Need a MAN TRAINER

OK, so here is the thing, this dog is super cute, right? When I watch this video all I can think of is- why the F*ck can't my kids or husband do any of these tricks?!? Maybe I need to get more dogs, hire a trainer and live happily ever after!

A REAL Alien

When the kids were younger, my husband had yet to become an American Citizen. Mostly because it was a pain and expensive, and we were lazy.

So he had what is called a "Green Card" on this card there was his picture and it said: Legal Alien Resident on the top of it.

The year Men in Black came out in the movies, the boys were obsessed with it. The had the video and watched it all the time.

That Christmas, we all went to visit my parents in Guatemala, this meant we had our passports and my husband had to bring his green card to get back in the States.

The usual drill when we are in Guatemala is dump the kids on my parents, go out and party with all our high school buds. Well, they must have been bored at Granma and Grampa's, and as usual the oldest came up with some mischief.

Upon our arrival at my parents house, the youngest did not want to come anywhere near his Father. Did'nt want to touch him, look at him, be in the same room with him.

Hours went by and he would'nt budge. He finally confesses to me the following:

I know Daddy is an Alien.

WOW! What do you say to that? Where the HELL did that come from?

Of course I laughed (which I probably shouldn't have since he was crying and looked scared shitless)- No he isn't! That's silly- I responded.

Alex (his older brother) said you would deny it. I know it's true. I saw the paper!

WHAT?!?-

The little bugger ran out the room and ran back with the HUBS green card in his hand.

HE pushed it in to my face- YOU SEE!!! A-L-I-E-N

That's when I rolled off the bed I was laughing so hard.

It finally took Grampa's word and explanation to convince my youngest son that his father was not one of these guys:

I mean really, if he was an Alien, he would defenitly be this GUY:

How long has your hair been dirty?

My youngest recently had surgery on his left wrist, and since he has hair like Lady Godiva, it was impossible for him to wash his own hair with one hand.

How do I know this? Because I have arthritis in my left shoulder and when I had my surgery my husband had to get in the shower and wash my hair for me...at first he was excited because he thought he was going to get lucky. Yeah right, after that didn't happen he was just kind of annoyed.

I explained this to my hairy son, and he scoffed. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday all went by, well you get the picture, Sunday night Lady Godiva comes to me and says: Mom, you gotta wash my hair.
Next was the logistics of the situation, how would this be accomplished? after all he is 17 and I have not seen him naked in YEARS. He hatched a plan, he would don his swimming trunks and get in the shower and get soaking wet. Then I would get in, fully clothed, with the water off and wash his hair. Then I would get out, he would rinse, remove trunks and wash his nether regions.

So Sunday night I get in the shower and grab the shampoo to wash his hair.

He goes: MOM! What are you doing?

me- washing your stinky hair.

Lady G- why are you using the shampoo?

me- to get it clean.

Lady G- You're doing it WRONG, the conditioner goes first, then the shampoo.

me- WHAT!?! Have you never read the bottle? Shampoo rinse repeat, follow with conditioner.

Lady G- you are the one who told me to use Conditioner first!

me- why would I do that, you're nuts, that hair is growing into your brain. How long have you been doing that?

Lady G- FOREVER

HUBS pops his head in the bathroom- What is going on in there? How long is this going to take?

And so I discovered that my son has not washed his hair properly in at least 10 years!

So wrong, so VERY wrong

How can something that looks SO yummy be so wrong?

Yes, ladies and gays, I am talking about the hotnastyness that is Taylor Lautner.

I have held my tongue for long enough, my adoration for him has been silenced too long.

In here lies my dilemma: he is the same age as my youngest son. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

So wrong, so very very wrong.

Now here lies my redemption. I have seen my kids friends, I have been to their school and I HAVE NEVER seen any kids that looks anywhere near as hot as Taylor Lautner. Because, if I was a teacher and Taylor Lautner was my student, I would so go all Mary Kay Letourneau on his fine ASS!

However the other day was a complete fail, as I was watching Entertainment Tonight and they flashed that picture on the screen, I let out a stifled cry "ugh, so wrong"

Of course my older son (who is 18) was walking by and quickly pointed out- "Mom, you know that kid is Stevie's age"

I screamed: I know so wrong, so DAMN wrong!

How did I get here? Where's my phone?

See that boy flying through the air, that's my boy, my baby. Well this same boy was at Vans Skate Park on Saturday for his buddies B-day and was jumping and skating and flying through the air, with FULL protection on (unlike this photo, which I did NOT take and wasn't present at) well, the boy fell and whacked his head hard (yes, he was wearing a helmet.)

I am at the Hospital on the other side of town with my Mom, where I am now every day for several hours a day, when his friend calls me and tells me Hairy has hurt his leg. My response is so-and-so put Hairy on the phone!

baby hairy: Mom, I hurt my knee

Before you all judge me for being BITCH mom of the year, this happens like 3 times a week, calls with whining and complaining that usually end up in pleas to buy soda and burgers.

me: baby hairy, I am at the hospital with Grandma on the other side of town (pissed off tone)

baby hairy: WHAT?! Grandma's in the hospital? Why is she in Orlando?

me: baby hairy, put so-and-so back on the phone. So-and-so, get an adult employee from Vans and sit with him I am on my way to take him to the hospital.

So, baby hairy had a concussion, CT scan was fine.

Did you know that when people get a concussion they have memory loss and ask the same 6 or 7 questions over and over and over and have no memory of doing so.

It was very scary, for the first 3 hours, once the doctor said it was normal and would probably wear off after 12 hours and rest it became the MOST ANNOYING THING EVER.

Stinky long haired 17 year old repeating these questions ever 3 minutes for 10 hours (apparently he drank a shit load of Mountain Dew at Vans and was not sleepy at ALL)

How did I get here?

Did I bump my head? Wasn't I wearing a helmet?

Ow, my knew hurts, oh no did I rip my jeans?

Where is I pod touch?

Did anyone see me fall?

Where's so-and-so?

Do you have my phone?

oh, my head hurts.

At one point you start to wonder if they are messing with you, I mean, they all after all teen aged pain in the ass boys. When he over hear us talking about Grandma in the hospital, he was so alarmed, and asked what happened. When I told him she had a stroke and an brain aneurysm, his eyes welled up with tears. That's when I moved him to my room (so he wouldn't over hear any one's conversations) with plenty of food (and beer for me) and we watched TV and I answered his questions over and over until he fell asleep.

ahhhhhhhhhhh, the joys of motherhood never end

More badness

Of course now that I said I was going to post all the Ring Leader Badness I have magically wiped my memory of them...actually the only one that keeps coming up is almost too embarrassing to post. ALMOST...

When I was 16, my curfew was midnight (completely unacceptable) one of my besties older sister was getting married and it was the social event of the season, all which made it totally insane that I had to be home at midnight. Hence the old switcheroo, my girlfriend Rocio and I each told our parents we would be spending the night at each other's house, that's as far as the plan got.

We got all dolled up for the wedding, we were looking UBER hot, big hair and tons of make-up. We drank and danced all night, well up until 2:30 am when the wedding party was over and then there we were standing in the street like total morons. At least we were not alone, I mean we each had an adorable boyfriend on our arm. Where do we go, what do we do? At 2:30 am in a small city like, um, NOWHERE.

Finally Rocio's boyfriend hatches a plan, this is where it get weird, stay with me. His name is David, his Dad adopted him from Vietnam and lived with his father in an Orphanage. Yes, you heard right, There was the main house, where David's Dad lived, David had a small apartment above the house, with it's own entrance (he was 18) and then there was a huge building on the property which housed about 150 boys, mostly kids that had been street urchins (very common in Latin America.) David proposes we go to his apartment, but we must be very discreet, because his Dad's only rule is NO GIRLS. We all agree, that we will hang out there and then leave about 5:30 and go to breakfast. Of course we get to the apt and with in 10 minutes we all fall ASLEEP! I swear, this is the truth, no one had sex (that night.) David wakes up in a tizzy at 7am and we all rush to find our shoes and leave.

Now this is the worst part...we are creeping across the lawn, smudged makeup all over our faces, pantyhose with holes in them, carrying our shoes in our hands, messed up hair and scrunched up party dresses. All of a sudden I hear cat calls, wolf whistles, boy's laughing and hooting it up. Nothing like having 150 orphans boys screeching "woot-woot, someone got lucky last night"

Now, I never had to do the walk of shame in College, as I was already married and had a child by then, but I can't imagine it would be any worse than the night I spent at Mi Hogar (IE an all boys home.) I included the link so you can see the actual lawn the walk of shame took place on!)

Here is an actual picture of that night. Rocio is in the copper dress, David is the guy in the red bow tie, I am in the black top, but you can;t see my face because I am kissing my then boyfriend on the cheek. Please note the bottle of Scotch on table!

The QUEEN of Bad Ideas

I am the Queen of Bad Ideas. Remember when you were a kid and would get busted and the teachers and parents would talk about the "Ring Leader" and how this person had come up with the bad idea and then made everyone else go along with it....well, see, I AM the Ring Leader.

I was always the one thinking up the stunts, pranks and all around stupid stuff that got us all in trouble. This week I will dedicate my posts to list all of these incidents starting back as far as I can accurately remember. There are instances that I have heard repeated by my family that I don't actually remember myself, like the time I slipped out the hotel room, stripped and was found posing in the nekkid on a coffee table in the hotel lobby. I was easy to find, as the followed the trail of my clothes. I was 3 and already exhibiting exhibitionist tendencies. This one doesn't count, since I don't remember.

Granted, they will get worse as the weeks go on, because seriously, the trouble you got in in the 3rd grade can't possible compare to the trouble you can get into when you 17, can drive and are drinking, just saying. I will spare the names of my accomplices, which after the 8th grade were mostly boys, as I could no longer get girls to go along with my cockamamie plans and pranks. Boys always seemed much more open to being bad, and more willing to do what I said (this still hold true to this day.)

Brownies- the few short weeks, before I was kicked out.

Strike 1- refused to do the sewing project for the badge, mostly just sat and chatted with the other girls while they sewed. One poke in the finger with a needle was enough for me.

Strike 2- stole a box of Nilla Wafers and a pitcher of Kool-Aid and ate them as fast as we could, just for shits and giggles and then chugged the Kool-aid, come snack time, there was none (that was bad) then my little accomplice went home and threw up red goo (thought it was blood and she was dying) and confessed to her Mom on her death bed. Of course I too threw up red goo, but had the good sense too keep it to myself, that was proof the Brownie Leaders needed to nail us (like the kool-aid mustaches weren't enough???)

Strike 3- Went camping to a lake overnight. In my defense, we were sold a whole lot of hooey! We were told it was going to be FUN, swimming, dancing, singing by the campfire and "Smores and more 'Smores. Well, there was no mention of, clearing ground for the tents, gathering water to boil, gathering fire wood, pitching the tent, digging a latrine, yes, let me repeat digging a latrine (in the 4th grade) and then they decided it was too cold to swim. Awwww HELL to the NAH, snuck off (got at least 2 girls to go with) ditched the chores and went swimming in our clothes, then my brilliant plan was to say "we fell in the lake, whilst gathering water" apparently the 35 minute dip, the laughing, screaming and playing gave us away. Aslo in my defense, as I told my parent later, at least we didn;t go SKINNY DIPPING! jeez....

Your out of the Brownies!

Tourists, Dunkin Donuts and little kids

I LOVE Dunking Donuts

I like kids

I tolerate tourists

I get a healthy dose of these three things every Friday. I live in Orlando and every Friday on my way to work I stop and buy donuts for the whole office. Why? Because I am the boss and I want everyone to LOVE me.

Anyway....the DD I go to is at the main entrance to Downtown Disney and all the Disney Parks, it is on my way to the office, but during the summer it is always jam packed of tourists just waiting for the parks to open.

The line is always insane, but the DD employees are super fast and efficient, except for when this happens:

Woman and a million kids have been standing in line for 20 minutes starring in to space, they finally get up to the front of the line and are asked for their order, at that moment the woman proceeds to ask each child what kind of donut they would like. Some of these kids don't even have verbal skills yet. DD has like 300 different kinds of donuts, she make the employee point at every single one until the kid grunts what the Mom assumes is a yes. The other gaggle of kids flip flop from chocolate with sprinkles, to strawberry to vanilla no sprinkles, 3 million times. REALLY?!?! There are 50 people in line behind you OCTOMOM (where the HELL did you get all those kids?) I am one of those people and I haven't had any coffee this morning, I am late to work and last night I had a Networking event where I had 3 glow in the dark martinis that were good at the time, but must have been made with Florida moonshine because MY HEAD is killing me, oh, and did I mention I am late to work and I am the Boss and that looks BAD, specially when you wrote up an employee last week for being consistently tardy to work?!?!!!!!!!!!

Don't give your kids choices! Just buy a dozen donuts and hand them over, THEY ARE DONUTS, they are ALL good! If you insist on giving your 2 year old choices, then do the sane thing: You want vanilla or chocolate, pick one. OK?!

Also...when you are in that Giant SUV that holds your million kids and get 3 miles a gallon on I-4 and realize you are all the way over in the left lane and the exit to Magic Kingdom is in 25 feet in on the right...DO NOT cross 5 lanes in 3 seconds, we are driving at 70 miles an hour and I am in a mini for fucks sake and your TANK could KILL me!

This has been a public service announcement from the sane people of Orlando. We love you and your money. Thank you and have a nice day.

200! not pounds SMART ASS! POSTS!

In honor of my 200th post I am sharing with you all my first post ever!

So please click HERE to see how it all began!

It has been almost a year of me babbling on and on about all the silly stuff going on in my life and in my brain. I am truly surprised every day that people read my blog, I mean some of you actually know me and are interested in my life, however others of you well ...I think it maybe like when you see a car accident on the side of the road, you can't help but look. Or when you're at the supermarket and their is a Mom with her little kid, and the kid is practically THE DEVIL and won't listen to the Mom's: please to sit down, stop screaming, don't touch, etc....and you know she is JUST about to have a melt down and the devil kid might catch a good smack, so you pretend you need to buy the same things as her and follow her just to witness the devil kids TOTAL look of shock (because she has only warned him 3000000 times he's gonna get it) on his face. And then when it happens you have to cover your mouth and stifle a gleeful laugh? And you feel like make "na-na-na" I told you so brat faces at the kid when the Mom isn't looking. Hoping he will learn his lesson and stop torturing his Mom, at least in public. Really, only me? That only happens to me?

Oh well.....how about YOU (yes you, you sexy thing) tell me why you read my blog, in other words: COMMENT bitches!

See you in Hell!

You know how I am always saying I am probably going straight to HELL...

The moment I saw these 2 kids, I knew we would meet up there...who knows it could even be FUN, except for the heat, thrashings, torture, etc,etc, etc.....

See you there!

Tramp Stamps Galore

I want a tattoo, really, a cute retro tattoo, 2 cherries and a stem on my foot, up near my ankle. Of course the HUBS is DEAD set against it. I think it will be so cute, but in his head this is what he sees:

I have seen lovely tattoos on lovely girls, but posting about that just wouldn't be me. So to satisfy the inner bitch in me, here are some classically bad TRAMP STAMPS! Hope none of them are your sister, or you, or you Momma or worse of all YOUR DAUGHTERS! hahahaaaaaa

THE GOOD BOOK NEVER LOOKED SO BAD!

MAKING MAMA & PAPA PROUD!

OH LORD! THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR HOW AWESOMELY BAD THIS IS!

I will never look at a butterfly in the same way again!

Fur Babies vs. Sons

Too late to bitch now, since we have 3 boys living at home, but this is why you should consider sticking to pets vs. children.

1. You will never walk in on your dog having sex with it's girlfriend.
2. You will never catch your dog trying to get his older brother to buy beer for him and his buddies.
3. You will never get a call from a neighbor when your out of town saying there is a "funny" smell coming from your garage, cause your dog is in there with some other dogs smoking something that smells "funny."
4. Also get a call from the same neighbors because there are 15 cars in front of your house while you are out of town and people making out on the hood of a car in your driveway.
5. Your dog will never ask you repeatedly for years over and over to get a tattoo or piercing in their ears, eyebrows, lips, noses or tongues (dogs are not that stupid) or something called gages, which in turn allows you to let them run around with hair as long as Lady Godiva as a freaking compromise!
6. You will never catch two of your dogs sneaking out of the house on the same night.
7. You will never go to wash your dogs blanket and find a condom wrapper.
8. Your dog will never bark at you "you're crazy, you overreact about everything!"
9. You dog will never have 2 other dogs over and drink a case of beer and just assume you wouldn't even notice.
10. You will never have to give the sex talk to your dog, you just get the fucker spayed or neutered.

on the other hand...

1. Your kids will never chew up you favorite pink suede pumps
2. Your kids will never steal your panties form the dirty clothes and eat them (I hope)
3. Your kids won't pee and poo on your rug (mine did, potty training gone bad)
4. You don't need to follow them with a Popper scooper their whole life (once they are potty trained)
5. Your kids won't lick their own private parts (mostly because they can't reach)
6. Your kids kids won't sniff your girlfriends crotch every time she comes over (unless she's a MILF)
7. Your kids won't bite anyone (if they do they rarely break skin)
8. Your kids won't get loose and chase a neighbor barking down the street
9. If your kids ever knock someone up at least it won't be a litter of 8 (unless they are dating Octomom)
10. You kid will never get the runns when you are not home and poo all over your bed, the walls and the carpet, oh yeah and then throw up on half your shoes.

DON'T FORGET TO GET IN ON MY GIVEAWAY!!! It's freaking AWESOME!

My Blog Army

These two are forever making fun of my blog....have they read it, NO! But still the make fun of me and my blog every night at dinner.

The other night I was trying to defend myself saying I have over 175 readers and how people are actually interested in what I have to say. Just then the extra hairy one turns to the facial hair monster and says: Yeah, you better watch it, Mom's gonna get her BLOG ARMY to kick your ass!

That was funny, I must admit, but just so you all know, as followers and readers of my BLOG, you may be asked to one day come to my house and kick my bad ass kids BUTTS! I see you as Gene Simmons see the Kiss Army, you are my BLOG ARMY. In my dreams your are these super hot amazon women, and we all drink like fish, lots of Vodka and Redbull and everyone one wants to be us (all other other lame women) and the Men want to totally "get to know us" if ya know what I mean, and I of course am your UBER hot fearless leader. Just saying...maybe it's the codeine talking...

Talk to 10 Hairy Men...

My besties daughter had her first communion last Saturday. All week long we talked about the preparations and the dress and all the fun stuff. We then reminisced about when the 2 Hairy's had their first communion, eons ago....

The Hairy's are quite the comedy duo, always have been, always will. The week before they take communion for the first time, they all have to go to confession for the first time (it has a special name, but I can't remember it for the life of me.) I dropped them off and came back after it was all said and done. The Catechism teacher advises you not to pry as to what they confessed, but it is OK to ask how it went, etc.

They get in the car:

Fat Mom: How did it go?

Hairy #1: OK, it was just like they said.

Hairy #2: uncharacteristically silent

Fat Mom: and you? How was it?

Hairy #2: That guy was weird (guy= priest)

MY HEART STOPS (this was after all during the pedophilia scandal!) What do you mean WEIRD?

Hairy #2: He told me to talk to 10 Hairy Men!

Fat Mom: WHAT?!?!

Hairy #1: You mean "Say 10 Hail Mary's" you big DUMMY

Hairy #2: yeah that, whatever.

Say 10 Hail Mary's is not the same thing as Talk to 10 Hairy Men- I'm just saying. Now, I am not Catholic and I personally have never been to confession (the poor priest would have to take a week off to hear it!) But it seems to me the Hairy's must have been pretty DAMN BAD to have to say 10 Hail Mary's each!

The day of the Communion we had a small lunch to celebrate the kids not having to go to Sunday school anymore and Mom not having to take them! No, no I kid, I kid, we celebrated their First Communion (they celebrated all the cash they got from everyone!) The whole lunch they were giggling and grabbing my wine in a crazy imitation of the priest. I know lovely!

The usual Priest was ill and they used a re-placement priest that the kids didn't know. He was Spanish (he had just got here from Spain) and had a very thick European accent. It seems the boys thought he sounded like Dracula, specially when he would raise the Goblet and say

"I vant you to driunkh oft thees Bload"

So what they got out of the whole experience was : talk to hairy men and learn to imitate Bela Lugosi, in a nutshell.

I was married in a Catholic Church, because it was important to the HUBS, I signed a piece of paper (no joke) saying I would raise my children Catholic. I had them baptized and took them every Sunday for a year to Church and Sunday school so that they could complete their first communion. The Hubs went to Church the day of the communion.

When it came time for the Hairy's to go for their confirmation, it meant that they had to go 2 nights a week (kicking and screaming because they were now teens) for 2 years. I have always been a working Mom, I usually don't get home until 6pm, at which time I start making dinner (I cook 5 days a week), so it was apparent that logistically it was not going to happen. I offered the job to The HUBS, who is technically Catholic, which he turned down and that was the end of the contract which I was supposed to uphold to the Catholic Church.....Now the question is.........will they send Priest Dracula to get me?!

18 & Life to go...

This has been a crazy busy week for me...

Work

Kids

House

Husband

Dog

add to that acquiring the new bike, PLUS, my oldest some Alex turned 18!

Well, we had to throw a BIG OLE PARTY! He just wanted some pizza and cake for a couple of friends....OH NO, said the MAMA, that just won't do! I birthed you, you have survived to 18, we must celebrate!

So, of course, I planned a big party behind his back, with the help of his girlfriend.

We had MEXICAN FIESTA! And I must say it was awesome! Here are the pics to prove it!

The girlfriend, Alex & Frida

The PASTEL- arriba!

The boy and his MAMACITA!The Friend with the 'stash and the cheapest Mariachis I could find!

It was between a Fiesta Theme or Sponge Bob....

All week we played a game of all the things he could do legally now that he is 18...and some stuff he can get in trouble for:

buy a lottery ticket

buy porn

drink in Canada

go to a strip club

join the Army

Vote!

Sign legal documents

Go to jail (not juvi)

buy cigarettes

get a tattoo

get a piercing

be drafted

get married

This is all we could come up with...any additions?

Worth a Thousand Words

I turned 37 last month....that's the bad news....The good news is I got to eat my favorite take out, got a delish chessecake, and lots 'o presents form my boys. Crazy that they are all taller than me, it seems like yesterday I was pulling off the turnpike, busting up a brawl in the back seat and spanking everyone on the side of the rode...wait, that was yesterday! Oh, the joys of boys....

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Tempt My Tummy Tuesday- Bad Kids

Most of us are Mother's, some of us are MoFo's too....

Now I don't know about you, but I have some bad a$$ kids, and they often need to be taught a lesson, so here is a perfect recipe for one of those days:

The child is in time out- in his room, in the closet, the corner, whatever...and it's lunch or dinner time...

Ingredients:

2 slices of bread (the older the better)

1 cup of water

1 very straight face, if you crack all is lost

Presentation:

chipped plate

metal cup

nasty tray

Present the "meal" to the miscreant child, and say this:

"The law says I must feed you, this is the meal you have earned today."

Then drop the tray *clank* and walk away.

If they have been REALLY BAD, make them real oatmeal (no milk, or sugar or raisins), then let it cool and serve it to them, tell them is is "Cruel Gruel" all they will eat for the rest of their childhood if they don't change their wicked ways.

http://www.blessedwithgrace.blogspot.com/

Getting to know me...

So I was going to start publishing all my crazy stories right off the bat, but then I had a moment of clarity and realized that people who don't really know me very well, might be reading this....hmmmm. So, I have decided to let you all get to know me, and love me for sure, before I unleash my adventures on you...mostly because I in vision these possible out comes if I don't:

1. You will never return to this blog


2. You might call family services for something I did 10 years ago, when my kids were THE DEVIL (that is not an exaggeration)


3. Men in white suits are very likely to show up at my door

So, here goes me in a nutshell (a big ass nutshell)....I grew up in all over Latin America, home based in Washington DC, and grew up multi-culturally,with my Mom and Dad and my two big sisters (I AM the BABY!) I married my leather jacket wearing, motorcycle driving boyfriend when I was 18 and had two devil spawns: Alex & Stevie, before I could legally drink. I can say this now that they are 17 & 16, because I KNOW for a fact that they were abducted by Aliens and replaced with nice boys somewhere around 2000, maybe it was related to that whole Y2K thing! My husband (who I am still married to, yes the same one for 18 years) worked nights, I worked days and then was left alone with those 2 (Alex & Stevie) they made me cry at least once a week, mostly after going to the Supermarket. My husband has had a regular job for years and I was gifted by those aliens with good kids, so life is much better....

I already had a mental list of all the hilarious blogs I was gong to write, but it's either my ADHD or short term memory loss at 36, but I have forgotten about half of them! Here's a list of some of my zany stories coming up (in no particular or chronological order), so stay tuned:

• Why 2 people both with ADHD should never reproduce


• How not to tell your Dad your knocked up at 18


• The nightmares I don't even tell my therapist about


• Someone gave ME a job at an all girl's Catholic High School, DOH!


• Why men should never speak, unless they are Gay
• I tought I was Cinderlla, mostly becasue my sisters WERE the evil step sisters!



• I actually blacked out getting a brazillian coochie wax


• What to do when your kid says"your butt does NOT fit in those jeans" in the middle of the store

There are so many more, many more "good times" to come! Here's a recent pic of me and my men :) see you soon!