Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Hug me MORE!!!

Here are some product reviews of the Man Arm pillow- some are jokes (very funny ones) and other are just sad.....but so funny!!

See post below on the AMAZING MAN ARM Pillow if you are confused!

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Wow!, Dec 15, 2008
I LOVE the hug-me pillow. I sleep with 5 of them, it makes me feel like i'm in bed with a whole family.I've always felt there was something missing in my life, a void. I can't explain it but I now feel like one complete person. thank you hug me pillow!

Overall Rating: 4 out of 5It makes me feel whole, Dec 10, 2008
For the nights when I am alone and the simple pleasures of life are not enough. This lonely arm brings me the love that I need. I come home and it greets me, it cooks me dinner, it loves me the way no one could ever love me. His grip is tight and his love is true. His hand holds me tight and I never want to let go. I would not give this gift a negative review. I love itFor those of you who are lonely single and need a mans touch please consider this product it has done wonders for my life.

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Keeps me company!, Jun 7, 2006
I bought this pillow to keep my company on nights when my husband, a correspondent for the Trans-Alaskan News Network, was out of town. The pillow exceeded even my wildest expectations. I'm told the pillow was modeled after Brad Pitt, and I believe it! When I first nestled against the soft, but firm chest of my new "husband" I slept better than I ever had before. Now I don't mind when my husband goes out of town!

Overall Rating: 4 out of 5When you miss your man, Feb 27, 2008
There's nothing that beats this little doll when you miss your man, and you need the comfort and security of feeling that there's someone there to hold you. I can even dress him up in different outfits. High five squishy half mannequin man, high five!

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Snuggle-tastic, Jul 31, 2006
I have to admit that when I first saw the Hug Me Pillow lying on my bed, it looked a little creepy. This feling vanished though as soon as I turned out the lights and snuggled up to it. Since the passing of my partner, the bed often seems like a vast wasteland. Thank you Hug Me Pillow, for comforting me during the lonley nights.

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Accountability At A Bargain Price...!, Jul 18, 2006 By SleeplessButGodly from Virginia
For those of us committed to staying sexually pure and who still want to feel loved at night, this is a Godsend...!! And my compliments to the designers for not making it too "anatomically correct." I can sleep without temptation! Praise the Lord!!!

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Feb 1, 1900 By Anonymous from Endicott/NY
I had never spooned before until i recieved my new fluffy companion. What a find!


I saw this for sale on-line today...REALLY?!? Who would buy this?

If this were me the caption would say: Why is this DUMMY trying to feel me up while I'm sleeping!?
This is the product description:

Hug Me Pillow
Compare at: $44.95
Today's Price: $29.99
You Save:
$14.96 (33%)

The Hug Me pillow provides comfort as well as piece of mind-
WHAT the HELL? Piece of mind? Is he going to pay the bills? Change some diapers? Chase off intruders? Bring you cocktails so you don't have to wiggle your boobies at the bar to get a drink? I think NOT, I will keep my HUBS!
I know, I blog about beating him, about how he drive me crazy, about how lazy he is, but I like him, why else would I keep him around after AN ETERNITY (this is how I will now refer to the fact that I have been married for 18 years, and almost 5 months.)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Totally Akward

So as we have previously established Crazy is often hereditary, and in my case runs on both sides of the family. But my Mom, well, she is special. Special in so many ways...the best part is she has NO CLUE that she is so very special, which almost always makes it hilarious.
One day, we were sitting in a beauty salon reading Cosmo, the type of magazine you would NEVER find in my house. My parents are very much intellectuals, I think my love off reality tv, trash and kitsch is a straight rebellion of their intellectual upbringing of me.
We are sitting there getting our pedis when she blurts out "Boy! I better hurry up!"
My response of course is "HUH?"
Mom: This article says the average woman has sex with 3.4 partners in her lifetime- I'm in my 60's and I have only ever had sex with you Dad!
Now if I told you this was the first or the last time my Mother has tried to have awkward sex conversations with me...well that would be a big fat lie...but then again, it could be worse...I could have actually walked in on them....
Oh, TOVA DARLING, thanks you for embracing our awkwardness...

Monday, January 26, 2009

I found the KEY!

