Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Birthday MONEY!!!

So as you may remember my Birthday was back in February, but I have just now decided what to do with my BIRTHDAY MONEY!
I mentioned this to THE HUBS last week and his response "um, you've already spent that money like 3 times over"
HAVE NOT!!!!!- I screamed
Which he responded to- the GPS for your car, Full Moon Sleigh Ride and Dinner at the Devils Thumb Ranch in Colorado, wait the WHOLE ski trip for that matter.
The only appropriate response to his asinine allegations was SHUT UP!!!

So, here is my BIG plan with my Birthday money.
I was at an Art Festival in Mount Dora a few months back and saw a fabulous painting, I just loved it, this is it:
I don't know if you can tell, but the woman's skirt is made from real cloth. I love all of the artist's works, something about them caught my eye. All the women in the paintings were beautiful, womanly, delicate, strong and feminine, the perfect balance. Besides almost all of them had animals in them, and of those most were dogs...and well, you all know how I feel about my Little Lulu- the most gorgeous baby (you might call her a dog) on the face of the Earth.

Here is one of her doggie painting-OMG- I just ADORE them!

Well La Pequena Lulu's Birthday is coming up: May 5th, yes she is such a Latina lovely, so to commemorate our first year together, we will be commissioning a portrait by the amazing: Gena Semenov. Click on her name to see all her works, she sells prints on-line and they are truly fabulous!

This is the BEST idea I have EVER had!

Friday, April 24, 2009

One Fine Doctor!

Hey Chickie's! I finally got a surgery date: May 19!

My Doctor set it all up and I am happy to be moving forward.

He tells me that the other specialist who will be operating on my is Dr. Nieto, some guy I have never met.

Today I decided to do a little research and see who this other guy who is going to be seeing me passed out naked on a metal table is...OMG!

He is DAMN fine! Noooooooooooooooooo, why did I look him up!?! Now when I meet him I will be blushing and giggling like a school girl! How humiliating.... Oh yeah and he speaks Spanish, so what if while I'm under I'm all like "ay, doctorcito que lindo es usted" Ay Dios MIO!

I'm sure THE HUBS will love this one!

On the bright side I will think of him staring at me naked while on the Operating table mumbling "Who is this damn heffer I am operating on" And so girls, this is my NEW and IMPROVED weight loss plan!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Susan Boyle- ready for the hate mail

OK....I don't mean to be a bitch, but, well, that's just the way I am, I mean a bitch.

Yes, she has an amazing VOICE.

BUT, when I see her this is what I want to do (in no particular order)

  • wax her upper lip

  • tame her eye brows

  • get her a good bra

  • color her hair

  • put some make up on her

  • get her a decent hair do

I am not talking plastic surgery or even making her dress like Lady Ga-Ga for goodness sake, I am talking about taking interest in your appearance. I'm sorry, it is my gut reaction when I see her.

Also, I am just putting it out there, I knew a guy who was 27 and a virgin and I thought it was creepy. Being a 48 year old woman who has never been kissed, just doesn't sound right to me.

I know 2 nuns and they both had boyfriends before they became Nuns, even they used to mess around!!!

So, do you think I am wrong? Am a sipping on the Haterade?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Shot Gun Wedding!

There was nothing funny leading up to my wedding. Really, I was 18 and was supposed to be packing to go to Emerson College in Boston, not getting married in El Salvador (where my parents were stationed at the time) to a Guatemalan, who was 23 and my parents had met once before we told them I was pregnant. Not fun, not funny....after much crying and fighting, the parents agreed that I would marry. At City Hall, no celebration. I cried some more. OK, at a Church, no celebration, you can't wear white (my Mother's words) I cried and threw up (the morning sickness was killing me) FINE! In a Church, in a dress, small reception at the house. And so it was. I knew that everyone thought it was a joke, I knew everyone thought I would have a "real" wedding in 5 or more years down the road (with a kid from a previous relationship.) One of my sisters didn't even come! People just didn't think it was happening or maybe thought it was like when I wanted to learn Karate (lasted 2 weeks) or maybe when I wanted to learn piano (last 2 months) they thought I was a kid. Yes, I was 18, but you know what, so was my Mom when she got married and she has been married for 50 years.

