Bad Man, bad bad man

I am sure you have seen this video by now. I, for one have been watching it all week. I even told the HUBS about it while we were walking on the boardwalk eating ice cream on Madeira Beach, he just looked at me crazy, as usual. Why do I love this video so much? You know this has to be this DJ's wife. It makes me think of when you go into the bathroom before bed and when you come out "someone" is in their underwear doing a little dance thinking they are funny and gonna get some. That is the look on that woman's face. Complete and utter resignation that she is married to HIM.

English Mangler

English Mangler should be my new nickname for the HUBS.

Please LORD, never let him read or hear about this post.

The HUBS did not speak any English until the day his parents shipped him off to Military Academy in Marion, Alabama. Via Greyhound bus from his brother's place in Gainesville, Florida (he was a student at UF.) You want to hear his Greyhound stories about his travels though North Florida, Georgia and Alabama, but that's another post. He did not speak a LICK of English and resorted to nodding his head ALOT at the Military Academy.

If you ask him about his experience in Marion he will say: The whites hated the blacks, and the blacks hated the whites, the only one thing they could agree upon was that they ALL hated the 1 spic! This always cracks me up, well because imagining my husband at 17 not understanding a word of English, getting demerits left and right for not following directions (because perhaps he didn't understand the language?!) and having to march in the rain as punishment is evil and makes me laugh. Why? Because as the HUBS says all the time: I am an Evil Bitch, and he's right.

So long story short, English is obviously not his first language, he has a think accent and has trouble with his tenses to this very day. How think of an accent? Just the other day his client wrote the CEO of my HUBS company and very nice letter, saying the HUBS is awesome, amazing, wonderful and reminds him of the GREAT Ricardo Montalban! buawahaha, we rolled around laughing on the bed for a good ten minutes over that one. HE really is super cute, the HUBS, oh, and Ricardo Montalban was too. OMG, don't know who Ricardo Montalban is? The dude from Fantasy Island, Kahn from the Star Trek movies, the Grampa from Spy Kids, what are you 12?

Moving on, the HUBS loves, I mean is obsessed with American sayings. You know, like: Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That sort of thing. So whenever he hears one, he memorizes it and just throws it into a random conversation (acting all proud of himself)

However, he is forever EFFING them up.

Examples:

The cat is out of the Hat! (no honey, the cat is out of the bag)

A bull in a Chinese shop! (what? you mean a bull in a china shop)

The ones he actually memorizes correctly, just sound weird. His favorite by far are the following, which he uses all the time:

not the sharpest tool in the shed
not the brightest crayon in the box
not the sharpest knife in the drawer
not the sharpest tack in the box

or

The lights are on but no one is home
Doesn't have both oars in the water
A few sandwiches short of a picnic basket
Not playing with a full deck
Not the brightest star in the constellation

Which in other words: HE LOVES saying how dumb people are! Sometimes I think he just says these things to hear himself say them, the opportunity has risen in the conversation, I don't think it is about the poor sap about which the conversation is about! I blame his boss who is a Southerner and every other sentence has some new saying for the HUBS to learn.

Kids Movies

I know some of you won't believe me when I say this. I miss animated movies. I miss looking forward to the release of an animated movie with my kids. Something we would all get excited about and go to the movies a Sunday morning to avoid the long lines. I don't miss the fact that I didn't see an R rated movie for eons...or that sometimes the HUBS and I would take turns going to the movies alone, just to see a movie we didn't want to miss in theaters. Nothing like being a fat girl going to a theater alone holding a tub of popcorn to make you feel like a GINORMOUS loser.

We still go to the movies together every once in a while, like we went to go see "Hot Tub Time Machine" for one of the Hairy's 19th B-day. I know, wildly inappropriate movie to see with you rkids, what can I say: we ARE that Family. Yes, I am that Mom.

In my defense, I objected loudly and profusely when the HUBS decide we should go see Scary Movie. He bitched and moaned, how everyone at work had seen it and it wasn't that bad and it was a comedy and I was a fuddy duddy, so I caved, even though it was rated R. Well, about 10 minutes into the movie when the one guy puts his penis in a hole in the wall of the bathroom stall and starts slapping the second guy in the face with it, he too decided it was inappropriate.

What did he do? Oh, the HUBS, he bolted up and almost ran out the theater. Leaving me alone with the two boys, to walk out slowly holding their hands and shushing the "but, why are we leaving?" So the whole theater could witness my bad parenting. Scary Movie was released in 2000, so they were 9 & 8, wow, that was a good idea HUBS!

A while later we took them to see "The Ring." Really, how bad could it be? It was rated PG 13, we justified, they were 11 & 13. How bad was it? Both the HUBS and I had nightmares about that movies. I am sure my youngest was scarred for life. In fact to this day he refuses to watch scary movies (of which the rest of the family is fanatics of) No one can remember if it was because of this or was even before. In my defense, he didn't even like Goosebumps. Case in point we all went to see "Paranormal Activity" except the baby (now 17) he bailed. Which is a good thing, because I almost pooped my pants that movie was so scary!

All was lost when I promised to take the oldest to see Wedding Crashers with his bestie, they were both 14, for some reason, I was convinced the movie was rated PG-13, not a problem. At the last minute the youngest (had just turned 13) decided to come along. When we got to the Theater, I realized it was rated R. I hemmed and hawed and caved to the pressure of 3 boys. My logic was: how bad can it be? If they get the jokes, it's because they already have been exposed to what is being presented. Thinking most of the humor would go right over my baby's head. Boy, was I wrong! He laughed the hardest. He laughed so hard he cried, fell out the chair and almost couldn't breath! I spent most of the movie looking at his reactions, in the scene where the adorable Isla Fischer gives Vince Vaughn a "handy" under the table, he laughed so hard he actually smacked himself across the face! It was then I knew there would be no more Disney movies in our future.

The kids had seen Up! at friends houses and kept on talking about how good it was. Then they would add, Mom, don't watch it, it's too sad. Knowing what a big cry baby I am. A couple of times the said how much the character of the older man made them think of Grampa. Well, I finally saw Up! and yes, I cried my eyes out, my heart hurt thinking about my Dad and the days when it really was touch and go for my Mom. How he felt everything crashing down around him. But, I laughed and smiled too. I wanted to reach out and squish the boyscout and wished I would have a voice box for my Lulu. Who I am sure would yell "Squirrel" every 2 seconds, along with lizard and bird. The kids gave me Wall-E for Christmas and watched it with me as part of the gift. Up! was mother's day. We have started a new tradition, so I can hold on to my babies as long as I can.

Speaking of Up! check this out: HE LIVES!!!

It's all Oprah's fault

Months and months ago I saw a sweepstakes on-line, it was an Oprah sweepstakes and the prize was: you and 3 friends got a weekend getaway to New York with Oprah! I mean really, it was an awesome giveaway. I thought to myself, you're lucky! Remember that one time you won 50 wings at Hooters! So, I decided I would enter. Now I'm no retard, but I somehow ended up with a subscription to Oprah magazine, you see those harpies at Harpo played the little switeroo on me. I entered the sweepstakes, oh let me tell you right now, I DID NOT win, and in the process of entering, somehow signed up for O Magazine.

