Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Father's Day

Since all of you already know that I am the WORLD'S BEST WIFE....I thought I would share with you just one more reason why this statement is so utterly true.

This is what I got the hunk a hunk a HUBS for Father's Day:

In Nacho Libre's immortal words:

"When you are a man... Sometimes you wear stretchy pants... In your room... For fun."

And because when you go out, Honey, you never know when you are going to have to THROW DOWN, specially when you are with a hot piece of "arroz con pollo, with some black beans" ASS like Former Fat Chick. I mean really what am I supposed to do with all this junk, all this junk inside my trunk?

Well, I will tell you what, drag it to Pilate's 2 times a week and make it walk around the block the other days, because those 10 lbs are NOT going away...

Whatever, the HUBS is Hot as ever in his size 32 Chuck Norris Jeans....I will have to tell you all one day what a bad ass he is...

Monday, June 29, 2009

We have a WIENER~ I mean Winner!

For my first and fabulous giveaway, click here to see what the helz I am talking about, the winner is HOOTSGIRL!

I used True Random Number generator as very cool little tool! It was not as easy as I thought because I had to count up the people who had linked back, then the comments and then the new members...Giveaways are complicated y'all!

Congrats HOOTSGIRL! Go to Gena's site and pick the luverly print you want and then e-mail me! I am so excited!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Shits and Giggles

I am probably pool side in a GIANT one piece right now, drinking some good ole Smirnoff Ice and floating in a pool...ahhhhhh

For those of you stuck at a computer on a Saturday, this post is for you, just a little funny I saw on-line...

I hope this guy NEVER comes near me...because if those things he lists make him sick...AWWW HELL... the dude will just keel over the moment he is with in 10 feet of me.

So for shits and giggles let me count how sick I make him...hmmm

  1. sex

  2. rock music

  3. drugs (once in High School)

  4. money lover

  5. rebellious woman

  6. people that watch TV more than study the Bible

  7. people that talk to pets more than God

  8. party animals

  9. computer freak

  10. roman catholic (married one and baptized my kids)

  11. effeminate culture (I told you I was prissy)

The rest apply to most everyone I know and love, oh, except for Racist, I happen not to know or love any racists. They MAKE ME SICK, racists, so on that we do agree Mr. Sick Guy.

What the HELL is a Fox Hole Religion, and Ankle bitters? Does he mean little kids, cause they piss me off too...

Friday, June 26, 2009

Bathing Suit vs Body Bag

When my mother was a young girl, she was sent to boarding school in Buenos Aires (Argentina.) It was a school run by nuns and they sent a long list of things she would need to bring. I am not sure what year this was, but I would say around 1952. The list had items such as 6 pairs of underwear, 5 pairs black tights, etc. One of the items was a bathing suit, so my mother and Grandmother packed my mother's one piece in to the luggage and thought nothing of it.
Upon arrival the boarding school was a tad more strict than she had imagined. There were no mirrors, it was sinful to admire oneself, she was instructed on the proper way to undress and dress. The lights were to be off when this was done and she was to either close her eyes or advert her gaze as not to see herself naked. The logic was , if you saw or self nude or admired yourself, well that could lead to touching yourself, etc. This is where the "bathing suit" comes in. When they requested a bathing suit, it wasn't to go to the pool or the beach, as my mother had imagined. No, their "bathing suit" was a body bag with holes for you arms and head. You put it on and then go it the shower. You would get soaking wet and then bring your arms in and lather up with soap under the sack. Then rinse off thought the sack! All this so you would not see your self naked. I mean really, at 13, did you think you had a banging body and want to be all looking at it?!

Boy how things have changed! The Joker (my youngest son) has a friend that got her navel pierced as her graduation gift from MIDDLE School...and the older hairy has a few girlfriends that got tattoos on their 18th b-day!

Speaking of bathing suits, remember how I said that I was going to wear my blue bikini, THIS ONE, no matter what, even though I have gained 10 pounds, well I LIED.

Tomorrow I have a pool party, with some young hot bitches and this is what I have decided to wear.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Giveaway...hurry, last CHANCE!

I have almost 200 followers...I know, I can hardly believe it! The first post was on 8/11/2008 and this is my 180th post! Wow, I feel loved and appreciated by you all. So to give a little back, I am doing my first giveaway. And you know me, I don't go small, I am a firm believe that MORE is MORE (not less, silly.)

I'm not giving away some recycled gift or some cookbook or dish rag..haha, I don't even know why I thought of those random things...I'm giving away Lulu's first born *ahhhhhhh* are you crazy? All the dogie babies she has are MINE, ALL MINE (you can't tell hubs that one either!)

