ones with a broom or a wooden spoon, or my shoe) I did this in angry Spanish, it must have been very intimidating, he was a small little man, and well, I am sort of an AMAZON and was very in his face. I turned around, said nothing and returned to my office. I am sure that man learned a lesson that day...

  • never assume a woman is pregnant

  • mind your own damn business

  • don't mess with a FAT chick on a diet!

These men need to be schooled! Toodles!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It's a F'ing Miracle!!!

OK, I know I said I was going to write about all those zany stories, and I am sure you are all on the edge of your seats just waiting for them....but I was literally touched by the hand of GOD today, in of all places; Burlington Coat Factory...yes, strange but true. I have always been a bargain shopper, and yes, I am cheap, and almost always proud of it, which mortifies my husband, who once said "Do you have to tell EVERYONE your jacket cost you $4.99" well, duh...HELL to the YES!

But, I digress...I took the two hairy ones back to school shopping today, and because I am cheap and they want name brands that means: Ross, Marshall's or bottom of the barrel: Burlington Coat Factory. So, it is pretty much in the ghetto, and you better get out of the parking lot before dark, but the bargain are fabulous.

The Shaggy Do and Saggy Don't go tons of very cute skater clothes, and I of course floated to the women's area...all dress were 40% off...hmmmm, interesting.....

And there it was, angels singing *aaaaaa* in the back round, and absolutely adorable dress: Tahari, nice, red slash, red slash, plus 40% off $16.89...wait, for it, wait for it; SIZE 6.

Yes, I fit in it!!!!Oh MY DOG!

So what if it's tight, specially around the BUTT, please, do you know how many years of rice and beans are in the padding of this ass of mine? I may look white on the outside, but I have an "arroz con pollo" ass. No worries, I still have panty girdles and dammit I will wear that size 6 dress to work to come!
So, I'm wearing the dress, with the spandex panty girdle (the one's that look like bicycle shorts) on, looks good, but I can't bend over or you can see those ATTRACTIVE, SEXY, HOT grandma panty girdle! ha-ha
Now, here is the proof: a size 6...could it be vanity sizing? That sucks...

Monday, August 11, 2008

Getting to know me...

So I was going to start publishing all my crazy stories right off the bat, but then I had a moment of clarity and realized that people who don't really know me very well, might be reading this....hmmmm. So, I have decided to let you all get to know me, and love me for sure, before I unleash my adventures on you...mostly because I in vision these possible out comes if I don't:

  1. You will never return to this blog

  2. You might call family services for something I did 10 years ago, when my kids were THE DEVIL (that is not an exaggeration)

  3. Men in white suits are very likely to show up at my door

So, here goes me in a nutshell (a big ass nutshell)....I grew up in all over Latin America, home based in Washington DC, and grew up multi-culturally,with my Mom and Dad and my two big sisters (I AM the BABY!) I married my leather jacket wearing, motorcycle driving boyfriend when I was 18 and had two devil spawns: Alex & Stevie, before I could legally drink. I can say this now that they are 17 & 16, because I KNOW for a fact that they were abducted by Aliens and replaced with nice boys somewhere around 2000, maybe it was related to that whole Y2K thing! My husband (who I am still married to, yes the same one for 18 years) worked nights, I worked days and then was left alone with those 2 (Alex & Stevie) they made me cry at least once a week, mostly after going to the Supermarket. My husband has had a regular job for years and I was gifted by those aliens with good kids, so life is much better....

I already had a mental list of all the hilarious blogs I was gong to write, but it's either my ADHD or short term memory loss at 36, but I have forgotten about half of them! Here's a list of some of my zany stories coming up (in no particular or chronological order), so stay tuned:

  • Why 2 people both with ADHD should never reproduce

  • How not to tell your Dad your knocked up at 18

  • The nightmares I don't even tell my therapist about

  • Someone gave ME a job at an all girl's Catholic High School, DOH!

  • Why men should never speak, unless they are Gay
  • I tought I was Cinderlla, mostly becasue my sisters WERE the evil step sisters!

  • I actually blacked out getting a brazillian coochie wax

  • What to do when your kid says"your butt does NOT fit in those jeans" in the middle of the store
There are so many more, many more "good times" to come! Here's a recent pic of me and my men :) see you soon!

Before and After

I have always been obsessed with before and after pictures...if my life was a novel this would be called: foreshadow. On the left is a picture of me on my 12th wedding anniversary, 8/31/2002, I'm the one in pink, and NO I was not pregnant! To the right is a picture taken of me on 5/25/2008, the skinny chick in the white t-shirt is actually my son Stevie who refuses to cut his hair. I'm the hot one in the bikini...yes BIKINI! How did I get there? By there I mean 250lbs....hmmm.....unhappiness, lots of pie, two kids in 3 years, lots of burgers, insecurity, plenty of milkshakes, loneliness, boxes of doughnuts, yo-yo dieting, pizza and sodas galore, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutri System, Cabbage Diet, Atkins, LA Weight Loss, diet pills, everything was a disaster. Mostly a refusal to accept any sort of responsibility for my own happiness and or grief...of course, you can not mention this to my husband, because as far as he knows he is responsible for all my woes, and this works out great for me, guilt is mighty powerful! ha-ha, no really, thanks to counseling and the amazing gastric lap band, I have lost 100lbs in 6 years, it came off little by little and I went from a size 22 to a size 8. I DO NOT exercise, mostly because it's yucky, and I don't sweat, so I am truly afraid I could explode. Things were pretty saggy after a while, so I must admit that I had nips and tucks, some lifts and a lot of suck...ha-ha, plastic surgery is fun and funny! I am having the time of my life, making new friends and wearing a bikini for the first time in my life, I hope to share my misadventures with you guys and make even more friends. At 36 my new motto is: it's my time bitches~ watch yourselves! ha-ha My husband just rolls his eyes when I say this, he is an expert eye roller, what is he a 13 year old girl?