A couple of months go by and I get the first issue...and since the magazine is like $10 an issue, I read that bitch COVER TO COVER. I can't complain too much, as it is an amazing magazine. I actually enjoy reading the articles and feel zero guilt, unlike after I waste an hour devouring US Weekly. I read every issue, make some of the recipes, share with my girls about what I read in it, etc....then in one issue there is an article about Bikrham Yoga. Here is the link to the article- Yoga Challenge

I read the article and was suckered in. I was in bad shape, but no where near the basket case that wrote the article. Isn't it great when we find someone we perceive to be worse of than ourselves! Such fun. So I found a Bikrham Yoga Studio in my area, I called and got some information and decided to go check it out.

Now here is the dumb ass move of the century: I told THE HUBS about it! DUH- So, we go together and do the class, and that's why I am stuck going for 6 months. It's horrible, awful. I mean really, you feel like throwing up, pooping, passing out and wish for death the last 30 minutes. My brain is out of control the whole class, I have to bite my tongue to no blurt out sarcastic quips to the teachers instructions and and the end of class when the teacher says: Namaste and all the sweaty half dead students lying on the floor reply-"namaste" it takes every ounce of my being not to SHOUT back: NAMASTE BITCHES! I have yet to develop the BALLS to wear my Namaste, Bitches! t-shirt to the Yoga Studio- if you have no idea what I am referring to with the whole Namaste, Bitches! click here

There is one pose called "wind removing pose" and some one farts, with out fail every class, and I am expected to not bust out laughing?!?

The very first class I took the teacher approached me during a simple pose, when you place your forehead to your knee while standing. Well this is not so hard unless you have giant boobs, in which case they are seriously in the way. Believe me I tried moving them to the left, moving them to the right, separating them and bringing my head between the two- um, yeah, wasn't even going to happen. So this 5'10, 80 pound hippy dippy instructor walks over to me and says in her yoga voice (you know what I'm talking about)- This is a compression pose, your forehead must touch your knee. I look up at her, she is wearing yoga shorts and a bikini top, she has NO breasts. I smile and grab my boobies, - I have two very large obstacles, which are in the way. She's cute about it and says she wished she had that problem. In my head I yell: REALLY?! Want a GIANT ASS as well?

More to com eon the Bikram Yoga Torture and how I am paying them a CRAP load of money to sweat, suffer and try to not pass gas (audibly, at least) for at least 3 times a week.

What Sandra Bullock should do

I am sure many of you out there are like me and have been thinking about Sandra Bullock non-stop. No? Not really, well, wateves.

I have. Just the same as I thought about Elin for days and days. Why? Hell if I know! I think about everything all the time non-stop, random and unrelated to me. Sometimes I actually have things to do that are pertinent to my life and I don"t do them because I am busy thinking of things that are absolutely irrelevant to me.

Any who!? Moving along, I feel bad for Sandra in a way I would feel bad if it happened to my girlfriends. Like I want to get drunk with her and go egg Jesse James house or worse, much much worse.

I felt so bad for her because, really she had no choice. She had to get a divorce. Unlike Elin, she has a career which is very visible. I mean really if she stayed married, she would have to account to be being married to a Nazi (as some people claim) at every press junket for the rest of her life. Her husband's poor choices would affect her career, all this on top of the complete humiliation of the cheating from her scum spouse in the public eye forever and ever.

But now that I have come to terms with Sandy's (were tight like that) situation and when I saw the cover with her gorgeous little boy, I felt like she is going to be OK.

She will trudge through this and have her precious baby and here is the kicker....

When she is good and ready, she needs to call her old boyfriend up: RYAN GOSLING and get a little cougar lovin.....because really who couldn't use a little more HOT CANADIAN in their lives...

And in honor of that hot hunk of man- Ryan Gosling- and my mental revelation: What Sandy needs is some HOT COUGAR LOVE- check out this hilarious blog-
Fuck YEAH! Ryan Gosling!

A REAL Alien

When the kids were younger, my husband had yet to become an American Citizen. Mostly because it was a pain and expensive, and we were lazy.

So he had what is called a "Green Card" on this card there was his picture and it said: Legal Alien Resident on the top of it.

The year Men in Black came out in the movies, the boys were obsessed with it. The had the video and watched it all the time.

That Christmas, we all went to visit my parents in Guatemala, this meant we had our passports and my husband had to bring his green card to get back in the States.

The usual drill when we are in Guatemala is dump the kids on my parents, go out and party with all our high school buds. Well, they must have been bored at Granma and Grampa's, and as usual the oldest came up with some mischief.

Upon our arrival at my parents house, the youngest did not want to come anywhere near his Father. Did'nt want to touch him, look at him, be in the same room with him.

Hours went by and he would'nt budge. He finally confesses to me the following:

I know Daddy is an Alien.

WOW! What do you say to that? Where the HELL did that come from?

Of course I laughed (which I probably shouldn't have since he was crying and looked scared shitless)- No he isn't! That's silly- I responded.

Alex (his older brother) said you would deny it. I know it's true. I saw the paper!

WHAT?!?-

The little bugger ran out the room and ran back with the HUBS green card in his hand.

HE pushed it in to my face- YOU SEE!!! A-L-I-E-N

That's when I rolled off the bed I was laughing so hard.

It finally took Grampa's word and explanation to convince my youngest son that his father was not one of these guys:

I mean really, if he was an Alien, he would defenitly be this GUY:

Dear Arizona,

What does an Illegal Alien look like?

Brown, Mexican, poor? Is that who they are referring to when the say illegal Immigrants?

I heard the law referred to as "Breathing while Hispanic" it the new crime.

What does Hispanic even mean? *the word means you a descendant of a country in which Spanish is spoken or see wiki: A person residing in the United States, Latin America or worldwide of Spanish ancestry.

WOW, that's a shit load of people to fuck with Arizona.

While English is my first language and I have no accent, my husband's is thick, he's lucky, he looks "white" so his accent is often mistaken for Austrian (don't ask.)

If on vacation in Arizona should we make sure we are not "too tan" before going? Avoid getting in a pick up truck? Wearing shabby clothes or visiting 7-11? We certainly would make sure we didn't speak in Spanish, and we would be sure to carry our American Passports with us at all times, just to be safe.

Yes, I know Arizona, you pay big $$ to school illegal kids and big $$ for all the illegal health care.

How much is all the boycotting going to cost Arizona?

Being Latino simply can not a reasonable reason for a Police Officer to ask that you prove citizenship.

What does Latino look like?

Everyone in the pictures above are immigrants from Latin America. We all have made our lives here, married here, had our children here, work here and pay taxes. If I am not mistaken, most of them are now US Citizens. Latinos: we are all shapes, sizes, colors ans shades of hair and skin, I for one, as a HUMAN BEING can not stomach this ridiculous law.

Oh, for shits and giggles I am including a picture of my sisters kids. The are born and bread in Latin America and their English sucks.

Drastic Changes

Lady Godiva decided to cut his hair, all on his own. I was uneasy with the decision, I was not sure how he was going to look with short hair, I had grown very accustomed to his long hair.

