How did you find me?!?

This is how people have gotten to my blog via search engines, I think some may have actually been looking for me, others, may have been looking for who the HELL knows what!

1. Sex for fat old daddys from turky.com
2. Fat Chick
3. Former Fat Chick
4. Hairy Tongue
5. Dirty Chat Roulette
6. Fat Ass Mommas
7. Side Show Bob
8. Tahitian Bikin Wax
9. Don Bailey
10. Fat Chat Roulette

Number one really really scares me!

Who is looking for me? Top Countries who read my blog.

1. Unites States
2. Russia
3. Australia
4. Saudia Arabia
5. Egypt
6. Germany 
7. United Kingdom
8. Sweden 
9. Japan
10. State of the Vatican City

Number 10 really really scares me!

How Pumpkin Pie is really made...

I have never made a Pumpkin Pie....HELL, I have NEVER made a PIE!

This is my philosophy:

I am good at many, many things:

• dancing


• drinking vodka & tonic


• gossiping


• being funny


• trimming stinky squirming boy's toe nails


• whacking the right child in the back seat, while driving one handed and never taking my eyes off the road


• applying make up and face painting (for the chilrens) - they are not the same thing!


• Inspecting stinky boys after "baths" (includes but is not limited to: did you use soap? did you scrub with the wash cloth? did you put shampoo in your hair? Come here, let me sniff you)

I will have you know, that the above mentioned are just a few of my many talents. Don't get me wrong, I can cook.  As far as I can tell there is not a one starving person in my house (specially not me) and I make a sit down family dinner at least 4 nights a week. However, I do not pretend to be a professional, and it would be insulting to the true professional cooks, chef's and pastry people out there, that I purport that my cooking could compare to theirs, seriously they make a living at it!
So back to the topic, I have never made a Pumpkin Pie, imagine my surprise, when my girlfriend sent me this e-mail explaining how exactly Pumpkin Pies are made:



I think we will have Pecan pie at my house this year!

Still looking for a Turkey recipe?

With the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays coming up fast, I thought this might be a helpful hint.

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.

And, you thought I didn't cook...

Oprah and my boobs

If you have read this Blog you already know that my life is structured around the all mighty OOOOOOOOOOPRAAAAH (that's how I shout it out all sing songy like she does!) In fact, I am sure I lost my job during the last year of her show because I was meant to see her every day and not on DVR. I used to get her magazine (but it's so expensive, I no longer do) and read it cover to cover and try everything she loves. This is how I hurt my back trying that stupid Bikrahm Yoga, thanks to an article in her magazine! The list of things I have done in my life influenced by Oprah is extensive, and I have one more to add!

Remember the show where they gave everyone in the audience a Bra fitting and everyone was wearing the wrong size? Yeah, that. A couple of months ago I had an unused gift card from Dillards, that my middle sister gave me for my Birthday, so nice. I am not a big shopper, for years I worked for Mall Management and it takes a lot to get me in the Mall. After months of the gift card sitting in my wallet, and weeks of feeling like my bra didn't fit right I decided to go to Dillards and get a proper bra fitting.

I walked into the store, found the Lingerie Dept. and found an adorable young lady that had a name tag that said "Are you wearing the right size?" I told her I needed a fitting and we went straight back to the fitting rooms. She asked what size bra are you wearing? My reply? "I've been wearing a 38C for years!" At this point I was fully dressed she looked me right in the eye and said "Ma'am I'll tell you this much, you are NOT a C cup."

She asked me to take my top off and she pulled out her measuring tape, wrapped it around me a few times and announced: Let me pull a few bras and I will be back, let's find your size first and then we will choose what style you like.

OK....I stood there topless in my jeans and sandals in the dressing room, awkwardly starring at my self in a three way mirror under harsh fluorescent lights, thinking to myself- this was NOT a good idea, DAMN you middle sister!

She bounces back in holding a few options and says lets try this first it's a 36F. GASP! WHAT?!?  If it wasn't for the fact that I was topless I would have shoved her out of the way and ran out of the dressing room! She saw my face and said "Just try it on, we will work from there" I can see myself right now screaming and running topless through Dillards...hee-hee

I put it on, in a weird way she told me to and it was too big, but really by only a little. Next size, 36 E, Thank goodness, still a little big.

Finally we settled on a 36DDD, even though she insists that the E fit better. I inform her I am on a DIET and I am SURE my boobs will be shrinking very soon, Thank you very much and GOOD DAY!

