Friday, October 30, 2009

Dear Great Pumpkin, Hallo-wha?

If I was married to a man that did EVERYTHING I say (like I dream of everyday) then I would make him go as Mr. T for Halloween, because really, how awesome is this costume and who can get enough of running around saying "I PITY DA FOOL" all night long, besides Mohawks are so in!
Oh Great Pumpkin, I thank thee that my Children have gotten over the phase where they think "ghetto chic" is so cool.

Oh Great Pumpkin, orange and grand, please help the mother's of these little ones, specially the one that is grinding up on the other one with his tongue out.

And last put not least, I give thanks to thee Great Pumpkin, that I don't have a cat, because as far as I can tell from all those LOLZ things is that they are kinda of pissy and sarcastic, and really I don't need ANOTHER being in my life to feed and provide a roof for that gives me attitude...I like my dog, like my men- kiss my ass all the time

That's all for today Great Pumpkin, how about you cut Linus a break this year?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

All I wanted was a backrub

Yes, you read her tank top right! It says: All I wanted was a back rub.
As I have been stressed lately, my neck and back have been chock full of knots and to top it all off I am having trouble sleeping, relaxing, etc...Now I do have the option of downing a bottle of wine every night, but hey, sometimes I beg the HUBS for a relaxing back rub.
Believe me people, if I had the time or money to get a professional to provide me with this much needed service I would, HOWEVER, lest you not be naive and think the HUBS does this out of the goodness of his heart, oh no honey, he charges me...
I wonder if I went to a masseur and tried to pay him in the manner in which the HUBS requires I pay, well, let's just say I would probably get arrested, as would the masseur and I would definitely report him to the Better Business Bureau, because that is just wrong.

Friday, October 23, 2009

More Tats, just for You!

Tattoos, what can you say. Some are BAD, some are good, some are AWESOME, and yet some are AWESOMELY BAD! Remember Only Judge Judy can judge ME and leave your comment below:

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Nightmares Galore

So I am prone to nightmares, when I am stressed they seem to get worse and more frequent. This seems to greatly entertain my sister Coco, because in her whole life, she can only remember having 2 nightmares, and 1 of them involved our Dad in a fight with Dracula, the Mummy and possibly a werewolf.

My nightmares are very vivid and usually easy to figure out what they are about. However last night I had one of the most horrible and vivid dreams, it may sound so silly but I can't even think about it with out cringing and getting goose bumps every where.

If you are an expert, or just think you KNOW EVERYTHING (like me) tell me what your interpretation of my nightmare is.

I am looking at my lower legs and these hairs start to grow on them rapidly. Only they are not hairs, the are more like stems from a weed. Green and thick. I start plucking them one by one with my fingertips and they come out, leaving a pin hole in my leg each time. They keep growing back, bigger and thicker and each time I pull them out the holes that are left in my legs are larger and larger. When I pull them out it, it is like in slow motion, I see them slowly dragging through my skin. N-A-S-T-Y. It gets to a point in the dream where I can't pull them out anymore and my legs start to look like trees.

It made me think of Tree Man:


The HUBS does not think it is THAT BAD of a nightmare, my assistant (the black tongue girl) scrunches up her whole face when I talk about it and thinks it is the worst dream ever.

HELP?! Is this my usual craziness or have I gone of the deep end?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Spread the funny around

My Mom has always been funny, in the way where a person who isn't trying to be funny and doesn't even know they are funny. A side effect of stroke victims is that they lose affect in their voice and emotion in their faces. Which makes for a great comedic straight guy.
Funny stuff my Mom has said this week-
Someone is going to come help me with my nails and plucks those terrible whiskers tomorrow? (ya, Mom, me- I will bring all the stuff tomorrow) Good, because the last thing any woman wants is to be seen with those terrible whiskers, and any woman that doesn't care, well, something is wrong with that one!

I almost kissed one of the boys that works here (male nurses) he looks just like Alex (my son)

to my friend Joe (who was visiting his Mom, quite the coinky-dinky) Are you my friend? No? Good, so you work here. The food is horrible, you need to do something about it.

Apples make me happy, that's why I think they make me eat apple sauce all day long. It works, I'm happy.