He looks so different, so grown up, I miss my baby.

On the bright side, he donated his hair to make a hair piece for children with cancer. He is very sweet like that. For years he has been collecting the tab off soda cans and he claims they donate 5 cents for every tab. I don't know what charity or where he takes them, but he always has zip lock bags with those metal tabs in them.

OK...get ready, here are the before and after pics..TA DA DA DA

Mo's Hairy Legs

I want to state that I'm not a hater, I just don't get it!


Back log, back log...this is how far behind I am with my posting, right after the Oscar's I was going to make fun of Monique's hairy ass legs....but well, it's April now and so irrelevant.

First of all, when my husband fantasizes about wining the LOTTO, he lists all the cars and motorcycles he is going to buy. How he will have a mansion on the water in Florida and a ranch on the West coast (this is for me) and all the gadgets, etc, etc, etc...ME? The day we hit the jackpot I will RUN to the nearest LASER HAIR REMOVAL center and have them BUZZ me from my eyebrows down to my toes!

I hate shaving, waxing plucking. Of course, it doesn't help that I am white as chalk and have hair dark as coal and thick as phone cable, so go figure.

So since I did not post this way back when, I have been thinking about Monique's hairy legs, and I admire her. She has balls! Oh, I go days without shaving, but will leave my house covered in a damn Burka, in 105 Florida heat. No one sees my Chewbaccaness in public!

She just doesn't give a crap! I like that.

Now this girl in the picture below, well I don't know about her, that is a whole different story.

I'm not dead- but almost

I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I disappeared with out a trace and did not even post that I was alive. In the past this has happened when I was having WAY to much fun. Well, not this time.

It all started with pizza and beer on Friday night. Come Saturday at noon, I was not feeling well, worst of all I had to endure the mild rage of: THE HUBS.

OMG- how many times are you going to eat Pizza and get sick?!? I told you not to eat pizza. The next time I see you eating pizza *pow* to the moon! (not exactly, but you get it)

So throwing up Saturday, Sunday, Monday- hmmmm, maybe it wasn't the pizza? No one else is sick in the house?!

More ranting from THE HUBS on Monday night- When are you going to go the the Doctor?! What has to happen to make you call the guy?! You're probably sick because you haven't eating in the days, and your stomach is rebelling! Have some toast and tea, it will settle you stomach.

The man brings me toast and tea, I dutifully eat 1/2 the toast and about 2 ounces of tea. Well, somehow I manage to projectile vomit through my nose and mouth about 10000999 ounces of water 20 minutes later. I almost choked, peed my self a little when my life flashed before my eyes and then started to cry.

This was a BIG mistake, because of course THE HUBS lost his damn mind and wanted to go to the ER. I wanted to shower and go to bed.

At knife point I was forced to call the Doc at 8am the Tuesday morning.

DOC- hmmm, no liquids held down since Saturday am. OK, go to the E.R. I will see you there.

Which ER you ask? The CRAZY seventh day Adventist one, of course! I got there at 9:30 am on Tuesday..

Well, apparently not eating and drinking and throwing up all the time is pretty BAD, because I was admitted, then pumped full of magnesium, potassium, and IV that looked like yellow Gatorade and got GIANT tubes of sugar pumped into my arm.

Here are the FACTS of my stay:

• I didn't get to leave until Friday at 9:30PM
  
• This annoyed my sister greatly since she was kicked out 22 hours after having her kid
• (84 hours!) I could have had 3.8 babies!
• They never figured out what I had-just said a virus
• It took the Doc 48 to actually see me in person in the hospital (that's what I call service!)
  
• I gave the Chaplin the stink eye
• got into an almost fight with a non English speaking volunteer, over what an Atheist is.
  
• lost 10 lbs
  
• watched FOOD Network and HGTV the WHOLE time!
• was bored out my mind

So ladies and gays all these stories and more are coming up, and I am really sorry for being so bad....will you ever forgive? I can;t live with out the $10 a month I make off BlogHer! haha!!!

In other news I have come up for a new nickname for THE HUBS and the bestie's (the Ethel to my Lucy or maybe I am the Ethel to her Lucy?) HUB, from this day forward they will be known as THE MOFO's, how apropo, no?

The Pussy Wagon

So, I am A HUGE Kill Bill Fan and I have been know to shake ma bootay to Lady Gaga every now and again, but throw into that mix a dash a Sasha Fierce! Oh my oh my, I think I jumped up and clapped when I saw the "Pussy Wagon" and I actually hee-hee'ed when Ms. Beyonce said "you have been a bad girl. A very very bad bad girl Gaga!! HA-HA What fun! LOVED IT & HAD TO SHARE IT!

Chat Roulette and Dirty Minds

No doubt you have heard about Chat Roulette by now. It has been all over the TV and the blogs.

I personally have not tired it yet, mostly because the HUBS is already suspicious of what I do on-line. He knows of the Blog but tries to avoid it, has no clue what twitter is and deep down my internetz use is suspicious to him, he thinks the Internetz should only be used to look and or buy: motorcycles & watches.

Of course one of the Hairy's tried it out and saw a big ole peen in the first screen shot, so there you have it, the HUBS was right to be suspicious.

What I have been doing lately is going on to YouTube and looking up Chat Roulette gags, and well, this is the best I could find. Watch it, you will laugh, and don't worry there is NOTHING remotely dirty in this video, I SWEAR~!

Crap Movie

Thanks to Netflix last night I got to watch a craptastic movie called: Knowing.

Really, for years now I have avoided any movie starring Nicolas Cage and as I thought about it last night, I was PISSED!

What happened Nicolas Cage?!?! How did you go from this:A sexy sexy wooden handed man in Moonlighting to this:





A man starring in every crappy script thrown his way?

OK, let's forget about looks, think only of the his amazing beginnings: Fast Times at Ridegmont High, Rumble Fish, Raising Arizona to end up in Ghost Rider, National Treasure, The Wicker man, let alone Knowing.

It annoys me so much that it almost ruins Moonstruck for me! I love that movie and watch it at least once a year, but it is getting hard for me to watch it without thinking of where Nicolas Cage is headed.

I wanna run into him and slap him across the face and yell "SNAP OUT OF IT!" just like Cher.

Is the wooden hand thing wrong?

Bow down- it's my Birthday!

Today is my actual Birthday, yes today is the day that my parents finally got their dream daughter and today is the day that the evil (step)-sisters RUE.

Actually, middle sister says she remembers going to the hospital and looking at me through the glass, she says she asked our Dad "why is she so red and why won't she stop screaming?" That's all she remembers.

Last night we ordered Chinese take out, as I had no desire to cook, it was amazing and everyone overate BIG TIME. I went to bed not feeling well. A little after midnight I was dreaming about Birthday cake, in the dream I was saying "No, Thank you"

Really, me, turning down a piece of cake, they kept on insisting, EAT SOME, EAT SOME! I bolted up, out of my slumber, ran to the bathroom and *BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHH* out came all the Chinese food. Well, not all because I spent the rest of the night sitting on the toilet. Lovely, right? I bet you weren't expecting that mental image in my Birthday post.