So, guess what, it was my only wedding, it was my real wedding, August 31, 1990. My wedding was what I could plan in 3 weeks with $2000, so it wasn't much, but I dream of re-newing our vows with a crazy, fairy tale wedding surrounded by all our friends and family! The actual wedding was pretty funny, as are most events in my are some highlights:

  • I was sick as a dog with the flu and was too afraid to take any medicine, because I was preggers.

  • By the last fitting the dress barley fit, I had to wear this contraption under it that had wire and spandex, it was so bad I could not sit down. The fact that my unborn child survived those undergarments is a miracle itself!

  • My husband was late to Church, it was his sister's fault, they were sharing a ride and she is late to EVERYTHING.
  • I had to keep circling around and around in the car waiting for him to arrive and get to the altar before I could get out. My Dad got out of the car and went to find out what was going on. My God Father got in the car. His name is "Guido" and it suits him perfectly. He offered to maim my future husband several times, actually maim was the best case scenario in his eyes. To this day, I don't think he was kidding.
  • I cursed him out at the alter and pinched him hard. He was so apologetic.
  • There is a rosary that has been in my husbands family for generations, it is placed around the couple to bind you together (some people do a ribbon or rope.) The HUBS has big ears and when my cousin Lisa placed it around us she left one end dangling on the Hubs ear! Everyone laughed (see picture below)

  • When the priest asked my husband the I DO part, a pack of street dogs started howling in front of the Church, like a bad movie. Everyone laughed.

  • The party was mostly my parents and their friends and they all got wasted, some ended up in the pond in the back yard. I was stone cold sober and had the worst flu ever.

  • When we got to the Hotel Room, we ordered hot tea, lemon juice, saline water and cold medicine from room service (HUBS was sick too) We took it and went to bed.

  • At 3 am our friends were pounding on the hotel room door (to this day I don't know how they figured out where we were) They are yelling stupid stuff like- What are you doing in there? You getting it on? Needs some condoms...hahaha, guess not!

  • At 3:03am, I called Security and said that some crazy people were in the hall, and went back to sleep.

My father walked me down the aisle

The rosary stuck on over sized ear.

In parents backyard after the wedding.

Leaving my parents house for the hotel.

Our 20th wedding anniversary will be on 8/31/2010, I may have a 80's theme re-newal of the vows, very "Wedding Singer", y'all can come fo 'sho!

Thanks for the memories and your wedding carnival, Three Boy- One Mommy!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Is this wrong?

Is it wrong that the moment I saw this picture all I could think about was:

OMG, that is my dream hair do! Since I was a little girl, this is the exact color and hair style I had in all my maybe a slight obsession with Rita Hayworth..., this is the link to the artist who created the pic.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Forever Awkward

It seems that these Totally Awkward Tuesdays- created by TOVA Darling, well are an endless source of posts for me. I say this, because I am never short on awkward stories.
Junior Prom, my best friend was a senior and I spent the night at her house, since we were going to stay out all night and head to the Senior breakfast at some one's house. I went to a very small school, in my Junior grade there were 25 students, and I was considered an "honorary" senior because of my bestie.
We all had different dates and plans, but we were going to meet up at a designated point, to spend the wee hours together (just girls) and then head to the breakfast. My date had borrowed his Dad's car to be all fancy and take me to the prom. It was a Porsche and he was very worried about anything happening to it. There was a ton of drinking that night. I mean a ton. Let me remind you this want in the States, it wasn't completely legal, but not exactly illegal, and very socially acceptable. After the Prom and before the after Party we stopped at a gas station, as my date wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. I waited in the car.
I started to feel sick, dizzy, woozy, head spinning...quick, quick, open my door so I can stick my head out...I couldn't find the latch to open the door, the trow up was creeping up. I thought of the car and it stinking of puke...OMG, what could I do???
I pulled up my dress and threw up in it. It was a mess. I figured out how to open the damn door. I went to gas station bathroom and cleaned up. It had gotten all over me. I gave my date and abbreviated version, asked him to drive me back to the prom to get my BFF's keys so I could go to her house and change and then we could all meet up at the after party.
My BFF handed over the keys no questions asked, I went to her house showered and changed and went to the after party. To this day, my BFF doesn't believe me 100%, she has gotten it to her head that I was up to "no good" on Prom night (what a cliche!) I mean really, like puking in your dress is less embarrassing than getting busy?
This is how our convo about that night goes every time-
Char- so why did you need the keys to my house
ME- um, I had to change, I had puke on me
Char- why did you take a shower?
ME- I HAD puke on me
Char- What took you so long?
ME-OMG- I had puke on Meeeeeeeeee
Char- a-huh (raising her eyebrows)
Which is more awkward- throwing up in your dress or your bestie thinking you're sluting it up! tell me?!

