Showing posts with label mama gone crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mama gone crazy. Show all posts

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Spanx, not for the faint hearted

Most of you know, I grew up in Latin America and they take the whole panty girdle (what Spanx used to be called) to a while other level. I'm talking about female body armor, bounce a dime off your ass, dime flies across the room takes someone eye out level.

I started wearing these garments when I was 14, and I tell you I had the whole collection, head to toe. In fact I can honestly say my virginity was preserved far more by these undergarments, than my poor judgment.

As an adult I still love the company of these undergarments. However I must warn you, they are not for everyone.

Here are a few examples of my worst experiences in my love/hate relationship with Spanx.

I LOVE how they make me look in my clothes.

I hate how expensive they are.

I hate how long it takes my fat ass to wiggle into one.

I hate that my hubs once walked in on me trying to pull them up and he says he is scarred for LIFE.

I hate that no matter how carful you are, you always feel like someone can see them under your skirt when you sit down or go up steps, and how UN-sexy is that?

I hate that if you go dancing and have a few (OK, like 10) drinks and go to the ladies room, there is ZERO chance you are getting those suckers back up.

Or you can text your Hubs and tell him to come to the bathroom to help you, but your drunk so you text the wrong person "Come here and help me get my panties up, fucker!"

Yeah, I especially hate that one.

I hate that every time I wear them I can't stop thinking about how sausage is made.

I hate that that particular mental image makes me hungry for some kielbasa w/ sauerkraut.

I hate that one of the contraptions was SO like an Iron Maiden that I cut a "pee hole" in the crotch for the purpose of not having to text some random person from a bathroom for help.

And then the pice of crap ran like a bad pair of panty hose, when it cost me a small fortune.

Why not buy one with snaps in the crotch you ask? Yeah, been there- worn those, when you you make any sudden mov they SNAP open, disastrous.


What's a girl to do, beside get a body transplant? Keep wearing those suckers.



Friday, January 14, 2011

Dear Brian, I'm sorry

If you know me or have read my blog- you know I am out numbered. I live with my uber macho husband, my step son and my two sons, so when we got a dog, I put my foot down and we got a girl. Her name is Little Lulu and she is the daughter I never had, which I know sounds weird, but I'm 38 and my youngest is 18. I am teetering on the Empty Nest cliff- so it either act crazy about a dog or have a baby. You do the math.

We have been going back and forth over breeding Lulu since we got her, and she recently had her 3rd heat (not pretty, we fixed her a few days ago.) Unlike the other times she was in heat, she started to act very strangely, trying to hump everything, crying and all over the place emotionally (go figure.)

Of course the Hubs reaction? DO SOMETHING! You're a woman, help her.

I call the vet and explain (they know me very well in that office.) His advice? Get her a stuffed animal and let her take out some of her sexual needs on it. I SWEAR that is what he said.

Where am I going to find a giant teddy bear? And them I remembered something one of the mens I live with had in his room.

I run through the house flinging the doors open, looking for my solution. Found it! Grab it and yell at my son- I am confiscating this for Lulu and run out.

It was like a first date, I sat Brian down on a chair in the family room and let her walk by and check him out.

Second date- I move him to the floor and let her get a closer look and sniff.

Third Date- She looks at me and I give her the go ahead, the thumbs up, the YOU GO GIRL!

She drags Brain to her bed and BAM! Goes at it!



As we watch on as a family ( I know weird) there is giggling, red faces and cringing on my behalf.

Son #3 yells "DOGGIE STYLE!" Son #2 chimes in "Mom, Lulu is 69'ing poor Brain" Technically they were right.

That's it! The Hubs puts his foot down and makes us all leave the room and giver her some privacy, after all she is his little girl.

So Brian, I am sorry Lulu hit it and quit it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I Love me some Shani Davis

I love me some Shani Davis, I mean really, could he be an cuter?

Could he be more adorable? An inner- city kid from Chi-town, raised by a single Mom!

Love IT! However, all I could think about all night last was:


HONEY, where is my suit?

You tell me WHERE MY SUIT IS WOMAN!

Is that WRONG?

OH! Also, BOGO is going on at Payless, so yesterday I went to Dillard's and bought 2 pairs of RED shoes, some AWESOME Steve Madden suede retro pumps with a ruffle, freaking ADORABLE, and some HOT ASS BCBG strappy sandals totally bejeweled out, with gold metal heels, MUY CALIENTE Floozy shoes!

