Monday, December 29, 2008

Things I learned over the Holidays

  • Door Busters sales are usually nothing you’d bust a door down for
  • Just because you “fit” in the clothes in the junior department doesn’t meant you should buy or wear the clothes in the juniors department, unless you are a COUGAR, and don't mind everyone knowing.
  • At 36, “BABY PHAT” is not a good thing
  • A size 8 in the woman’s’ department is nowhere near a size 8 in the Juniors Department
  • Those stupid coupons you clip and print and carry in your purse for days NEVER apply to the one thing you want to buy! (unless it is Bed Bath & Beyond)
  • You’re finally a grown up when you spend your Christmas cash on a new crock pot and a good steamer! The realization sucks!
  • It is a true Christmas miracle when on the Sunday after Christmas (after eating nonstop since Thanksgiving, with daily consumption of chocolate) you can walk into Express and buy a size 8 (down from a size 10 in the summer) pair of jeans for $23! Wooooooo-hoooooooo! Thank you 8lbs 6 ounce Baby Jesus! Hallelujah!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

When you live in the Deep South

I love living in the South, really I do, I eat grits, biscuits, chicken for breakfast, I play Bunko with the girls, all that stuff. Sometimes I do forget just how deep in the South I live, then I am reminded that sometimes that is not a good thing, like that time at the River House. Regardless, I got a little gift from my Dry Cleaner today, they are the nicest people, really sweet and great dry cleaners too. They gave me a little calender that they had made and it was filled with different deals and coupons...ohhhh, a FREE facial, WHAT! Oh, yeah from a Mary Kay associate, not so much...I am thumbing through it and right there in April is a Holiday I have never heard of- there, April 27th- Confederate Memorial Day. Have you all ever heard of this Holiday?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Worth a Thousand Words Thursday-

This is how we carol....with MARACAS baby!

And this is our Nativity....not sold at Hallmark
Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad!
You can all Thank Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

New BOY TOY for ME!

So you all remember how I wanted to track down THIS GUY, drag him home with me and make him be my new GAY BFF/BOY TOY...well, he lived very far, I am very broke and couldn't afford the airfare, then, he is like an Internetz star, etc, etc, etc (of course there is the itty bitty item called an restraining order *tee-hee*) Whatever! I have decided that I was simply shooting for the starts, and I needed to lower my expectation, just a little. Lower expectation will simply get your farther...

I have found a new object of obsession, he too can dance, he just doesn't look as TIGHT in a leotard as my former obsession...but hell, either do I!

Ladies, I give to you my future BOY TOY in ALL his glory-please try not stare at his manly bits it is more than most can bare!

If I was single, I would hook up a speaker system to my body and play this damn song on a loop, I would walk around popping and locking, strutting my stuff all over town, in some big PUTA shoes,- it would be MY THEME SONG! If you liked you should put a ring on it..oh, oh, oh...lallalaaaa - I'd get a personalized lic. plate that said FIERCE! ya baby! Oh Lord, it is a good thing I got married and settled down (even if I was 18!) I would have been ONE HOT MESS!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tempt my Tummy- lot's O' RUM cake

Even if you don't cook, you will love this recipe:

Best ever rum cake
1 tsp. Sugar
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup dried fruit
brown sugar
1 tsp. Soda
1 cup butter
2 large eggs
baking powder
lemon juice

Before starting, sample rum to check quality.Good isn't it? Now proceed.

Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer,beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beatagain. Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alright. Try another cup. Open 2ndquart if necessary. Add eggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. Ifdruit gets stuck in beaterrs, pry loose with a drewscriber. Sample rumagain, checking for tonscisticity . Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (reallydoesn't matter). Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in choppedbutter & strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar (or whatever coloryou can find). Wix mel. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees.Pour mess into koven and ake. Check rum again and go to bed and make your hubby wish you baked every night!

CHEERS to Lisa, over at Blessed with Grace, for Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays *hic*

Friday, December 12, 2008

Christmas is Cancelled

This is what I told my kids when we got back form our 10 day Thanksgiving Vacation. They thought I was kidding. I reminded them of the extremely extravagant Christmas gifts they had gotten last year (musical instruments which cost lots of $$$$) the gifts the had begged for years, and now how those same gift a mere 11 months later are still untouched gathering dust in the garage, plus the ipods, video ipods, one which was lost, the other that went through the wash. I then reminded them we had just gone on a very expensive vacation and spent lots o' money, therefore, don't expect X-mas gifts. Now, don't get your panties all in a bunch ladies, they are not 5 years old, they are 16 and almost 18, they are big boys!

