Fake Troll thinks I'm stupid

My sis called me frantically yesterday morning to tell me I had a TROLL! huh? I was busy working all day long and did not have time to even think yesterday...

Finally last night I did some research and found out what a troll is and what to do! I don;t really think I have a real Troll...just someone who disagrees with my political views, and hey that's cool.

This pseud-Troll thinks I'm stupid and Obama is snake oil salesmen...whateve!

Here is what I found out about Trolls in general, this is from http://www.flayme.com/:

What Is A Troll?
The term derives from "trolling", a style of fishing which involves trailing bait through a likely spot hoping for a bite. The troll posts a message, often in response to an honest question, that is intended to upset, disrupt or simply insult the group.
Usually, it will fail, as the troll rarely bothers to match the tone or style of the group, and usually its ignorance shows.

Why do trolls do it?
I believe that most trolls are sad people, living their lonely lives vicariously through those they see as strong and successful.
Disrupting a stable newsgroup gives the illusion of power, just as for a few, stalking a strong person allows them to think they are strong, too.
For trolls, any response is 'recognition'; they are unable to distinguish between irritation and admiration; their ego grows directly in proportion to the response, regardless of the form or content of that response.
Trolls, rather surprisingly, dispute this, claiming that it's a game or joke; this merely confirms the diagnosis; how sad do you have to be to find such mind-numbingly trivial time wasting to be funny?
Remember that trolls are cowards; they'll usually post just enough to get an argument going, then sit back and count the responses (Yes, that's what they do!).

Too Much to Drink at a Wedding!

I had a few too many Vodka's at a Wedding Saturday night....I wasn't falling down drunk or anything, but I was happily dancing, shaking ma' bo-tay the whole time, with a group of ole' biddies...as NO men were dancing! So what, I shaked my ass with some 80 year olds! Just think how good I must have looked next to them all! hahaaaaaaaa...when I got home I woke my dog up and made her get in bed with me so I could kiss and love her all over AND I made my husband take a picture of me...now look at my dog's face....this is what I think she's thinking:

Hubby, you think you're getting your hands on this tipsy hottie? HA! I don't think so! She's mine now, I'm sleeping right here, and she's gonna pet me all night..NOT YOU!

The Presidential Debate

The debate as last night......did I watch? Nah... we had a block party and there was Smirnoff Ice, and well I had a few and just really didn't feel like I needed to stop drinking, eating and socializing! And truly at this point I would have to personally catch Barak Obama (or Barry Baby, as I call him) in bed with a live boy or a dead girl, for me not to vote for him...just saying!

My almost brother-in-law, John Leguizamo

I love John Leguizamo! Always have , always will. The man is smart, funny, insightful and so talented. However, he is not my type, eventhough I am a Latin woman, I likes the blond mens, wiz the green eye and ze big thighz and no hairs..ya? That was Inga, she picks my mens. Whatever...I was at Jury Duty in Miami and there was John Leguizamo filming on the steps on the court house (The Pest, stinker, but I still love him) I watched for about an hour and figured out which was his trailer. It was time to make my move....I told the girl next to me in Jury Duty waiting room -"um, I have to go to the bathroom, not feeling good, let them know if they call my name"

Did I go to the bathroom, um, NO! I went downstairs, out the door and straight to the man's trailer, you know what, he came walking out not but a minute later! I told him, I was a BIG fan of his one-man show, and that it was genetic, my LOVE for him. My Mama loves, him, I love him and my HOT single sister Coco loves him! I actually said- "you should meet her" He politely declined, saying alas he was married. I thought of tackling him into his trailer, and then tying him up like Kathy Bates in Misery, he was little, I was big...but I was in front of the court house and there were cops everywhere!

Needless to say, I ran into him again, a couple of years later...I don't even remember how, in Miami again, and he remembered me! He told me he was divorced, and how about a date with my sis! hahahaaaaaa, of course that bitch was married by then! She ruined my chances of being John Leguizamo's sister-in-law! How awesome would that have been!

UM, Not so MUCH, Fat BOY!
Oh yeah BABY~I can take you home to meet Mama & Papa!



OH! There is my tattooed Bad Boy! Forget going to Mama & Papa's- I can take you HOME!

A Thousand Word Thursday

You are supposed to post a picture which you feel is worth a thousand words...here's mine!

See that man, that's my Daddy, the one on the right! ha-ha! See that woman, that's Janet Reno. My Daddy is the kind of man that LOVES Janet Reno, he respects her and thinks she kicks ass! He will vote for a woman in a heart beat, just not Palin!(duh! that beyotch be crazy) My Daddy is an AWESOME man!