No, I am giving away an authentic print, signed by the artist herself Ms. Gena Semenov . At first I was going to pick my favorite, but then I thought what better than have the winner pick his or her favorite! There are so many to choose from! and seriously, I LOVE them all! Check them out, I know you will love them too!

As you know I have commissioned my very own portrait (with my canine soul mate Lulu) and I can't wait to share the final painting with you all....but the more I look at these gorgeous works of art the more I want to share with you all.

So here are the rules! ANYTHING GOES, just kidding.

You must follow me (everywhere, even when I'm drunk at a bar and might need help in the restroom!) ha-ha

follow me= 1 entry

You must leave me a comment, on this post (because you all know I am such a hooker for comments)

comment = 1 entry

If you are blogging biotch like me then you can write about how amazing, awesome, totally gorgeous and ridiculously intelligent I am, or just tell them to come win some fabu free stuff, whateve, on your blog and link back to this post.

blog w/ link back = 5 entries
Good luck babies, winner will be announced on Friday June 26th!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Forever Akward

The names have been omitted to protect the innocent.

One of my friends used to be in the movie business and worked all crazy hours for days on end. It was sort of feast or famine. She might work 6 days straight, 16 hour days shoots, etc and then not work for a month.

She was a single girl in a small apartment with no laundry in her place. Which meant lugging her clothes to the laundry mat and wasting 1/2 a day doing laundry. During one of her crazy work schedules, she had not been off in a very long time and had not done laundry in weeks.

It was her first Sunday off in what seemded to be eons and instead of going to do laundry she accepted a date with a Uber hot guy to go to a fabulous Mimosa brunch.

She donned a cute summer dress and strappy heals, opting to NOT go commando, which we all know is NEVER a good idea, she wore the LAST pair of clean panties in her drawer.

They were her BITCHES. You know what I mean, those ratty old granny panties that should have been thrown out years ago. They have holes, are faded and the elastic is shot to hell. Yeah, girls, those panties are your bitches.

All was fine and dandy, Brunch was amazing, she politely excused herself to go to the ladies room to powder her nose. On the long walk back, she caught her date's eye and gave him a coquettish hair flip and a big smile. Just then she felt the panties slipping, falling, slithering down, that flirty walk of hers, that extra UMPHF she put in her hip sway for the date had been too much for the BITCHES, the slid right down. There she was standing in the restaurant with her granny panties in a pile on the floor, right between her strappy sandals.

What is a girl to do. Well, step out of them, pick them up, stuff then in your purse and pretend like those 30 seconds NEVER HAPPENED.

Good to be back with TOVA for Totally Awkward Tuesdays!

That was their first and last date.

The moral of the story? Treat your panties like your bitch and they may exact revenge when you least expect it!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Monday Mourning

Why can't weekends last forever?
I have a new plan, now that my youngest is a Junior in High School I have decided I want to be a STAY AT HOME MOM, just saying, that's my plan.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Tramp Stamps Galore

I want a tattoo, really, a cute retro tattoo, 2 cherries and a stem on my foot, up near my ankle. Of course the HUBS is DEAD set against it. I think it will be so cute, but in his head this is what he sees:
I have seen lovely tattoos on lovely girls, but posting about that just wouldn't be me. So to satisfy the inner bitch in me, here are some classically bad TRAMP STAMPS! Hope none of them are your sister, or you, or you Momma or worse of all YOUR DAUGHTERS! hahahaaaaaa




I will never look at a butterfly in the same way again!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Can you fix my CAR

I am super obsessed with Craig's List. I look at it all the time, yes, I have bought stuff, but mostly I check it out to see what other people are trying to sell for MONEY! ha-ha half the stuff is GAWD awful junk that the salvation army would turn down.

Sometimes you run in to questionable posts, like this one.


I mean really, what's a GIRL to do? Apparently nowadays, advertise some HOT lovin in exchange for car repair!

gotta love it, time are TOUGH!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Crazed Mama moments

I am sure my kids think I say crazy stuff all the time, in fact I am going to ask them to each send me a list of 5 crazy things I say and make that a post.

I am sure I will have a valid explanation for each one.

The reason I am thinking of this, is because the other day I was thinking of all the crazy stuff my mom used to say to me. I am sure in her mind the was a very valid reason to say these things. I think the problem lies within the the fact (I say this because this is why I do it) that we just say stuff to our kids and want them to blindly accept them, seriously, it would never stop if we had to explain every damn thing to them.