I had to drag myself to work today, as the receptionist is out sick, needless to say I have canceled my B-day lunch with girlfriends and my B-day dinner with the Hubs and kids.

I have to tell you the the gifts I got at my party totally represent who I am as a person:

• Gift Certificate to Victoria's Secret
• Bath Products
• Yankee Candle with gorgeous holder
• Super Fun Jewelry
• Hand crafted glycerin soaps with cherries in them
• Hooters Gift Certificates

Really what else could a woman ask for?

I have began pondering next years Birthday party and I am pretty sure I am going to kick the Hairys and the Hubs out of the house and have a SLUMBER PARTY! Seriously, this may be the best idea ever!!!

Now everybody SCREAM

Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention!

My Suprise Birthday Party- which I planned

Just by reading this blog you can probably tell I'm the kind of girl that likes to party. Just a little, and only once in a while *HA*

The insanity started when I turned 30, I decided that I wanted to throw myself a party. I didn't need the HUBS to do it, or anyone else. My philosophy has long been: If you want flowers, plant a garden. If you want a Birthday Party, throw one for yourself, don't sit around on your ass hopping your man is gonna grow a Woman's brain and throw you a surprise party with all the trimmings! Girl, please, do it for yourself!

Every year, it got bigger and bigger, people would start calling me the first week of February asking " What's the plan for your B-day?"

Then we moved to Orlando, and well, I didn't really know too many people, finally after 3 years, I figured I had enough friends to have a proper party. I set the date with the girls and then started planning away. I did NOT inform the HUBS. Hence the SURPRISE portion of the Party.

Why? Well, the HUBS has a strong OGRE gene in him, and he is at his core a hermit. So social events are not his thing (my exact opposite) He does not like for people to sing Happy Birthday to him and would kill me if I ever did in public. I on the other hand, relish all attention and suffer for that terrible sickness "EVERYONE MUST LOVE ME!" syndrome.

One week before the party he was informed we were going out to celebrate my Birthday on the 20 (my actual B-day is 2/25, take note) with some friends at a local bar/nightclub (which is a tourist trap and the most chessy fun ever!)

The party planning started getting a little out of control. First I devised a theme- hmmm, it was either Hello Kitty (shut up, you know you love her too) or Cherries. Cherries, it was...what kind of a theme is Cherries? Well, I got balloons with Cherries on them, we all drank Cherry Bombs (cherry vodka/red bull and maraschinos cherries) I wore my fabulous cherry jewelry, and got cherries painted on my nails, all so cute! Now the piece de resistance of course was the cake:

Two days before the party the Hubs was informed that many people had been invited and there were decorations involved. He just looked at me. The strategy worked. He was fine with it, if I would have informed him 2 weeks prior, I could have faced weeks of complaining, and moaning and groaning about the huge social commitment, blah, blah, blah.

Now the funniest part of all, it that the HUBS complains before hand, but is always the person who has the most fun and sings Happy Birthday...it's like pre-party jitters.

Here he is yucking it up with his pals.

And her I am with my partner in crime, who helped and did all the pre-party set up.

The Best Commercial Ever

I Love me some Shani Davis

I love me some Shani Davis, I mean really, could he be an cuter?

Could he be more adorable? An inner- city kid from Chi-town, raised by a single Mom!

Love IT! However, all I could think about all night last was:


HONEY, where is my suit?

You tell me WHERE MY SUIT IS WOMAN!

Is that WRONG?

OH! Also, BOGO is going on at Payless, so yesterday I went to Dillard's and bought 2 pairs of RED shoes, some AWESOME Steve Madden suede retro pumps with a ruffle, freaking ADORABLE, and some HOT ASS BCBG strappy sandals totally bejeweled out, with gold metal heels, MUY CALIENTE Floozy shoes!

*FYI- if you have not red my blog before, I tell my husband I buy my shoes at Payless when BOGO is going on, so he thinks they are CHEAP, which means I have to buy then 2 at a time!

How long has your hair been dirty?

My youngest recently had surgery on his left wrist, and since he has hair like Lady Godiva, it was impossible for him to wash his own hair with one hand.

How do I know this? Because I have arthritis in my left shoulder and when I had my surgery my husband had to get in the shower and wash my hair for me...at first he was excited because he thought he was going to get lucky. Yeah right, after that didn't happen he was just kind of annoyed.

I explained this to my hairy son, and he scoffed. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday all went by, well you get the picture, Sunday night Lady Godiva comes to me and says: Mom, you gotta wash my hair.
Next was the logistics of the situation, how would this be accomplished? after all he is 17 and I have not seen him naked in YEARS. He hatched a plan, he would don his swimming trunks and get in the shower and get soaking wet. Then I would get in, fully clothed, with the water off and wash his hair. Then I would get out, he would rinse, remove trunks and wash his nether regions.

So Sunday night I get in the shower and grab the shampoo to wash his hair.

He goes: MOM! What are you doing?

me- washing your stinky hair.

Lady G- why are you using the shampoo?

me- to get it clean.

Lady G- You're doing it WRONG, the conditioner goes first, then the shampoo.

me- WHAT!?! Have you never read the bottle? Shampoo rinse repeat, follow with conditioner.

Lady G- you are the one who told me to use Conditioner first!

me- why would I do that, you're nuts, that hair is growing into your brain. How long have you been doing that?

Lady G- FOREVER

HUBS pops his head in the bathroom- What is going on in there? How long is this going to take?

And so I discovered that my son has not washed his hair properly in at least 10 years!

one conversation

Daughter- OK, Mom I'm leaving now...I have to go pick up some stuff at the Superstore.

Mother- OH! I need you to get me something, OK? I need you to buy me some bloomers.

Daughter- Fine Mom, what kind would you like me to get you.

Mother- Oh, you know. Cotton, no frills, big ones, like Grandma under wear.

Daughter- Wow, considering you are a 70 something Grandma, I guess your g-string days are over, huh?

Mother- Oh, not really, just for now.

12 year old grand daughter- AHHHHHHHHHHH! Grandma!

Spanx, not NEW to Fat girls

Look, it's really annoying to hear these skinny bitches go on and on about Spanx and how they are the best thing ever, and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH- that what I hear when skinny bitches bitch and moan about like the one little ripple on their skinny asses.

*exhale* OK, moving on. Spanx, SHMANX! This is nothing new, it's called Panty girdles, and honey I have been wearing 'em since I was 13. No shit, for real. Look, I have no shame in telling you I have owned at least one of the following in my life time,in black, white and nude... aw hell, I'm gonna have to go and find some pictures on-line and post them, because I know you skinny bitches reading aren't even going to know what I am talking about!

These are here on a technicality, because really, they are really just called a GOOD pair of UNDERWEAR, OK?

Now, you all know how much I LOVE to drink, and well, not only my love for it, but the fact that many times, I can have just a little too much. Now, combine this with the deep love I have of dancing my ass off, most notable when i am tipsy.

Let's recap- drunk girdle wearing fatty + sweat + drunkenness = A HELL OF A TIME IN THE POTTY!