The link is on the left if you want to check out other bloggers Thousand Word Pictures

I love big butts!

One day I was lamenting to my sister how the only men who ever take notice of me are the following:

construction men

delivery men

bus boys

plumbers

bus drivers

She said I had the "cuerpo del pueblo" which means: The body of the people or blue collar booty!

Well you get my drift, I attract working class men, now this is fine with me. I don't like men who look like Hugh Grant or Rob Lowe, no petite men, in suits and glasses, with manicures for me! On the other hand...not once a guy in a suit, not once a distinguished man in a nice car, never even see them turn their heads...However a very old taxi driver once followed me for 6 blocks (I was walking home in the Dominican Republic) telling me I had to be "Iris Chacon's" daughter! I came home in tears, and asked my Mom "who is Iris Chacon?" Why? she asked, I told her about the taxi driver...she nearly peed she laughed so hard! This is Iris Chacon, also know as the Puerto Rican Bombshell, she was a famous for having a LARGE behind and shaking it!

I like big butts and I can not lie...I love my "Latina" rear end, it does not bother me at all, so when I blog about my big ass, know that I am not one of those girls who is being self-deprecating so other will comment: no, no, it's not so big....um, yes it IS and i LOVE it! Power to the Culonas! that means big booty chicks for you non-Spanish speakers!

Halloween

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Halloween....more than any Holiday, it would so top X-mas, if only I could guilt people in to giving me gifts, then it would be perfect! I adore costumes and if were up to me would probably randomly drees up every Friday, just for shits an giggles! Casual Friday= cowgirl day! Now, I always wanted to be the Great Pumpkin and begged my mother the year I was 12. She said no, because "how would I dance with the boys?" and well, it just wasn't pretty. True, but who says that to a 12 year old! I guess I could be the Giant Pumpkin, but now I have breasts and a figure and I love wearing cute costumes, no, not the Hustler or Playboy ones, but cute. When I was ginormous, I didn't care, and who really wants to see a size 20 sexy nurse, so I was always an ugly witch. I was scary, kids were too afraid to take candy from me! Little hairy one once said "don't worry, she not a real with, it's my Mom" he-he-he was he wrong! Any who this story is really about my GF with the smelly finger, one year she and her friend decided to go as giant Q-Tips (all dressed in white with white cotton turban wrapped heads, brazilliant!) only guys at the bars kept on asking them if they were TAMPONS! ha-ha and then some ass squirted ketchup on their heads.....ewwwwwww After that she vowed to only wear hot costumes, no more trying to be funny! So, help me decide on what I should be this Halloween....I love the 4 options, and you don't even have to register, just vote on my poll!

funny...

My girlfriend is going to have a baby and i have been begging to be one of the hosts for the shower! I am BABY CRAZY, I have always adored little babies, kids not so much, teenagers, keep the HELL away (specially if they are mine) Any who! I am browsing on-line for cute ideas and come across this......screeeeeeech, WTF? Um, really is this invite for someone having twins? Do they think one baby will come out white, and one come out brown? Or is the baby on the right brown cause it's sitting in esspresso.....Or wait, is this invite for that friend (we all have one) who is pregnant and well, you're not even sure what might come out, or who the baby Daddy might be? hmmmmmmm...the card says a baby is brewing...seems like trouble is brewing to me!

WTF? Crazy Britney Spears!

As I was merrily reading my people magazine best dressed edition this weekend I was stopped DEAD in my tracks, one second I was happily sunning in the hammock, while the mens did all the yard work, humming and lalalaing, pointing to dresses saying, I am SO going to get that! Ohhhhhh, I would looks SO hot in that dress! When there was the article on the Spears, seemed nice, she's getting her shiz back on track and then BAM! A picture in her back yard, her Daddy, the new baby Maddie and the two boys...wait, what is that behind them all....look closely a statue of a little black boy, sorta like a Lawn Jockey, but more exotic...looks like Webster in black face! hahaaaaa I crack myself up! Anyway, if you were a celebrity, grown in the deep south and you had a camera crew over to your house, wouldn't you pick up that little black boy and shove him in the back of the closet???