So here is a list of the crazy stuff my Mom said to me over the years:

1. You can't have those Precious Moments dolls, why do you want them? They look like they have Downs syndrome. (I was 6)

2. You are too old to get a Cabbage Patch Doll (I was 12)

3. You are too young to go to the movies with your friends alone (I was 12, make up your mind lady)

4. You can't be the great pumpkin for Halloween, how are you going to dance with the boys? (I was 12)

5. You are too young to shave your legs (I was 12)

6. You know what my Mom used to do? She would rub alcohol on her legs and then light it to burn the hairs off, because her mom didn't let her shave her legs, maybe you should try that! (Wait...I can't shave, but I should set myself on FIRE?! I was 12)

7. That bra does nothing for you, you need a serious under wire (HUH?! wire, sound painful! I was 15)

8. How about changing boyfriend less than you change your underwear (I was 16, what! I was popular, had to play the field!)

9. I know we have never had the talk, but... (um, too late now, I was 17)

10. You know, you can't get married in WHITE (the HELL I CAN! I was 18)

Monday, June 15, 2009

This is on my car

I kid, I kid, I only wish I was this funny....besides I drive a mini, no kids allowed in my car, seriously what the HELL did I buy all those skateboards for! Mine would say FORMER FAT ASS, now know as Big Ass.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Fur Babies vs. Sons

Too late to bitch now, since we have 3 boys living at home, but this is why you should consider sticking to pets vs. children.
  1. You will never walk in on your dog having sex with it's girlfriend.
  2. You will never catch your dog trying to get his older brother to buy beer for him and his buddies.
  3. You will never get a call from a neighbor when your out of town saying there is a "funny" smell coming from your garage, cause your dog is in there with some other dogs smoking something that smells "funny."
  4. Also get a call from the same neighbors because there are 15 cars in front of your house while you are out of town and people making out on the hood of a car in your driveway.
  5. Your dog will never ask you repeatedly for years over and over to get a tattoo or piercing in their ears, eyebrows, lips, noses or tongues (dogs are not that stupid) or something called gages, which in turn allows you to let them run around with hair as long as Lady Godiva as a freaking compromise!
  6. You will never catch two of your dogs sneaking out of the house on the same night.
  7. You will never go to wash your dogs blanket and find a condom wrapper.
  8. Your dog will never bark at you "you're crazy, you overreact about everything!"
  9. You dog will never have 2 other dogs over and drink a case of beer and just assume you wouldn't even notice.
  10. You will never have to give the sex talk to your dog, you just get the fucker spayed or neutered.

on the other hand...

  1. Your kids will never chew up you favorite pink suede pumps
  2. Your kids will never steal your panties form the dirty clothes and eat them (I hope)
  3. Your kids won't pee and poo on your rug (mine did, potty training gone bad)
  4. You don't need to follow them with a Popper scooper their whole life (once they are potty trained)
  5. Your kids won't lick their own private parts (mostly because they can't reach)
  6. Your kids kids won't sniff your girlfriends crotch every time she comes over (unless she's a MILF)
  7. Your kids won't bite anyone (if they do they rarely break skin)
  8. Your kids won't get loose and chase a neighbor barking down the street
  9. If your kids ever knock someone up at least it won't be a litter of 8 (unless they are dating Octomom)
  10. You kid will never get the runns when you are not home and poo all over your bed, the walls and the carpet, oh yeah and then throw up on half your shoes.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Then and Now

Today I took my youngest to get his driving permit, he will be 17 on July 6th and could have gotten the permit almost 2 years ago, but in all honesty letting that child drive a car at 15 would have been a eminent threat to all people in Orlando, I'm talking CODE RED. Regardless, he didn't pass, so his Dad has to take him back tomorrow to re-take the test.

Before at 13

After at 16

Even the lady at the DMV called him a Silly Goose, if she only knew!


Friday, June 5, 2009

Don Bailey- Fancy a SHAG?