As we put up the tree Hairy #2 asked "why are we putting up the tree if there aren't going to be any presents?" Um...because it's paid for (fake tree) and it looks pretty. The following day I drag them with me to Lowe's to load mulch in to the van, as the yard is looking mighty pathetic, and at Lowes I see an awesome "chimenea" like a pottery outdoor fireplace, which I have been wanting for like 2 years for the backyard and it's on sale! I show them how pretty it is and what a good price it is at and then wonder out loud..."should I take it" ha-ha They lost their shiz..."you just said we get no presents because you're broke!" hahah, oh, yeah. No chimenea!

Later that day I hear them bickering, which is usually all the damn time, and Hairy #1 said to Hairy #2 "'s all your fault we aren't getting presents, you had to ask for that freaking electronic drum set, that cost $$$" I can't even bring myself to write what we paid for that things, it is obscene. Hairy #2 comeback- "no, it;s not, you eat for like 5 people, that's why Mom is always broke, fatty" This has gone on all week. I put the drum set up for sale on Craigslist and if I am lucky I will get 1/2 of what I spent last Christmas, if I do Christmas will be saved and I will by them junk that will be in the garage or garbage with in a month.

Of course The Man who among his many faults is son #5 of a family of 9 children, and who claims to have gotten rotten gifts his entire childhood (for example, he wanted a Han Solo- he got Buck Rodgers, he wanted a GI Joe- he got Ken, as a teenager he got socks, etc, etc, etc) told me yesterday that he wanted to "some" gifts under the tree this Sunday.

A Legend has passed

Yesterday Betty Page passed away. For as long as I can remember knowing what "sexy" was, I have loved Betty Page. She was beautiful, womanly, venerable, powerful, uninhibited and raw. I know many find her scandalous or immoral, some of the S&M stuff is way out there. I just remember seeing a photo of her in nude, and she was smiling, and she looked happy, not posing happy, but really "This is me, and I love me" happy. Maybe that is why I have been so enamored with her, self acceptance and body image were not easy to come by in my life.

Regardless of what you think of her, she is an icon and was an instrument in the sexual revolution.

This is Bettie Page's official website, I recommend the movie "The Notorious Bettie Page" with Gretchen Moll if you would like to learn more about her. Below is my Halloween 2007 tribute to her.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Worth a Thousand Words Thursday

Now this is what I call a costume! This is a lady that works in my office building, she often comes up to shoot the breeze, she is obviously a fun person and a total trip. This is what she wore to work on Halloween , the whole day! YAY! I LOVE people like this!
I have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Never forget your Mama's Birthday!

Sunday was my Mother’s 70th Birthday. All week long, I repeated to myself over and over “don’t forget to call Mom on Sunday.” Well, Sunday came and things had to be done around the house, the dog had to go to the park, the boys needed lunch money, we met with friends, I saw the Macy's Day Parade at Universal…and of course I forgot. Well, almost… as I lay in my bed not able to sleep, with the man already sleeping and snoring, me trying to contain myself from not smothering him, when I remembered…....before I could think, I gasped for air HARD and it sounded like “eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh” sort of like I was watching a bus load of little kids go over a cliff! The man woke up startled “What! What happened!” to which my response was, as I jumped out of bed at 11:30 pm, I forgot to call my MOTHER! The Man mumbled “you better not wake me up again.” What time is it in Guatemala? is it on hour a head or one hour behind, I can never remember, well it's either 10:30pm or not even her Birthday anymore! Thank God, one of the hairy's was still awake, we could call together and tell her the the call wouldn't go through earlier, that pesky International long distance (don't look at me like that, you make your kids lie for you too) the woman is 70 people, she used to have to talk to an operator to make a phone call, she was born the year nylon was invented, she will have no problem thinking the call didn't go through. Now my Mother is a person who is usually asleep by 8pm, being it was 10:30pm in Guatemala (I hope), I was sure she would be sleeping. Well, I was wrong; she picked up on the first ring and was wide awake. She was waiting for my call, and of course she mentioned she thought I had forgot and I was the last to call…boy I just made it by the skin of my teeth, good thing for that different time zone thingy!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Tempt my Tummy Tuesday

I have a cookie exchange on Friday and I am not sure what I am going to since I have not made cookies from scratch since leaving my Mother's house in 1990! I have been looking up fun and easy holiday cookies, when I came across THIS!! Oh my, a website with all sorts of fun stuff to do with Twinkies, Ho-Ho's and snowballs! Click on through and they have the recipes for all of them, super fun for kids to make, I'm just not sure if you want to let your kids eat them! hahah!