Monday, April 13, 2009

My "thing" with Bunnies

I know everyone love bunnies, furry, cute, cuddly, not so much.
This is one of those stories that people NEVER believe. In fact my kids tell it to their friends and the friends don't believe it either. Eventually they come over to the house and make me "show" them the evidence.
The story goes....
It was Carolyn Bloom's birthday and she had a slumber party. My middle sis, had spent the night at her house and now I tagged along with my Mom to pick up my sis at the Bloom's. My Mom settled in the kitchen with Mrs. Bloom and I went outside to play with the big girls. I think I was six, and am pretty sure the big girls we all about 12. They started a game of follow the leader. I was the last in line of the game. It was cold, there was snow on the ground, I'm sure Mrs. Bloom was sick of having 10- 12 year old girls in her house and made everyone go outside and stay ouside.
Carolyn led the game...
Hop on one foot...
Walk across a log...
Skip between the swings...
Put your finger inside the bunny cage and touch the bunnies frozen water...
As I shoved my right pointer in the cage, it seems the bunny had just had it's fill of little girls invading her space. She had also just had a bunch of little bunny babies and was very protective. The Mama bunny chomped down on my little itty bitty finger. I reacted and yanked my finger out of the cage. Something flew up in the air behind me. I howled, blood gushed out my throbbing finger. I was pulled in the kitchen with the mothers. Mrs. Bloom ran my finger under the kitchen faucet, then a dish rag was wrapped around my finger, then in slow motion she yelled at the other girls:
Go get the piece of her finger- WHAT?!? Yep, a chunk of my finger was missing. Thank God, it had snowed, the blood made it easy to find. They packed it in ice and off I went to the hospital with my Mom. They sewed it back on and all was good. Well, if you count having a crooked finger with a nail that is a funny shape and grows pointing to the right, good, then it was all good.
Look at you fingers, they are sectioned off in the 3 parts. The rascally rabbit took 1/2 of the top 1/3. The lines of the stitches are visible, thus being good proof of my story.
So in honor of Easter and funny bunnies and scary bunnies as well, click here to see the awful rabbits brought to us by Cake Wrecks.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

10- LBS the HARD Evidence

Here is the photographic evidence of the 10 pounds weight gain. Exhibit A- is a picture of me on January 1, 2009, inebriated and dancing my ass off, demonstrating the ever popular "Jazz Hands/Spirit Fingers" yes, the day after New Years- I didn't inspire the Song "My Girl likes to Party all the time" by sitting my ass at home!

Look at my boobs in Exhibit A
Exhibit A

Exhibit B
OMG! Look at my boobs! and my neck! 10 lbs! 10 pooooooooooooooounds!
I rest my case.

Cheaper than Therapy, is responsible for the brazilliantness that is Worth a 1000 Words Thursday!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

150- Celebration = Q & A- Fat Chick Style

Oh yeah, by the way, I will no longer call myself Former Fat Chick until I can fit my FAT ASS in to those DAMN jeans...hmmmm, angry much?

Today I am celebrating 150 followers! Yeah-hoo-ah! I have a total of 150 followers! I can't believe it!

So in celebration I have decided to respond to some of your unanswered questions, mostly they have been unanswered because I have been lazy, fat and lazy, lovely qualities...

From news to oldest:

Was the lap band worth it?

HELL TO THE YEAH! Only 2% of people end up like me (with that piece of shit band inside your stomach)

But it could have been fatal?

