Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Big O

No not Orgasm, not Obama....OPRAH.

I like Oprah, I got the magazine for a year and then drove my self crazy trying to do all the crap in it, like Bikram Yoga (yeah, that was moronic of me) any who....

If I happen to be home, I'll watch it, but it's not like I am crazy about the show.

The HUBS on the other hand can't stand the show. It's not so much that he hates Oprah, he thinks she's OK, it's the women in the audience he can't stand.

He told me one day he was watching it and she gave something away and the women went APE SHIT! Crying, screaming, jumping up and down, hugging each other. It really freaked him out. He said it was like mass hysteria. He has always been afraid of women in groups of 5 or more. He says women have been in grained to be repressed their whole lives, so when they get in a pack (even worse if alcohol is involved) they got NUTSO! I usually ignore these theories of his.

By the way, he was not talking about the time she gave a car away, he admitted he would have wet himself if he had been in the audience. He said it was like a Ipod or some crap that mostly people already have, in no way life altering.

In honor of the HUBS, his awesomeness and our 20th wedding anniversary which was 2 weeks ago and I didn't even get him a card (yet he still got me 1 and FLOWERS.) I present to you this awesome BLOG of moslty crazy women (I use this term crazy, lovingly since I am the Queen of all crazies)

Faces of the Last Season of Oprah

Enjoy babies, enjoy...

Friday, September 10, 2010

I have a DREAM

I have a dream- it might sound crazy to you, but to me it is Nirvana, Shangri-la, Kismet, in other words- the SHIZNIT!

I would be a stay at home Mom, to my current kids, 18 & 19.

I would have a cleaning lady, who WOULD do windows, iron and love my dog and her incessant shedding, oh, and she would be at my house ever day, and unlike Brit-Brit's cry baby bodyguard, would NOT freak out if she saw me naked (she would have to restrain herself, 'cause I'm not into that.)

The Hubs would still work, giving me at least 8 hours a day to read, watch TV, nap, chat on the phone and fart around on the internet. I would NOT need to go to the gym, because in this dream- I am basically Sofia Vergara with much less of an accent, but all o' the Latina Flavor.

Oh yeah, I can EAT what ever the HELL I want and look perfect.

My hair is A-MAH-Zing!

My boobs, forget it, no need for a bra, ever- perfection.

Everyone loves me (that is nothing new)

I still live in my regular house, but- I have new bathrooms and a new kitchen.

I would also have a new patio/pool area with a fire pit and a cabana, OK, OK, OK, a cabana/pool boy- but you can make him gay- he's only to look at! OH! He could be an ex masseur! oh, I like that.

Wait! I could drink cocktails all damn day long and it wouldn't be bad for me, oh and I would need some besities to be able to lounge around with me. YES! and a big ole cool car we could drive to lunch in and annoy the crap out of people with our cackling and occasional snorts!

OK, readers, figure out how you can make this happen for and get back to me- chop-chop, I'm counting on you!

I must keep the same HUBS, so no bumping him off in your plan, I happen to like him and I got 20 years of training in that one, a large investment of time, I tell you!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Hubs version of Drunken Debauchery night

That is what the Hubs started calling last week's GNO- Drunken Debauchery night.

So here is his version of the night.

He arrived home at 7:30 pm to find there was already 1 friend in the house and 1 bottle of wine open. He walked in with a bag of Publix fried chicken (his favorite thing in the whole world.) He said "hi" left the bags in the kitchen and went to hide in his room. His plan was to wait until everyone left, so he could then devour his said friend chicken in peace.

He grew angrier and angrier as time went by. He was starving and all he could here was more women arriving, more screaming and laughing, he says we laugh like this: QUA-QUA-QUA-QUA- shriek! Like a giant chicken, crossed with a goose, with a witches cackle. I can not disagree.

We finally left at 9:30. He had to pick one of the son's up from work at 11:30pm, so he decided it was pointless to go to bed, since I had said I would be home by midnight. Midnight came and went, and he of course was worried (he is fatalist.) He made a decision that he would NOT call or text me, so I could have fun on my GNO. So when we stumpled in at 2:00 am he was relieved, but had not slept a wink in his worry mode. He was not happy when 4 of us came back to the house, everyone needed a glass of water, to use the bathroom and get thier stories straight before they went home, I kid, I kid. He says there was more QUA-QUA-QUA'ing and doors opening and shutting over and over.

When I finally made it to bed, I promptly feel asleep, he claims I passed out. I say pish-posh. He then says later, he said to me: Move the dog, she is digging in to my back. To which my response was: ALERT!

Move the dog!- again FFC- ALERT!

Please just wiggle to dog over- FFC- ALERT!

He gave up. My question was, why did you wake me up to move the dog? Why didn't you roll over and move her yourself. he had no answer for that question.

At 4am, when he says he had not slept a wink he got up and asked where I had sleeping pills, he needed one.

My response- In the GPS.

He was frustrated and asked again- Not the GPS, where are your sleeping pills.

My response- OMG, in the GPS!

He tried a new approach and asked me in Spanish. To which he say's my response was very angry (I'm scarier in Spanish) - I ALREADY TOLD YOU IN THE &@^@^@!!* GPS!

At that point he gave up and I am assuming he fell asleep.

The hubs version of Girls Night out- ALERT! (don;t ask, I have no idea!)