Wednesday, November 23, 2011

How Pumpkin Pie is really made...

I have never made a Pumpkin Pie....HELL, I have NEVER made a PIE!
This is my philosophy:

I am good at many, many things:

  • dancing

  • drinking vodka & tonic

  • gossiping

  • being funny

  • trimming stinky squirming boy's toe nails

  • whacking the right child in the back seat, while driving one handed and never taking my eyes off the road

  • applying make up and face painting (for the chilrens) - they are not the same thing!

  • Inspecting stinky boys after "baths" (includes but is not limited to: did you use soap? did you scrub with the wash cloth? did you put shampoo in your hair? Come here, let me sniff you)
I will have you know, that the above mentioned are just a few of my many talents. Don't get me wrong, I can cook.  As far as I can tell there is not a one starving person in my house (specially not me) and I make a sit down family dinner at least 4 nights a week. However, I do not pretend to be a professional, and it would be insulting to the true professional cooks, chef's and pastry people out there, that I purport that my cooking could compare to theirs, seriously they make a living at it!
So back to the topic, I have never made a Pumpkin Pie, imagine my surprise, when my girlfriend sent me this e-mail explaining how exactly Pumpkin Pies are made:

I think we will have Pecan pie at my house this year!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Still looking for a Turkey recipe?

With the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays coming up fast, I thought this might be a helpful hint.

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I didn't cook...

Oprah and my boobs

If you have read this Blog you already know that my life is structured around the all mighty OOOOOOOOOOPRAAAAH (that's how I shout it out all sing songy like she does!) In fact, I am sure I lost my job during the last year of her show because I was meant to see her every day and not on DVR. I used to get her magazine (but it's so expensive, I no longer do) and read it cover to cover and try everything she loves. This is how I hurt my back trying that stupid Bikrahm Yoga, thanks to an article in her magazine! The list of things I have done in my life influenced by Oprah is extensive, and I have one more to add!

Remember the show where they gave everyone in the audience a Bra fitting and everyone was wearing the wrong size? Yeah, that. A couple of months ago I had an unused gift card from Dillards, that my middle sister gave me for my Birthday, so nice. I am not a big shopper, for years I worked for Mall Management and it takes a lot to get me in the Mall. After months of the gift card sitting in my wallet, and weeks of feeling like my bra didn't fit right I decided to go to Dillards and get a proper bra fitting.

I walked into the store, found the Lingerie Dept. and found an adorable young lady that had a name tag that said "Are you wearing the right size?" I told her I needed a fitting and we went straight back to the fitting rooms. She asked what size bra are you wearing? My reply? "I've been wearing a 38C for years!" At this point I was fully dressed she looked me right in the eye and said "Ma'am I'll tell you this much, you are NOT a C cup."

She asked me to take my top off and she pulled out her measuring tape, wrapped it around me a few times and announced: Let me pull a few bras and I will be back, let's find your size first and then we will choose what style you like.

OK....I stood there topless in my jeans and sandals in the dressing room, awkwardly starring at my self in a three way mirror under harsh fluorescent lights, thinking to myself- this was NOT a good idea, DAMN you middle sister!

She bounces back in holding a few options and says lets try this first it's a 36F. GASP! WHAT?!?  If it wasn't for the fact that I was topless I would have shoved her out of the way and ran out of the dressing room! She saw my face and said "Just try it on, we will work from there" I can see myself right now screaming and running topless through Dillards...hee-hee

I put it on, in a weird way she told me to and it was too big, but really by only a little. Next size, 36 E, Thank goodness, still a little big.

Finally we settled on a 36DDD, even though she insists that the E fit better. I inform her I am on a DIET and I am SURE my boobs will be shrinking very soon, Thank you very much and GOOD DAY!

I leave the store with my super expensive over the shoulder boulder holder- literally boulders, apparently my boobs are so much more GINORMOUS than I even knew. I called all my girlfriends because I was freaking out, to which one of their response was "OH, yeah, Porn Star BABY!" I was not amused.

The rest of the day I was thinking to myself, Damn you Oprah, you were right I was wearing the wrong bra size. But, how could I have been so off? What if I am wearing the wrong shoe size? It would be like trying to squeeze my size 9 feet into a size 6?! I was 3 cup sizes off. NO COMPRENDO.

I challenge you all to go get fit at a Department Store (not that sham of a store Victoria's Secret) and tell me, are you wearing the wrong size? I just really want to know if any of you are even more clueless about your bresticles than I am. Go, now, and get back to me.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Top 3 Words used in your home

So for some reason (probably because I am lame and have no job or anything to do) I have been thinking of the 3 most common used words in my home.

  • I love you
  • Honey, I'm home
  • Be back later
  • See you later
  • Woman, feed me
  • Walk the dogs
  • Best Mom ever!
  • Not even, bro!
  • Shut your mouth
  • Please stop talking
  • Leave me alone
  • I'm so hungry
  • There's NO food!
All of these phrases are used incessantly in my home, not really, just the bad ones, not the nice ones. But, if I'm being honest this is what is most frequently yelled in my home:


It is the correct response to all the following questions:

  • What time's the movie?
  • Is it going to rain?
  • Mom is this a rash?
  • Mom is this ring worm?
  • Mom what's wrong with the dog?
  • Mom who play that song?
  • Honey, do I need to pack a jacket for my trip?
  • How do I get there?
  • When does Christmas break start?
  • How do you spell...
  • What is that book...
  • Remember that movie, with that guy about that thing....
This list could go on and on and on but I find that all the never ending, persisting, incessant questions and queries from my kids and husband and almost anyone else in my life require only one answer:


What do you think the top 3 words used in your home?