I am alive and still weigh 90lbs less, if I had died, I would have been a very happy size 10 dead lady. At a size 22 I was unhappy and just as close to death. Unless you have been at least 100lbs overweight (not 10 you skinny ho) you are NOT allowed to judge me. If you are 100lbs overweight and you say you are HAPPY, sorry, you are a liar.

What is a Tahitian Wax?
EX: bikini wax is only the hair that lies directly on the edge of the panty line, tahitian makes the hair look like a little triangle, compared to a little piece of pie, and the brazilian has a landing strip--the playboy is all the hair is gone!

Are you really 21?

Only in my mind...I was actually born in 1972, I am 37, and contrary to popular belief I was not 3 when I had my first Hairy, I was 19.

Do you ever by new shoes and when he sees you wear them for the first time say, But I've had these for like, three years!
No, I buy 2 at a time. I then I tell him I bought them at Payless and it was BOGO! ha-ha I mean really, what the hell does he know!

That's it for now...anymore questions?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Akward! so, so, so akward...

This story doesn't really belong to me, but hey, this is my rule:
If you tell me something and don't specifically tell me not to tell another living soul, then know it's going to be BROADCAST. They haven't called me the Mouth of the South for 12 years for nothing!
***disclaimer, I have to let you know that if you do tell me it's a secret, I am really good and will never tell anyone (except maybe the HUBS)
OK...moving on the the awesome awkwardness....
The other day I saw a post on a Facebook group page form one of my old High School's. It was from girl who's Mom had been a teacher at the school and was asking us if we had any memories of her Mother. You see, her Mother was killed by the DC Sniper years back (horrifying and tragic) and now this young lady had a son who had never met his Granma and he was fascinated with stories about her. She was an amazing woman with an adventurous soul, she was one of my teachers in Guatemala, as well as my Drama coach.
She was divorced when she was my teacher, but told me about one time she had gone to visit her husband at a Military base. She went to the locker room and changed and walked out to the pool, totally strutting her stuff. She was HOT! She said all the guys were looking at her, not one could take their eyes off her! In her mind she said she was sure it was because there were almost no women on the base, but DAMN, she must be looking fine. When she had walked all the way around the huge pool and reached her husband, he quickly whispered in her ear....honey, half your ho-ha is hanging out.
AHHHHHHH! That is one of the worst one's I have heard! Totally Awkward! Also, I was 14 when she told me this story (no, I can't remember where we were or why this came up!) but it was extremely awkward to have a teacher tell you a story about her coochie hanging out. So it was doubly awkward.
Now, this is not the story I will tell her daughter when I relay stories I remember of her Mom. She was a great woman & teacher. I traveled with her to Honduras for Drama Competitions, went with her camping to Mayan Ruins & saw Hailey's comet while being chaperoned by her. She was fun and personable, and in no way a push over as a teacher.
She had re-married, had beat cancer and was expecting a grandchild when she was killed. Her last name had changed and almost 20 years had gone by, but when her faced flashed on CNN with the awful news, I recognized her smile immediately. Many of us (her students) communicated via e-mail that day, all in shock and saddened by the news, over all the consensus was...She was a great lady! Cheers Linda, I think you would have laughed at this post!

Thank you Tova Darling!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Mumu's R Us- HERE I COME!

I have a confession to make....remember those size 8 jeans I bought the week after Christmas, you know the one's I called my Christmas Miracle....well, they DON'T FIT ANYMORE! Why? Because Former Fat Chick, yeah that's me- well, I gained 10 lbs! 10lbs from Christmas 'till now? I am so confused? How did I loose weight from Halloween through Thanksgiving, through Christmas to New Years?! All I did for that entire time was stuff my face AND drink like an EFFing fish!
Here's the deal, my fatal condition, is all to blame. The first week of May I am going under and they are removing my lap band, which has been helping me loose weight consistently for the last 7 years. It has not been working for quite some time now, hence the weight gain.

Even if I were to seek and alternate surgical procedure, I would have to wait 6 months for my tore up stomach to heal, oh yeah and I would have to have $15,000 to spend on it, since my insurance won't even talk about it with my surgeon.

