Dear Brian, I'm sorry

If you know me or have read my blog- you know I am out numbered. I live with my uber macho husband, my step son and my two sons, so when we got a dog, I put my foot down and we got a girl. Her name is Little Lulu and she is the daughter I never had, which I know sounds weird, but I'm 38 and my youngest is 18. I am teetering on the Empty Nest cliff- so it either act crazy about a dog or have a baby. You do the math.

We have been going back and forth over breeding Lulu since we got her, and she recently had her 3rd heat (not pretty, we fixed her a few days ago.) Unlike the other times she was in heat, she started to act very strangely, trying to hump everything, crying and all over the place emotionally (go figure.)

Of course the Hubs reaction? DO SOMETHING! You're a woman, help her.

I call the vet and explain (they know me very well in that office.) His advice? Get her a stuffed animal and let her take out some of her sexual needs on it. I SWEAR that is what he said.

Where am I going to find a giant teddy bear? And them I remembered something one of the mens I live with had in his room.

I run through the house flinging the doors open, looking for my solution. Found it! Grab it and yell at my son- I am confiscating this for Lulu and run out.

It was like a first date, I sat Brian down on a chair in the family room and let her walk by and check him out.

Second date- I move him to the floor and let her get a closer look and sniff.

Third Date- She looks at me and I give her the go ahead, the thumbs up, the YOU GO GIRL!

She drags Brain to her bed and BAM! Goes at it!

As we watch on as a family ( I know weird) there is giggling, red faces and cringing on my behalf.

Son #3 yells "DOGGIE STYLE!" Son #2 chimes in "Mom, Lulu is 69'ing poor Brain" Technically they were right.

That's it! The Hubs puts his foot down and makes us all leave the room and giver her some privacy, after all she is his little girl.

So Brian, I am sorry Lulu hit it and quit it.

Need a MAN TRAINER

OK, so here is the thing, this dog is super cute, right? When I watch this video all I can think of is- why the F*ck can't my kids or husband do any of these tricks?!? Maybe I need to get more dogs, hire a trainer and live happily ever after!

HOT ASIAN CHICK!

OK, the title is totally a ploy to get traffic here-

No, but really I met a Super hot Asian woman! On Friday, I went to this Woman's group that focuses on connecting professional, ambitious, influential women. I totally had them fooled thinking I was one of them- you know professional, influential, yeah right!!

Moving along, while there I meet this woman- she looks like that Judge on the dancing show, this one:


I mean she is just adorable. Wait- we talk, she is hilarious- a few more minutes and she moves from the 1 glass of white wine that came with lunch- sits at the bar and orders a Martini- I think I blacked out for a minute- that she is a vodka LOVER, like me! Get this: she is a plastic surgeon. Really, a very smart, reputable, semi famous Plastic Surgeon.

She is married to a plastic surgeon as well, and they love dogs. I may become a TV produce next week and pitch them as a new reality show- no really, finally I could get MY 15 minutes of fame.

You know what she says to me?"People ask me if I am a nail tech all the time!"and busts out laughing-this is how funny she is.

My sister knows her, so when I get home my sis and I chat about the luncheon and how awesome it was (she was not able to go, well, because she sucks and would not drive up from Miami) She finally asks: So, did you meet Dr. Liu (not her real name.)

My response? OH MY GOD! I love her, if I was one of those aliens form that movie about POD People (Invasion of the Body Snatchers), I would TOTALLY choose HER to take over her human body!

Yeah- took it a little into the weird zone there.

Wait, just had an idea- maybe we could do a Reality TV show, where her husband and she just basically operate on me from head to toe- so much so that not even the HUBS would recognize me!

If any of you readers know MY doctor Liu, you better not steal this show idea form me!

I have a plan

I have a plan- a new one. The one where I was going to be a stay at home Mom didn't really fly with the HUBS. I think it was the fact the my youngest son turns 18 next week. I considered having another child just to get out of having to keep going to work at an office, but my uterus had major problems with that possibility.

I then came up with with Plan B- I was going to breed our furry baby Lulu and then I could be a stay at home furry momma- well, that didn't go over too well either.

I am now moving on the Plan C- It hit me while visiting my niece. She is 13, adorable and we get along just great. I have inside info that her Father is over protective and doesn't want to send her far away to College- so I hatched the perfect plan!