*FYI- if you have not red my blog before, I tell my husband I buy my shoes at Payless when BOGO is going on, so he thinks they are CHEAP, which means I have to buy then 2 at a time!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

one conversation

Daughter- OK, Mom I'm leaving now...I have to go pick up some stuff at the Superstore.

Mother- OH! I need you to get me something, OK? I need you to buy me some bloomers.

Daughter- Fine Mom, what kind would you like me to get you.

Mother- Oh, you know. Cotton, no frills, big ones, like Grandma under wear.

Daughter- Wow, considering you are a 70 something Grandma, I guess your g-string days are over, huh?

Mother- Oh, not really, just for now.

12 year old grand daughter- AHHHHHHHHHHH! Grandma!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Lookey what I got for Christmas!

Remember the stunning, original art, oleo painting made especially for my husband? Yeah, you know, the one I gave him for Christmas! Oh right, apparently NO ONE READ the POST!

Any way, what did I get in return for such a beautiful and Nobel gesture? I got a BOOB Scarf! hahahah- I just crack up every time I see it! OK, not really, but if any one would ever give this to me, I swear to Buddha that I would wear it. Only when going out with the stinky, hairy men that sleep and eat in my house (yes, my kids) or at home when they had their friends over. Just for shits and giggles!

I would lurk around the fridge and see if they were trying to drink my booze....


OK, so I did get some fun and funny gifts. When I get a little breather I will post and blog further.

I hope everyone one had a fantastic holidays and phenomenal New Year's!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A is for Alligators all around, B bursting balloons

When I was a little girl we lived in Silver Spring, Maryland and as many children in the 70's. I was obsessed with Maurice Sendak's book: Where the Wild Things Are, I also was crazy about In the Night Kitchen.
My mother is an artist, so most of the books she bought me as a child involved gorgeous illustrations, and she never worried too much about the content. I remember her telling me In the Night Kitchen was banned from some libraries because the boy was shown naked and something about nocturnal ejaculation (yes, she used those words.) Remember, this was coming from the woman who took me to the natural drawing class with the naked guy, per my post: LOOK MOM A NAKED MAN!
At some point between 1977 and 1979 Maurice Sendak came to White Flint Mall, which was a brand new fancy pants shopping center with a glass elevator that descended in to a water fountain, about 25 minutes from our house. My mother took me to see him. Mr. Sendak read Where the Wild Things are aloud and once he was finished I stood in line to meet him. He was seated and next to him was an easel with black sheets of paper on which he made each child in line a drawing with colorful chalk on the black back round. When we got home my mother sprayed hairspray over it so that it wouldn't smudge. I put it under my bed, as it was the only place it could fit with out being folded. I would pull it out every night and imagine I was Max in a far off land being hero, dancing around a fire with my new found fierce friends.
We moved houses and countries, states and schools at least 10 times since I had that drawing under my bed, and of the things that I lost and were broken or ruined in the moves, that is the one thing I regret the most. Last night, I told my Mom about the movie coming out and how I was taking my boys to see it. I asked her if she remembered taking me to the Mall, she didn't, but she also couldn't remember what she had for diner 10 minutes ago.
Instead of focusing on my my childhood, I told her about how I bought all the same books for my boys, how to this day can still sing every damn song from I'm really Rosie, and make a different voice for every monster, and can make the 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeee" sound for 30 seconds when Mickey slides down to the Night Kitchen. So tomorrow night, after I leave the hospital I will take my boys (now 18 & 17) to see Where the Wild Things Are, and I am sure I will cry my eyes out, and one day down the road they will buy these same books for their kids, and then I will be able to dance around and sing and play all thanks to Mr. Sendak and my mom the artist.

Friday, October 2, 2009

My kind of BFF

I call my friend on Friday at about noon to see if she wants to go to lunch.