Now, when you gotta go, you gotta go, girl, you will rip that crap down faster than you would if Jason Statham was standing in front of you saying "Come on baby, let's go" *hee*hee*

This is Jason Statham, my# 1 boyfriend, I watch all his movies, even the REALLY crappy ones.

However, once you have relieved yourself, whilst hovering over toilet (I hope you ladies have as impeccable aim as I do drunk, or clean up after your drunk selves)- the pulling up part becomes a problem. If you happened to be accompanied by a TRUE friend, who is some what more sober than you are, there is no shame in calling her ass into help you.

The rubber and spandex has rolled up tighter than a... well let's just say tight, and your thighs are sweaty and you might have gotten some acrylic nails to detract from your second chin...well, let's put it this way: Many a cleaning crew have found undergarments of mine stuffed in the garbage at Bars all across this nation. Because really, once your drunk, who cares if you got a roll hanging out!

I will say one thing, Spanx has sure made those suckers go down in price, I have paid up to $100 for a decent head to toe fat sucker inner- WAIT! OMG, I bet if I sent one to Lady GAGA she would so wear it as a fashion statement.

Anyway, when I was super broke and needed some extra support on my thighs and ass, I would simply cut the feet of some panty hose and wear them under my pants, works wonders ladies.

If you are a Southern Girl or Hispanic you will know what I'm talking about, because all your Mama's wear these.

Oh my Dog, I just remembered the worst drunk panty girdle story of all time, I must meditate on weather I am able to disclose or not...I know I should have left this crap anonymous!

Lost, so lost

We are family addicted to LOST, and by family I mean, my sisters, their husbands, my nieces and nephews, my kids, and of course my Mom.

One of the funniest moments when she was in the hospital, came via Lost. Everyday we would cringe when she was not sure what day it was, what city she was in, thinking the male nurse was her friend form the University of Maryland in 1976, yeah, crazy ass confusion.

One afternoon I am visiting and I find a re-run of Lost on TV, knowing she loves it, I leave it on and start working on some reports for works while my Mom is watching. Suddenly she says "Ooooohhh, it's Penny" ssssssscheeeeeeech! WTF?! She knew exaclty who Penny was a goes on to tell me about Penny and Desmond, and her horrible father Charles Widemore. Yeah, that was CRAZY.

When we got her home to Guatemala, my sister brought over the boxed sets of Lost and we watched a couple of episode every night.

Every night she would ask- Who do you like better the Doctor or Sawyer? (only in Spanish so she would call him El Doctorsito) In Spanish you and an "ito" on the end of things to make them diminutive or a term of endearment. Amor become Amorsito, like baby talk.

Every night I would answer: That's a tough one Mom. I mean that's why I love Lost so much. One week Sayid is my favorite hottie, next week it's Jack, then I loved me some Mr. Echo, and sometimes I love Kim.

Mom interjects- Oh yes, very handsome Korean man.

I finish: but when it comes down to it Mom, I'm a sucker for the Bad boys....so I gotta to say Sawyer.

Mom says, me too, I like Lost, it's like a United Color of Benetton of good looking men!

I must agree EYE CANDY of all my favorite manly FLAVORS!

Books, real books, not on an eletronic thingy

I love books. I really do.

As I was lounging at my sister's beach house in Guatemala, my brother in law was enjoying his Christmas gift, a Kindle. He kept going on and on about how awesome it was. Finally, I shifted on the lounger and said "You're probably reading some techie shit on it!" He was. He laughed, I knew it probably involved Math and Business theory and God only knows what else. I happily lugged 2 books with me to Guatemala (Slam & You Suck!) both hilarious, and then read 2 of my Mom's books (History of a Face & The Bookseller of Kabul) both depressing, balanced diet people!

I explained to him why the Kindle so disturbs me. I love books. I love the way they smell and the different textures different papers have to them. I love writing my name in the front cover and reading the back cover, as well as the pages that list all the other books the author has written. I never fold a page over to hold my place, EVER. I am sure I would pull several strands of y hair and use them as a bookmark before I did that. I love how the pages yellow, how after you have read it a million times, the glue starts to give and pages come loose, so you read it one more time before the books falls apart. I love loaning out my books, even if months later when I want to re-read that particular book I can't even remember who I lent it to: Confederacy of Dunces, A Dirty Job...come back to me, I need you!

I then informed him that I only read fiction, no self help crap, of stuff that would help me at work or marketing nonsense! I read because I love to read, the way I love to watch TV, it entertains me. If if is Historical Fiction, well, then HELL maybe I will learn something.

Last night, my eldest son shows me two brand new books he had bought: Fight Club and Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. My reaction was: Why did you buy them new?! You can get them so cheap on Amazon!

His answer- I like to be the one to make the first crease on the front cover!

Wow, sounded like my rant! Of course, we do the same thing, we read a book we like by and author and then read everything he ever wrote.

I really love books, the have played such a giant part in my life.

I can hear my mother reading Where the Wild things are to me, remember begging her to read Madeline and Harold with the Purple Crayon.

I can feel the cold linoleum under my legs as I lay on the kitchen floor as my mother makes dinner reading Amelia Bedelia.

Giggling under my cover reading with a flashlight, just having to finish one more chapter of Tale of a Fourth Grade Nothing.

Crying for the first time reading a book, we were on a family vacation and was sitting in the back seat finishing Across Five April's.

Then there was A Catcher in the Rye, I just wanted to crawl in the book and live there.

By the time I was got my reading list for the first semester in College I had read ever single book on it, at least once (really 1984 was on the list!) Well, no worries as I did not make it to college, sidetracked into the shotgun wedding and the hubs and the now Fight Club book lover.

But, something better happened that year anyway. The Hubs "Ingles" was not all that, so I decided to start him on reading books in English before we move to the States to expand his vocab.

First assignment- Animal Farm- loved it. All out of my own collection- Of Mice and Men, Lord of the Flies, A Separate Peace, Brave New World, 1984, The Hobbit- loved them all. I hand over Kafka "The Metamorphosis", he's ready. Couple of hours later I hear- WTF!?!

He comes to me "I don't like this book. It's ridiculous. The guy is becoming a roach!" We go over symbolism. He gets it, reads the whole book that night and loved it.

My whole life I had taken for granted that someone sat and read to me, that someone bought books for me and gorgeous books marks, and spoke with me about those books and the meaning in them and that those books had made me far wiser than any 18 year old girl I knew. In fact wise enough to be able to get married and have a child and not go insane by 19. However, a safe sex book (with condoms as a bookmark) might have been a good book to have gotten me to, but oh, well.

Teaching your children to read is a necessity, if you don't do it, school will. Teaching you children to LOVE books, to think when they read, to be excited to get their little hands on a new book, that is a GIFT.

Thanks Mom!

My Mother, Jane Seymour

When I was a little kid my Mom would tells us people used to say she looked like Jane Seymour, you know the medicine woman, the lady in the commercials for that weird open hearts jewelery, yeah, her.

Of course our reaction as children was to fall off the bed laughing and roll around on the floor howling, no doubt this was very offensive to my mother.