We will use some of his land in the mountains and start an alpaca farm! He will be our investor (since I will be like an old auntie watching over my niece and in turn keeping her close to home) I will be happy since I won't have to go to an office anymore and she is thrilled since I sent her the picture below and let's face it- that alpaca is freaking adorable! We will breed dogs, and have sheep for wool only, goats for cheese only, and milk cows. We won't kill any animals and all are goods will be the bestest in the world because they will come for the happiest farm animals on the planet (this is how I mostly sold it to my niece)


There is one kink in my plan that I have yet to figure out- what do I do with the HUBS and my kids?

Giveaway...hurry, last CHANCE!

I have almost 200 followers...I know, I can hardly believe it! The first post was on 8/11/2008 and this is my 180th post! Wow, I feel loved and appreciated by you all. So to give a little back, I am doing my first giveaway. And you know me, I don't go small, I am a firm believe that MORE is MORE (not less, silly.)

I'm not giving away some recycled gift or some cookbook or dish rag..haha, I don't even know why I thought of those random things...I'm giving away Lulu's first born *ahhhhhhh* are you crazy? All the dogie babies she has are MINE, ALL MINE (you can't tell hubs that one either!)

No, I am giving away an authentic print, signed by the artist herself Ms. Gena Semenov . At first I was going to pick my favorite, but then I thought what better than have the winner pick his or her favorite! There are so many to choose from! and seriously, I LOVE them all! Check them out, I know you will love them too!

As you know I have commissioned my very own portrait (with my canine soul mate Lulu) and I can't wait to share the final painting with you all....but the more I look at these gorgeous works of art the more I want to share with you all.

So here are the rules! ANYTHING GOES, just kidding.

You must follow me (everywhere, even when I'm drunk at a bar and might need help in the restroom!) ha-ha

follow me= 1 entry

You must leave me a comment, on this post (because you all know I am such a hooker for comments)

comment = 1 entry

If you are blogging biotch like me then you can write about how amazing, awesome, totally gorgeous and ridiculously intelligent I am, or just tell them to come win some fabu free stuff, whateve, on your blog and link back to this post.

blog w/ link back = 5 entries

Good luck babies, winner will be announced on Friday June 26th!

Starving!

I am STARVING! I last ate at 7:30 pm last night, after that nothing! Oh yeah, I had a sip of water to take my new hypothyroidism pill this morning (because enough shit wasn't wrong with my, now my thyroid is a dud) oh yeah and I might swallow a little when I brush my teeth. My surgery is at 2:30pm.

Last night the HUBS (who is a HUGE worry wart) told me to please leave something in writing? About what? He answered "I don't know anything!" Well DUH! But I would have to write an encyclopedia to educate you at this point! However, that was enough to keep me up ALL night thinking about what to write.

So here it is....if I die (ha-ha this is dramatic) HUBS is such a freak. I want to donate my organs, but I want to look pretty in a casket, so don't go all crazy. I want to be buried in Guatemala, in a pretty casket, with lots of yellow and pink roses. I want to be in my Lauren flowery dress, I love that dress, I feel so pretty in it. And I want there to be a smashing party after the service, seriously, drinking and karaoke, because that is the best time I can imagine.

Here is my craziness exposed: I want my dog Lulu to have babies and the HUBS and the boys to always have one of her babies, because they will always make them happy and remember me. Then when Lulu passes away I want her to buried with me. It's on you to figure out how to get her in there, it's Guatemala for God's sake, I am sure you can pay someone off with a bottle of booze and a carton of cigarettes. I am sure the HUBS wanted info more along the lines of the kids medical info, the house stuff, all the bank accounts, etc...but what fun would that be!
Here's the dress and me with the HUBS.

Birthday MONEY!!!

So as you may remember my Birthday was back in February, but I have just now decided what to do with my BIRTHDAY MONEY!

I mentioned this to THE HUBS last week and his response "um, you've already spent that money like 3 times over"

HAVE NOT!!!!!- I screamed

Which he responded to- the GPS for your car, Full Moon Sleigh Ride and Dinner at the Devils Thumb Ranch in Colorado, wait the WHOLE ski trip for that matter.

The only appropriate response to his asinine allegations was SHUT UP!!!

So, here is my BIG plan with my Birthday money.

I was at an Art Festival in Mount Dora a few months back and saw a fabulous painting, I just loved it, this is it:

I don't know if you can tell, but the woman's skirt is made from real cloth. I love all of the artist's works, something about them caught my eye. All the women in the paintings were beautiful, womanly, delicate, strong and feminine, the perfect balance. Besides almost all of them had animals in them, and of those most were dogs...and well, you all know how I feel about my Little Lulu- the most gorgeous baby (you might call her a dog) on the face of the Earth.

Here is one of her doggie painting-OMG- I just ADORE them!

Well La Pequena Lulu's Birthday is coming up: May 5th, yes she is such a Latina lovely, so to commemorate our first year together, we will be commissioning a portrait by the amazing: Gena Semenov. Click on her name to see all her works, she sells prints on-line and they are truly fabulous!

This is the BEST idea I have EVER had!

WTF?!

Have you all seen this on TMZ? Z-List hottie saves Dog, NAKEY!

Now, listen I have no problemo see that hottie Eric Niles in the buff, and I would crawl on the ice to save my precious child (some freaks insist on calling her a dog) Lulu at the drop of the hat...however, um...I would have left my clothes on!!!

Why?

• it's cold
• your bare skin will be rubbing on the ice
• obviously someone with a camera is there
• and if your a man, well, you might seem a little less "appealing" in the manly area with the cold and all

JUST SAYING!

you HAVE to go over to 3 Boys 1 Mommy, she is the one hooking it up on the WTF-Wednesday

25 Things about me....

1. I LOVE babies, kids not so much, but I am BABY CRAZY, once they are out of diapers *meh*

2. I can BEAT anyone at movie trivia, charades or Entertainment Trivia, or name that tune, seriously there should be a way for me to make money with this!

3. I can and will talk your ear off, I think this is the reason people don't call me, if they do, they end up being on the phone for like an hour!

4. I am fiercely protective of my friends and family. My kids are awesome, don’t mess with them, I don't care who you are or what you think.

5. I will literally help anyone I can in any way I can, this drives my husband crazy, but it is also in his words: one of my best qualities.

6. I have been crazy in love with my husband since I first laid eyes on him, I was 16. Really, it was a like a bolt of electricity.

7. I love scary movies, but I get really scarred, I get goose bumps, my heart races and my stomach hurts, this leads me to believe I may be a masochist.

8. I get sick really easy, if I hear someone upchuck, I am next. If I think about something that grosses me, I can make myself throw up. This talent only came in handy for skipping school purposes.

9. I am a laid back, go with the flow person, and I am non-confrontational.

10. However, if you push me to the edge and give me no choice, I get ugly, I don't mess around, I go for the jugular, if I can't win, I will never get in to it to begin with, if I get into it, you're dead meat.

11. When this has actually happened, it has freaked people out.

12. I have never slapped a man or hit another person (besides spanking my kids, yea, I spank them!) and my husband (but that doesn’t count) oh yeah and that one time, I chased Alex (my hubs best friend with an extension cord)

13. I do have a fantasy of getting into a girl fight and kicking some chick’s ass! hahahaaa

14. I'm nosey, curious, feel like I have to know EVERYTHING!

15. I usually have 2 speeds- drag my feet or speedy Gonzales

16. I have a BLOG- my hope is that if I write ALOT maybe I won't talk so much...it's not working.

17. I love music, I decided long ago that I would rather be blind than be deaf; the idea of never hearing music again is more than I can bear.

18. I love to be naked, not in public, but in my house, alone.

19. I am an absolute animal lover, I would have dogs, cats, horses, ferrets, chinchillas, most anything with fur, I love, and alas it took 8 years of marriage to convince my husband to get a dog.

20. I am wicked resourceful. You would be amazed.

21. I have ADHD, no, not I think I have ADHD, I mean a Neurologist says SO! I always knew something was wrong in my brain, not in a bad way, just different from others.

22. I have very poor impulse control and not a lot of verbal filters, see #21, I try and work on this.

23. I won't even talk or think about my Dad getting older, it REALLY freaks me out.

24. I love my smile, my lips and my big butt, so does my husband, on this we agree 100%.

25. I sing ALL the time, all day long, my Dad said when I moved out of the house this is what he missed the most. I can’t say my kids like it, but they are used to it- my husband’s motto to me: Sing it LOUD gorda!

Hug me MORE!!!

Here are some product reviews of the Man Arm pillow- some are jokes (very funny ones) and other are just sad.....but so funny!!

See post below on the AMAZING MAN ARM Pillow if you are confused!

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Wow!, Dec 15, 2008
I LOVE the hug-me pillow. I sleep with 5 of them, it makes me feel like i'm in bed with a whole family.I've always felt there was something missing in my life, a void. I can't explain it but I now feel like one complete person. thank you hug me pillow!

Overall Rating: 4 out of 5It makes me feel whole, Dec 10, 2008
For the nights when I am alone and the simple pleasures of life are not enough. This lonely arm brings me the love that I need. I come home and it greets me, it cooks me dinner, it loves me the way no one could ever love me. His grip is tight and his love is true. His hand holds me tight and I never want to let go. I would not give this gift a negative review. I love itFor those of you who are lonely single and need a mans touch please consider this product it has done wonders for my life.

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Keeps me company!, Jun 7, 2006
I bought this pillow to keep my company on nights when my husband, a correspondent for the Trans-Alaskan News Network, was out of town. The pillow exceeded even my wildest expectations. I'm told the pillow was modeled after Brad Pitt, and I believe it! When I first nestled against the soft, but firm chest of my new "husband" I slept better than I ever had before. Now I don't mind when my husband goes out of town!

Overall Rating: 4 out of 5When you miss your man, Feb 27, 2008
There's nothing that beats this little doll when you miss your man, and you need the comfort and security of feeling that there's someone there to hold you. I can even dress him up in different outfits. High five squishy half mannequin man, high five!

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Snuggle-tastic, Jul 31, 2006
I have to admit that when I first saw the Hug Me Pillow lying on my bed, it looked a little creepy. This feling vanished though as soon as I turned out the lights and snuggled up to it. Since the passing of my partner, the bed often seems like a vast wasteland. Thank you Hug Me Pillow, for comforting me during the lonley nights.

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Accountability At A Bargain Price...!, Jul 18, 2006 By SleeplessButGodly from Virginia
For those of us committed to staying sexually pure and who still want to feel loved at night, this is a Godsend...!! And my compliments to the designers for not making it too "anatomically correct." I can sleep without temptation! Praise the Lord!!!

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5Feb 1, 1900 By Anonymous from Endicott/NY
I had never spooned before until i recieved my new fluffy companion. What a find!

One Thousand Words...

This is my baby, Little Lulu, she thinks she is a 4 pound lap dog, she curls up in my lap in the car, on the sofa and sleeps in a "little" ball in the bed between her Mama and her Papa. But don't be fooled, she may look sweet, but you cross her and you will soon find out that just like her Mama she is a...

Oh yeah, she was digging her claws in to her Papa's back the other day and he rolled over to try and push her in to another position...no one puts Baby in a corner, so she put his hand in her mouth...she didn't chomp down, she just let him wiggle his fingers and feel her giant chompers...he rolled over and went back to sleep. If the girls can live with his snoring, I guess he can live with a paw in his back...

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Worth a Thousand Words Thursday

Now this is what I call a costume! This is a lady that works in my office building, she often comes up to shoot the breeze, she is obviously a fun person and a total trip. This is what she wore to work on Halloween , the whole day! YAY! I LOVE people like this!

I have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

My Baby, the cutest dog on the Planet

Ok, so I just have to post this picture, because yes, I have become "one" of those people....you know, that talk about their dogs all the time, that carry pictures of them and think about them all day long...My only saving grace is that my husband has got it even worse than I do!

Her name is Little Lulu or in Spanish, La Pequena Lulu, yes, she is highly intelligent and bilingual. She has many nicknames: White Devil, Girls gone Wild and Cuca al aire...which I'm embarrassed to say means: Flash your coochie...eww, I know, but she loves to lay on her back flashing her cuca!

So her she is the cutest dog on the planet, in her floaty because she is not a good swimmer!

This is the "money shot" coochie flashing bitch running my household, oh yeah, besides ME...ha-ja