When My Sister takes the pictures

This is what happens when everyone else is drunk at the party and we have to delegate the picture taking to my sister Coco. She had 1 drink! By the way, I was dancing on table, hence the pictures of my feet and mostly of my GIANT ASS hoovering above the camera..... These photos are here to amuse you, but also to bring you to my next post, which involves my enormous arroz pollo ass, and those yuca and frijoles thighs, and a phrase my sister coined some years back. In Spanish: El Cuerpo del Pueblo, in English...The Body of the People....I know you can hardly wait for me to tell...it's coming!

My LOVE of HOOTERS

When I tell this story I get very strange looks...but I can't think of a better way of stating who I am, in essence I am a woman who does not give a F*ck. Every year for mother's day, at least for the last 10 years, we go out to lunch or dinner like most families do. We however will go to only one place on this sacred day: Hooters! Oh yes, the looks of pity I get are priceless, almost as good as getting real gifts or flowers or I dunno no, breakfast in bed (besides burnt toast and cold coffee.) I wasn't always like this, I once demanded a fancy brunch, but almost lost my mind with the overcrowded, over priced, gross food, screaming kids, etc. I love Hooters, I love the wings, I love the crab legs, I love the oyster roast, and I could care less that there are barley clothed big chested girls walking around. Whatever! Hooters is the best on Mother's Day, there are no lines, no inflated prices, and no screaming kids running around, it perfect! It also happens to be the only place I will go on Valentine's Day!

Internal Tourettes

I am not sure, I have to find out, mostly by doing research on-line, but I think I have "Internal Tourette's Syndrome" I.T.S. The reasons I believe this are endless, but I have insane thoughts, which are uncontrollable all the time, watching tv, talking on the phone, working, pretending to be listening to what my spouse is saying....Then there are the HIGHLY inappropriate ones...


For instance, there are 2 songs that pop into my head on a daily basis, it takes every fiber of my being to not bust out and start singing them at the top of my lungs, which of course would have to be accompanies by my brand of dancing, which is quite vulgar and mostly booty shaking, and OH MY, there is plenty O' BOOO-TAY to shake!

The songs are:

Are you Ready for the Sex Girls (yes it is a REAL song)- it is on the soundtrack to Revenge of the Nerds, a movie that any one who had HBO in the early 80's saw at least twice a day! Lambda-Lambda-Lambda's and Omega Moo's *woo-hoo*

Can a N!gg@ get a Table Dance! (once again a real song)- by 2 Live Crew, immortalized by Chris Rock- Shake it up! Shake It Up!

There is a third song, but it's not so bad, so I just bust out and sing all the time....

I know what boys like, I know what boys wants...la, la, la and then I skip off, oh yeah, I'm a big skipper....

The Hills and other High Brow Art

I love TRASH, I love watching all the trashy TV shows, I can't help it, I am mesmerized by these insane trashy people! I watched Flavor of Love, I love NY, Rock of Love, all the shows which clearly indicate the fall of western civilization is very near! However, by some freak of nature had not ever seen the Hills. The other night I sat through a whole episode and was not once mildly amused, the only thing I could think about was:

Why does the girl Lauren Conrad have a mustache?

Does no one else see it? Is it some sort of skin condition?

My LORD, she is annoying, crying all the damn time with her big ole 'stache, what is that about?

Lucha Libre- cougar shirt

We went out to an awesome new bar on Church Street called "EMBER" very cool, great music and tons of fun. I had nothing to wear for the night out, so I went an picked up a cougarlicious animal print see through blouse *grrrrr* So, there was a bar crawl and a million crazed 20 something showed up, all decked out. I think it was some sort of sports theme....may men dressed as Olympic swimmers *double grrrr* Nascar Drivers, Football Players, and then there was this guy...straight out of NACHO LIBRE! It was a great night..alas, no one was there as Beck's in his Armani underwear....I was ready to pounce on that one! ha-ha Of course the men were walking around looking at all the girls in their slutty costumes, they are so silly....why walk around to get a good look...just sit back and watch them parade in front of you like the girls did!

