Friday, July 31, 2009

Voo-Doo Ritual TONIGHT

So you may think I have some big plans for the weekend, but no, I am having a girls night in with my new friend, and based on a conversation the other day, this is what will be happening at my house tonight:

GF: So my sister went to this voodoo lady and she taught her this thing that can tell you how many children you’ll have and what sex they will be.
ME: um-hum – (my last 3 really good girlfriends have all tried to get me to have babies at the same time as them, it’s a weird obsession with my friends)
GF: So next time I see you, I’m going to do it on you and if it says you are going to have a girl. That’s IT!
ME: OK (I’m at the drive thru at Sun Trust and the tellers there always insist on talking to you and stuff, it’s so annoying!)
GF: I’ll just tell your HUBS, that’s it, you guys have to have another baby, we have to have a girl (the truth comes out, she’s has a boy and wants a girl too, not just ALL the time, so she wants to SUCKER me into having a baby for the both of us. I swear I will be like your live in nanny (yeah right)
ME: Well if Mr. X dies I’ll think about it
GF: Who’s Mr. X?
ME: Mr. X is the HUBS boss, if he dies I am sure The HUBS will get a promotion and then I can quit and become a FULL-TIME BLOGGER *ahem* I mean a STAY AT HOME MOM

Maybe I should start a FUND all the people who want me to have another baby (my youngest is 17) can send me MONEY, that way I can be a SAHM, only you have to hurry, I am 37, um, I mean 21!

I can also start a 2nd FUND, all the people who DON'T want me to have another baby can send me MONEY and when the last baby goes off to college (2 years) I can take that money and travel all over the world in great luxury (I'll blog about it of course!)

Either way, I'm keeping ALL the MONEY!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Worst thing that ever happened to ME

OK, so it's not really the worst thing ever, but it IS really shitty....and I have been getting a LOT of shitty lately.

Remember how I was called into audition for a Stein Mart commercial a couple of weeks ago and I was SO excited. Well, they never called, whatever.

Simultaneously, I was supposed to film a 15 second TV spot to run on the local Telemundo channel on Sunday for a Real Estate talk show thing. Not at all exciting, but I represent the business and I speak Spanish, so I'm doing the spot.

Yesterday, I am standing in the supermarket when I get a text message and it says: We are filming tomorrow, so sorry for the late notice.

My phone died last month so it erased every ones number and so I did not see that this message was coming from one of the owners of the business, to me it was a random number.

What do I do? Do I stop and think? Do I put 2 + 2 together?

NO! I start jumping up and down in the market, going: OMG Stein mart wants me in their commercial, a NATIONAL commercial.

Do I call the text message person back to discuss details? NO

I call my husband yell in his ear, tell him I might leave him when I'm famous. Then I text my sister, my 2 girl friends and my assistant.

I then call my sister and we GAB about how I am definitely going to need my SAG card and how this is my whole new career, etc, etc, etc

Just then my assistant text's me back: I don't have to be in it right?

You know that expression BURST YOUR BUBBLE- POP!

DUH! I drive up to the house, my husband greets me in the garage and says: What's wrong?

I explain and then (this is how I know it WAS really bad and I looked SUPER SAD)

The HUBS (who from now on will be know as the Guatemalan Chuck Norris) goes:


I have never heard him say awwww, he is SO not the kind of man who says awwww, he's a bad ass Chuck Norris type.

So I'm at working today filming a infomercial for local Spanish TV instead of freaking getting famous with Stein Mart. SUX the BIG ONE!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Too soon?

Too soon? Too mean? Should I have waited until CNN, MSNBC, and every other media outlet stopped broadcasting about his death at least 10 hours a day?

Can you tell my why Anderson Cooper (don't get me wrong, I LOVES the silver fox) had to do a segment titled "Where is Bubbles?" Really?!?

Look I like to get my gossip on-line all DAY long, Perez, TMZ, etc, etc, but at some point I want to watch real news, like the

  • what's up with the President of Honduras or ex-president?
  • Iran a nuclear threat?
  • The ETA just detonated a car bomb in Spain?
  • What's up with Korea?

The one thing on this list was not is Bubbles knows Michael is dead and if they should tell him.

Just sayin...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Big Mama Boobies

Last night we went out to dinner with some new friends, we met through some mutual friends and they just moved to the area so they have NO friends here, thus they have taken up with us. ha-ha I kid, I kid, I just know everyone is just dying to be my BFF so I can blog about them and make them famous, it's the HUBS, no one loves him, he scares people, that's the reason we have so few couple friends. Like I said: I KID!

Regardless, we went out to dinner, with our new friends, as it was the new couples husband's Birthday. It was super yummers and walking to the cars we were talking about strip clubs (don't ask) and both men agreed, they NO like. I am sure all married men say this, but my new guy friend was specific, he does not like some nasty boobies in his face, that he doesn't know where they have been. Apparently stripper boobies are dirty, we keep walking, his wife is making a "yeah right buddy" face.