Her- *hack*hack* hello
Me- Hey what's up
Her- I am SO sick
Me- Really?
Her- I'm dying
Me- hmmmm, did you go to bed really late last night?
Her- yeah
Me- Did you drink a shit load of vodka?
Her- um, yeah
Me- Sweetie, you're not sick, it's called a HANGOVER
Her- HA-HA-HA (not a real laugh, but a sarcastic she thinks I'm a bitch laugh)
Me- And YOU of all people should know this by now: H-A-N-G-O-V-E-R

This is what happens when your husband and kids go out of town- WE BREAK OUT THE VODKA!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday Mish Mash

I love Google, what on earth did we do before the Internet. For example, if let's just say, you had to find out why someones poop is bright green, what did you do before the Internet? Did you call your Mom? The Doctor, or just suffer in agony thinking something was very wrong with you. Well it turns out that bright green poo can be caused by eating a BOAT LOAD of Jelly beans or Skittles. Now, all I am going to say is that the producer of the bright green poo eats about a pound of candy a day, but said person also runs 7 miles, 6 days a week, so said person can get away with eating 3 pounds of candy a day, but was freaked out by the glow in the dark green poo. It is obviously not me, I will only run if some with a knife is chasing me, and then I would consider just laying down and letting them kill rather than wasting my time pretending I could out run a knife wielding maniac.

Last night I had a dream that I was dating Mathew Mcconaughey, but he wasn't famous. He was really nice and we were going to buy a nice new house together. Oh, and I had a little brother and Mathew was so sweet to him. I think the dream was more of a fantasy of getting a new house, rather than dating Mathew. I mean he isn't even on my 10 ten list.
Here is my top ten list, it changes all the time.
My Top 10 lest of Hot Ass Men *in no particular order
  1. Alonzo Mourning (I have met him in person a couple of time and OMG)
  2. Dwayne Johnson- The Rock
  3. Dennis Quiad
  4. Ryan Reynolds
  5. Jason Statham
  6. Jeff Goldblum
  7. Carlos Ponce (have met him too, oh my...drool)
  8. Ryan Gosling
  9. David Beckham
  10. Eric Bana

Ladies and gays, if you do not know who any of these men are I encourage you to look them up on Google Images, deliciosos!

Going to see Inglorious Bastereds as a family tonight- ahhh, wholesome family time
Is it wrong that I yelled at a lady on 1-4 yesterday "Lady! You're a f*cking Maniac" with my oldest in the car? Wait...before you judge me
  1. My son is 18
  2. She seriously almost killed us
  3. It was so bad my son actually took off his Ipod and said "Dude, that lady needs to learn to drive"
  4. Is it wrong that my kids call me Dude?
Happy Weekend!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Camel Toads vs toes

I am sure there were many things my mother's generation had to worry about....I am sure on of them WAS NOT Camel Toes.


When I read the article below I laughed out loud, because I was sure if I called my Mom and asked if she knew what a Camel Toe was, the answer would be: What is at the end of a Camel foot?

Boy, how times have changed....EXHIBIT B, the chic with an actual Camel tattoo on her big toe, ewwww, GROSS, by the way sweetie, it's called a PEDICURE, get one!
Ladies and gay boyfriends, I give you EXHIBIT C- The Cuchini!



Genius, I tell you GENIUS! My sister sent me this CUCHINI link the other day and I started screaming, because (I swear to BUDDHA, this is true) like a month a ago I was thinking there was a market in inventing something that prevented Camel Toe, come on, you know it's true! Of course, some smart ass in Florida already did!
Please click through to their website, it's awesome, seriously the camel girl is adorable and their tag line is "Our Lips are Sealed!" The kicker is you can send a Cuchini to someone anonymously...that's just wrong, if you bitches have the inclination to send me one, just send me money instead, for the "STAY AT HOME MOM" fund I am starting, now that my youngest has turned 17....Camel Toes are the least of my worries!


Monday, June 22, 2009

Monday Mourning

Why can't weekends last forever?
I have a new plan, now that my youngest is a Junior in High School I have decided I want to be a STAY AT HOME MOM, just saying, that's my plan.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Tramp Stamps Galore

I want a tattoo, really, a cute retro tattoo, 2 cherries and a stem on my foot, up near my ankle. Of course the HUBS is DEAD set against it. I think it will be so cute, but in his head this is what he sees:
I have seen lovely tattoos on lovely girls, but posting about that just wouldn't be me. So to satisfy the inner bitch in me, here are some classically bad TRAMP STAMPS! Hope none of them are your sister, or you, or you Momma or worse of all YOUR DAUGHTERS! hahahaaaaaa


THE GOOD BOOK NEVER LOOKED SO BAD!



MAKING MAMA & PAPA PROUD!