Thank you Lisa, over at Blessed with Grace, for Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Why couldn't this happen on the plane?

I am a big Bill Murray fan, I try and watch Ground Hog's day everytime it is on, I own "What about Bob?" for goodness sakes, and then I read this: Bill Murray, and I just know I love that man!

There is a reason this did not happen on the plane I was on- well, more than one, but:

1. He probably wasn't going to Guatemala
2. I don't fly first class, I am sure he does
3. I would laugh like the complete maniac I am and not stop and then probably pee myself and snort at the same time- then he would flare his nostrils and roll his eyes at me in utter disgust
4. I would totally embarrass my kids by making ( I stress MAKING) him take a picture with me and sign and autograph!

So, it's probably a good this that this didn't happen on my flight.

How BAD is our Economy?

As many of you know I went to Guatemala for Thanksgiving. It was a LOOOOOONG trip, we left our house at 5:30 am drove to Miami, check in at the Airport, drove to my sister's house, gave a quick kiss to peanut, who was in her Dorothy costume and then my sis drove us back to the airport, where we were sent to wrong gate (25 minute walk in the wrong direction) then thanks to my asking around found the right gate! As I walked up to the gate something was a miss....everyone waiting at the gate looked like this....

I am not kidding, I was one of the only women on the whole flight. I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was so weird. When we landed in Guatemala, a mere 10 hours after I left my house in Orlando, there must have been 800 indigenous women waiting at the airport, then they all crammed in to the back of a pick up truck and drove away.

I was not happy, because my plan was to BEG the woman at the Airline counter to let me sit in First class knowing that after she heard my tragic tale of being stuck in the car with Hairy Thing #1 & Hairy Thing #2, AND The Man since 5:30 am there was no way she would not take pity on my soul....I was already envisioning myself sipping champagne and cackling like Cruella at the 3 men who claim to be related to me in the back of the cabin....yeah, right, flight sold out to a whole bunch of men in cowboy hats!?!

After speaking with some locals I solved the mystery! The illegal migrant workers are going back to Guatemala! There are no more jobs in the States so there is no more money to send home, so they all are packing up and moving home! Boy, it seems we won't need that GIANT wall across the border anymore! hahaha--

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Worth a Thousand Words Thursday

January- 1990- You can tell the year by the acid wash jeans, neon swatch and my bushy eyebrows! Fast forward to May 2008- same 2 fools, silly as ever...

This man is not my husband, he is my bestest male friend ever, for 21 years and counting, his name is Alex. When I got married he became my hubby's best friend too (I have to admit I was jealous my husband stole my best friend) and when he needed a place to stay, well, he moved in. My kids call him Big Alex, it started out as Big People Alex, becasue my son is Alex and he would get confused when I would call "ALEX." Hence my son is Little People Alex, and my bud is Big People Alex. Four years later, he moved out and is now married to an AWESOME chick, we all love! That's his baby in the picture, he has a 3 year old too, we loves them.

Thanks to Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I'm Baaaaaaaaaack

Yes, I am back from my vacation with many great and zany stories which I will post ASAP, SAT, soon, as I do have "actual" work to do in my real job. I'm dying to post pics as I they are GREAT, but of course I left the cord that enables me to download the pics from the camera to the computer in Guatemala! Why did I even take it?

I'll tell you quickly that I had to get my hair done at the salon the whole time I was there (3 times in all) because the first time I washed my hair and asked my Mom for her hair dryer, she pulls out this thing...almost as big as she is and calls it her blow dryer. It had at sometime in the past been white, it was kind of yellow now, and was shaped like a giant fat gun! I swear on my children's lives that she has owned this contraption since at least 1984!!! I'm just saying if I was divorced and a cougar, I would be dating men younger than my Mom's hair dryer! hahahaaaaaaaa...'fo sho! Suffice to say, it didn't work very well! At least the salon was CHEAP! You sure can enjoy cheap labor in those 3rd world countries! Just saying!