How am I so sure? Well, when I tell my children people tell me I look like Catherine Zeta Jones, all the DAMN time, I get one of the following reactions from my kids:

• ROTFLMAO (you should know if your not up in the lingo, this means Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off)
• who? the HOT chick from Zoro *ahahahaaaaaaaaa*
• yeah right Mom
• The big pregnant one at the Oscars?
• who told you that? an old guy hitting on you?

There are many more, as I keep trying to convince them it's true. In fact one time I was walking in to Pericone's for lunch in Miami and I heard one lady tell the freind in Spanish "look it's Catherine Zeta Jones" I kept my sunglasses and kept walking so I wouldn't be bothered with an autograph (you know how that it) of course, it was right after she had her baby, so...who knows.

I'm posting a picture of my Mom when she was my age, 21. HA! No really, 37. Look are her big hair (mental note, ask her how it go so big) her sexy black dress and her tan (we were living in the Dominican Republic at the time) I wish her hands weren't in the way, because my Mom's cleavage and decolletage are amazing, oh and she has awesome skin. Ignore the other people in the picture, specially my Dad, who eyes are closed and looks super weird.
Here is a photo on Jane Seymour when she was younger.

Weekend Update

I am finally home in Orlando. I am happy to be home, not sure about going back to work, meh.

However, I must tell you that some medication I am on is causing me to have very lucid and vivid dreams, several times a night and I am remembering about three every morning. This is not that strange from me, since you have all heard about my crazy nightmares. However, some of these vivid dreams have included Mark Whalberg, so I am NOT calling the Physician to complain about his side effect.

I read 4 books in 2 weeks while I was at my parents in Guatemala. Never underestimate the power of crappy cable and the worst Internet EVER. Hence the only one post in two weeks, made from my sister's house (she has a fancy shmansy MAC) and I could not for the life of me SPELL CHECK! Whatever.

As previously stated, several times The Hubs is a candy addict. About 1/2 pound every day, skittles, starburst, twizzlers, jelly beans, and gummy bears. I hate twizlers and starbust, all the rest of the candy, I will only eat the RED ones. This annoys the hubs beyond words, he yells at me: YOU EAT WHAT YOU PICK OUT THE BAG, no picky choosy! Yes, he butchers colloquialism's on a daily basis. So if I get and orange one, I feed it behind my back to the dog, the rest I can stomach. So the highlight of me life was when I pulled this out....2 for me, 3 for Lulu! CLARIFICATION- they came out all stuck together like that!

The good the bad and the funny

As many of you know my mother had a brain aneurysm followed by a very sever stroke in August of 2009. This event forever change her life as well as ours. After 3 months of in-patient and out-patient rehab in Orlando, this past Saturday I brought my Mother home to Guatemala. Here she will start her new life with my Father in their same old house, I call it her new life, well because besides the house, the dog, and the cars, everything is different. She is a new person, not worse, not better, just different. This is a hard thing to come to grips with, I can say I have done so 100%. And in here lies the title f my post:

The Good: In the last 3 months my mother has said things to me that she has never said before.

Darling, you are a treasure, you really are such a jewel. Did you know you are such a good daughter. Everything you do for us, I want you to know how much I appreciate it.

Honey, you have become such an amazing woman. You are a loving wife, a wonderful mother, look at all your friends, they all love you so much. Look at your home, you have made such a beautiful home. (this was at a Holiday party we had at my house)

Sweetheart, I want to tell you how much I love you, you are so good, such a sweet girl.

The bad: My Mother has something called left Neglect. The right side of her brain is dead so in her world everything left of center does not exist. She does not see it, hear it or feel it. This includes her left leg and arm. At some point she decided that her left hand was mine.

Honey, when are you going to take your hand back? I am getting tired of carrying it all the time. You know it is very heavy. (I ask her to look at me, I wave both my hands in the air and ask her how many hands I have) She answers 2. I tell her, Mom these are my hands, we all have our own hands. I then hold her left hand and explain to her it is her left hand, attached to her arm, attached to her body. She says ok, but it is the ok your 13 year old gives you to make you shut up.

Once in a blue moon on a bad day, if I am not around, she gets upset.

She tells my father rather firmly (this is a woman who has never raised her voice in her life) Call your daughter right now, and you tell her to come pick up this hand! You tell it is very heavy and I am tired of carrying it! You tell that the next time we go to the store I am leaving it in the TRUNK!

The funny: You have all heard of my mothers highly hilarious comments, even before the stroke, they have just gotten so much better.

I arrive to visit her after work.

Honey, I have been thinking of you all afternoon. I told your Dad to call you! we had Cherry Pie, I know how much you love Cherry Pie. I told your Dad to call you, but he wouldn't!

- I know Mama, I am busy at work, he didn't want to interrupt me.

Oh, no Honey, he said your TOO FAT! You should not be eating pie!

Thank Goodness he is deaf as a door knob, or he would have been mortified, I laughed my fat ass off and told everyone about it!

For the flight Orlando- Guatemala we had to be at the airport at 4 am, of course the one day it was supposed to snow in Central Florida. 2 cars, 6 suitcases, my Mom, my Dad a wheelchair and me. To say it was hellacious is the biggest understatement I could conjure.

Getting checked in, getting her on the airplane, transferring her from the chair to her seat in a cramped space, with a long line of people staring, it was a lot to deal with. Of course because nothing in life is ever easy, we had to stop in El Salvador and change planes. Our plane was late, ad the connecting flight was waiting for us. Well, they had a long wait, because my Mom was not able to use the restroom in the airplane, and had to use it when we stopped over.

The first leg of the flight was almost 3 hours. She says I need to lay down. Lay me down.

Mommy I can't. Where am I gong to lay you down?

Darling, just lay me down right there in the aisle.

MOM! I can't lay you down in the aisle, how will people get by?

Oh, honey, very carefully, that is how they will get by.

We land, Get her in the chair, of the plane, up 3 million ramps, to the 1 handicap bathroom in the whole airport, off the chair on the bathroom, back on the chair, run across the airport, back on the 2nd plane into the seat. Did I tell you it is hotter than hell in El Salvador?

We sit, I put my seatbelt on and wipe my face. I am sweating like a pig. Mom, It is so HOT in here!

Really, she says, I am freezing, put another blanket on me! I look at her, she asks me "What?"

Mommy- of course you are not hot, I have been running around like a mad woman, pushing you around, picking you up and putting you down!

She laughs and says- Of course you have, I am the Empress of China, can't you hear they are even playing my special music?

I stop and on the plane, indeed they are playing some sort of oriental music. We cracked up. For the next 3 days, everyone who came over to the house, we did our little song and dance.

me: Mom who are you?

Mom- I am the empress of China and you are my servant girl.

Next week I will return to my regular life in Orlando. I won;t get 3 million phone calls a day from my Dad, asking about dr's appointments, medicines, food, directions or eery other variable he could think of during the day.

I won;t have to rush to see my Mom after work and then rush home to make dinner for my husband and kids. I won't have to take off work to drive them to a Doctor which they have never been to and would never be able to find. And I won;t be spending Saturdays and Sunday cooking for them and watching girly DVD's with my Mom, while my husband and Father doze off.

