Introducing Snazzy Napper!

Ladies and Blog readers, I present to you to most insane item since the Snuggie for your dog!

The Snazzy Napper! You are supposed to tie this thing that looks like a blanket with a hole for your nose around your head to sleep privately in public. I personally have no problem zonking out anywhere, mouth open, head bobbing, drool a flowing, I just don't give a shit. I do however carry a pretty pink silk sleep mask with me on flights, mostly to look cute. Now there are small ones and then large ones that look like a tent for men and a burka for women. WHAT SORT OF FREAK would wear that in public? Wait....what sort of freak would wear that in their bedroom? Don't answer...freaks.

Wax on, Wax off

Remember the summer of 1984- it was so hot and sticky and you escaped the heat to a cool movie theater only to discover Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid, he was your dream boy. Little did you know he was really like 32 years old!

We all fell in love with him the moment he had to get in his Mom's beat up station wagon to pick up his date. What I also remember about that movie was it teaching me indiretly what "whack off" means. HUH?! Yeah, you heard me. Soon after the movie boys in school were making jokes about "wax on, whack off" Well, there you go, how I learned that boys masturbated.

On Sunday night I was watching the MTV Movie awards with my baby, who by the way turns 18 in July *nooooooooo* The show was littered with commercials for the upcoming new and improved Karate Kid. In one of the commercials Jackie Chan, is teaching the kid the equivalent of "wax on"only he says: Jacket on.

wha-wha-WHAT?!?! I turn to my son and make my "goofy teenage boy" to him "If it is Jacket on, does that mean the next move is- JACKET OFF?!" with a slight hand gesture (I know, it's horrifying to find out I am that Mom!) He looks at me- brings his hand to his face and groans, but laughs at the same time- MOM! hahaha...jacket it off!

He pretends I'm not funny and tells me how unfunny I am all the time, but let's face it: I KNOW I AM FUNNY! bua-hahaha, how do I know? I crack myself UP all the DAMN time!

Camel Toads vs toes

I am sure there were many things my mother's generation had to worry about....I am sure on of them WAS NOT Camel Toes.

When I read the article below I laughed out loud, because I was sure if I called my Mom and asked if she knew what a Camel Toe was, the answer would be: What is at the end of a Camel foot?

Boy, how times have changed....EXHIBIT B, the chic with an actual Camel tattoo on her big toe, ewwww, GROSS, by the way sweetie, it's called a PEDICURE, get one!
Ladies and gay boyfriends, I give you EXHIBIT C- The Cuchini!



Genius, I tell you GENIUS! My sister sent me this CUCHINI link the other day and I started screaming, because (I swear to BUDDHA, this is true) like a month a ago I was thinking there was a market in inventing something that prevented Camel Toe, come on, you know it's true! Of course, some smart ass in Florida already did!

Please click through to their website, it's awesome, seriously the camel girl is adorable and their tag line is "Our Lips are Sealed!" The kicker is you can send a Cuchini to someone anonymously...that's just wrong, if you bitches have the inclination to send me one, just send me money instead, for the "STAY AT HOME MOM" fund I am starting, now that my youngest has turned 17....Camel Toes are the least of my worries!

Monday Mourning

Why can't weekends last forever?

I have a new plan, now that my youngest is a Junior in High School I have decided I want to be a STAY AT HOME MOM, just saying, that's my plan.

Camel Love

A picture is worth a thousand words....

Um, 11 days post op, my friend turned 40 and had a CRAZY bash (belly dancers, henna tattoos, fire dancers, and hookahs everywhere!)....What is a former fat chick to do? Well, take the codeine and GO!

This is the result of 1 drink (I swear) and pain medication.

House Arrest SUX!