HELP! I'm obsessed with Casey Anthony

I am completely obsessed with Casey Anthony, I have to get updates every couple of hours and know all the players. Why? What is wrong with me? I live in the same area as she does, so, i think that is one factor. I was a teenage mother, that could be another factor, and I too considered leaving my kids, so I could go out and Party, I kid, I kid. OK, once I gave then dimetap, but that was because we were on a plane (for 6 hours) and they were two of them and only one of me, I swear, it was only that one time. I have not been to the Anthony house to protest, what ever it is they are protesting. I have been tempted to go see, but the Man would have a hissy fit. I can relate to those angry people. When I see her (Casey) I get angry, I feel like slapping her or shaking her, getting some sort of human response from her. And the Grandparents, what planet are they on? How can they have live with Casey, defend her, and say all the crazy things they say? Denial is such a powerful thing. I will tell you, I feel mostly obsessed with crazy women stories, when Brittney shaved her head, I nearly lost my shizz, I didn't want to go to work! I just wanted to watch the TV and surf the Internets and read the rags all day long. The moment I saw her crazy eyes in that picture while she was buzzing her head. I was hooked. Along these same lines it the TV show Snapped! on the oxygen Network. It's a show about women who go crazy and kill their husbands/lovers/boyfriends. The best episode ever is about that lady that ran over her cheating husband in the parking lot of the hotel where she was shtooping the lover! I am sure it all stems from my fragile mind forever contemplating going over to the dark side and letting the crazy portion in me REIGN!

I can BBQ and wear lipstick!

Found this at LOLHAN.....check them out- higlarious! http://www.lolhan.com/blog/

My Baby, the cutest dog on the Planet

Ok, so I just have to post this picture, because yes, I have become "one" of those people....you know, that talk about their dogs all the time, that carry pictures of them and think about them all day long...My only saving grace is that my husband has got it even worse than I do!

Her name is Little Lulu or in Spanish, La Pequena Lulu, yes, she is highly intelligent and bilingual. She has many nicknames: White Devil, Girls gone Wild and Cuca al aire...which I'm embarrassed to say means: Flash your coochie...eww, I know, but she loves to lay on her back flashing her cuca!

So her she is the cutest dog on the planet, in her floaty because she is not a good swimmer!

This is the "money shot" coochie flashing bitch running my household, oh yeah, besides ME...ha-ja

Virgin Mary or Hooded KKK guy?

A couple of weekends ago we spent some time on a River in a small town in Central Florida. One of the days was spent on a boat, with a captain and tour guide. He was a very nice man, very courteous and happy to tell us all sorts of stuff regarding the river, the area and it's history. As the day wore on I kept looking at a medallion he was wearing around his chest. I kept thinking it was of some virgin. That seemed very strange to me. This was a southern, white man, and in my mind it was hard to reconcile that he was Catholic. Now if there is one word that sums me up it's Curious, some might say nosey. I couldn't let it go. As I got a better look at the medallion, I almost tripped over and fell over board! It was in the background, the confederate flag (very common to see in Florida) in the middle a hooded clansman (which sorta looked like a virgin) and in the fore front a burning cross. As soon as I could I told my husband in Spanish, of course, he didn't believe me. He got a good look and confirmed it. Over the weekend we saw kids with swastika tattoos, dragon master tattoos, the "south shall rise again" stickers and a plethora of Southern Flags. What was disconcerting was that everyone was more than nice to us, even my husband and step son with their thick accents didn't seem to raise any eyebrows. My husband kept on admonishing me for speaking Spanish, he was sure we would wake up to a burning cross on the lawn of the house we had rented. Ha-ha! Like our speaking Spanish was going to give us away? Not his thick accent in English....anyway, I am sure our bringing our dogie who is an American Bulldog confused them into thinking we were one of them!

Watching IKE- been there done that

I am watching the fool in the red jacket on CNN barely able to stand up in the wind and the rain trying to report on Ike in Galveston. I feel for the poor people in Texas, having lived in Miami for 12 years. We never had shutters, year after year we boarded the house, at times we were evacuated, being very close to the sea (less than 2 miles), we went to a friends in Miramar, to my sister in Coral Gables, and more than once, when it looked really bad to Orlando. Of course nothing ever happened, well those times. Then came Rita, and Wilma. Did we leave the house? No. Did we board up? Nope. We rode it out, and let me tell you, it was BAD. Of course the Man slept through the whole thing (Wilma) with the hairy ones camped out in the bedroom and the dog shaking under the bed. After Wilma, we needed a new roof and had no electric for 2 weeks. Pray for the people of Texas.

kissing boys- squirming boys

Much Ado about the promise rings and sex bracelets......I remembered that in the 3rd grade we would play a game at lunch/recess. The game consisted of the girls chasing the boys, catching them and then holding them down (they were squirmy) and kissing them! Where were the teachers? Now, I was the champion at this game.

1. I was fast
2. I was big and could hold them down
3. I was not shy and didn't wuss out at the last minute

Hence the nickname- Electric Eel, apparently my kisses were "electrifying" and the the Eel part "sort" of rhymes with my first name, not really but boys are stupid, we all know this.