OK, so it only took me 18.5 years....but I found the key to make my husband do ANYTHING! *wooo-hooo*

Right now, he is out buying me ice cream, he already did a load of laundry (who even freaking knew he knew how to use the washer) he has folded all his clothes, and mine and put them away, and he went to return the movie rental to Blockbuster! OMG, I am not sure it is actually my hubs, it could be an imposter! OK, here is the secret, you must get a Doctor to tell him this " If left untreated, this condition could become fatal"

The poor man, yes, yes, I know, it's even mean of me to make fun of him. But seriously, if I didn't need him to drive me home after the endoscopy, I would have never relayed the information in that manner. It would have been more like: some stuff got screwed up with the lap-band, they have to go in and fix it. But since they put you under for when the shove the camera down your throat, you need a driver. Hence, many less house duties for me and much more ice cream! On the shit side of that coin, I have to have surgery ASAP... blah...and not to be superficial or anything, because HEALTH come first, blah, blah, blah....I could go back here FATSVILLE. *waaaaaaaaaa*

Friday, January 23, 2009

Look Mom a NAKED Man!

I think I was in the First Grade, my sisters went to school that day, but I must have had a teacher’s work day, and got to stay home. My Mother had obviously forgotten that I had no school, and with both my sisters at school, had not babysitter. That day in particular she had a test in one of her Art Classes, and she simply could not miss it.....What to do, what to do.
She packed some snacks, paper dolls, coloring books, a blanket and some toys. She told me that she was taking me to class at the University with her, but I must be very quiet and well behaved. I was so excited! She explained to me that there would be other people in the class, it was a drawing class and very important. She said sometimes they drew fruit or chairs, but today they would have a live person to draw and it was a big part of her grade, again emphasizing that I must be a good girl.
She sits at her easel and sets me up behind her on the blanket. I quickly got to my business of paper dolls and coloring books, looking up when the door opened to see the “model” walk in. He was tall, had dark curly hair and was wearing a white robe. He stood up on a round wood structure, so that the whole class could get a look at him, and draw him. There was a circle of easels with students at each easel looking up at this man, and then there was me, sitting on a blanket. I was staring at him, just like everyone else in the room, and then he took off the robe. There he was in all his glory, naked as the day he was born and there I was staring up at him. I quietly moved closer to my mother, got up on and whispered in her ear “Mommy, that man is naked!” she didn’t even turn around, she simply whispered back to me “No, honey, he’s nude.”
Now you’d think, she would have explained beforehand that I would be seeing my first naked man that day, but maybe she thought I just wouldn’t notice, I will say this in my Mother’s defense, it was the 70’s!
So now you know not only that I AM CRAZY, but girls, I come from a long line of CRAZY….next time,my Granma and her past life as a violin player.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

One Thousand Words...

This is my baby, Little Lulu, she thinks she is a 4 pound lap dog, she curls up in my lap in the car, on the sofa and sleeps in a "little" ball in the bed between her Mama and her Papa. But don't be fooled, she may look sweet, but you cross her and you will soon find out that just like her Mama she is a...
Oh yeah, she was digging her claws in to her Papa's back the other day and he rolled over to try and push her in to another one puts Baby in a corner, so she put his hand in her mouth...she didn't chomp down, she just let him wiggle his fingers and feel her giant chompers...he rolled over and went back to sleep. If the girls can live with his snoring, I guess he can live with a paw in his back...
As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Keep on keepin' on

I am sure many of you have already see this clip from the Ellen Show, but I swear to you, I almost lost my MIND I laughed so hard!

Mostly because I am sure this will be me at 84, only I will be ranting in English/ Spanish and worst of all Spanglish...ensuring most people at my nursing home will be baffled! Cause I drink a little too!

Watch it and WEEP or PEE, whateve!

