Wednesday, May 19, 2010

English Mangler

English Mangler should be my new nickname for the HUBS.

Please LORD, never let him read or hear about this post.

The HUBS did not speak any English until the day his parents shipped him off to Military Academy in Marion, Alabama. Via Greyhound bus from his brother's place in Gainesville, Florida (he was a student at UF.) You want to hear his Greyhound stories about his travels though North Florida, Georgia and Alabama, but that's another post. He did not speak a LICK of English and resorted to nodding his head ALOT at the Military Academy.

If you ask him about his experience in Marion he will say: The whites hated the blacks, and the blacks hated the whites, the only one thing they could agree upon was that they ALL hated the 1 spic! This always cracks me up, well because imagining my husband at 17 not understanding a word of English, getting demerits left and right for not following directions (because perhaps he didn't understand the language?!) and having to march in the rain as punishment is evil and makes me laugh. Why? Because as the HUBS says all the time: I am an Evil Bitch, and he's right.

So long story short, English is obviously not his first language, he has a think accent and has trouble with his tenses to this very day. How think of an accent? Just the other day his client wrote the CEO of my HUBS company and very nice letter, saying the HUBS is awesome, amazing, wonderful and reminds him of the GREAT Ricardo Montalban! buawahaha, we rolled around laughing on the bed for a good ten minutes over that one. HE really is super cute, the HUBS, oh, and Ricardo Montalban was too. OMG, don't know who Ricardo Montalban is? The dude from Fantasy Island, Kahn from the Star Trek movies, the Grampa from Spy Kids, what are you 12?

Moving on, the HUBS loves, I mean is obsessed with American sayings. You know, like: Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That sort of thing. So whenever he hears one, he memorizes it and just throws it into a random conversation (acting all proud of himself)

However, he is forever EFFING them up.


The cat is out of the Hat! (no honey, the cat is out of the bag)

A bull in a Chinese shop! (what? you mean a bull in a china shop)

The ones he actually memorizes correctly, just sound weird. His favorite by far are the following, which he uses all the time:

not the sharpest tool in the shed
not the brightest crayon in the box
not the sharpest knife in the drawer
not the sharpest tack in the box
The lights are on but no one is home
Doesn't have
both oars in the water
A few sandwiches short of a picnic basket
Not playing with a full deck
Not the brightest star in the constellation

Which in other words: HE LOVES saying how dumb people are! Sometimes I think he just says these things to hear himself say them, the opportunity has risen in the conversation, I don't think it is about the poor sap about which the conversation is about!
I blame his boss who is a Southerner and every other sentence has some new saying for the HUBS to learn.


  1. I love it! I teach English as a Second Language, and I think it's fantastic he's in love with all our silly idioms and sayings! You crack me up with the Ricardo Montalban thing! I know all those references...except never saw Spy Kids. My dad has some AWESOME, very PC, sayings. My favourite being: That's as helpful as a rubber crutch in a polio ward. Closely followed by: He doesn't have the sense God gave man to pound sand down a rat hole. (maybe you have to live on a farm to feel that last one). I also liked: He's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.


  2. I love mixed metaphors. I play with google translator and re translate stuff and you get some interesting ways of saying things.

    One more thing...... EAT!


I love you Darling, really! Thank you!