You are so pretty (to me) you look just like a girl on the TV ( I turn the TV on) That's her! (the wife from the King of Queens.) I wonder if Oprah would have been on, if she would have said the same thing!

me: Mama, Tita (my sister's nanny) has a daughter in law looking for work, maybe she will come up to Orlando and help Dad and me take care of you.

Ma: OK, sounds good, but we have to find her a boyfriend, when you find them a boyfriend they always stick around.
me: MA! It's Tita's daughter in law, she's married to her son, we can't get her a boyfriend in Orlando.
Ma: Yeah, that would be BAD (and she totally cracks up)
The nurse comes in and when she leaves I ask my Mom what that nurses name is.
Her response- I can't ever remember, they should really tell me their name every time the walk in here- they know it!
me: they know their name? (which was a stupid thing on my part to say, but I am sleep deprived)
Mom: I hope so, because my memory is shot!
I'm reading her the menu for the next day- Mom, due you want the fruit cup or peach cobbler for dessert?
Ma: Fruit Cup, I think it will have less calories.
Me: Mom, eat what you want, you need to gain weight, the said you are too skinny.
Ma: Really? What a blast.(totally flat affect) peach cobbler.
Nurse walk in and asks me to bring her a chain for her glasses, so she won't lose them. As soon as the nurse walks out, Mom says: Your Dad is going to be so happy, he was always telling me to get one of those chains and now when he sees me with it he can say: I TOLD YOU SO!

A is for Alligators all around, B bursting balloons

When I was a little girl we lived in Silver Spring, Maryland and as many children in the 70's. I was obsessed with Maurice Sendak's book: Where the Wild Things Are, I also was crazy about In the Night Kitchen.
My mother is an artist, so most of the books she bought me as a child involved gorgeous illustrations, and she never worried too much about the content. I remember her telling me In the Night Kitchen was banned from some libraries because the boy was shown naked and something about nocturnal ejaculation (yes, she used those words.) Remember, this was coming from the woman who took me to the natural drawing class with the naked guy, per my post: LOOK MOM A NAKED MAN!
At some point between 1977 and 1979 Maurice Sendak came to White Flint Mall, which was a brand new fancy pants shopping center with a glass elevator that descended in to a water fountain, about 25 minutes from our house. My mother took me to see him. Mr. Sendak read Where the Wild Things are aloud and once he was finished I stood in line to meet him. He was seated and next to him was an easel with black sheets of paper on which he made each child in line a drawing with colorful chalk on the black back round. When we got home my mother sprayed hairspray over it so that it wouldn't smudge. I put it under my bed, as it was the only place it could fit with out being folded. I would pull it out every night and imagine I was Max in a far off land being hero, dancing around a fire with my new found fierce friends.
We moved houses and countries, states and schools at least 10 times since I had that drawing under my bed, and of the things that I lost and were broken or ruined in the moves, that is the one thing I regret the most. Last night, I told my Mom about the movie coming out and how I was taking my boys to see it. I asked her if she remembered taking me to the Mall, she didn't, but she also couldn't remember what she had for diner 10 minutes ago.
Instead of focusing on my my childhood, I told her about how I bought all the same books for my boys, how to this day can still sing every damn song from I'm really Rosie, and make a different voice for every monster, and can make the 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeee" sound for 30 seconds when Mickey slides down to the Night Kitchen. So tomorrow night, after I leave the hospital I will take my boys (now 18 & 17) to see Where the Wild Things Are, and I am sure I will cry my eyes out, and one day down the road they will buy these same books for their kids, and then I will be able to dance around and sing and play all thanks to Mr. Sendak and my mom the artist.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

We need a MAN in this house

Last night as I lay in bed with my husband, with a 70lbs dog-goddess sprawled out between us, feet in my face and her cuca inches from the Hubs right ear, the ceiling fan starts making a terrible sound.

This is of course at 10:30 at night, after we each have worked 9 hour days, I have walked the dog, he has gone to the gym, I have spent 3 hours at the hospital with my Mom, he has made dinner and barked at the kids until the cleaned the kitchen and set the table, so we could eat at 8pm when I get home. The ceiling fan sound was almost as bad the groaning the DVD-surround sound system started making the minute we sat down to watch season 4 of Weeds after diner.

