Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Spanx, not NEW to Fat girls

Look, it's really annoying to hear these skinny bitches go on and on about Spanx and how they are the best thing ever, and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH- that what I hear when skinny bitches bitch and moan about like the one little ripple on their skinny asses.

*exhale* OK, moving on. Spanx, SHMANX! This is nothing new, it's called Panty girdles, and honey I have been wearing 'em since I was 13. No shit, for real. Look, I have no shame in telling you I have owned at least one of the following in my life time,in black, white and nude... aw hell, I'm gonna have to go and find some pictures on-line and post them, because I know you skinny bitches reading aren't even going to know what I am talking about!
These are here on a technicality, because really, they are really just called a GOOD pair of UNDERWEAR, OK?

Now, you all know how much I LOVE to drink, and well, not only my love for it, but the fact that many times, I can have just a little too much. Now, combine this with the deep love I have of dancing my ass off, most notable when i am tipsy.

Let's recap- drunk girdle wearing fatty + sweat + drunkenness = A HELL OF A TIME IN THE POTTY!

Now, when you gotta go, you gotta go, girl, you will rip that crap down faster than you would if Jason Statham was standing in front of you saying "Come on baby, let's go" *hee*hee*
This is Jason Statham, my# 1 boyfriend, I watch all his movies, even the REALLY crappy ones.

However, once you have relieved yourself, whilst hovering over toilet (I hope you ladies have as impeccable aim as I do drunk, or clean up after your drunk selves)- the pulling up part becomes a problem. If you happened to be accompanied by a TRUE friend, who is some what more sober than you are, there is no shame in calling her ass into help you.

The rubber and spandex has rolled up tighter than a... well let's just say tight, and your thighs are sweaty and you might have gotten some acrylic nails to detract from your second chin...well, let's put it this way: Many a cleaning crew have found undergarments of mine stuffed in the garbage at Bars all across this nation. Because really, once your drunk, who cares if you got a roll hanging out!

I will say one thing, Spanx has sure made those suckers go down in price, I have paid up to $100 for a decent head to toe fat sucker inner- WAIT! OMG, I bet if I sent one to Lady GAGA she would so wear it as a fashion statement.

Anyway, when I was super broke and needed some extra support on my thighs and ass, I would simply cut the feet of some panty hose and wear them under my pants, works wonders ladies.

If you are a Southern Girl or Hispanic you will know what I'm talking about, because all your Mama's wear these.

Oh my Dog, I just remembered the worst drunk panty girdle story of all time, I must meditate on weather I am able to disclose or not...I know I should have left this crap anonymous!


  1. Okay, you could be telling a story from my (not so distant) youth. I thought I was the only one who left panties in trash cans because I couldn't get 'em back up!!! Thanks for sharing!!

  2. I've got some of those undergarments in my drawer right now. I think I've outfatted them though. I need to get some new ones. And I have totally done that panty hose trick. Works great in a pinch. Just as long as you have something loose enough to cover up the roll that happens when it starts rolling up your leg.

  3. You know what the best feeling is? Taking those damn turnicates OFF at the end of the night! Sweet, blissful relief!!

    The things we do to look thin, geez!!

  4. I have been up close and personal with many a pair of Spanx. I have had to assume the role of 'stereotypical gay friend' and sneak into the women's bathroom to pull that sweaty, nastiness up. Is it really worth it? I say shake what your mama gave you. Women are supposed to have curves.

  5. Spanx need to be modeled by women who are not 19 and therefore not in need of a pair of damn Power Panties.

  6. I'm one of those skinny girls who wears Spanx! :D


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