Just saying, even in the 3rd grade I was getting some ha-ha

Sex Bracelets & Promise Rings

Last night I asked my kids about those bracelets in middle school- We looked it up on-line and this is what each one meant, and how it works:

This new social phenomenon involves "snapping" the bracelet off the wearer, enabling the snapper to earn a sexual favor from the snappee based on the color of the snapped off bracelet.The colors each have a coded meaning as follows:
Yellow - indicates the wearer is willing to HUG
Pink - indicates the wearer is willing to give a hickey
Orange - indicates the wearer is willing to KISS
Purple - indicates the wearer is willing to kiss a partner of either sex
Red - indicates the wearer is willing to perform a LAP DANCE
Clear - indicates a willingness to do "whatever the snapper wants"
Blue - indicates ORAL SEX performed on a guy
Black - indicates that the wearer will have regular "missionary" sex
White - indicates the wearer will "FLASH" what they have
Glittery Yellow - indicates HUGGING and KISSING is acceptable
Glittery Pink - willing to "flash" (show) a body part
Glittery Purple - wearer is willing to French (open mouth) kiss
Glittery Clear - indicates that the wearer will let the snappee "feel up" or touch any body part they want

That being said my kids say it was IMPOSSIBLE to snap the damn things! ha-ah But said some girls "gave" the bracelets away to boys they liked and they got hugs or pecks on the cheek....no stories of girls giving BJ's behind the Gym! Thank God, not that they would tell me either!

Fuco Diet? Total Nympho?

I got this in my junk mail folder today. Maybe it's because I STILL have the effing FLU, or because I haven't slept well in ages, it just cracked me up!

The FUCO diet? Why would I pay for that, when I could do it for free at home, I have a willing husband!

With the Power of Fucoxanthin (hmmm, sounds like fucks and thin) try it and lose as much weight as you possibly can...how much would that be?

Which reminds me of a conversation with the Man...

Man: What happened to you?

Me: Huh?

Man: You used to be a total Nympho

Me: What? when, I was never...

Man: Yeah...OK, I was just thinking about how cool it would be if you were.

Me: keep hope alive

The Man thinks I'm mean

10 pm- The man is watching Lisa Lampenelli (the funniest woman ever)
10 pm- I am cleaning up the kitchen, laughing cuz I can hear Lisa Lampanelli
10:15- The man is watching Lisa Lampenelli
10:15- I am purchasing the tickets for our Thanksgiving Trip, laughing cuz I can hear LL
10:20- The man is still watching LL
10:20- I am feeding the dog and getting her ready for bed, laughing cuz I can hear LL
10:30- The man is watching LL
10:30- I am rounding up the hairy ones corralling back to their rooms where they will pretend to sleep, but will really be TXT'ing, IM'ing, on their cell phones or even climbing out the windows (oh yes, both busted the same night!) while still laughing with LL
10:45- The man is watching LL
10:45- I am turning off lights, fans, locking doors, turning on the dishwasher and laughing at hearing LL
10:59- The man turns off the TV, rolls over and announces we have to go to sleep NOW!
10:59- I dump a load of clean laundry (all his gym stuff) on the bed...this is what ensued:

Man- I HAVE to go to sleep, just dump them over there
Me- No
Man- I can't sleep with the light on and all that clothes on the bed
Me- so
Man- What do you want me to do *whine*
Me- HOW ABOUT HELP ME FOLD YOUR CLOTHES!
Man- your as mean as Lisa Lampenelli!
Me- well maybe I'll run off and be a comedienne!
Man- you should, you're mean enough, crazy and a little funny

hmmmmmmm....dully noted, man, dully noted

I love the 80's

I know, I know we all do....So would it be more appropriate to say I am obsessed with the 80's. I have been dying to have an 80's party, it's true, everyone has done it. The only problem is that I won't turn 40 for another 4 years! And since I want to have a crazy (let's go crazy-prince) blowout, I need a real good excuse to spend the money on a big bash. So, I have a NEW idea-

My 20th wedding anniversary is coming up- (8/31/2010) in 2 years, better than 4! How about a re-newal of the vows with an 80's theme?

wha-hahahaaaaaaa, it would be like a shotgun wedding/tacky prom! hmmm, sounds like my actual wedding! Do you all like this idea? Is it too much, even for me? How will I get the Man to fall for this one?

This is how I aspire to look...

I can hear the music playing in the back...Hello, is it me you're waiting for?

These bitches are SO invited, these girls just want to have fun!