It was 1995 and I was moving to Miami. I was 23, married and had 2 kids, and had just spent 2 years in Silver Spring, Maryland. My husband decided we should move to Miami, and because I grew up a Diplomat Brat, moving every 2 or 4 years, it sounded like a great idea. My husband left August 1st, to find a job and someplace to live, I would follow as soon as he had a job. My mother (bless her heart) came to help with the moving and the babies, and stayed with my older son (who was 4 at the time) while I left with the youngest, who had just turned 2, and boy was he terrible. I left Maryland with my youngest the last week of August, I packed my little hatchback and but it on the car train from Virginia to Sanford, Fl, then chased Stevie up and down the aisles of the train ALL NIGHT LONG. The ADHD is strong in that one! After a long night, we were happy to arrive in Florida, but still had a 4 hour drive down to Miami, the poor hairy monster must have thought once we were off the train it was play time, because the minute I stuck him in the car seat, he just about lost his mind! I swear he screamed the whole way, and then it started POURING rain. Not raining, BUCKETS of water, giant SUV's sped by drowning my tiny hatchback….it was rough. In typical Florida fashion the sun was shining 5 minutes later as I was approaching the city, just then it came in to my field of vision. A giant billboard with what seemed to be Burt Reynolds naked on it. WTF!?! As I got closer this is what I saw….

Oh my WORD, WOW! I was in LOVE; I screamed and hollered I laughed so hard. Just then my obsession was born. Don Bailey you are my MAN! I would drive by the various billboards all the time or see his delivery trucks and scream “I LOVE YOU DON BAILEY, YOU SEXY MAN!” I scream all the time in my car, even if I’m not alone. Sometimes I would just yell “PAPASOTE! Mi novio!” and blow a kiss to him. The year I turned 30, I commissioned a birthday cake with him on it, yeah baby! I will dig up the picture over the weekend, no I didn't have a digital camera back then! I promise to post it.....In short I have many obsessions, specially "local celebrities" but this is one of my all time favorites. He was 37 when he posed for the painting...I am 37...coincidence, I think not...you and me Don Bailey, it's written in the stars....just don't tell THE HUBS!

Below is a Miami Herald Article that I found on line....but there was no actual link- it's a great article!


An enormous naked man watches over South Florida. He is handsome, muscular, pleased with himself. He calls to mind Michelangelo's David, with a mission from a more swinging time: to put quality shag carpeting in every home for an affordable price.This, of course, is Don Bailey, the naked carpet man, whose painted image appears on billboards and murals from Deerfield Beach to Miami.Over the years he has appeared, clothed, in other advertising campaigns. But who remembers that ''Don Bailey made history by selling carpet at such low prices,'' even after seeing his face pasted over one of the lesser presidents' on a mock up of Mount Rushmore? Does anyone really care that ``The ladies of Florida love Don Bailey for taking inflation out of carpet prices?''No, the genius is in the flesh, which is ageless, forever at leisure. And that grin: so white, so wide and sunny. Take comfort, it says; for whatever tragedies beset this world, there will always be Berber.Don Bailey is a real person. He lives in a house on Biscayne Bay with his third wife and teenage son, goes to work every day, drives a green pickup with his naked picture on the back.The carpet business has made him rich, and he is generous with his money. Carpet deliverymen and saleswomen across South Florida have gone to college, bought first houses and family cars because of his gifts.But back in 1972, when the first billboard went up, he was a truck driver's assistant who had had to borrow $5,000 to set himself up in the carpet business.Business was bad. It didn't stay that way.In April of that year, Cosmopolitan magazine published what is believed to have been the first male centerfold in history. It showed Burt Reynolds reclining on a bearskin rug, naked with cigarette in hand. It sold out at newsstands in a matter of days, and opened a beefcake floodgate: Joe Namath and Bucky Dent appeared in posters of their own.Bailey -- who was, he will remind you, a football star at Edison Senior High -- cheerfully followed suit, posing himself in Reynolds' style one afternoon in his living room for his brother Jack, a commercial artist. Later, in a moment of fleeting modesty, Bailey had flesh-colored shorts added.Carpets were suddenly sexy. Women came into the store asking for posters, so Bailey had a few hundred printed up. He put the image on T-shirts, baseball caps, delivery trucks, the trunk of the sedan he was driving.He got catcalls and double-takes on the street, letters from concerned churches. Nightclub pianists announced him when he walked in the door.His son, Don Jr., in his first year of middle school, was branded forever as the ``son of the naked carpet guy.''`TYPICAL' His wife at the time, the unflappable Johannah Bailey, considered it ``just a typical Don Bailey thing to do.''The naked man made for some of the most exciting moments in carpet history. There was the flap with Reynolds' publicist, which arose when Bailey claimed the man on the billboard had Reynolds' body and Bailey's head. This was not the case, as Bailey's artist brother would later confirm; he'd tried it, to disturbingly Frankensteinian effect, and ended up just adding some muscles to his brother's body. Bailey disputed this, saying he had ''a hell of a body'' and it had been his body on the signs all along.Then came Hurricane Andrew, which blew away a single panel of Bailey's Miramar billboard -- Bailey's private parts, as fate would have it.The greatest moment of them all came in 1988, when Vicki Coceano, then a Miramar city commissioner, began a campaign to cover Bailey up. ''He needs to get dressed, or he needs to get off the rug,'' she said at the time. Bailey refused.Their dispute ended when Bailey donated the carpet for Miramar's youth center and mailed Coceano ''I Love Vicki'' buttons.One can only assume the world was suffering a critical news shortage at the time, because media outlets from as far away as South Korea ran with the story.BUSINESS GROWS Business tripled, and soon Bailey opened a second store; five more followed.Today, Don Jr. is recovering nicely from middle school and professes to be nearly free of anxiety. ''Nothing in life could embarrass me after growing up under that sign,'' he said. He's now a partner in the company and the radio voice of the University of Miami football team after playing two years of professional football with the Baltimore Colts in the mid-'80s.Johannah Bailey, who kept the name after an amicable divorce, works with emotionally handicapped children and occasionally has to explain to them history's sad inexorable progress. ''I just say he doesn't look like that now,'' she said one recent morning. ``I know none of us do.''Coceano, who went on to serve Miramar as commissioner for 12 years and mayor for 10 more, has retired from public life. ''I didn't want to censor anybody,'' she said, reached at home this week. ``I just didn't want a naked man on a billboard.''The man himself is 70 now; he was 37 when the first billboard went up. He is grayer and wider than his famous image.He is faced, these days, with the singular problem of looking less and less like himself.He was ruminating on this one afternoon in the house he shares with his present wife, Donna, and their son, Brett. It is full of family pictures and has a stained glass bay window depicting a naked man reclining on a carpet, done in a mercifully abstract style.''I still go out on deliveries on the driver's day off,'' Bailey said, smiling as if he were about to bestow a gift. ``So this customer takes one look at me, says, `You shouldn't be working at your age. Here's $5. Have lunch on me.'''And you know what? I did,'' and by then Bailey was laughing, heaving with laughter.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Camel Love

