Friday, August 28, 2009

look a like

To say that the HUBS looks like Kevin Dillon would be an understatement. Wait, looked like(a million years ago), now not so much. Back in the day, there was a little movie called Remote Control starring Kevin Dillon, the whole movie he ran around in a black leather biker jacket. The hubs had the exact same jacket. Last Sunday, he confessed while watching Entourage, that he came home late one night (wearing the jacket) and turned on the TV and stood there starring at the screen. He thought it was him and was wondering WTF he was doing on TV! It took him a minute to figure out what was going on.

I have to go home and look for a better (old) picture of my hubs, preferably in that leather jacket.

When I was pregnant, before anyone really knew I was pregnant and we were planning to elope, HBO would play this sappy movie called "Immediate Family" where you guessed it, Kevin Dillon (in the same jacket) knocks up his girlfriend. I used to watch this movie over and over and cry and cry and cry. My Mom would ask "What's wrong?' NOTHING *waaaaaaaaaaa* I would scream! Like pregnancy hormones aren't bad enough, imagine the same hormones in an 18 year old.

Well, in 3 days I will have been married to my little Kevin Dillon look a like for 19 years, you all can send me gifts for that too, I mean if you want to, but I am still waiting for those SHOES!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Who does the Internet think I AM?

So, most of you now know I have a weird name, first and last, this blog started out as something anonymous, but well, not anymore.

The problem with my name: Ylla, is well, that sometimes people do not know if I am a man or a woman (not in person, in person you can tell I am a woman) and I get some strange e-mails, which reminds me of a funny boob story, when I tell people I started going to bars and clubs at 15 people ask: Didn't you get carded? I always say "yeah, I had I (point to right boob).D (point to left boob.)" ha-ha, the power of boobs is awesome. Anyway back to the original story.

I think the Internet thinks I'm a man, a man in need to enhancement in the pipirichi area!
Wait thinks I'm a BALD MAN?

Thinks I am an OLD (ish) BALD SINGLE MAN?
I'm totally screwed! Wait...

OK, OK, the Internet thinks I am woman, and that I go to the gym?!? ha-ha, silly Internet!

Wait, a woman that gives a crap about LAUNDRY! hahaha, right!

Wait, the Internet, she knows am a woman now, a girl blogger and she thinks I want to make money off the Internet?! What the HELL does she think I blog for? Jeeez, I've already made $24.87 from AdSense and it only took me 12 months!

Last but not least, the Internet exacts her final revenge on me: she sends me this...BITCH knows I can't afford those Manolo Blahniks! She just wants me to suffer in my Nine West pumps...unless she is sending me a sign, yes an Internet sign, she wants me to HAVE these shoes, she knows I DESERVE these shoes, she wants ONE of you (a rich one) to send me these shoes (size 8.5), you can get them on-line at Barney's with complimentary free shipping.

We MUST obey the Internet(specially you.)

Friday, August 21, 2009

LOL Bush

I know this isn't exactly current or anything, it just really made me laugh. The look on W's face is priceless...I almost miss his silly anticts and Bushisms...NOT

Friday Mish Mash

I love Google, what on earth did we do before the Internet. For example, if let's just say, you had to find out why someones poop is bright green, what did you do before the Internet? Did you call your Mom? The Doctor, or just suffer in agony thinking something was very wrong with you. Well it turns out that bright green poo can be caused by eating a BOAT LOAD of Jelly beans or Skittles. Now, all I am going to say is that the producer of the bright green poo eats about a pound of candy a day, but said person also runs 7 miles, 6 days a week, so said person can get away with eating 3 pounds of candy a day, but was freaked out by the glow in the dark green poo. It is obviously not me, I will only run if some with a knife is chasing me, and then I would consider just laying down and letting them kill rather than wasting my time pretending I could out run a knife wielding maniac.

Last night I had a dream that I was dating Mathew Mcconaughey, but he wasn't famous. He was really nice and we were going to buy a nice new house together. Oh, and I had a little brother and Mathew was so sweet to him. I think the dream was more of a fantasy of getting a new house, rather than dating Mathew. I mean he isn't even on my 10 ten list.
Here is my top ten list, it changes all the time.
My Top 10 lest of Hot Ass Men *in no particular order
  1. Alonzo Mourning (I have met him in person a couple of time and OMG)
  2. Dwayne Johnson- The Rock
  3. Dennis Quiad
  4. Ryan Reynolds
  5. Jason Statham
  6. Jeff Goldblum
  7. Carlos Ponce (have met him too, oh my...drool)
  8. Ryan Gosling
  9. David Beckham
  10. Eric Bana

Ladies and gays, if you do not know who any of these men are I encourage you to look them up on Google Images, deliciosos!