  • Wait, important part of the story is what I was wearing. We have beat "the 10lbs that won't leave" like a dead horse, and all my clothes makes me look like an over packed sausage, so I have taken to wearing those Maxi Dresses that are in this Summer. This works out wonderfully because the ta-tas have grown exponentially and work as the best detractor of the train wreak that is the rest of my bloated body. So of course, this is what I was wearing last night, it's like my new uniform.
  • Second, important tid-bit, the Birthday boy was carrying his four year old on his shoulders, a GIANT & strong 4 year old (really the Daddy is 6'4)

We get to the cars, I go to give the Birthday boy a Happy Birthday/Good night hug, he's 6'4, so he bends over, I am 5'6 to I tippy toe up. Just then the 4 year old, who I now know LOVES me, wraps his hands around my head and pulls down to hug and kiss me. I am overwhelmed by little little kid love and linger in the sweet 4 year old kiss and hug. All the while oblivious that the kid has shoved his Dad's head right in the the BIG MAMA cleavage.

When I step back Birthday Boy says: Well, I guess now I don't need to go to a strip club.

Oh! Boobies in the face of the new couple friends husband, not good and VERY AWKWARD!

Good to be back at Tova's for Totally Awkward Tuesdays!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Tourists, Dunkin Donuts and little kids

I LOVE Dunking Donuts

I like kids

I tolerate tourists

I get a healthy dose of these three things every Friday. I live in Orlando and every Friday on my way to work I stop and buy donuts for the whole office. Why? Because I am the boss and I want everyone to LOVE me.

Anyway....the DD I go to is at the main entrance to Downtown Disney and all the Disney Parks, it is on my way to the office, but during the summer it is always jam packed of tourists just waiting for the parks to open.

The line is always insane, but the DD employees are super fast and efficient, except for when this happens:

Woman and a million kids have been standing in line for 20 minutes starring in to space, they finally get up to the front of the line and are asked for their order, at that moment the woman proceeds to ask each child what kind of donut they would like. Some of these kids don't even have verbal skills yet. DD has like 300 different kinds of donuts, she make the employee point at every single one until the kid grunts what the Mom assumes is a yes. The other gaggle of kids flip flop from chocolate with sprinkles, to strawberry to vanilla no sprinkles, 3 million times. REALLY?!?! There are 50 people in line behind you OCTOMOM (where the HELL did you get all those kids?) I am one of those people and I haven't had any coffee this morning, I am late to work and last night I had a Networking event where I had 3 glow in the dark martinis that were good at the time, but must have been made with Florida moonshine because MY HEAD is killing me, oh, and did I mention I am late to work and I am the Boss and that looks BAD, specially when you wrote up an employee last week for being consistently tardy to work?!?!!!!!!!!!

Don't give your kids choices! Just buy a dozen donuts and hand them over, THEY ARE DONUTS, they are ALL good! If you insist on giving your 2 year old choices, then do the sane thing: You want vanilla or chocolate, pick one. OK?!

Also...when you are in that Giant SUV that holds your million kids and get 3 miles a gallon on I-4 and realize you are all the way over in the left lane and the exit to Magic Kingdom is in 25 feet in on the right...DO NOT cross 5 lanes in 3 seconds, we are driving at 70 miles an hour and I am in a mini for fucks sake and your TANK could KILL me!

This has been a public service announcement from the sane people of Orlando. We love you and your money. Thank you and have a nice day.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

200! not pounds SMART ASS! POSTS!

In honor of my 200th post I am sharing with you all my first post ever!
So please click HERE to see how it all began!
It has been almost a year of me babbling on and on about all the silly stuff going on in my life and in my brain. I am truly surprised every day that people read my blog, I mean some of you actually know me and are interested in my life, however others of you well ...I think it maybe like when you see a car accident on the side of the road, you can't help but look. Or when you're at the supermarket and their is a Mom with her little kid, and the kid is practically THE DEVIL and won't listen to the Mom's: please to sit down, stop screaming, don't touch, etc....and you know she is JUST about to have a melt down and the devil kid might catch a good smack, so you pretend you need to buy the same things as her and follow her just to witness the devil kids TOTAL look of shock (because she has only warned him 3000000 times he's gonna get it) on his face. And then when it happens you have to cover your mouth and stifle a gleeful laugh? And you feel like make "na-na-na" I told you so brat faces at the kid when the Mom isn't looking. Hoping he will learn his lesson and stop torturing his Mom, at least in public. Really, only me? That only happens to me?
Oh about YOU (yes you, you sexy thing) tell me why you read my blog, in other words: COMMENT bitches!