The Hubs lets out a long sigh and says: We need a man in this house. A man that can fix things, fix the fan and the DVD, and the hole in the attic where my foot fell through, and screen and the pool pump too.

I chime in: We need a WOMAN in this house. A woman who cooks, and cleans

HUBS: oh! a woman that likes to have sex, like every night!

the only logical response: Um, yeah that woman, can have sex with the man that fixes things.

With that I rolled over and went to sleep, only to hear the HUBS say: Lulu, get your Cuca out my face!

ahhhhhhh, love and marriage....

Monday, October 12, 2009

How did I get here? Where's my phone?

See that boy flying through the air, that's my boy, my baby. Well this same boy was at Vans Skate Park on Saturday for his buddies B-day and was jumping and skating and flying through the air, with FULL protection on (unlike this photo, which I did NOT take and wasn't present at) well, the boy fell and whacked his head hard (yes, he was wearing a helmet.)

I am at the Hospital on the other side of town with my Mom, where I am now every day for several hours a day, when his friend calls me and tells me Hairy has hurt his leg. My response is so-and-so put Hairy on the phone!

baby hairy: Mom, I hurt my knee

Before you all judge me for being BITCH mom of the year, this happens like 3 times a week, calls with whining and complaining that usually end up in pleas to buy soda and burgers.

me: baby hairy, I am at the hospital with Grandma on the other side of town (pissed off tone)

baby hairy: WHAT?! Grandma's in the hospital? Why is she in Orlando?

me: baby hairy, put so-and-so back on the phone. So-and-so, get an adult employee from Vans and sit with him I am on my way to take him to the hospital.

So, baby hairy had a concussion, CT scan was fine.

Did you know that when people get a concussion they have memory loss and ask the same 6 or 7 questions over and over and over and have no memory of doing so.

It was very scary, for the first 3 hours, once the doctor said it was normal and would probably wear off after 12 hours and rest it became the MOST ANNOYING THING EVER.

Stinky long haired 17 year old repeating these questions ever 3 minutes for 10 hours (apparently he drank a shit load of Mountain Dew at Vans and was not sleepy at ALL)

How did I get here?

Did I bump my head? Wasn't I wearing a helmet?

Ow, my knew hurts, oh no did I rip my jeans?

Where is I pod touch?

Did anyone see me fall?

Where's so-and-so?

Do you have my phone?

oh, my head hurts.

At one point you start to wonder if they are messing with you, I mean, they all after all teen aged pain in the ass boys. When he over hear us talking about Grandma in the hospital, he was so alarmed, and asked what happened. When I told him she had a stroke and an brain aneurysm, his eyes welled up with tears. That's when I moved him to my room (so he wouldn't over hear any one's conversations) with plenty of food (and beer for me) and we watched TV and I answered his questions over and over until he fell asleep.

ahhhhhhhhhhh, the joys of motherhood never end

The Power of my Cuca

On Friday morning I was watching the Today show when they announced that President Obama had won the Noble Peace Prize, of course I squealed with joy at the exact moment the hubs was walking out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

I told him the news and his response was "That's great, maybe the Republicans will shut up for a few" then he dropped the towel and started to dress.

Just then as I starred at his perfect ass, I thought to myself: Girl, you done good!

Look at that man, after 19 years of marriage still wearing a size 32 pant, looking all hot, and he is now your perfect political match. Seriously, what more could you ask for.