Going to see Inglorious Bastereds as a family tonight- ahhh, wholesome family time
Is it wrong that I yelled at a lady on 1-4 yesterday "Lady! You're a f*cking Maniac" with my oldest in the car? Wait...before you judge me
  1. My son is 18
  2. She seriously almost killed us
  3. It was so bad my son actually took off his Ipod and said "Dude, that lady needs to learn to drive"
  4. Is it wrong that my kids call me Dude?
Happy Weekend!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Let's talk about the A.D. the H and the D.

Yes peoples, this post is about ADHD. My husband has a delightful way of putting it when people ask what is ADHD. He tells them "you know that movie 50 First Dates? Living with her is like that movie, but it's not funny and she isn't Drew Barrymore"
I laugh every time, it's true, except the funny part, I think it's hilarious and Drew Barrymore wishes she had my Big Mama Boobies!
The day my kids saw the Disney Movie Finding Nemo, they started calling me Dory. That's when I knew it was BAD, I mean really bad. When an 11 year old states that you are comparable to a fish who is distracted by shiny objects and can barley remember her name, you know it's bad. Before then I just thought I was a scatterbrain, chatterbox, cockamamie, spaz.
Oh, ADHD stands for Attention Defecit Hyper Active Disorder. The Hyper part kind of fades when you are an adult, and become more fidgety, restlessness stuff. Like the time I was asked to go home and not server on Jury Duty because I couldn't sit still and had to go to the bathroom all the time.
I did realize that I have an odd behavior steming from being an ADHD child, I sit on my hands all the time, sometimes I sit on one hand and type with the other. It took me a while to figure out why I sit on my hands all the time, then one day it hit me. Teachers used to make me sit on my hands all day long, so that I wasn't Miss Fidgety.
The impulse control gets me all the time, I think it is one of the things I have worked the hardest on, I am pretty sure I am much better. I no longer blurt things out as much as I used to. They would be like verbal regurgitation, just BLAH, out there in the world, before my brain was able to make a judgment on weather it was appropriate or should be worded in another way. I don't take medication (it made me sick) but I made tons of modifications and use little tricks that help a lot (see CHADD.ORG for more info)
I know tons of people out there think they have ADD or ADHD, or their kids do, see a professional (a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose you) and go see a Neurologist. They can run a scan and you will actually see where the misfiring are in you brain, it's cool, it looks like some one sliced you down the middle and you can see inside. If you are diagnosed there at plenty of tools and not all of them require medication. Also, keep in mind that people with ADHD are 6 times more likely to have: learning disabilities, Tourettes Syndrome, Bi-Polar, Anxiety, and Depression. Scary huh? 25% of people who have ADHD parents do as well.
It's not all bad, this is a list complied of traits common to people with ADHD

1) Unlimited energy
2) Will try any thing
3) Good conversationalist
4) Needs less sleep
5) Good sense of humor
6) Very caring
7) Do Spontaneous things
8) Notice things that other people don't
9) Understanding of other kids
10) Can think of new ways of doing things
11) Likes to help others
12) Happy and enthusiastic
13) Imaginative - creative
14) Sensitive - compassionate
15) Eager to make new friends Great
16) Long-term memory
17) Life and soul of any party
18) Charming
19) Warm and loving
20) Protective about families
21) Inquisitive
22) Doesn't hold a grudge
23) Quick to forgive
24) Genuine
25) Never boring
26) Perceptive ways to do things
27) Playful
28) Honest
29) Optimistic
30) Inventive
Just thought I would run a PSA today...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dear Body

Dear Body (men stop reading now) Dear chubby, bloated, starting to sag body,

I know that you are designed to menstruate (ugh) every month (even though I haven't had a baby in 17 years, you think you would have taken the hint) and I can forgive you for this transgression. What I simply can NOT and will not forgive you for is the following:
  • the SALT cravings, extra salty popcorn, chips and nuts (why not just buy a salt tablet and lick it like a horse?)
  • followed by the sugar and carb craving (can you say pancakes smothered in syrup, food of the gods?)
  • even BIGGER boobs and they hurt (nice touch)
  • the ridiculous pains (like birthing an alien from each ovary)
  • the bloating (yeah, because I don't feel fat enough!)
  • the runs (WTF? why?)
  • and to make life complete: The Migraine headache

I want a letter from you by 5pm on my desk with a full explanation of your actions, if not, you are SO FIRED! I am not kidding, I am sure I can find some wacky Dr. willing to rid me of you and by you I mean the reproductive portion of you (can you say hysterectomy?) and I will simply replace you with a patch BITCH. What do you think about that!?

See you at 5pm!