I leave the store with my super expensive over the shoulder boulder holder- literally boulders, apparently my boobs are so much more GINORMOUS than I even knew. I called all my girlfriends because I was freaking out, to which one of their response was "OH, yeah, Porn Star BABY!" I was not amused.

The rest of the day I was thinking to myself, Damn you Oprah, you were right I was wearing the wrong bra size. But, how could I have been so off? What if I am wearing the wrong shoe size? It would be like trying to squeeze my size 9 feet into a size 6?! I was 3 cup sizes off. NO COMPRENDO.

I challenge you all to go get fit at a Department Store (not that sham of a store Victoria's Secret) and tell me, are you wearing the wrong size? I just really want to know if any of you are even more clueless about your bresticles than I am. Go, now, and get back to me.

Top 3 Words used in your home

So for some reason (probably because I am lame and have no job or anything to do) I have been thinking of the 3 most common used words in my home.

• I love you
• Honey, I'm home
• Be back later
• See you later
• Woman, feed me
• Walk the dogs
• Best Mom ever!
• Not even, bro!
• Shut your mouth
• Please stop talking
• Leave me alone
• I'm so hungry
• There's NO food!

All of these phrases are used incessantly in my home, not really, just the bad ones, not the nice ones. But, if I'm being honest this is what is most frequently yelled in my home:

GOOGLE THAT SHIT!

It is the correct response to all the following questions:

• What time's the movie?
• Is it going to rain?
• Mom is this a rash?
• Mom is this ring worm?
• Mom what's wrong with the dog?
• Mom who play that song?
• Honey, do I need to pack a jacket for my trip?
• How do I get there?
• When does Christmas break start?
• How do you spell...
• What is that book...
• Remember that movie, with that guy about that thing....

This list could go on and on and on but I find that all the never ending, persisting, incessant questions and queries from my kids and husband and almost anyone else in my life require only one answer:

GOOGLE THAT SHIT!

What do you think the top 3 words used in your home?

Spanx, not for the faint hearted

Most of you know, I grew up in Latin America and they take the whole panty girdle (what Spanx used to be called) to a while other level. I'm talking about female body armor, bounce a dime off your ass, dime flies across the room takes someone eye out level.

I started wearing these garments when I was 14, and I tell you I had the whole collection, head to toe. In fact I can honestly say my virginity was preserved far more by these undergarments, than my poor judgment.

As an adult I still love the company of these undergarments. However I must warn you, they are not for everyone.

Here are a few examples of my worst experiences in my love/hate relationship with Spanx.

I LOVE how they make me look in my clothes.

I hate how expensive they are.

I hate how long it takes my fat ass to wiggle into one.

I hate that my hubs once walked in on me trying to pull them up and he says he is scarred for LIFE.

I hate that no matter how carful you are, you always feel like someone can see them under your skirt when you sit down or go up steps, and how UN-sexy is that?

I hate that if you go dancing and have a few (OK, like 10) drinks and go to the ladies room, there is ZERO chance you are getting those suckers back up.

Or you can text your Hubs and tell him to come to the bathroom to help you, but your drunk so you text the wrong person "Come here and help me get my panties up, fucker!"

Yeah, I especially hate that one.

I hate that every time I wear them I can't stop thinking about how sausage is made.

I hate that that particular mental image makes me hungry for some kielbasa w/ sauerkraut.

I hate that one of the contraptions was SO like an Iron Maiden that I cut a "pee hole" in the crotch for the purpose of not having to text some random person from a bathroom for help.

And then the pice of crap ran like a bad pair of panty hose, when it cost me a small fortune.

Why not buy one with snaps in the crotch you ask? Yeah, been there- worn those, when you you make any sudden mov they SNAP open, disastrous.

What's a girl to do, beside get a body transplant? Keep wearing those suckers.

Fat and Sad

Fat and sad, such a lovely combination! I have a bum thyroid, actually I have some nasty nodules which keep growing....

Just so you know how it works, Dr.'s will start you on the lowest possible amount of medication, wait 8 weeks re-test you and see if it works or if you need a higher dose.

This is how it went for me.

.25 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

.50 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

.75 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

100 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

112 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

125 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

You do the MATH...over 1 year and 30 lbs...so now when it finally seemed to be working, when BAM the nodules grew.