Friday, July 17, 2009

SteinMart, I'm your GIRL! for fear of jinxing it, I haven't blogged about this before. A couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from Stein Mart, as I am a preferred customer, in the e-mail it said they would be filming a commercial locally and wanted to use actual Stein Mart Shoppers. So, I sent my picture and a little blurb about me and why I loves the Stein Mart!

Guess what?! Of course they called me silly, you all know I'm flipping hilarious and totally super cute! So yesterday was my casting call. I arrived at Stein Mart and they took my picture and asked me to fill out a questionnaire, they gave me a piece of paper with my name and a number. My number was #590, my heart sank...really I was 1 of 590! I guess in my mind I was their only love. The person in charge of the campaign came out with the creative director (who both were like Barbie and Ken in their blond perfection) and they spoke to my group of women (like 7) about what was going to happen and how it was going to work, etc, etc, etc. I was first up so I said nice meeting you to the other girls and "Good Luck" as I walked away, as soon as I was a few feet away I turned to the creative director and "but not really" ha-ha she laughed, as did I, because who am I kidding, I always laugh at my own jokes.

They asked me my name and where I was from, which as you all know, is like a 10 minute answer, all on video! I was wearing an adorable maxi dress that I had bought at Stein Mart the weekend before to go out a dancin, with a hot pink, got the hair did and all cuteness.

I then told them why I am a super Bargain shopper (you know being a Mom at 19 and all) and how now even if I have some money I can't justify paying full price or overspending on silliness like clothes! Then I told them I can't deal with TJMaxx or Ross because they are too chaotic and I am afraid to take my shoes off in the nasty dressers for fear of SWINE FLU! or worse, they all cracked up *yay* a good sign. That was about it. Oh, they gave a $50 Panache Card, that's Stein Mart speak for gift card. I spent it immediately!

Here is what I got:

an AWESOME salad bowl set (with a container under it for ice, so you chill shrimp or fruit salad) 2 serving pieces, a divider that fits in the bowl so you do like a veggie platter, and attachment that you drop in and put dip in AND a cover, so nasty flies don;t get in it while you take a swim in my pool...

I also got a gift for my girlfriend because she was having a SUPER bad day and I was going to visit her to cheer her up- a Goblet with pink and black polka dots and her monogram as well as a pink and green plaid coozie with her monogram. Let's face it a bad day can only be improved with Girlfriends and Cocktails!

Cheers! Have a great weekend and think positive thoughts of me in the next Stein Mart campaign....better yet, e-mail them, write them, tweet them and tell them you want to see ME, and ONLY ME in their next ad....I was going to suggest you go to their stores and write on the mirrors in the dressing room in my signature RED lipstick - HIRE FORMER FAT CHIC, but I thought that might be a wee bit much...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Hypochondriac My ASS!

The other day the HUBS had the audacity to insinuate that I may be a hypochondriac. Mostly because I hurt my right shoulder while drunk dancing on the 4th of July. Why is the drunken part important, because I mean really what the HELL kind of dance was I doing to actually injure my shoulder.

Take a minute and visualize this…me drunk in a monokini (not a unikini which I drunkly said all day) waving my arms around something FIERCE to injure my right shoulder. My theory is that I was churning my ass so much that the centrifugal force must have carried to my upper extremities. Why do I emphasize my RIGHT should? Because that WAS my one good shoulder. I have arthritis in my left shoulder and had surgery on it last year, awesome, great FUN, you must try it some time, really!

Anyway…I could NOT go to my Pilates class due to my post 4th injury. Mind you I paid for 20 classes like 4 months ago and it should have only taken me 1 month to use them up. This sets the freak off (the HUBS,) he starts his speech on how I have to get healthy, and have a responsibility to the family to be healthy…yadda..yadda...yadda…all I hear is the Peanuts Gang adult voices *wa-wa-woonk*wa* Now of all people, it’s true the HUBS can actually sit there and extol the virtues of exercise, the man is a MACHINE a complete BEAST, he works out at least once a day, EVERYDAY. He runs 7 miles in 7 minutes each.
Then he blames all my illnesses and surgeries on lack of exercise: Gall Bladder removal, thyroid disease, arthritis in shoulder, tonsils, c-sections, lap band (he may have a point on that one, but I never concede you know I'm big boned!) He just goes on and on and on….Me; I’m late for work and must nip this rant in the bud!

I look at him, dead in the eyes…really, lack of exercise REALLY?!? Because I have a freckle on my hoo-ha that the Dr. says needs to be biopsied! You think if I go run a MILE right now it will make the freckle go away??? I flip my hair, turn around and walk away.

That’s how you win every time; you bring on the BIG GUNS…your GYN problems.

Monday, July 13, 2009

See you in Hell!

You know how I am always saying I am probably going straight to HELL...

The moment I saw these 2 kids, I knew we would meet up there...who knows it could even be FUN, except for the heat, thrashings, torture, etc,etc, etc.....