P.S. Please note I did not mention the crying and mood swings, as I can't totally attribute those to solely you, there is that whole craziness thing.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


OK, this post isn't really about's just that the other day that my post was called: Big Mama, I got like 3 times the hits I usually get, and I felt like the popular Queen BEE in NYCPrep (you have to watch this show, the douche-bagery is EPIC) and LOVED I am thinking of either having provocative titles or all of them be BIG BOOBIES, just a thought...let me know what you think of that.
This post is really about just plain texting while you are driving, which should be called STUPID ON WHEELS.
This is where it pays to have a tattle tale...every family has one, it's usually the favorite child (yes, if you have more than 1 there is a favorite) You can pretend you're the Mother of the Year and love all your kids equally, we are not talking about LOVE, we are talking about favorite! How do I know this is true? Growing up, I was the favorite, many times it coincides with being the baby, or the cutest, sweetest and most lovely, or all of the above, just saying.
Anyway, I got a little tattle tale that lives with me and he tells me everything. He tells me about his friends, his brothers, himself (guilt gets to him) and about THE HUBS (his Daddy) which works just great for me!
So apparently The HUBS has been texting while driving. Not in front of me, of course, because we would both be dead, because if he was silly enough to text while driving while I was in the car, I would have WHACKED him so hard he would have blacked out and we would both be DEAD, right now!
No, he has been doing it, I assume alone (Thank GOD for good life insurance) and with the boys in the car (which he will answer to later tonight)
Now maybe I could live with this is if let's say we was Jeff Gordon, or Ricky Bobby, but he is undoubtedly the worst driver I have ever met. He will literally turn around and talk to the person in the back seat, he will drive with his knees while holding a coffee cup and talking on the phone (can you cay cup holder?) he will miss his exit because he is talking to you, oh the bad driving examples go on and on.
The funny thing is he really thinks he is a good driver and gets really annoyed when I tell him he isn't.
I know none of you are silly enough to be texting while driving, right?

Friday, August 7, 2009

HOT coffee in my BUTT crack!

Oh yes, it seems every Friday the trip to Dunkin Donuts get more aggravating and this week DOWN RIGHT DANGEROUS! I had to buy two coffees, 2 dozen assorted donuts and 4 bags of whole beans for the coffee machine here in the office. Well, that is A LOT to carry.
As I pulled up to my office I got out of my little mini and walked to the co-pilot's side to unload all the DD crap and figure out how to carry it upstairs. First I pulled out the 2 coffees, one which I had been sipping on the way to work and had the little mouth hole open, and placed the cup holder on top of the mini. Then I bent over to pull out the 2 dozen donuts and 4 bags of coffee and the holder slipped off the top of my car and tumbled down my back side, dripping (thank GOD the lids were on TIGHT) hot coffee all down my butt crack *OUCH*, then the fell to the ground and spilled every where. Of course I screamed out all sorts of FOUL obscenities in English and Spanish, really truckers within 25 miles simultaneously blushed!
So, I carry everything in and go to the bathroom to clean up and when I look in the mirror I realize what a complete dumb ass I am. I WAS going to wear a blue stripped shirt this morning, but changed my mind after I was dressed and changed to light pink shirt, what I didn't CHANGE was the light blue bra (yea, I am one of those matchy-matchy freaks) I was wearing which you can clearly see through the pink shirt RIGHT NOW! And not in a COOL way like when Gwen Stefani wears a black bra under a white t-shirt.
Lets' move on to my jeans...which now have a coffee stain on the back side, which looks like I was in some cardio class and had butt sweat, I can actually hear the thread in the seams of my jeans SCREAMING for mercy as I type this...HELP, PLEASE, some one get this FAT ASS out of me! Yes, people it's true, they are tight as tight can be and I am rocking a wicked muffin top, oh hotness to BOOT!
I am breaking down and buying a pair of jeans tomorrow. I'll tell you how that crap went on Monday, I am sure it will involve TEARS, SWEAT and plenty of booze...I plan on going to NY&CO because they are crazy with the vanity seizing! Pray for me girls, pray for me!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Really? Because I'm pissed!

Published in May of 1932- OK, so I have been in a SUPER bad mood for like 3 days and tomorrow I may come to work in my PJ's, since nothing else fits in my closet. I am getting my 8 week follow up for my thyroid blood work, and I'm going to make them run a hormonal work up, because something is WRONG, very very WRONG.

I am in such a bad mood that last night the HUBS was being his usual pain in the ass and in a FIT of rage I went to WHACK him, and do you know what that MO-FO did? He deflected the blow with his hand, which was grasping the remote control and I swear I may have broken my hand. It hurts to even type. And today I am STILL mad at him for hurting my hand with the control while trying to avoid my blows....I know, this TIME I really have gone CRAZY. Just don't tell him that!