When I married my husband he was a republican, a conservative one at that. What can I say, the power of my cuca brought him to the light. It has helped his brain expand, his social conscience to develop, etc, etc, damn, I gots a powerful cuca!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Friday Mish-Mash

  • I haven't been blogging, not because I don't have anything to say, but because everything I have to say is depressing and I don't want to talk about it.
  • My assistant is going on vacation next week, the whole week, I think I might DIE, no joke.
  • My 18 year old son FINALLY got his license to drive (miraculously on the first TRY!)
  • He asked me when I was getting him a car, ha-ha , as if getting a license means someone is supposed to just give you a car. Silly rabbit, get a JOB!
  • My baby/dog Lulu is in Heat, it is her second heat, we need to wait 'till her 4th to breed her. My husband thinks we are keeping 1 girl puppy, but we are going to keep 2 and I am going to name them: bambi and buttercup, I can hardly wait to be a GRANDMA!
  • I am working on a plan where I will be a stay at home dog mama, any suggestions on how to make this happen?
  • My youngest cried the whole time he was with my Mom this week and every night after, he doesn't want to talk about it (hmmm, I wonder where he gets that from)
  • They made my Mom put her make up on in occupational therapy, she kind of looked like a Latina Tammy Faye Baker.
  • She was pissed because she didn't remember doing it herself and thought one of the nurses had done a pretty lousy job! ha-ha
  • She keeps on saying she has cash in the pocket of her orange purse, we need to tip $50 to each of the nice girls who are helping her (the therapists and nurses)
  • I need to tell my Dad to bring the Orange purse when he comes (just in case there is a wad of money in there, you never know)

Friday, October 2, 2009

My kind of BFF

I call my friend on Friday at about noon to see if she wants to go to lunch.

Her- *hack*hack* hello
Me- Hey what's up
Her- I am SO sick
Me- Really?
Her- I'm dying
Me- hmmmm, did you go to bed really late last night?
Her- yeah
Me- Did you drink a shit load of vodka?
Her- um, yeah
Me- Sweetie, you're not sick, it's called a HANGOVER
Her- HA-HA-HA (not a real laugh, but a sarcastic she thinks I'm a bitch laugh)
Me- And YOU of all people should know this by now: H-A-N-G-O-V-E-R

This is what happens when your husband and kids go out of town- WE BREAK OUT THE VODKA!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

More badness

Of course now that I said I was going to post all the Ring Leader Badness I have magically wiped my memory of them...actually the only one that keeps coming up is almost too embarrassing to post. ALMOST...

When I was 16, my curfew was midnight (completely unacceptable) one of my besties older sister was getting married and it was the social event of the season, all which made it totally insane that I had to be home at midnight. Hence the old switcheroo, my girlfriend Rocio and I each told our parents we would be spending the night at each other's house, that's as far as the plan got.

We got all dolled up for the wedding, we were looking UBER hot, big hair and tons of make-up. We drank and danced all night, well up until 2:30 am when the wedding party was over and then there we were standing in the street like total morons. At least we were not alone, I mean we each had an adorable boyfriend on our arm. Where do we go, what do we do? At 2:30 am in a small city like, um, NOWHERE.

Finally Rocio's boyfriend hatches a plan, this is where it get weird, stay with me. His name is David, his Dad adopted him from Vietnam and lived with his father in an Orphanage. Yes, you heard right, There was the main house, where David's Dad lived, David had a small apartment above the house, with it's own entrance (he was 18) and then there was a huge building on the property which housed about 150 boys, mostly kids that had been street urchins (very common in Latin America.) David proposes we go to his apartment, but we must be very discreet, because his Dad's only rule is NO GIRLS. We all agree, that we will hang out there and then leave about 5:30 and go to breakfast. Of course we get to the apt and with in 10 minutes we all fall ASLEEP! I swear, this is the truth, no one had sex (that night.) David wakes up in a tizzy at 7am and we all rush to find our shoes and leave.

Now this is the worst part...we are creeping across the lawn, smudged makeup all over our faces, pantyhose with holes in them, carrying our shoes in our hands, messed up hair and scrunched up party dresses. All of a sudden I hear cat calls, wolf whistles, boy's laughing and hooting it up. Nothing like having 150 orphans boys screeching "woot-woot, someone got lucky last night"

Now, I never had to do the walk of shame in College, as I was already married and had a child by then, but I can't imagine it would be any worse than the night I spent at Mi Hogar (IE an all boys home.) I included the link so you can see the actual lawn the walk of shame took place on!)
Here is an actual picture of that night. Rocio is in the copper dress, David is the guy in the red bow tie, I am in the black top, but you can;t see my face because I am kissing my then boyfriend on the cheek. Please note the bottle of Scotch on table!