The Doctor asked me if I am having any of the symptoms below:

Symptoms of Hypothyroidism

• Fatigue
• Weakness
• Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
• Coarse, dry hair
• Dry, rough pale skin
• Hair loss
• Cold intolerance (you can't tolerate cold temperatures like those around you)
• Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
• Constipation
• Depression
• Irritability
• Memory loss
• Abnormal menstrual cycles
• Decreased libido

Now as you may know I have been unemployed since January so, yes, I am irritable, depressed, I'm pale since being depressed prevents me from leaving the house, I eat all day and watch TV in bed, so yeah I've gained weight....

So yeah, I'm FAT and SAD, but I am not sure if it's because I cant get a job or because my thyroid is a pice of crap that does not work!

Now get this....they want to biopsy and remove the nodules, so if I ever DO get an interview I get to go with a big purple angry ribbon scar across my neck (I scar keloid)

I can imagine the HR person right now, hmmm candidate number one or the lady that looks like her throat got slit?

Why I need a JOB

So I have been unemployed since January 1st of this year. To say it sucks is so beyond an understatement, it redonkculous.

So I have come up with a few reasons why I really, really need a job.

1. I NEED money! I was never a stay at home Mom (could not afford to be) Never worked to pay off my charge cards or as a "fun" thing to do. I worked because I have always needed the money, still do.
2. Being unemployed at the same time I went from having 3 boys at home to only having 1 boy at home is the most depressing thing ever. Suffering empty nest syndrome and unemployment at the same time is shitty. My one remaining son goes to school full time, has a job, works out everyday and has a car, which means I see him twice a month, usually the day before he gets paid and is broke.
3. I have started watching HSN & QVC. I am days away from ordering a GenieBra, an ABRocker, and that shit Cindy Crawford uses on her face.
4. I can recite word for word every episode of Ice Loves Coco and I seriously love her.
5. My husband comes home for lunch every day becasue he wants to make sure I have not gone crazy, got out of bed, and actually took a shower.
6. Since I have no children to care for or dot on, I have become unnaturally obsessed with my dogs. Seriously, I am sure if I could breastfeed my puppy, I probably would, and well even I know that is JUST WRONG.
7. All I do all day long is EAT.
8. As much as I know the job market sucks, blah, blah, blah, sending 100 resumes out and not getting a single call back makes me feel like a BIG Loser, and not in a good way like the stupid weight loss show.
9. Sitting at home all day only makes me see how much my house sucks. I need new appliances, need new counter tops, need to remodel my bathroom, etc, etc, etc
10. Being unemployed gives me writers block.

Dear Casey Anthony- a letter from a Teen Mom

Dear Casey,

I don't like you. I don't understand anything about you. You see, I too was a teen Mom. In fact I was younger than you were when you had Caley. I was doubly stupid, because when my baby was 6 months old, I was already pregnant with my second baby.

I was in a bad marriage, so broke my children were on State provided medical insurance, we couldn't even afford to go to McDonald's, this is in NO WAY an exaggeration. My husband worked two jobs, he was gone six days a week from 2pm to 8am, I worked full time. On the one day we had a day off, we got to ride around in a car with no a/c (in Florida) and try and find something free to do.

I lived in a city with zero support system, no friends, no family, no one. On a good day, I would drop both my babies off at day care by 7:30 am and on my way to work I would fantasize about running away. Leaving and never coming back. On a bad day I thought about killing myself. I did never think of hurting them. I loved my children, still do. I am also truthful enough to accept that I resented my children, I often looked at them and knew I would have been so much better off without them. I can honestly say, I do not wish teen motherhood on my worst enemy.

I look at you and you lived at home with your parents who dotted on you and your child. They provided so much, that you didn't even have a job to support your daughter. You did what you wanted when you wanted, in my eyes you had it easy. Do I understand wanting to go out and party? Hell yes, I watched on jealously as my friends went off to college and partied their brains out hooking up with hot guys, while I was pregnant and changing diapers. It sucked.

What I cant get over is that all you had to do was get in your car and drive away. Your parents would have so obviously raised your child, and you would have been free to live your "bella vita" life.

In December of last year my house was broken into, in the middle of the day I came home to a burglarized home and could not find my dog Lulu. As I called 911, while running up and down the street screaming her name, I was sobbing and hysterical. I now laugh about this, since I found my dog, but in that moment I was devastated. I sounded like Nancy Kerrigan when they whacked her leg "WWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYY, WHHHHYYYYY, why would they take my dog!" I can only hope the 911 operator was a pet owner so that she understand how heart broken I was.