OH LORD! THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR HOW AWESOMELY BAD THIS IS!

I will never look at a butterfly in the same way again!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Crazed Mama moments

I am sure my kids think I say crazy stuff all the time, in fact I am going to ask them to each send me a list of 5 crazy things I say and make that a post.

I am sure I will have a valid explanation for each one.

The reason I am thinking of this, is because the other day I was thinking of all the crazy stuff my mom used to say to me. I am sure in her mind the was a very valid reason to say these things. I think the problem lies within the the fact (I say this because this is why I do it) that we just say stuff to our kids and want them to blindly accept them, seriously, it would never stop if we had to explain every damn thing to them.

So here is a list of the crazy stuff my Mom said to me over the years:

1. You can't have those Precious Moments dolls, why do you want them? They look like they have Downs syndrome. (I was 6)

2. You are too old to get a Cabbage Patch Doll (I was 12)

3. You are too young to go to the movies with your friends alone (I was 12, make up your mind lady)

4. You can't be the great pumpkin for Halloween, how are you going to dance with the boys? (I was 12)

5. You are too young to shave your legs (I was 12)

6. You know what my Mom used to do? She would rub alcohol on her legs and then light it to burn the hairs off, because her mom didn't let her shave her legs, maybe you should try that! (Wait...I can't shave, but I should set myself on FIRE?! I was 12)

7. That bra does nothing for you, you need a serious under wire (HUH?! wire, sound painful! I was 15)

8. How about changing boyfriend less than you change your underwear (I was 16, what! I was popular, had to play the field!)

9. I know we have never had the talk, but... (um, too late now, I was 17)

10. You know, you can't get married in WHITE (the HELL I CAN! I was 18)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Don Bailey- Fancy a SHAG?

It was 1995 and I was moving to Miami. I was 23, married and had 2 kids, and had just spent 2 years in Silver Spring, Maryland. My husband decided we should move to Miami, and because I grew up a Diplomat Brat, moving every 2 or 4 years, it sounded like a great idea. My husband left August 1st, to find a job and someplace to live, I would follow as soon as he had a job. My mother (bless her heart) came to help with the moving and the babies, and stayed with my older son (who was 4 at the time) while I left with the youngest, who had just turned 2, and boy was he terrible. I left Maryland with my youngest the last week of August, I packed my little hatchback and but it on the car train from Virginia to Sanford, Fl, then chased Stevie up and down the aisles of the train ALL NIGHT LONG. The ADHD is strong in that one! After a long night, we were happy to arrive in Florida, but still had a 4 hour drive down to Miami, the poor hairy monster must have thought once we were off the train it was play time, because the minute I stuck him in the car seat, he just about lost his mind! I swear he screamed the whole way, and then it started POURING rain. Not raining, BUCKETS of water, giant SUV's sped by drowning my tiny hatchback….it was rough. In typical Florida fashion the sun was shining 5 minutes later as I was approaching the city, just then it came in to my field of vision. A giant billboard with what seemed to be Burt Reynolds naked on it. WTF!?! As I got closer this is what I saw….

Oh my WORD, WOW! I was in LOVE; I screamed and hollered I laughed so hard. Just then my obsession was born. Don Bailey you are my MAN! I would drive by the various billboards all the time or see his delivery trucks and scream “I LOVE YOU DON BAILEY, YOU SEXY MAN!” I scream all the time in my car, even if I’m not alone. Sometimes I would just yell “PAPASOTE! Mi novio!” and blow a kiss to him. The year I turned 30, I commissioned a birthday cake with him on it, yeah baby! I will dig up the picture over the weekend, no I didn't have a digital camera back then! I promise to post it.....In short I have many obsessions, specially "local celebrities" but this is one of my all time favorites. He was 37 when he posed for the painting...I am 37...coincidence, I think not...you and me Don Bailey, it's written in the stars....just don't tell THE HUBS!


Below is a Miami Herald Article that I found on line....but there was no actual link- it's a great article!