This guy is gonna do the running man ALL NIGHT LONG
These girls like to Party All the TIME

Still Sick-pesky FLU!

BTW, I am still sick! Last night my whole body ached and I got up at 12:28 to take some things to knock me out, but it took forever to kick in, I was freezing and tossing and turning in bed. At 1:00 am, I got kicked out of bed by the Man, I was already on my way to the sofa anyway.

Does anyone know if there is some sort of competitive sport that involves either excessively loud open mouth breathing or extremely heavy nose breathing? Is there any money in this? God Damn it, I am living with a Champion!

Promise Rings- oy-vey

I have teenagers and have no desire for them to be having sex with any one! Having said that, I think promise rings are creepy! I also think those colored bracelets that kids were wearing, with different colors for different sex acts are creepy too! Don't run around proclaiming virginity 'till marriage, you might be 30 before you get married, for God's sake, think about it! Unless you plan on getting married at 17 or soon after, your chances of suceding are going to be very low. I want anyone who is interested in marrying a 30 year old virgin (male or female) to e-mail me RIGHT NOW! In fact anyone who seriously knows a 30 year old virgin and thinks that person is completely normal, I NEED to know.

I want my kids to have healthy, meaningful, age appropriate relationships with the opposite sex. Yes, at some point that includes sex and therefore they have access to condoms. we have a condom stash in the house, which replenishes it self periodically, no questions asked. The 16 year old could be using them as water balloons or maybe the 21 year old is gettin busy...who knows?!

He finally gets it!

An actual conversation I had with my husband this morning:

Me: Hello
The Man: How are you feeling? Are you still sick?
Me: I feel better, I’m just so tired and all and I didn’t do any laundry this weekend because I was sick, and I have to go to the supermarket after work, because there is nothing to eat in the house ( I have to milk it you know)
The Man: Oh, honey, you were not born for this…*sigh*
Me: huh?
The Man: You just weren’t born for work, or house work or any of that stuff
STOP THE PRESSES! Well, DUH!!! It took him 18 years to figure out that I am Marie Antoinette re-incarnate???
Me: Just keep playing the lotto baby
The Man: uh-OK

This is ME...

I loved this! Sarcasm at it's finest!
By the way:

• I drive a mini
• I am technically brown
• I never watch Fox News
• Question everything

CODE ADAM- POOP YOUR PANTS!

If you are a mother and have ever heard those words: CODE ADAM, you know it’s bad. Adam Walsh was a child who abducted from a Mall in Florida and was later found dead, his father is the guy form America’s most Wanted. So when your child goes missing, for example in a Toy’s R Us store and you alert employees, they get on their radios and stars saying: Code Adam. The whole store goes in to lock down, no one leaves, the employees perform a sweep and no one gets out until your child is found. As a parent there is nothing worse than this, you hear CODE ADAM you start crying a poop your pants.
How do I know this? Well, he’s called Stevie. The first time we went to the Magic Kingdom he was 3 and fast asleep in the umbrella stroller, we walked in at noon in the middle of the Main Street Parade. Apparently he had opened his eyes, because he suddenly jumped up and bolted into the crowd and ended up “in” the parade grabbing Goofy. Zero impulse control, one of the many delights of ADHD. Here are some of the worst….
One Halloween, after we had gone tricker-treating and I had put the kids to bed (he was about 5) there were still some stragglers, mostly teens, as it was 9pm. While I handed out candy at the front door, Stevie decided he still had some tricker-treating to do, and left the house via the kitchen door. At 9:30, I open the door to a woman who is very upset with my baby in his jammies. I never even knew he was gone. I was speechless, she was pissed, and Stevie had chocolate all over his face. She lived 3 cul-de-sacs away. How many houses did he hit? What did those people think of a 5 year old barefoot, alone in jammies? Thank God she did not call Child Services, she must have seen to look of horror on my face, even though I looked about 12!
Another Halloween, maybe it was the following year, we went to Miami Seaquarium for a night time Halloween something or other. We were 4 families with at least 10 or 12 kids and the park was packed. Then of course, where’s Stevie? I thought you had him, no, no, no….We looked a good 10 minutes before I grabbed and employee, that’s when they start yelling Code Adam, the park shuts down, all the light go up, haunted house is halted. Everything stops…Stevie had gone to see the Salty the Sea lion show, he got bored waiting for us to decide where to go to next. Of course the whole time I was crying thinking Orca had eaten him just like those EFFING movies!
Yes, we used those “baby leashes” on him and yes, we assigned someone to him all the time, it sounds terrible, but he was the WORST! I swear, I have another some I NEVER lost and I NEVER lost any of my step kids, that 3 to 1, it was Stevie I tell you!