A picture is worth a thousand words....

Um, 11 days post op, my friend turned 40 and had a CRAZY bash (belly dancers, henna tattoos, fire dancers, and hookahs everywhere!)....What is a former fat chick to do? Well, take the codeine and GO!

This is the result of 1 drink (I swear) and pain medication.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

If you knew me

If you knew me, I mean really knew me, this is what you would know. I am obsessed with pink, if it were up to me, I would live in a pepto bismol factory. I go batty over everything girly too. The husband says there is a reason why we never had a girl, I would have scared the child for life, she would wear pink and ruffles and pantaloons and I would curl her hair and paint daisy's on her toe nails. Seriously, I would, and I would have insisted on naming her Daisy or Betty, Lulu (not anymore, as that's what I name my dog) maybe Lola, Penelope, but not Petunia, because even I know that is too much.
Since I do not have a little girl and the HUBS banned any dogie clothes for Lulu, I have to conform with looking at cute stuff for me on the Internet. Oh the HORROR!
Here are a few things I have been obsessing over lately...

OMG! Have you ever seen a more perfect SHOE!

I NEED this done to my NAILS NOW!!!

If I ever DO have a girl, I have to move to TAIWAN, because this is where I will give birth, NO WHERE ELSE!

That's it....you think you know me now? Send me pics of stuff you think I would like...I will post the really good ones, and some of the really BAD ones...BWA-HAHAHA..or better yet, if you're rich, unlike me, send me the STUFF! hahahaaaaa, how would I explain that to the HUBS....um, I have a LOVER and he sends me Hello Kitty stuff and shoes (OMG, he sounds perfect!)

Monday, June 1, 2009

My Blog Army

These two are forever making fun of my blog....have they read it, NO! But still the make fun of me and my blog every night at dinner.
The other night I was trying to defend myself saying I have over 175 readers and how people are actually interested in what I have to say. Just then the extra hairy one turns to the facial hair monster and says: Yeah, you better watch it, Mom's gonna get her BLOG ARMY to kick your ass!

That was funny, I must admit, but just so you all know, as followers and readers of my BLOG, you may be asked to one day come to my house and kick my bad ass kids BUTTS! I see you as Gene Simmons see the Kiss Army, you are my BLOG ARMY. In my dreams your are these super hot amazon women, and we all drink like fish, lots of Vodka and Redbull and everyone one wants to be us (all other other lame women) and the Men want to totally "get to know us" if ya know what I mean, and I of course am your UBER hot fearless leader. Just saying...maybe it's the codeine talking...