See you there!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Mishmash

  • So I changed my layout, you may have noticed, I likes it AHLOT

  • Even BIGGER news, I'm talking FULL C cup news, I was featured on Boob Emancipation! Oh my word, I am so honored, you like me, you really like me or mah boobies, whateve.

  • Also in the news...I joined Twitter, and still not sure if I love it, time will tell, but please follow me, because having no followers make me feel SO unloved and you know I am one of those people that NEEDS everyone to absolutely ADORE me.

  • Also, I need to post this pic of Peanut in Paris (she is my niece) seriously, she is 4 and is in Paris, I am *gulp* 37 and have never been! Esplain me this! Wait, I was tortured by sister my whole life, you know the EVIL sister and then she grows up has a kid and is like the nicest Mom ever and takes her kid to Paris!

You know we are related, she looks totally deranged in the picture!

Have a great weekend, ma petite bebes! I plan to get drunk and speak in an obnoxious french accent all weekend long, that should teach the HUBS to not take me to Paris!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Flying Boy

The youngest Hairy's Birthday is July 6th, this sucks. It is in the middle of the summer, everyone is out of town on vacation or gone for the Holiday weekend, or away at their parent's who doesn't have full time custody, etc, etc, etc.

Besides, everyone who is in town (like me) is pooped from the crazy 4th celebrations. This year we had a Cook Out on the 5th, just to keep the party going, but not a single friend of little Hairy came over. The result was he was tortured by all the grown ups all day long. We made him play billiards with us, he played pool volleyball and by the end of the day he became the "human cannon ball." I will admit seeing 4 grown men throw my 140 pond baby 8 feet up in the air was not fun, he however thought it was AMAZING!

Thanks Jen for putting together Worth a Thousand Words Thursday!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Camel Toads vs toes

I am sure there were many things my mother's generation had to worry about....I am sure on of them WAS NOT Camel Toes.

When I read the article below I laughed out loud, because I was sure if I called my Mom and asked if she knew what a Camel Toe was, the answer would be: What is at the end of a Camel foot?

Boy, how times have changed....EXHIBIT B, the chic with an actual Camel tattoo on her big toe, ewwww, GROSS, by the way sweetie, it's called a PEDICURE, get one!
Ladies and gay boyfriends, I give you EXHIBIT C- The Cuchini!

Genius, I tell you GENIUS! My sister sent me this CUCHINI link the other day and I started screaming, because (I swear to BUDDHA, this is true) like a month a ago I was thinking there was a market in inventing something that prevented Camel Toe, come on, you know it's true! Of course, some smart ass in Florida already did!
Please click through to their website, it's awesome, seriously the camel girl is adorable and their tag line is "Our Lips are Sealed!" The kicker is you can send a Cuchini to someone anonymously...that's just wrong, if you bitches have the inclination to send me one, just send me money instead, for the "STAY AT HOME MOM" fund I am starting, now that my youngest has turned 17....Camel Toes are the least of my worries!

Friday, July 3, 2009

4th of July

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, and for the third year in a row we are going to our friends house on the lake. They have a HUGE to do and it is so much fun. Really, they go all out, great bbq, lots of booze, volleyball, horseshoes, jet skis, water skiing, firework and dancing. There are flags everywhere, they are way into the 4th..very patriotic.

Today is the 3rd and I have the day off, I have 2 things to do today:

  1. Get a fake spray tan
  2. Buy a one piece
You all know about the dreaded 10 lbs that came to visiting and have yet to leave, well they mostly have taken up residence in my thighs, and well I am not happy about that. The fake tan helps, really it does. It is sort of like wearing black, only all over your body. Fake tans are great (when you go to a professional) really the worst that can happen is that I end up looking like and Oompa- Loompa, and even then people would say "Wow, Joe invited an Oompa-Loompa to the 4th" as opposed to "Holy Shit look at her dimply thighs and huge ASS!"

However accomplishing my second goal of the day, buying a one piece is not that easy, I was not able to get any females to accompany me on my dreaded mission, I know how pathetic, I have NO friends. So it seems I will have to go with The Hubs and well, he is BRUTALLY honest. And I may never recover emotionally.

Keeping all that in mind , I think I may have come up with an alternate solution, I might just wear this to the BBQ's just not very patriotic...

What do yo think? The downside is that the Party is going to be CHOCK FULL of Good Ole boys and well it could get ugly. I mean I live in the South and some of these guys have gun racks on their trucks and they all have that yellow sticker that says "Terrorist Hunting Permit!"

I would be funny if I wore a bikini under it and by 4 o'clock, when I'm sloshed I can lift up the burka and start flashing people! hhaaaaaaaa-ha! Dear Lord, I entertain myself constantly.

Happy 4th Everyone, have fun and be safe!