Thursday, August 26, 2010

Texts from last night

I am sure many of you have heard or even visited the site- texts from last night. It is basically a compilation of texts that college kids, 20 somethings, singles send each other in an inebriated state. Yeah, I know, not that funny when you are 38, have kids, are married and have every other responsibility there is to have in the world.

Well, not really funny until last night. Last night you ask? Yes, last night was a GNO (for those you don't speak the lingo- Girls Night Out) Well, since I have been on this killer diet and not had a drink in forever, my plan was to have 2 cocktails and tuna tataki at dinner, that was it.

Suffice to say- THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN! The plan was to meet at my house at 7 and all go from there. Some people were late (I blame the night on them) 2 bottles of wine were polished off before we even left the house at 9:30. There were 5 of us and 1 was the designated driver, you do the math. I had 1 drink with dinner, but by that point I had already texted my GF (who was working) "I'm wated" that's drunky for wasted. Her response- YESSSSSSS! That's how we roll.

We then went to the bar across the street, it was packed, the music sucked and it was full of weird men and young bimbos. We had an awesome time. At some point we, started texting one of the girls husbands.

A lot of "we're totally wasted MOFO" and a little "get ready for ur horny wife f*cker" that sort of intellectual banter, I am so famous for. He of course, replied all sorts of silliness to us and egged us on, most of which I CAN NOT put here!

The funny lies in 2 particular texts.

first at 1:15 to the GF's hubs (and I have no idea why this phrase was sent) "your wife loves my hoohaa"

second text was sent by the also inebriated GF all on her own "ur bitch be krzy" which makes no sense at all because she was talking about herself at that point. However, she did NOT send it to her husband, she sent it to someone who has the same fist name as her husband. Someone I work with, some one who is married- yeah, married to a woman that does not particularly like me.

Same name guy from worked called me this morning and I had to explain- how is it that the kids say- EPIC FAIL!!! Thankfully he laughed, and was smart enough to see my story was true (really hard to believe- me drinking!? never!) As far as his wife- wateve.

When the GF finally got home and rolled into bed, waking her hubs to the promised drunk wife hornyness, he asked:

What is a HOOHA?

Bwa-hahahaha- her reply- is a *meow* stupid. you know the word, I don't use it, that why I say hooha.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Introducing Snazzy Napper!

Ladies and Blog readers, I present to you to most insane item since the Snuggie for your dog!

The Snazzy Napper! You are supposed to tie this thing that looks like a blanket with a hole for your nose around your head to sleep privately in public. I personally have no problem zonking out anywhere, mouth open, head bobbing, drool a flowing, I just don't give a shit. I do however carry a pretty pink silk sleep mask with me on flights, mostly to look cute. Now there are small ones and then large ones that look like a tent for men and a burka for women. WHAT SORT OF FREAK would wear that in public? Wait....what sort of freak would wear that in their bedroom? Don't answer...freaks.

Friday, August 20, 2010

What the boys think about Twilight

When I say the boys, I mean the 22 year old, the 19 year old and the 18 year- oh yeah, and especially the HUBS...

Friday, August 13, 2010

How my BLOG = $2000

The day my husband left town and took my car, his car decided to SCREW ME OVER. As I left my office at 5:40pm in the 104 degree heat. I insert the "key" the kind that are square electric things and push in (this usually starts the car.) Nothing. Try again. ZIP. Again. ZERO. Again. ZILCH. One last time. NADA.

I try to pull the key out- the car won't let it go. I pull, I pry, I use a pen from my purse to try and use it as a lever to pop it out (I am totally crafty like that.) NOTHING.

I leave the key in the car I go up to my office (everyone is gone by that time) I Google key stuck car won't start with the model of the car. All these suggestions come up, I read them, I go down and try them all. Wiggle the wheel, hit the brake and push the shift button 3 times. NO WORKY. I call the roadside assistance, they will be here in an hour. I have to be there when they show up- super long story short I get home at 9pm. Not fun.

Oh wait, the awesome news is that the car is JUST out of warranty. I call the dealer the next day. They call me back at 5pm on Friday to say it will be $1500, something about 2 computers in the steering column, but they are going to give me a loaner to help me out. I pick up the loaner on Saturday, and tell them to fix the car, I mean really, what other option is there?

They call me Tuesday, still not fixed, but, some other computer thingy is screwed up and it's another $500. OK, fix it. Wednesday morning I call the car manufacturer-speak to a customer service rep and tell her the whole story, including how much we paid for that car (an obscene amount) and then I drop 2 very interesting tid bits

  1. I goggled steering wheel problems with the car year and model (tons of complaints) and there was even someone soliciting info for a class action lawsuit. Go figure.
  2. I am a "blogger" and I truly understand the power of on-line complaining and how 1 unhappy customer can have a domino effect, blah, blah, blah.
She asked me to give her 1 day and she would call me back and let me know if and what she could do for me. Fair enough.

She calls back Thursday, she does not have an answer yet, asks for 1 more day. Fine. I had been a sweetheart until this point, but boy was I ready to get down and dirty over this one.

By the way, the car was still not ready yet. She calls me Friday afternoon and tells me they will cover EVERYTHING. Not some, not half- EVERYTHING! I was blown away.

For a moment I thought of keeping this INFO to myself and pocketing the $2000- how would my husband ever know? I could have bought something extravagant, like diamond earrings and tell them the were FAKE, if he ever asked! bwa-hahaha- but then I didn't, I am such a good wife.

The car was finally ready on Tuesday, after 13 days. When I picked it up and returned the FREE loaner, the tech told me: Ma'am I am not sure what you said, but I have NEVER seen them pick up the tab for anyone!

Hurray for me, hurray for my blog, hurray from smart mama power!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Need $500?

Could you use $500 worth of new clothes?

Check out my new post on how!

Show me the MONEY!