VMA's on my Deathbed

So I have been sick in bed since Friday night, some sort of Flu that basically covered the whole Pepto-Bismol song (nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea) plus the lovely NyQuil slogan: sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, stuffy head. Unfortunately by Sunday at 7pm, the headache was a full blown migraine and I had not had anything to eat since some corn pops that morning. I tried to eat some popcorn, but got sick, and when I got sick I thought my head was going to explode! Then I did the unthinkable, out of shear desperation....I started to cry. I don't know about your house, but everyone goes bananas in mine when I cry. The boys freaked out and then my husband lost his shit. He wanted to take me to the hospital. All I wanted to do was take a shower so I could relax and then watch the VMA's. So, he yelled at me for about 3 minutes straight about my crappy diet and the reason I am sick is because I don't do exercise, and I better start being healthy next week. Oh no, now I've done it, I am going to have to walk or something for a few weeks before he let's it go! I then sent him to CVS for the following:

1. Excedrin Migraine
2. Coca-Cola
3. Ramen Noodle Soup

I was magically cured! I watched the VMA in peace! Here are my observations:

• Britney was looking good (except for those extensions)
• Rhianna is my new hero!
• Pink was the hottest thing ever!
• Loved Christina, but she should not have been wearing the cat suit
• The venue sucked

Everything else was lame and boring, I thought the host was pretty funny, but no one seemed to be laughing.

enough about you...MORE about me...

I live with 4 stinky, hairy men: 1 I married (I was bamboozled, as I was only 18) 1 I inherited with the husband and 2 I birthed (my own body betrayed me and gave me boys), I am quite feminine and adore being a girl! Thank God they have all learned that I am the QUEEN of the house and I must be obeyed, this makes things much more bearable in my home. I thank my lucky stars that my sister, Coco (better known to you, as evil-stepsister#1) happened about blogging and all these amazing sites (she is a stay at home Mom of 1 little girl and she has a live in, she obviously has plenty of time to “research” blogs!)

In my mind I am Lucy Ricardo, I already have the hot Latin husband with a funny accent, minus the night club job, he's Ricky! I am in desperate need of my Ethel (if you're hot that's good, just not hotter than me)So ladies, if you need a crazy Latin lady friend and are up for crazy missions, non-stop shopping, never ending gossip, I am ready, willing, and able, besides being cute, funny and genetically predisposed to just the right amount of insanity! I will even throw in my sister’s as an added friend, she is a nut, and so is her daughter! She is raising the ULTIMATE diva, I fear that in 20 years my niece will be running rampant thinking she is the Queen of the World! As long as I can tag along (yes, I will still be wearing a bikini and drinking many vodka cocktails) it should be GREAT fun!

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Addmission of Guilt, Axis of Evil

So, a few posts ago I told you all about the evil stepsisters....and of course sister #1 had once again to pretend it was all a BIG FAT LIE...however, this Summer we all got together at a beach house, where there was finally an admission of guilt by evil step sister #2. This is what was admitted too...

The evils asked my mother or permission to go to the movies with 2 male friends, they were granted permission with the condition that they take me along, which meant that they were to see a family film, as I was 5. Keep this number in mind: 5!

We go to the movies, me, ES #1, ES #2, and the Pacheco bros. Did we seen Benji? no... Did we see Bugsy Malone (w/ Scott Baio) no...How about the Muppet Show or Bad News Bears? NO, NO, NO...we saw JAWS. In a dark theater, very loudly, too embarrassed to wait outside or cover my face in horror in front of two teenage boys. I saw JAWS, all of it.

Now, I must have been threatened with in inches of my life because I did not tell, however the effects are still present!

• when we went water skiing (I was 11) in a man made lake, and I fell and had to wait for the boat to circle around to pick me up, I almost drown due to a panic attack
• I am forever uncomfortable swimming out in the ocean
• I can't even swim in a pool at night!

Now when I was 18, I was at the beach with Evil #2 and she had swum out and was calling me to go to where she was. I was wadding and started inching towards her, but then there was a drop off, a big one. I couldn't do it. She swam back and tried to make me come out, grabbing my had and coaxing me, we'll do it together. I was almost in tears. I am sure that was the moment she realized how bad watching JAWS at 5 can be for you. Still the little evil #2 did not mention the evil deed.