Totally Akward

I am one of those people...if you were my friend you would know this, crazy sh*t happens to me all the time...I have gotten so used to it, that I don't even consider it awkward or's just sort of part of who I am: former fat chick.
I do however have a few moments that shine bright with embarrassment. My husband and I we visiting his sister and her husband for a week long vacation. The lived in a small apartment and had a new born, and it was a little too close for comfort, but we were young, and broke, and well, it was fine. During out vacation we got into a very big fight (I have no clue what about) but there was screaming and crying and well after hours there was some "making up" to do.
We couldn't go back to my sister-in-laws, everyone was there and the walls are paper thin, so of course we head to Motel Row. Motel Row is a street lined with "executive motels" discrete, hourly charge, motels, some have themed rooms: Roman tubs, columns and wall paintings of ancient Greece, others have mirrors everywhere and a round bed, whatever, you get my drift. You honk, garage door opens and you drive in, straight to you room where you pay through a little window, you never see anyone, no one ever sees you. WHAT!?! yes, you see, we live in a small city and everyone one knows everyone else, and if you are an "executive" on your "lunch" hour at the motel and someone drove by and saw your car, well then, you were busted, or if the attendant saw you face and his cousin was your wife's hairdresser, you're busted. If you are not from a small town, you may not understand the concept of everyone knowing your business.
As we go to leave the motel, our car wouldn't start. Oh, we tried to get that hunk of junk going, but nothing...the clock is ticking away and we are paying by the hour to try and start our car...finally my husband breaks down and says: we have to call for help. He picks up the phone and calls his sister's hubby- "the car won't start, can you come get me" * inaudible* " I am at the Omni Motel" *WITH WHO?!* I heard my brother in law yell through the phone !"my wife, former fat chick!" ha-ha, that was funny...
When my sister in law and her husband arrive to help we have to push the car out and on to the street, as cars whiz by we hear some teens yelling "we know what you were up to in there! hooooooooooooo's" the ooooooooooooooo's trail off as the drove away....oh the walk of shame...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Fila Tennis Shoes, Hickies & my friend

The longest I ever went to any one school was for 4 years, in fact, excluding my life after marriage, that is the longest I had ever lived in one country consecutively, Guatemala. I was in the Maya School from 8th to 11th grade; the High School consisted of 8th- 12th grade and had maybe 120 students. You knew everyone, not only knew them, you were friends, you knew their siblings, parents, had been to their houses, it was inevitable. Of the 120 students, 90% were foreigners. Our parents worked for one of the Embassies, Consulates, the UN, Charity or Multinational Company. We were multi-cultural, all races, religions, ethnicities, backgrounds, socio-economic levels, as different as you could imagine, we all had one thing in common: we were alone. We didn’t have cousins, or extended families, we didn’t have lifelong friends, or people we knew from the neighborhood, we had just arrived to this country because it was our parents job. That meant one thing: school was everything, and as for me, the friendships I made during those years are unforgettable.

Last Friday, I got an e-mail at work, one of our schoolmates had been very ill, and the e-mail asked that we all keep her in our thoughts and prayers; I sent the e-mail out to out the classmates that I thought would be interested, at 9:36 my friend Kike (a nick name for Enrique) replied from his blackberry. He remembered our school mate well, as we rode the bus together and said he would pray for her and her family in this difficult time. He then sent me hugs and that was it. He was killed by a thief while he sat in his car at 10:00 am, they took his watch, wallet and his cell phone, he was 35, he left behind a young wife and a baby girl.

At least three times a week Kike would come by my house after school, we would play video games, listen to CD’s (they were brand new back then) our we would walk to a nearby strip mall to buy candy or a soda. He had his eye on a pair of black Fila tennis shoes, that were the bomb back in the day, and we would walk all the way to Metro 15 (a mall) and look at them, ask their price, he would try them on and then we would walk home. On our way there he would tell me what he had heard the older guys say about me (his brother was a couple of years older) which to me was invaluable, he taught me how to give a hickie, we practiced on each other forearms, he taught me how to spit (don’t ask), we practiced flicking cigarettes across the street, and tried to make rings of smoke, as we laughed and coughed. I will never forget the day he showed up at my house with the money to go by those shoes, he was so excited! We walked briskly to the Mall; he clunked down his 500 Quetzals’, which in those days was about $70, a pretty penny. He had a big ole smile and his face as he laced them up and wore them out of the store. It was starting to get dark as we walked home, I could still see his smile but mostly I remember how he walked tall the whole way.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Barney makes me a HERO!

So in many circles this would not be considered the coolest thing ever, but if you have got a toddler, I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND! ha-ha! As many of you know I live in Orlando, and have annual passes to the Universal Parks, it just so happens that a buddy of mine from High School (in Guatemala, small world) plays the charter of Baby Bop in the live action Barney & Friends Show!

Every time a friend with a little kid goes to the Park, I go with them, when my friend "Baby Bop" is working and he makes a big deal during the show, waving and blowing kisses at us. Then after the show, while everyone files out of the auditorium to wait in line for a picture with Barney, we get to stay for a private meet and greet with Barney, Baby Bop & PJ. I love this, the little ones just about loose their minds! The literally shake they are so excited.
I was dragged into the show the fist time (I had my fair share of Barney overload when my kids were little.) I was pleasantly surprised and a little nostalgic. The show is great and looks just like on TV, the effects are cool, and the kids will crack you up. I love it how they are ecstatic to see Barney, they jump up and down and in the middle of the Show they just loose it and scream out "BARNEY!" Like crazy tweens at a Jonas Brother's Concert! ha-ha
So now you know the secret to my success with my girlfriends.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Worth a Thousand Words Thursday

This is me & the hubs on January 1st...suffering with a hangover, as I have explained before, I wasn't dead, just out & red bull: it's a terrible/wonderful thing.