I will be carefree and fancy free and I don't know if I will be able to stand it.

Michael Cera Learns How To Do The Fist Pump With The ‘Jersey Shore’ Cast! » Hollywood Crush

Michael Cera Learns How To Do The Fist Pump With The ‘Jersey Shore’ Cast! » Hollywood Crush



I love Michael Cera and I am truly obsessed with The Jersey Shore...in last night's episode they played this video and we all just about DIED laughing.

AS bad as Jersey Shore is, it is AWESOME to have a show that the WHOLE FAMILY (all 5 of us) are NUTS about! OK, so it's no Little House on the Prairie, but I will take what I can get!

Have an AWESOME weekend bebes, BIG NEWS coming next week!

Awesome Giveaway!

Brittany over at Unexpected Surprises is having an AWESOME giveaway! No she isn't giving away some candles or a toaster, she is giving away an original piece of Art that she is going to make herself, and she is super good!

I love it, so creative! She is a super cutie patoutie (like me), she lives in Florida(like me), and her baby was an unexpected surprise, (like mine were), so I loves her already!

Go and try and win the prize (if you really love me and win, you will give me the prize, because I REALLY want it!)

Here is the link to Unexpected Surprises! Hurry, deadline is Friday January 8th!

Lookey what I got for Christmas!

Remember the stunning, original art, oleo painting made especially for my husband? Yeah, you know, the one I gave him for Christmas! Oh right, apparently NO ONE READ the POST!

Any way, what did I get in return for such a beautiful and Nobel gesture? I got a BOOB Scarf! hahahah- I just crack up every time I see it! OK, not really, but if any one would ever give this to me, I swear to Buddha that I would wear it. Only when going out with the stinky, hairy men that sleep and eat in my house (yes, my kids) or at home when they had their friends over. Just for shits and giggles!

I would lurk around the fridge and see if they were trying to drink my booze....


OK, so I did get some fun and funny gifts. When I get a little breather I will post and blog further.

I hope everyone one had a fantastic holidays and phenomenal New Year's!

I am Homer Simpson

You see that gorgeous painting there, yes, the one with that fetching woman, with the gorgeous rack, and the most beautiful dog in the world! I know it is hard to believe two such beauties could be captured in one amazing painting!

Well, as some of you may know that woman is me, and that marvelous canine is my Little Lulu.

So what does this have to do with Homer Simpson?Well, remember the episode, in which Homer gave Marge a bowling ball for Christmas? It even had HOMER engraved on it!

Well, this was THE HUBS Christmas gift! He was so thrilled!

The whole HOMER gift is explained HERE!

The very talented and lovely Miss Gena Semenov is the person responsible for the painting! Please visit her site and you can e-mail her a picture and she can make you a portrait too!

Tweeterific

I apologize for being so lame and posting my greatest TWEETS, but if I try to write a proper post, my left eye will explode, no lie.


Follow me on Twitter, I'm : @SugarTwittes

• Just how BIG is my BUTT you ask? Um, my skirts are like 4 inches shorter in the back than in the front..that BIG!

• If I was entrepreneurial I would design dresses and skirts for BIG BUTT women that were longer in the back ...hmmm, genius

• I call HUBS dick wad all the time, he replies "UR the Dick Wad" I go: define "DICKWAD" he has no idea, aye mi Ricky Ricardo!

• Sex in the shower is never as sexy as it sounds; especially if you are wearing a shower cap- just saying

• Don't get me wrong, I love that people actually follow me, but I have 6 strip clubs following, have no idea why, could b I have sugar twitts?

• Maybe I will become friends with on of these strip clubs and throw the HUBS a B-day Bash there! World's Best WIFE trophy awaits me!

• Is Moose Munch (however yummy) supposed to make your ASS the size of an actual MOOSE?

• We usually watch ELF on Christmas Day, but with "The Hangover" being release, I think it will be the new family tradition, is that wrong?

• ate too much moose munch...must try and button pants, then roll home...

• Love it! B-O-O-B is a palindrome!

• Did you know that 2010 is the year of the Tiger in the Chinese Calender? um, FAIL!

• Do ever have those days where you just crack YOURSELF UP, all day long...but no one else seems to laugh?!

• Holiday Tip #5- make sure you have more gifts for your stinky teenage boys than for for your lovely princess Little Lulu (American bulldog)

• Holiday Tip #4- Remember, always deny to your hubs that you went to Target. Target is a black hole that sux up all his $ & 1/2 your day

• 
  Holiday Tip #3- if said lunch break was 1 hour, do not get "lost" in Target for 2.5 hours

• 
  Holiday Tip #2- If you go to Target because you have a $80 credit, do NOT spend $280 (specially if broke, like me)

• 
  Holiday Tip #1- If you go to Target on you "lunch" break, make sure you are NOT wearing a RED shirt!

So wrong, so VERY wrong

How can something that looks SO yummy be so wrong?

Yes, ladies and gays, I am talking about the hotnastyness that is Taylor Lautner.

I have held my tongue for long enough, my adoration for him has been silenced too long.

In here lies my dilemma: he is the same age as my youngest son. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

So wrong, so very very wrong.

Now here lies my redemption. I have seen my kids friends, I have been to their school and I HAVE NEVER seen any kids that looks anywhere near as hot as Taylor Lautner. Because, if I was a teacher and Taylor Lautner was my student, I would so go all Mary Kay Letourneau on his fine ASS!

However the other day was a complete fail, as I was watching Entertainment Tonight and they flashed that picture on the screen, I let out a stifled cry "ugh, so wrong"

Of course my older son (who is 18) was walking by and quickly pointed out- "Mom, you know that kid is Stevie's age"

I screamed: I know so wrong, so DAMN wrong!

Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!

One of my neighbor friends e-mailed this to me, I have not idea who did it , to give them credit, but OMG, who ever did this- You are a GENIUS! Please read the story below the picture!

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

My Mother the FATTY

Lately much of my time has been spent rushing from my job to pick up my parents and accompany them to the endless doctor's visits my Mother has. This involves a lot of waiting in the waiting rooms, waiting in the lab, waiting in the exam room, the 3 of us just starting at each other.

Finally when someone comes in and starts asking questions, I am quick to answer, since you all know I am the National Director of Gossip (AKA busybody.)

Every time the nurse asks- How tall is your Mom.

I answer- 5 feet

Mom quickly pipes up: I'm 5'1 (in her dreams)

The nurse leaves the room, and we continue to talk amongst ourselves.

Dad: I want to know what tests they did in the blood work.

Me: OK Daddy, we will ask for specifics, what are your concerns.

Dad: I want to see if your Mama has anemia.

Mom: Anemia?! The way you are feeding me?! I know you are trying to fatten me up. I know you are trying to make me look like "La Beyonce" (this was in Spanish and even funnier can you can imagine)

I immediately fell to my knees I laughed so hard.

Of course, my Dad, who puts his hearing aid in, but turns it off because noise is annoying, says: WHO? Wha?

The nurse comes back in, she asks how much does your Mom weigh.

I answer 112 pounds. My Mom pipes in "not for long!"

Both my Dad and I crack up, the nurse just stares at us and walks out.

My Mom shows me the bruise on her arm, apparently they had a very hard time drawing blood for her in the morning, she goes on and on about how she has NO blood.

The nurse comes back in and tries to take her pressure, but she can't find the pulse.

My Mom turns to me and says: Oh boy, no blood in my veins AND no pulse! This might be more serious than I thought! I think I'm screwed.

I cover my mouth to stifle the laughing and bend over and whisper in her ear: Mama at least you will be safe from those pesky Twilight vampires.

She giggles.

Love and Marriage...pain and suffering

Just saying girls....just saying! December sucks, there is stress enough with Christmas, with out having husbands involved! Yesterday the hubs decided to drop of his car at the shop, well, 4 hours later, 4 tires later, brakes, spark plugs and synthetic oil, oh yeah, and $1500 later, he decides to call and tell me he did this. Hmmmmm, 3 weeks before Christmas, wow. No warning, no questions, just "oh yeah, btw"

Tiger Woods and his HOT ASS WIFE!

We live just down the street from Tiger Woods, about 3 miles away. He goes to the same gym the HUBS and kids go to, and you can run into him just about anywhere in this area.

Everyone likes him and he seems like an all around nice guy (not as nice as SHAQ, who lies down on the gym floor and lets people lie down next to him so you can measure just how insanely HUGE he is! *this is TRUE)

Anyway, when this whole crazy story broke, the first thing my step son said was:

-Oh yeah, my friend says he was at Blue Martini (a meat market for sugar daddies) and was drinking it up and hitting on all the girls on Wednesday night. (complete hearsay)

Hmmm, I had never thought about him that way, but then again, well, how shall I say this: HE IS A MAN.

Every time, they show the picture of his wife Elin on TV the 4 men I live with (ages 17-43) all say: She is so HOT, much HOTTER than those girls he is supposed to be cheating on.

So here is my note to Elin.

Dear Elin Nordegren Woods,

This has nothing to do with you, your role as a wife, lover or mother, or how beautiful you are, or if your boobs are saggy after 2 beautiful babies(Sam & Charlie.) It has nothing to do with weather you were to tired to have sex, or were not adventurous, or weather you nag, or pay more attention to your babies than you husband.

This is the hard part:

• 
  
  Do not feel ashamed


• 
  
  Do not be embarrassed


• 
  
  Never feel humiliated

You are not a laughing stock. No, not everybody knew and kept you in the dark, and you have NOT BEEN MADE A FOOL of!

Your husband, should feel all of the above. You can hold your head high and walk out the front door anytime you like, you can kick his ass to the curb, or you can forgive him and work on your marriage, that is your choice and your right as a woman, a wife and a mother. You are not a sucker if you choose the latter.

However, I found this photo on-line and if you want to do something like this, I support you as well!

Elin, I hope you have good girlfriends and your Mom is close by, if not, girl you give me a call, I will come right over, we can have a PJ party, with hot cocoa (spiked of course), we can laugh and cry and bitch and moan and in the morning you can either call a good ass lawyer or the best marriage counselor in town, you're going to need one of them sweetie!

Honey, you need to call Obama, right away

So, one of the medications my Mother is on sometimes causes her to blur the lines between reality and well - La La Land.

One day as I arrived at the Hospital, she stated as soon as I walked in:

Mom- Honey, I am so glad you are here! You must call Obama right away, this is very important!

Me- OK, Mommy what's up?

Mom- Well, I have been thinking. You know everything, everyone is always calling you and telling you everything and you know everyone and always know that answers to all the questions that everyone has.

Me (well this is true I DO know everything!) OK, Mom, why do you need me to call Obama?

Mom- Well, every area and family needs to have a person like you and I think he should appoint you to the position, you can be called "National Director of Gossip"

Me- WHAT?!?

Mom- oh yes, very important, that way if there is an emergency, they just call you and you will know the answers!

Me- Oh, OK, National Director of Gossip *how much would that pay*

Mom- well, if you don't like that name, you know Gossip might sound bad they could call you National Busy Body

Me- OK Mom, that's much better, I'll call him tomorrow.

So, as nutty as this sounds, if I think I can tell you exactly where it came from. She has nurses, doctors and rehab specialists coming in and out of her room all day long asking her questions non-stop. She gets confused and frustrated, she just wants them to call me, so I can take care of it, and it is true I do know everything, just ask the HUBS! ha!

New Layout- yipee

So, I found this nifty chart regarding BLOGS....and just in time for my brand new layout! While I love my blog, I am 100% sure my blog falls in the BIG PINK area of the chart. I mean, really where else would it fall, pink is my signature color! Tell me if you like my new layout....I think it is very ME!

I LOVE the Circus!

I have always loved the Circus, and of course many of my fantasies, to this day, involve running off with them, no, not as the FAT lady-smart ass!

Anyway, when my sisters were little girls, before I was born, they lived in Mexico City, and one day went to the Circus with my Dad. Well, the story goes a lady fell off the high wire, there was no NET and she died! I have always been obsessed with this story, can you imagine!?! Thankfully I was not born yet and therefore my love of the Circus was not tainted by the horrifying experience.

However, I came across this newspaper clipping....I almost died when I read it, it's funny, horrible and cartoonish all at the same time!

Not a Glamazon

I am not a Glamazon, I never really was...however I did have some standards:

• pedicures were a must
• I never went out with dirty hair, ever
• I only wore sweatpants in the privacy of my home
• If I was not wearing make up, I would throw on some sunglasses and put some lipstick on

More than once I remember seeing women in the market or the mall who were running around in flip flops with feet that vaguely resembles the wolf man's feet, unkempt and disheveled, and I would wonder to myself: What on earth is wrong with that woman? How can she leave her house like that?

Well people, it's called LIFE, LIFE is what more than likely has happened to those women. I have always been a busy working Mom and wife, however, always found the time to go to the salon, go to get waxed, etc, etc...add just one sick parent to that mix and ever thing flew out the window.

Saturday's was my Mom's nurses aide's day off, so I had to be there to help my Dad at 8:00am. I get up at 7am (an ungodly hour for the mother of teenagers, who has been sleeping gin every weekend for years). I pull on some sweat pants, flip flops and one of my husbands t-shirts, quickly shove a load of laundry in the machine and push start (thank goodness for the quick cycle) I run out the door to walk the dog. Back with the Dog, give her food and water, move the laundry from the washer to the dryer, and stuff a second load into the machine. Make coffee and grab and English muffin, my phone rings, my Dad needs me to pick something up on the way. Not time to shower, shove some clean clothes into a bag and assume I will take a shower at my parents a little later, which actully never happened.

As I am running around in WalMart, dirty hair, no make up, un-bathed, no bra, I look down at my feet and in a moment of horror I gasp...*ahhh* I'm that woman! I want to sit on the floor of WalMart and cry as I look at my toes, they look like 3rd world country homeless people feet (OK, that might be a tad of an exaggeration, but they are bad)

Instead I grab the generic size small adult diapers and run for the cash register, no time to sit and cry.