When the not guilty verdict came down, I was so upset I did not speak the rest of the day. If you knew me, this fact alone would frighten you. I was so upset and all I could think about was that 911 call when I thought my dog as missing or hurt, the pain I felt, the devastation and heart break and how that was about MY DOG. My Dog, let alone a child. I just can't understand.

Sincerely,

FFC

P.S. Please don't procreate.

Dear Brian, I'm sorry

If you know me or have read my blog- you know I am out numbered. I live with my uber macho husband, my step son and my two sons, so when we got a dog, I put my foot down and we got a girl. Her name is Little Lulu and she is the daughter I never had, which I know sounds weird, but I'm 38 and my youngest is 18. I am teetering on the Empty Nest cliff- so it either act crazy about a dog or have a baby. You do the math.

We have been going back and forth over breeding Lulu since we got her, and she recently had her 3rd heat (not pretty, we fixed her a few days ago.) Unlike the other times she was in heat, she started to act very strangely, trying to hump everything, crying and all over the place emotionally (go figure.)

Of course the Hubs reaction? DO SOMETHING! You're a woman, help her.

I call the vet and explain (they know me very well in that office.) His advice? Get her a stuffed animal and let her take out some of her sexual needs on it. I SWEAR that is what he said.

Where am I going to find a giant teddy bear? And them I remembered something one of the mens I live with had in his room.

I run through the house flinging the doors open, looking for my solution. Found it! Grab it and yell at my son- I am confiscating this for Lulu and run out.

It was like a first date, I sat Brian down on a chair in the family room and let her walk by and check him out.

Second date- I move him to the floor and let her get a closer look and sniff.

Third Date- She looks at me and I give her the go ahead, the thumbs up, the YOU GO GIRL!

She drags Brain to her bed and BAM! Goes at it!

As we watch on as a family ( I know weird) there is giggling, red faces and cringing on my behalf.

Son #3 yells "DOGGIE STYLE!" Son #2 chimes in "Mom, Lulu is 69'ing poor Brain" Technically they were right.

That's it! The Hubs puts his foot down and makes us all leave the room and giver her some privacy, after all she is his little girl.

So Brian, I am sorry Lulu hit it and quit it.

Proof of the Crazy

The set up:

I was a young teenage girl, skinny with flowing straight light colored hair (white girl hair,) I was also bullied and tortured in school. Why? Because I was a genius! A math and science geek! If you haven't figured it out, this was a dream. Any who...I devised a plan for revenge- it involved stealing chemical warfare and dynamite. What? Yeah I know... then on a school field trip, to some caves (how convenient.) I dump the chemicals and blow up the mouth of the cave- therefore trapping and killing everyone inside! Violent much?

Now for the spy portion- I was also supposed to be in the cave- so I needed a new identity. I cut my hair super short and donned some boy jeans and a plaid shirt- an voila, I was a boy, very much like in Hilary Swank "Boys Don't Cry".

The hot part of the dream- Part of my new identity is being James Franco's male roommate- however we are really lovers *SCORE* We were so happy while it lasted!

The nightmare portion- I come home early to find my man James Franco making out with a voluptuous tall Latina- Sophia Vergara type- oh the horror! In true soap opera style I yell over and over "what does she have that I don't have"

Freaky portion- She whips open her wrap dress and has some big ole hairy man junk! AHHHHH! That's what she had that I didn't have.

Just then Lulu wakens me to go pipi at 3am- I was happy she did so-Back to sleep

Lucid dream- my true talent- when I go back to sleep- the penis having Sophia Vergara is gone- James Franco and I are happily married and Lulu has just had puppies!

Yes, best dream ever.

3 wise men?

Today is Three Kings Day, the day the Magi arrived or the Epiphany, having lived in Latin America and having worked for a Catholic School, I have celebrated this day many times over.

However, this year, I sit at home watching Hoda and Kathie Lee, looking for a new job on-line (yeah, because there ARE tons of jobs out there) and waiting for the Alarm company to show up and install an alarm system, in my recently burglarized home.

I have not blogged in a long time, I have a bad case of the BLAH'S and if you know me, well, sometimes my BLAH's are rather severe.

I will be catching up with you all soon, and telling you all about the horrible, hysterical things that have been going on in my life.

But for today, 3 kings day I leave you with this greeting card that my friend and neighbor Mary (the coolest Senior Citizen I know!) sent me:

When Men bake

If my husband could or would bake, I am sure this is what the final product would look like:

For one exception- they would be HUGE, as we all know: My Man likes BIG BUTTS and arroz con pollo thighs....