Lo and behold we all got together at a beach house and as always I brought up my horrific scars caused by the terrible actions of the evil sisters and to my disbelief she blurted " we didn't think they would let us in" A-HA! I made her repeat it in front of everyone- Admission of guilt...

My new dangerous obsession!

At one point I was highly obsessed with my scale, well, that's not accurate, not just my scale, all scales. I found myself getting on the scale at least 20 times a day...sick, right? Naked, clothed, with shoes, without shoes, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. I would weigh myself after ever meal, every time I used the restroom, well you get the picture. That was then, this in now.There is an old scale somewhere in my house, I do not use. The only way I know my weight, is because I go to the doctor and they weigh me there. I now weigh 150lbs, thank God I am 5'6 and not 5'2, so it doesn't seem like that much on my body, it seems just right to me. When I need to buy new clothes because mine is getting too baggy, then I know I probably lost some weight.

My new obsession is my blog, and seeing how many people visit it and how I'm tracking it! I am starting to think it is just as sick as the scale thing. I check it all the time and am so disappointed when the numbers are low. That Google analytics is the devil, Thanks SUE at http://happymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com/! So this is a plea to you all....sign up, subscribe, become my follower, love me, worship me, follow me to Jonestown and drink my kool-aid...*opps* just kidding, on the Jonestown part. I think the best case scenario is if I am able to avoid medication, and that involves YOU checking my Blog constantly, OK? Good, we are in agreement

Mama has a FAT ASS!

No, these are not my children, but believe you me....if they would have know how to read and write, they would have done this! And if my husband would have ever thought I would not hunt him down and beat him down, he would have put them up to it.

Here are small indications that my kids were the anti-Christ and or demon's, these are days that document their evilness.

• They day they learned to kick each other in the balls, was the best day of their lives, and from that moment on, all arguments ended up in a kick in the nuts.
• They day my sister's then boyfriend, now husband came to the pool and my kid yelled "You look just like Austin Powers!" He has a hairy chest...
• The day the oldest taught the youngest to "moon", thereafter mostly done when Grandma had company over, this to them never got old!

This one could have landed me in jail and it would have been all their fault!

They stole a camera unbeknown to me, then one day I go to pick up my pictures at the Eckerd's and when I start looking though them I find the following:

Lovely pictures of a picnic, my family, my friend's baby, Holdays and then WTF!?

picture #1- the boys in the guest bathroom

picture #2 - pants around shoes on the floor (uh-oh)

picture #3- bare butt checks

picture #4- the face of one them cracking up

picture #5- butt crack (who knows of who?)

picture #6- full on butt hole

Can you imagine! oh my Lord! Really, what did the person at photo-mat think???

File this under WTF?

I just saw this....all I can say is I told you all, Disney is Evil....bring your kids, stay with me and we'll all got to Universal. The guy that dress' up as Spiderman, OMG what a behind, so squishy-licous!

Optical Illusion or HUGE boobs?

OK, this is my baby, Little Lulu, she is the only dog my husband has ever "knowingly" let sleep in bed with us, yes she is the most captivating, beautiful puppy ever...but look closely at this picture....WTF?!?! Check out my cleavage! I know it is an optical illusion, gravity, something...if my bresteses were THAT big I would topple over trying to walk down the street! Just saying, people OMG!

WTF? It takes two baby...

So I went to a Smashing Pumpkins Concert last Friday Night, it was at the Hard Rock Live, and was an awesome show! The best part was the Hard Rock has a great bar and sell these GINORMOUS drinks, in Slushee size cups, needles to say: 2 drinks and I was buzzin like a bee.

I moved all the way up front with my buzz and was thinking to myself, hmmmm, that Billy Corgan isn't bad looking, for a bald, albino wearing a really long skirt...hmmmmm, WTF? What is it about alcohol that gets me THAT way? Does it happen to you?

Next someone gave me a free t-shirt, see below, it says Summer Krush and then they had a station where you could get your name stuck to the back of it. You know just like those IRON- On's we made at home or at the cool store at the Mall in the 70's! So, I was going to put my name on it, and I thought that was Dorky, so I had the brazilliant idea of putting WTF on the back, my new favorite saying...only I was a little more buzzed than the I realized because I kept on telling the guy: "W.F.T"...and laughing, like a moron at my cleverness "you know, like What the Fuck!" He of course dryly replied "oh, you mean WTF"...ummm yeah, give me my damn shirt you whipper snapper!