Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I have a plan

I have a plan- a new one. The one where I was going to be a stay at home Mom didn't really fly with the HUBS. I think it was the fact the my youngest son turns 18 next week. I considered having another child just to get out of having to keep going to work at an office, but my uterus had major problems with that possibility.

I then came up with with Plan B- I was going to breed our furry baby Lulu and then I could be a stay at home furry momma- well, that didn't go over too well either.

I am now moving on the Plan C- It hit me while visiting my niece. She is 13, adorable and we get along just great. I have inside info that her Father is over protective and doesn't want to send her far away to College- so I hatched the perfect plan!

We will use some of his land in the mountains and start an alpaca farm! He will be our investor (since I will be like an old auntie watching over my niece and in turn keeping her close to home) I will be happy since I won't have to go to an office anymore and she is thrilled since I sent her the picture below and let's face it- that alpaca is freaking adorable! We will breed dogs, and have sheep for wool only, goats for cheese only, and milk cows. We won't kill any animals and all are goods will be the bestest in the world because they will come for the happiest farm animals on the planet (this is how I mostly sold it to my niece)

There is one kink in my plan that I have yet to figure out- what do I do with the HUBS and my kids?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Do the Robot

I have found the perfect dance instructor for the HUBS- as you can all imagine I am a DANCING QUEEN! He on the other hand tries all sorts of dances: salsa, merengue, free style and they all look like the ROBOT DANCE, unintentionally of course, except when he is trying to do the robot dance and then it SUPER ROBOTIC. Oh yeah, he wear a size 13 shoe and once stepped on me so hard my toe nail fell off!

I like this dance instructor, he has rhythm, grace and above all he has THE MOVES, plus I figure I can pay him in binkies and bottles!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wax on, Wax off

Remember the summer of 1984- it was so hot and sticky and you escaped the heat to a cool movie theater only to discover Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid, he was your dream boy. Little did you know he was really like 32 years old!

We all fell in love with him the moment he had to get in his Mom's beat up station wagon to pick up his date. What I also remember about that movie was it teaching me indiretly what "whack off" means. HUH?! Yeah, you heard me. Soon after the movie boys in school were making jokes about "wax on, whack off" Well, there you go, how I learned that boys masturbated.

On Sunday night I was watching the MTV Movie awards with my baby, who by the way turns 18 in July *nooooooooo* The show was littered with commercials for the upcoming new and improved Karate Kid. In one of the commercials Jackie Chan, is teaching the kid the equivalent of "wax on"only he says: Jacket on.

wha-wha-WHAT?!?! I turn to my son and make my "goofy teenage boy" to him "If it is Jacket on, does that mean the next move is- JACKET OFF?!" with a slight hand gesture (I know, it's horrifying to find out I am that Mom!) He looks at me- brings his hand to his face and groans, but laughs at the same time- MOM! hahaha...jacket it off!

He pretends I'm not funny and tells me how unfunny I am all the time, but let's face it: I KNOW I AM FUNNY! bua-hahaha, how do I know? I crack myself UP all the DAMN time!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Dr's Orders

Remember how that silly doctor told me I had to wear orthopedic shoes, the kind that look like these:

This is what came up when I typed in Google- fashionable woman's orthopedic shoes...I swear to all that is HOLY- some nut thinks these are HIGH FASHION, well tie me up and call me Sarah Jessica Parker, I don't think so.

So step 2 to satisfy my curiosity- was to type in to Google- woman's orthopedic shoes (let's leave fashion out of the equation) Look what came up-

O.K. I get where they are talking fashion...

Saturday was my son's High School graduation, this day is meant for CELEBRATION (even more so for the parents) So we had a nice dinner, with yummy pomegranate martini's. Then went home, joined by an old friend in town, and had some very, very good sipping Tequila (lots o' Tequila) and then we went out. What to wear, what to wear....Orthopedic shoes?

I think NOT- these are the babies I pulled out of my closet, I had a hard time buckling them and all, due to all the tequila consumed, but I got them on my piggies and away we went.

As long as there is alcohol to be consumed, I will NOT be wearing UGLY shoes out on a Saturday night...I must confess there was much crying, moaning and groaning, as well as rubbing of the tootsies on Sunday.

The DOCTOR can suck it- suck my BIG FAT TOE!

Friday, June 4, 2010

New Fashion Find!

Let's start at toe has been hurting. I mean really hurting. So much I was in pain every time I had to push the clutch in to shift gears in my car. Yeah, I drive a stick shift, you know I am a bad ass.

Anyway, it is my second toe the one next to my big toe on my left foot. I ignored it for a long time, but then it started to feel funny, like pins and needles and spread to my big toe. My assistant said that's never damage, that scared me and I went to a podiatrist.

Guess what I have!? Capsulitis of the Second Toe! It's when your second toe is deformed and longer than the your big toe and causes your weight to unevenly distribute itself on you second toe instead of the big one. And having that caused:
Morton’s neuroma- nerve damage!

He then shove a GINORMOUS needle in my second toe with a shot of cotizone and told me to:
  • no more flip flop
  • no more bare feet
  • no more high heels
You need to buy orthopedic shoes. AHHHHHHH! I have been in a deep depresion and that is why I have not posted! Remember me, the woman with 5 pairs od pink high heels, and 6 pairs of red ones. The woman with shoes hidden in crates in the garage, under the bed and the attic.

I am happy to announce I have finally found a pair of orthopedic shoes I can be happy wearing: BEHOLD!
Pierced for the freak in me!

The best part of all is that they go perfectly with the the tittay scarf I got for Christmas!!!