Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Safety Alert!

Remember when your mother told you never to take Candy from Strangers?

This is who she was talking about!


Wednesday, October 27, 2010


OK, the title is totally a ploy to get traffic here-

No, but really I met a Super hot Asian woman! On Friday, I went to this Woman's group that focuses on connecting professional, ambitious, influential women. I totally had them fooled thinking I was one of them- you know professional, influential, yeah right!!

Moving along, while there I meet this woman- she looks like that Judge on the dancing show, this one:

I mean she is just adorable. Wait- we talk, she is hilarious- a few more minutes and she moves from the 1 glass of white wine that came with lunch- sits at the bar and orders a Martini- I think I blacked out for a minute- that she is a vodka LOVER, like me! Get this: she is a plastic surgeon. Really, a very smart, reputable, semi famous Plastic Surgeon.

She is married to a plastic surgeon as well, and they love dogs. I may become a TV produce next week and pitch them as a new reality show- no really, finally I could get MY 15 minutes of fame.

You know what she says to me?"People ask me if I am a nail tech all the time!"and busts out laughing-this is how funny she is.

My sister knows her, so when I get home my sis and I chat about the luncheon and how awesome it was (she was not able to go, well, because she sucks and would not drive up from Miami) She finally asks: So, did you meet Dr. Liu (not her real name.)

My response? OH MY GOD! I love her, if I was one of those aliens form that movie about POD People (Invasion of the Body Snatchers), I would TOTALLY choose HER to take over her human body!

Yeah- took it a little into the weird zone there.

Wait, just had an idea- maybe we could do a Reality TV show, where her husband and she just basically operate on me from head to toe- so much so that not even the HUBS would recognize me!

If any of you readers know MY doctor Liu, you better not steal this show idea form me!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Ass crack of dawn

Why am I nodding off at 8pm tonight? Friday night? I should at a Happy Hour living it up. Instead of boozing I am almost snoozing. Why? Well I got up at the ass crack of dawn, only one thing could make me rise at 6am, and that would be one of my baby boys.

Today was Senior Toga day and I sent my baby off to school looking like this
Welcome to the Toga GUN SHOW bitches!
All HAIL to the King!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Baby of the Family

The school secretary stood at the door whispering to my teacher, there were a few words exchanged and some nods. I was told to collect all my things; I was going home for the day. As I walked down the hall with this grown up I hardly knew, there was silence, I was too afraid to ask what was going on. My assumption was I was in trouble, but as the consummate bad seed and ring leader, there was a myriad of deeds left undiscovered for which I could be in trouble for. I knew enough to keep my mouth shut.

When she saw I was not going to ask any questions, she simply stated: A driver has been sent to take you home; your sister will be going with you. I walked to the bottom of the hill where the car would be, just outside the gates of the school. My sister and her best friend were both there waiting for the car. They were in the 9th grade and infinitely cooler than anyone I knew. My sister’s book bag was on the floor between her blue Nike tennis shoes, and her friends arm was wrapped around her shoulder. Their heads were resting on each other and when I came near and they turned towards me, their eyes were red and damp; they had been crying. I knew it was really bad, and perhaps I was not in trouble at all. Only my sister and I got in the car, her friend stayed behind and waved to us as we disappeared down the steep hill, the only thing my sister said was that Mom and Dad would talk to me when we got home. I don’t remember much else, only my parents sitting all three of us down on their bed and telling us Mom had a brain tumor. They did not know if it was benign or malignant or if they could remove it, blah,blah blah…a whole bunch of stuff that went over a kid who was still in Elementary school’s head. They were leaving to New York tomorrow, relatives would be taking turns coming to stay with us, and Mom’s friends would keep an eye on us. They had no idea how long they would be gone.

Of course, my Mother needed to get her hair done that afternoon because she was going to ride an airplane the next day (I know, insane.) She let me tag along to the Salon, I sat on the chair next to her while they cut, set, dried, teased and combed out her hair. During that whole time she talked non-stop to her hair dresser, as he lovingly listened, and that’s how I learned to the whole story of my mother’s tumor. He wore tight jeans and Italian loafers with no socks, his hair was shoulder length and look so soft, it would bounce when he would nod his head in agreement with my Mother, I knew if I inhaled while he did this, I might get a whiff of his hair. I felt like an intruder in an intimate ritual my mother was having with her gay hair dresser. I tried hard to sit still and be quite, lest they remember I was sitting there and banish me to the lobby with the HOLA (Spain’s Hello) Magazines that were yellowed with age and spoke of European royalty that were non-existent in my life.

Both my sister’s were in high school and I was sure they were given a lot more information than I was and as the baby of the family you get used to being “protected” from certain truths. A common complaint amount the youngest children in a family. The other day I was thinking of this and had the sudden realization that perhaps my Mother understood that I needed to know what was going on with her and this was her roundabout way of letting me in on the big secrets of her sickness.

to be continued....the poor Granma's who had to stay with us, menopause should NOT feel like a brain tumor and how I learned to drive at 11.