Apparently, are you siting down? No hard stuff around you, 'cause you surely will fall out your, I am going to HAVE to DIET & EXERCISE! What the FRENCH! Me....yeah, like that shiz is gonna work...maybe I should start asking for money, like that chick who wants a nice wedding and asks for mula, only I will post my before and after pictures and ask people to donate to help me from becoming a BIG FAT Momma again....I have pictures of my fat ass that will make blind men cringe, I am sure I can devise a plan of extorting money for not tourturing people with the cottage cheeseyness of my former saddle bags.

So, I have started eating healthier, and I having started walking my dog (she doesn't know what the hell is going on, she's pretty annoyed I am pushing her out of bed in the am to walk) I only had 3 drinks the WHOLE weekend, but here is the cornerstone of my plan:

I have always gotten rid of clothing the minute they are a little to big, as not to have any "comfortable fat" clothes. So right now, everything is VERY tight. And I have refused to buy any clothes, however i found this dress on-line, and I am going to buy it!

If I gain 1 more pound I am going to have to wear it and I will wear that damn dress every day until I lose some weight and something else fits me...

Here's the dress, what do you think? Will it work? Wanna send me some money?
This dress is all sort of wrong....if you own the same one, OMG, I am sorry I offended you , but you may need a wardrobe makeover. And if you are the women in the picture, I am sorry they made you wear that dress, and I am sorry I am too stupid and lazy to figure out how to black your head out, further humiliating you.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Lana-sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

Part 2-

I wasn't going to leave you all hanging over the weekend, so here is the exciting conclusion too my bikini wax.
I hop up on the table and she starts making me get in all these yoga positions and telling me, OK, you grab here, hold here. I was literally an active participant of my own torture.
This went on for like what seemed an eternity and every time I was just about to pull the plug and say, NO MORE! I would look up at her and she would give me a big smile and 2 thumbs up! OMG, I had to stifle my laughter every time! It was like looking up at Mr. Miagi with a wig and lipstick and then she would say " You doin good, You doin so good!"Always with a HUGE smile on her face. I am sure I caught her enjoying herself, every time I cringed or writhed in pain.
What did she mean I was doing a good job? What was I doing? Beside not crying out in pain, as to not run off the customers just outside the door. Just then my cell phone, which is on the counter rings and she passes it to me.
I just stare at her. I AM NOT one of those people who are cell phone crazy, you know the ones you can hear chatting while they are using a toilet in a public restroom?
Lana: Go ahead, it's Ok, you tlak on the phone.
And since it seems that I doing EVERYTHING this woman tells me to do today, I answer. Of course it's THE HUBS, I mean really, who else calls me 300 times a day (only the boys, when they need $$$ or a ride.)
Me: Hello
Apparently just the HELLO had conveyed that I was in EXTREME pain and distress, he has heard that tone of voice a few times, which are always followed by trips to the ER.
Me: I am getting waxed, and it's hurts like a MOFO!
He did not call back. He wants nothing to do with that sort of thing, he only likes to reap the benefits.
She finished the waxing and took to me with tweezers making sure she got every stray! By that time, I was sure I was in shock as I felt nothing.
Well, soon enough it was over, she slapped some talcum power on me and sent me on my way. And that my friend is the story of Lana my new wax lady.
* to answer a few questions (I don't want to be too graphic, what if a creepy guy is reading this, EWW~ or worse if the HUBS sees it, he'll just die!)
  • I can not shave, it irritates my skin to no degree, so does waxing, but it goes away within hours
  • I don't wax EVERYTHING
  • I don't even do the Brazilian
  • I do the Tahitian (not as drastic) - look it up, cause I am not making a diagram of my privates.

I do have another waxing story, I will post it soon, but it doesn't involve's about a place called THE DUNGEON in South Beach- Toddles chicas-

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

You HAVE to see this! I command you

My assistant was laughing her ass off when I got back from lunch today. In fact she was laughing so hard, she couldn't tell me what it was about, I got the link via e-mail a minute later.

Woman locked in car calls 911- click here.

The audio for the call is under the article under related links: Audio.