So I have been on house arrest since getting out of the Hospital last Thursday. I used to think people who were given house arrest instead of jail time got off easy. Not anymore. It is the worst thing ever. I am bored beyond belief, I have (with the help of my Mom) cleaned out my closet. Put the winter stuff away in a giant Tupperware in the garage and pulled out the summer stuff and have it all in order. Then we got rid of the giant piles of laundry in the laundry room and put them all away. While doing that we discovered a bushell of clothes behind the dryer and (OK, this is bad) made my mom (who is 5 foot tall and 70 years old) climb behind the dryer and pass it too me. I couldn't for god sakes my stomach looks like swiss cheese! That is were I discovered like 25 pairs of my panties, all the slutty ones....I don't know very strange. I have let her control the TV as a sign of Thanks, which means I have been watching Food Network and Lifetime NON-stop! I have only been out twice...one time to the movies, and once to Target. Where they left me at the door and I got a little cart like those older people...I will never make fun of them again, it is so hard to steer those things and they go super fast!

I can not drive until I am off the pain medication and look behind me on both sides, that's what the Doc says. I am seriously hoping that will be Monday.

On a another note, I have more time to blog and surf the internets and have spent hours showing my Mom pictures of everyone and their mother on Facebook! ha-ha Oh yeah, she is blind as a bat and can never find her glasses, so she keeps wandering out of the bathroom with body lotion going is this shampoo? OR suntan lotion, is this toothpaste? MA! Wear your glasses before I have to call POISON CONTROL!
Oh! And my cel phone died and the I got a new one, but lost all 150 contacts in it! I figure if they didn't call to see if I'm alive, SCREW THEM, their not my friends, just sayin.

Why the EFF did you have a kid?

I have been obsessed with this blog since the moment I saw it. Really, it is a never ending TRAIN WRECK that you can log in an look at when ever you want. I know, sick right?

I found it because it was left in the comment section of a very funny 20 something blogger, who now I can't remember her name site or how to get back to her blog...well, she is the one to blame for my very guilty pleasure:

Ladies, I give you: Why the F**K did you have a Kid?!

Please make sure NO ONE can see you screen!

My "thing" with Bunnies

I know everyone love bunnies, furry, cute, cuddly bunnies...me, not so much.

This is one of those stories that people NEVER believe. In fact my kids tell it to their friends and the friends don't believe it either. Eventually they come over to the house and make me "show" them the evidence.

The story goes....

It was Carolyn Bloom's birthday and she had a slumber party. My middle sis, had spent the night at her house and now I tagged along with my Mom to pick up my sis at the Bloom's. My Mom settled in the kitchen with Mrs. Bloom and I went outside to play with the big girls. I think I was six, and am pretty sure the big girls we all about 12. They started a game of follow the leader. I was the last in line of the game. It was cold, there was snow on the ground, I'm sure Mrs. Bloom was sick of having 10- 12 year old girls in her house and made everyone go outside and stay ouside.

Carolyn led the game...

Hop on one foot...

Walk across a log...

Skip between the swings...

Put your finger inside the bunny cage and touch the bunnies frozen water...

As I shoved my right pointer in the cage, it seems the bunny had just had it's fill of little girls invading her space. She had also just had a bunch of little bunny babies and was very protective. The Mama bunny chomped down on my little itty bitty finger. I reacted and yanked my finger out of the cage. Something flew up in the air behind me. I howled, blood gushed out my throbbing finger. I was pulled in the kitchen with the mothers. Mrs. Bloom ran my finger under the kitchen faucet, then a dish rag was wrapped around my finger, then in slow motion she yelled at the other girls:

Go get the piece of her finger- WHAT?!? Yep, a chunk of my finger was missing. Thank God, it had snowed, the blood made it easy to find. They packed it in ice and off I went to the hospital with my Mom. They sewed it back on and all was good. Well, if you count having a crooked finger with a nail that is a funny shape and grows pointing to the right, good, then it was all good.

Look at you fingers, they are sectioned off in the 3 parts. The rascally rabbit took 1/2 of the top 1/3. The lines of the stitches are visible, thus being good proof of my story.

So in honor of Easter and funny bunnies and scary bunnies as well, click here to see the awful rabbits brought to us by Cake Wrecks.

Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

This may be a two part post, so settle in ladies....

Oh, and if you are a MAN, you have no business reading this, really, unless you are a gay man, and then Honey, you know what I'm talking about when I tell you of my misadventures in body waxing!

I have lived in Orlando for 2 and half years and 'till this day I have not found a really good salon to get waxed at. Let me tell you, Miami is the bikini wax capital of the United States, and there resides the best bikini waxer in the world, Annie at Uni-K Wax. My bond with this woman is strong, for years she took care of me, with patience and her gentle hands. I have my suspicion that the wax at Uni-K was infused with a little bit of lidocaine, because I am telling you it really didn't hurt. How well did Annie know me? When I skipped my appointment and came in a few weeks later, she would tsk, tsk, tsk while yanking at my panties and always say "Poor Jose, poor Jose!" The bitch felt sorry for the HUBS having to sleep with Chewbacca! I would always reply: Shut up Annie, he's lucky to get a piece of this! and then we would both cackle away while she ripped every hair from my body from my waist down....ahhhh, good times.

Then I moved, and well, the area I live in Orlando is predominantly white and waxing does not seem as common as with Hispanic women. My theory is.... well, white women just have a LOT less hair, hence less drastic measures of hair removal are called for, whatever, I can't get a good wax people!

I have tried a whole bunch of places, I even got up and walked out of one place in the middle of the wax (yes, I left lopsided) because the woman clearly had NO idea what she was doing and didn't understand a word of English or Spanish and well, it was just down right dangerous at one point. I mean HELLO, she is wielding a Popsicle stick with burning hot wax at your precious coochie! So I said "move bitch, get out the way, get out the way" pulled my shorts on a walked away.

You all remember my trip to Colorado a few weeks back, well I envisioned my self in a Hot Tub next to the snow, which could only mean one thing- bathing suit, which meant BIKINI WAX TIME.

I made and appointment for a mani/pedi/and a wax with Lana at Sunshine nails, oh Lana, they really should just call her Nurse Ratched and get it over with. She seemed nice enough during the mani, very efficient, hmmmm. We moved on to the giant massage chair for the pedicure. Of course I felt like the Jolly Green Giant flopping my big feet towering over her as I follow her svelte under 5 foot frame to the pedi station. She was like a little porcelain Asian doll, very still while I soaked my feet in the hot water. Then she grabbed my foot and went to town. She was a digger, a poker, and real picker. You all know what I mean. Sometimes you get a pedicure that you think, I could have done that! All they did to you was soak, rub cream on you and paint your toes. BUT sometimes you get a Picker. Oh, they take forever and get up all in there and get the job done, they practically sand your heels to the bone. Awesome, I felt like I was getting my money's worth....so smug, forgetting that this was the woman who was going to wax me.

I waddle back to the wax room, with those rubber things spreading my toes apart, my hands in the air, just in case my nails were still wet. Tiny Lana follows me, carrying my purse and ratty flip flops. She hangs my stuff up and turns to me:

Lana: I undress you, no mess up nails.

OK- nothing like having a complete stranger pull your jeans off, specially when your sober! haha! That was a joke PEOPLE!

Lana: I take you panties, itsa better, that way they no get ruined, they sooooo pretty.

I must say that I have a thing with buying ridiculous lacy panties, I think it stems from having to wear giant cotton tents when I was HUGE. Now I buy ridiculous underwear that really are just for show and should never been worn out your house. If I ever was in an accident and they ripped my clothes of in the ER, they probably would think I was a.) the heir to Fredrick's of Hollywood b.) a fat lingerie model c.) a thieving Victoria's Secret employee.

Me: Um, OK.

Now, if I wasn't the accidental exhibitionist that I am, this probably would have been a big RED flag. But, I was leaving to Colorado in the morning and well, honey, something had to be done to that garden of Eden, it had grown way out of control! I mean really the poor HUBS was paying for a nice vacation, he should get something in return.

Stay tuned for part DEUX of- Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

Blog Girl gone wild

My FAV Scary Mommy (Jill) has gone BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S.....she is giving away a pair of Diamond earring, you heard right DIAMOND (not Diamels)

Here they are.....aren't the loverly?!

Just click here and sign up for your chance to WIN!



Can you imagine you can get a pair of Diamond earrings and you didn't even have to SLEEP with someone! The novelty!

To all the cubs I cannot LOVE, I’m sorry your cougar

This has been going on for quite some time…. I love younger men. I am not interested in older men at all. I think the reason is, well...
1. I am married to a 40 year old SUPER HOTTIE. I mean really, I don’t think I have met another man in my husbands age range that I could consider as hot as the HUBS. Celebrities, yeah sure, but not some guy walking on the street.

2. I am have been married for an eternity (almost 19 years) and well, am obviously going to stay married, and I’m not a cheater, my stomach could never stand the stress of lying and all that stress, I know there is NO WAY I could ever do it. So, that leaves me with “looking” only, which makes it fun. You can really just catch a peek at a hot young guy and giggle.

Now, that Cougars are such a hot topic and simultaneously my boys are almost men, I present to you a list of hotties that I wish I could have cougar fantasies about, but simply cannot! It sucks the big one!

Emile Hirsch- Since I first saw him in the Girl Next Door, I loved him! He is my type, very intense, rough around the edges, little off beat. To top it off he is a fabulous actor, Lords of Dogtown, Alpha Dog, and I swear he will break your heart in “Into the Wild”- and then….someone pointed out he looks like one of the Hairy’s…EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ashton Kutcher- I love this boy…Not my type, but making me laugh, helps me be more attracted to you. Besides have you seen the pictures of him when he modeled for Calvin Klein…OH MY DOG- his abs…look then up so you too can feel dirty…all that went out the window when several people started to stay that he looked like one of the Hairy’s …I think it’s the mouth and the personality is similar to Kelso on That 70’s Show, yeah how scary is that?! I am raising a Kelso!
The Jonas Bros, who remind me a my nephew….as previously noted in this POST.

Well, at least I still have my beloved step son, who thank goodness, no one has pointed out that he looks like a HOTTIE….well except for him!

Girls, let me know...who is your favorite cub?

Worth a Thousand Words

I think this picture is about 12 years old...these four beautiful ladies are my sisters, not the biological kind, which I have two of and I SUPER love, even though it is true that growing up the were worse than Anastasia and Drizella. These are 4 of my husband's 5 sisters, in fact it saddens me that the only sister missing from this photo is the one who passed away 3 years ago. They are wonderful, beautiful, loving women, who between the four of them have 10 children! As crazy as it is, it is amazing to spend any Holiday at my in-laws house jam packed with 9 siblings, spouses and over 20 grand kids!

Thanks Jen for sharing!

Totally Akward

So as we have previously established Crazy is often hereditary, and in my case runs on both sides of the family. But my Mom, well, she is special. Special in so many ways...the best part is she has NO CLUE that she is so very special, which almost always makes it hilarious.

One day, we were sitting in a beauty salon reading Cosmo, the type of magazine you would NEVER find in my house. My parents are very much intellectuals, I think my love off reality tv, trash and kitsch is a straight rebellion of their intellectual upbringing of me.

We are sitting there getting our pedis when she blurts out "Boy! I better hurry up!"

My response of course is "HUH?"

Mom: This article says the average woman has sex with 3.4 partners in her lifetime- I'm in my 60's and I have only ever had sex with you Dad!

Now if I told you this was the first or the last time my Mother has tried to have awkward sex conversations with me...well that would be a big fat lie...but then again, it could be worse...I could have actually walked in on them....

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thanks you for embracing our awkwardness...

I found the KEY!

OK, so it only took me 18.5 years....but I found the key to make my husband do ANYTHING! *wooo-hooo*

Right now, he is out buying me ice cream, he already did a load of laundry (who even freaking knew he knew how to use the washer) he has folded all his clothes, and mine and put them away, and he went to return the movie rental to Blockbuster! OMG, I am not sure it is actually my hubs, it could be an imposter! OK, here is the secret, you must get a Doctor to tell him this " If left untreated, this condition could become fatal"

The poor man, yes, yes, I know, it's even mean of me to make fun of him. But seriously, if I didn't need him to drive me home after the endoscopy, I would have never relayed the information in that manner. It would have been more like: some stuff got screwed up with the lap-band, they have to go in and fix it. But since they put you under for when the shove the camera down your throat, you need a driver. Hence, many less house duties for me and much more ice cream! On the shit side of that coin, I have to have surgery ASAP... blah...and not to be superficial or anything, because HEALTH come first, blah, blah, blah....I could go back here FATSVILLE. *waaaaaaaaaa*

Look Mom a NAKED Man!

I think I was in the First Grade, my sisters went to school that day, but I must have had a teacher’s work day, and got to stay home. My Mother had obviously forgotten that I had no school, and with both my sisters at school, had not babysitter. That day in particular she had a test in one of her Art Classes, and she simply could not miss it.....What to do, what to do.
She packed some snacks, paper dolls, coloring books, a blanket and some toys. She told me that she was taking me to class at the University with her, but I must be very quiet and well behaved. I was so excited! She explained to me that there would be other people in the class, it was a drawing class and very important. She said sometimes they drew fruit or chairs, but today they would have a live person to draw and it was a big part of her grade, again emphasizing that I must be a good girl.
She sits at her easel and sets me up behind her on the blanket. I quickly got to my business of paper dolls and coloring books, looking up when the door opened to see the “model” walk in. He was tall, had dark curly hair and was wearing a white robe. He stood up on a round wood structure, so that the whole class could get a look at him, and draw him. There was a circle of easels with students at each easel looking up at this man, and then there was me, sitting on a blanket. I was staring at him, just like everyone else in the room, and then he took off the robe. There he was in all his glory, naked as the day he was born and there I was staring up at him. I quietly moved closer to my mother, got up on and whispered in her ear “Mommy, that man is naked!” she didn’t even turn around, she simply whispered back to me “No, honey, he’s nude.”
Now you’d think, she would have explained beforehand that I would be seeing my first naked man that day, but maybe she thought I just wouldn’t notice, I will say this in my Mother’s defense, it was the 70’s!
So now you know not only that I AM CRAZY, but girls, I come from a long line of CRAZY….next time,my Granma and her past life as a violin player.

Keep on keepin' on

I am sure many of you have already see this clip from the Ellen Show, but I swear to you, I almost lost my MIND I laughed so hard!

Mostly because I am sure this will be me at 84, only I will be ranting in English/ Spanish and worst of all Spanglish...ensuring most people at my nursing home will be baffled! Cause I drink a little too!

Watch it and WEEP or PEE, whateve!

How I know I am CRAZY...

So I have mentioned before that I have a friend and former co-worker that I just simply ADORE. However she is a Psychologist, like for realz, that is probably why she is such a good listener, who I never feel judges me, hence my complete adoration of her. Every once in a while I will be telling her something and she gets a look on her face, she may ask me to repeat what I said or ask a follow up question to delve more in to the issue, and then, JUST THEN, I see it!

I see it in her eyes...THIS BITCH IS CRAZY, that's what her eyes are telling me! I sigh, because she is qualified and she should know!

These are a few examples of when I got that look.

Sane girl: Want some eggs
Crazy Me: Oh, I would love too, I love eggs but I can't eat them anymore.
Sane girl: Health reasons?
Crazy Me: HELL to the NAH, it's just every time I got to eat one I think of a chicken abortion and I get this gross mental image, and well, I just can't.
Sane girl: hmmm, interesting, was it always like this?
Crazy Me: Nope, I just started thinking about it randomly, it a new thing for me.
Sane girl: So, things like this happen to you frequently.
Crazy Me: sure, I can't swim in a pool at night, 'cause of sharks
Sane girl: alrighty then

Last week we went to dinner, with the Hubs and cocktails were heavily involved.

Sane girl: What is your drink?
Crazy ME: Vodka Tonic, double lime
Sane girl: Hubby (hottie, looks like Justin Timberlake!) drinks Gin & Tonic
Crazy ME: EWWW! I can't stand GIN, it tastes like OLD LADY PERFUME!
Sane girl: uh-huh
Crazy ME: YEAH! Every time I've tried it, I get this mental picture of a super old lady with blue hair and pancake make-up and then I'm licking her wrinkly old turkey neck and it tastes like old lady perfume!
Sane girl: *eyes pop out* Excuse me?
Crazy Me: I repeat myself, only this time I lean over and pretend to lick her neck (1. because I'm drunk 2. because she might be a little drunk too and needed the physical explanation of my mental picture!)
Sane girl: OK then *smile*

This was a recycled POST for FUNNY FRIDAY! I promise to post a new one next week.

Never forget your Mama's Birthday!

Sunday was my Mother’s 70th Birthday. All week long, I repeated to myself over and over “don’t forget to call Mom on Sunday.” Well, Sunday came and things had to be done around the house, the dog had to go to the park, the boys needed lunch money, we met with friends, I saw the Macy's Day Parade at Universal…and of course I forgot. Well, almost… as I lay in my bed not able to sleep, with the man already sleeping and snoring, me trying to contain myself from not smothering him, when I remembered…....before I could think, I gasped for air HARD and it sounded like “eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh” sort of like I was watching a bus load of little kids go over a cliff! The man woke up startled “What! What happened!” to which my response was, as I jumped out of bed at 11:30 pm, I forgot to call my MOTHER! The Man mumbled “you better not wake me up again.” What time is it in Guatemala? is it on hour a head or one hour behind, I can never remember, well it's either 10:30pm or not even her Birthday anymore! Thank God, one of the hairy's was still awake, we could call together and tell her the the call wouldn't go through earlier, that pesky International long distance (don't look at me like that, you make your kids lie for you too) the woman is 70 people, she used to have to talk to an operator to make a phone call, she was born the year nylon was invented, she will have no problem thinking the call didn't go through. Now my Mother is a person who is usually asleep by 8pm, being it was 10:30pm in Guatemala (I hope), I was sure she would be sleeping. Well, I was wrong; she picked up on the first ring and was wide awake. She was waiting for my call, and of course she mentioned she thought I had forgot and I was the last to call…boy I just made it by the skin of my teeth, good thing for that different time zone thingy!

Why couldn't this happen on the plane?

I am a big Bill Murray fan, I try and watch Ground Hog's day everytime it is on, I own "What about Bob?" for goodness sakes, and then I read this: Bill Murray, and I just know I love that man!

There is a reason this did not happen on the plane I was on- well, more than one, but:

1. He probably wasn't going to Guatemala
2. I don't fly first class, I am sure he does
3. I would laugh like the complete maniac I am and not stop and then probably pee myself and snort at the same time- then he would flare his nostrils and roll his eyes at me in utter disgust
4. I would totally embarrass my kids by making ( I stress MAKING) him take a picture with me and sign and autograph!

So, it's probably a good this that this didn't happen on my flight.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaack

Yes, I am back from my vacation with many great and zany stories which I will post ASAP, SAT, soon, as I do have "actual" work to do in my real job. I'm dying to post pics as I they are GREAT, but of course I left the cord that enables me to download the pics from the camera to the computer in Guatemala! Why did I even take it?

I'll tell you quickly that I had to get my hair done at the salon the whole time I was there (3 times in all) because the first time I washed my hair and asked my Mom for her hair dryer, she pulls out this thing...almost as big as she is and calls it her blow dryer. It had at sometime in the past been white, it was kind of yellow now, and was shaped like a giant fat gun! I swear on my children's lives that she has owned this contraption since at least 1984!!! I'm just saying if I was divorced and a cougar, I would be dating men younger than my Mom's hair dryer! hahahaaaaaaaa...'fo sho! Suffice to say, it didn't work very well! At least the salon was CHEAP! You sure can enjoy cheap labor in those 3rd world countries! Just saying!