He claims I actually begged God to stop the upchucking in return for never drinking again...

1.) this SO does not sound like me

2.) my rule: If you can't remember it happening, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

Besides that little misadventure, it hit me that I got married at 18 and we have been married 18 and a half this means I have lived with THE MAN, longer than I lived with my Mom & Dad, that is so weird!

You can all Thank Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

How I know I am CRAZY...

So I have mentioned before that I have a friend and former co-worker that I just simply ADORE. However she is a Psychologist, like for realz, that is probably why she is such a good listener, who I never feel judges me, hence my complete adoration of her. Every once in a while I will be telling her something and she gets a look on her face, she may ask me to repeat what I said or ask a follow up question to delve more in to the issue, and then, JUST THEN, I see it!

I see it in her eyes...THIS BITCH IS CRAZY, that's what her eyes are telling me! I sigh, because she is qualified and she should know!

These are a few examples of when I got that look.

Sane girl: Want some eggs
Crazy Me: Oh, I would love too, I love eggs but I can't eat them anymore.
Sane girl: Health reasons?
Crazy Me: HELL to the NAH, it's just every time I got to eat one I think of a chicken abortion and I get this gross mental image, and well, I just can't.
Sane girl: hmmm, interesting, was it always like this?
Crazy Me: Nope, I just started thinking about it randomly, it a new thing for me.
Sane girl: So, things like this happen to you frequently.
Crazy Me: sure, I can't swim in a pool at night, 'cause of sharks
Sane girl: alrighty then

Last week we went to dinner, with the Hubs and cocktails were heavily involved.

Sane girl: What is your drink?
Crazy ME: Vodka Tonic, double lime
Sane girl: Hubby (hottie, looks like Justin Timberlake!) drinks Gin & Tonic
Crazy ME: EWWW! I can't stand GIN, it tastes like OLD LADY PERFUME!
Sane girl: uh-huh
Crazy ME: YEAH! Every time I've tried it, I get this mental picture of a super old lady with blue hair and pancake make-up and then I'm licking her wrinkly old turkey neck and it tastes like old lady perfume!
Sane girl: *eyes pop out* Excuse me?
Crazy Me: I repeat myself, only this time I lean over and pretend to lick her neck (1. because I'm drunk 2. because she might be a little drunk too and needed the physical explanation of my mental picture!)
Sane girl: OK then *smile*

This was a recycled POST for FUNNY FRIDAY! I promise to post a new one next week.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Jealous Wife

I have been know to be Jealous....and a little irrational time and again...but THIS TAKES THE CAKE!

And yes, the man makes me CRAZY, and the reason we don't go to Salsa classes is because I do not like watching him dance with strange women. Not all women, he can dance with other women, just women we actually KNOW, not some random chic at an open class! Not that I have anything to worry about, he has giant feet and steps on mu toes at least once a month! Anyway...I just thought that the genitals on fire was a LITTLE much, specially for a HUG!

I'm not dead...I was away....

There is a Salsa song in Spanish, about a woman who's husband is missing, she calls friends, family, nothing...she calls hospitals, mortuaries, nothing....3 days later he shows up, and the song goes..."No estaba muerto, andaba de parranda!" He wasn't dead, he was out partying...ladies, this is what has happened in my case. We went to Miami at the last minute for New Year's Eve, and I am still begging my LIVER for forgiveness. It just so happens that a good friend of ours is opening up a night club in South Beach and took us out on the town, to all the cool places with a crazy hook up at all the VIP's- if only I was 10 years younger! Unfortunately I am not, and could only hold up for 3 nights (in a row) Vodka and Red Bull: it is a powerful thing! It must be used wisely and by trained professionals, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, Kiddies! We will be back for the bud's Grand Opening in a couple of weeks, so I MUST make peace with my liver by then.
Miami as always is a trip, I am including two pictures of mannequins we encountered while walking on the beach....loverly!
Watch Nip Tuck Much???

Tranny's R US!

Got to love my HUBS- I say, he does!

"Stand there with your nose next to her giant rock hard nipple!"

" ugh, ok *tee-hee*"