This is just down the street from where I work, really, I am going to start bringing my lunch to work. I mean this woman is obviously too stupid to be operating a motor vehicle. Also, how on earth does the operator not crack up and say "DUMBASS!" at the end of the call... really, that woman has self-control and should get some sort of a medal and a raise.

Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

This may be a two part post, so settle in ladies....
Oh, and if you are a MAN, you have no business reading this, really, unless you are a gay man, and then Honey, you know what I'm talking about when I tell you of my misadventures in body waxing!
I have lived in Orlando for 2 and half years and 'till this day I have not found a really good salon to get waxed at. Let me tell you, Miami is the bikini wax capital of the United States, and there resides the best bikini waxer in the world, Annie at Uni-K Wax. My bond with this woman is strong, for years she took care of me, with patience and her gentle hands. I have my suspicion that the wax at Uni-K was infused with a little bit of lidocaine, because I am telling you it really didn't hurt. How well did Annie know me? When I skipped my appointment and came in a few weeks later, she would tsk, tsk, tsk while yanking at my panties and always say "Poor Jose, poor Jose!" The bitch felt sorry for the HUBS having to sleep with Chewbacca! I would always reply: Shut up Annie, he's lucky to get a piece of this! and then we would both cackle away while she ripped every hair from my body from my waist down....ahhhh, good times.
Then I moved, and well, the area I live in Orlando is predominantly white and waxing does not seem as common as with Hispanic women. My theory is.... well, white women just have a LOT less hair, hence less drastic measures of hair removal are called for, whatever, I can't get a good wax people!
I have tried a whole bunch of places, I even got up and walked out of one place in the middle of the wax (yes, I left lopsided) because the woman clearly had NO idea what she was doing and didn't understand a word of English or Spanish and well, it was just down right dangerous at one point. I mean HELLO, she is wielding a Popsicle stick with burning hot wax at your precious coochie! So I said "move bitch, get out the way, get out the way" pulled my shorts on a walked away.
You all remember my trip to Colorado a few weeks back, well I envisioned my self in a Hot Tub next to the snow, which could only mean one thing- bathing suit, which meant BIKINI WAX TIME.
I made and appointment for a mani/pedi/and a wax with Lana at Sunshine nails, oh Lana, they really should just call her Nurse Ratched and get it over with. She seemed nice enough during the mani, very efficient, hmmmm. We moved on to the giant massage chair for the pedicure. Of course I felt like the Jolly Green Giant flopping my big feet towering over her as I follow her svelte under 5 foot frame to the pedi station. She was like a little porcelain Asian doll, very still while I soaked my feet in the hot water. Then she grabbed my foot and went to town. She was a digger, a poker, and real picker. You all know what I mean. Sometimes you get a pedicure that you think, I could have done that! All they did to you was soak, rub cream on you and paint your toes. BUT sometimes you get a Picker. Oh, they take forever and get up all in there and get the job done, they practically sand your heels to the bone. Awesome, I felt like I was getting my money's smug, forgetting that this was the woman who was going to wax me.
I waddle back to the wax room, with those rubber things spreading my toes apart, my hands in the air, just in case my nails were still wet. Tiny Lana follows me, carrying my purse and ratty flip flops. She hangs my stuff up and turns to me:
Lana: I undress you, no mess up nails.
OK- nothing like having a complete stranger pull your jeans off, specially when your sober! haha! That was a joke PEOPLE!
Lana: I take you panties, itsa better, that way they no get ruined, they sooooo pretty.
I must say that I have a thing with buying ridiculous lacy panties, I think it stems from having to wear giant cotton tents when I was HUGE. Now I buy ridiculous underwear that really are just for show and should never been worn out your house. If I ever was in an accident and they ripped my clothes of in the ER, they probably would think I was a.) the heir to Fredrick's of Hollywood b.) a fat lingerie model c.) a thieving Victoria's Secret employee.
Me: Um, OK.
Now, if I wasn't the accidental exhibitionist that I am, this probably would have been a big RED flag. But, I was leaving to Colorado in the morning and well, honey, something had to be done to that garden of Eden, it had grown way out of control! I mean really the poor HUBS was paying for a nice vacation, he should get something in return.
Stay tuned for part DEUX of- Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician