Friday, January 14, 2011

Dear Brian, I'm sorry

If you know me or have read my blog- you know I am out numbered. I live with my uber macho husband, my step son and my two sons, so when we got a dog, I put my foot down and we got a girl. Her name is Little Lulu and she is the daughter I never had, which I know sounds weird, but I'm 38 and my youngest is 18. I am teetering on the Empty Nest cliff- so it either act crazy about a dog or have a baby. You do the math.

We have been going back and forth over breeding Lulu since we got her, and she recently had her 3rd heat (not pretty, we fixed her a few days ago.) Unlike the other times she was in heat, she started to act very strangely, trying to hump everything, crying and all over the place emotionally (go figure.)

Of course the Hubs reaction? DO SOMETHING! You're a woman, help her.

I call the vet and explain (they know me very well in that office.) His advice? Get her a stuffed animal and let her take out some of her sexual needs on it. I SWEAR that is what he said.

Where am I going to find a giant teddy bear? And them I remembered something one of the mens I live with had in his room.

I run through the house flinging the doors open, looking for my solution. Found it! Grab it and yell at my son- I am confiscating this for Lulu and run out.

It was like a first date, I sat Brian down on a chair in the family room and let her walk by and check him out.

Second date- I move him to the floor and let her get a closer look and sniff.

Third Date- She looks at me and I give her the go ahead, the thumbs up, the YOU GO GIRL!

She drags Brain to her bed and BAM! Goes at it!

As we watch on as a family ( I know weird) there is giggling, red faces and cringing on my behalf.

Son #3 yells "DOGGIE STYLE!" Son #2 chimes in "Mom, Lulu is 69'ing poor Brain" Technically they were right.

That's it! The Hubs puts his foot down and makes us all leave the room and giver her some privacy, after all she is his little girl.

So Brian, I am sorry Lulu hit it and quit it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Proof of the Crazy

The set up:
I was a young teenage girl, skinny with flowing straight light colored hair (white girl hair,) I was also bullied and tortured in school. Why? Because I was a genius! A math and science geek! If you haven't figured it out, this was a dream. Any who...I devised a plan for revenge- it involved stealing chemical warfare and dynamite. What? Yeah I know... then on a school field trip, to some caves (how convenient.) I dump the chemicals and blow up the mouth of the cave- therefore trapping and killing everyone inside! Violent much?

Now for the spy portion- I was also supposed to be in the cave- so I needed a new identity. I cut my hair super short and donned some boy jeans and a plaid shirt- an voila, I was a boy, very much like in Hilary Swank "Boys Don't Cry".

The hot part of the dream- Part of my new identity is being James Franco's male roommate- however we are really lovers *SCORE* We were so happy while it lasted!

The nightmare portion- I come home early to find my man James Franco making out with a voluptuous tall Latina- Sophia Vergara type- oh the horror! In true soap opera style I yell over and over "what does she have that I don't have"

Freaky portion- She whips open her wrap dress and has some big ole hairy man junk! AHHHHH! That's what she had that I didn't have.

Just then Lulu wakens me to go pipi at 3am- I was happy she did so-Back to sleep

Lucid dream- my true talent- when I go back to sleep- the penis having Sophia Vergara is gone- James Franco and I are happily married and Lulu has just had puppies!

Yes, best dream ever.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

3 wise men?

Today is Three Kings Day, the day the Magi arrived or the Epiphany, having lived in Latin America and having worked for a Catholic School, I have celebrated this day many times over.

However, this year, I sit at home watching Hoda and Kathie Lee, looking for a new job on-line (yeah, because there ARE tons of jobs out there) and waiting for the Alarm company to show up and install an alarm system, in my recently burglarized home.

I have not blogged in a long time, I have a bad case of the BLAH'S and if you know me, well, sometimes my BLAH's are rather severe.

I will be catching up with you all soon, and telling you all about the horrible, hysterical things that have been going on in my life.

But for today, 3 kings day I leave you with this greeting card that my friend and neighbor Mary (the coolest Senior Citizen I know!) sent me:

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

When Men bake

If my husband could or would bake, I am sure this is what the final product would look like:

For one exception- they would be HUGE, as we all know: My Man likes BIG BUTTS and arroz con pollo thighs....