HE BARED IT ALL TO COVER FLOORS By Nicholas Spangler

An enormous naked man watches over South Florida. He is handsome, muscular, pleased with himself. He calls to mind Michelangelo's David, with a mission from a more swinging time: to put quality shag carpeting in every home for an affordable price.This, of course, is Don Bailey, the naked carpet man, whose painted image appears on billboards and murals from Deerfield Beach to Miami.Over the years he has appeared, clothed, in other advertising campaigns. But who remembers that ''Don Bailey made history by selling carpet at such low prices,'' even after seeing his face pasted over one of the lesser presidents' on a mock up of Mount Rushmore? Does anyone really care that ``The ladies of Florida love Don Bailey for taking inflation out of carpet prices?''No, the genius is in the flesh, which is ageless, forever at leisure. And that grin: so white, so wide and sunny. Take comfort, it says; for whatever tragedies beset this world, there will always be Berber.Don Bailey is a real person. He lives in a house on Biscayne Bay with his third wife and teenage son, goes to work every day, drives a green pickup with his naked picture on the back.The carpet business has made him rich, and he is generous with his money. Carpet deliverymen and saleswomen across South Florida have gone to college, bought first houses and family cars because of his gifts.But back in 1972, when the first billboard went up, he was a truck driver's assistant who had had to borrow $5,000 to set himself up in the carpet business.Business was bad. It didn't stay that way.In April of that year, Cosmopolitan magazine published what is believed to have been the first male centerfold in history. It showed Burt Reynolds reclining on a bearskin rug, naked with cigarette in hand. It sold out at newsstands in a matter of days, and opened a beefcake floodgate: Joe Namath and Bucky Dent appeared in posters of their own.Bailey -- who was, he will remind you, a football star at Edison Senior High -- cheerfully followed suit, posing himself in Reynolds' style one afternoon in his living room for his brother Jack, a commercial artist. Later, in a moment of fleeting modesty, Bailey had flesh-colored shorts added.Carpets were suddenly sexy. Women came into the store asking for posters, so Bailey had a few hundred printed up. He put the image on T-shirts, baseball caps, delivery trucks, the trunk of the sedan he was driving.He got catcalls and double-takes on the street, letters from concerned churches. Nightclub pianists announced him when he walked in the door.His son, Don Jr., in his first year of middle school, was branded forever as the ``son of the naked carpet guy.''`TYPICAL' His wife at the time, the unflappable Johannah Bailey, considered it ``just a typical Don Bailey thing to do.''The naked man made for some of the most exciting moments in carpet history. There was the flap with Reynolds' publicist, which arose when Bailey claimed the man on the billboard had Reynolds' body and Bailey's head. This was not the case, as Bailey's artist brother would later confirm; he'd tried it, to disturbingly Frankensteinian effect, and ended up just adding some muscles to his brother's body. Bailey disputed this, saying he had ''a hell of a body'' and it had been his body on the signs all along.Then came Hurricane Andrew, which blew away a single panel of Bailey's Miramar billboard -- Bailey's private parts, as fate would have it.The greatest moment of them all came in 1988, when Vicki Coceano, then a Miramar city commissioner, began a campaign to cover Bailey up. ''He needs to get dressed, or he needs to get off the rug,'' she said at the time. Bailey refused.Their dispute ended when Bailey donated the carpet for Miramar's youth center and mailed Coceano ''I Love Vicki'' buttons.One can only assume the world was suffering a critical news shortage at the time, because media outlets from as far away as South Korea ran with the story.BUSINESS GROWS Business tripled, and soon Bailey opened a second store; five more followed.Today, Don Jr. is recovering nicely from middle school and professes to be nearly free of anxiety. ''Nothing in life could embarrass me after growing up under that sign,'' he said. He's now a partner in the company and the radio voice of the University of Miami football team after playing two years of professional football with the Baltimore Colts in the mid-'80s.Johannah Bailey, who kept the name after an amicable divorce, works with emotionally handicapped children and occasionally has to explain to them history's sad inexorable progress. ''I just say he doesn't look like that now,'' she said one recent morning. ``I know none of us do.''Coceano, who went on to serve Miramar as commissioner for 12 years and mayor for 10 more, has retired from public life. ''I didn't want to censor anybody,'' she said, reached at home this week. ``I just didn't want a naked man on a billboard.''The man himself is 70 now; he was 37 when the first billboard went up. He is grayer and wider than his famous image.He is faced, these days, with the singular problem of looking less and less like himself.He was ruminating on this one afternoon in the house he shares with his present wife, Donna, and their son, Brett. It is full of family pictures and has a stained glass bay window depicting a naked man reclining on a carpet, done in a mercifully abstract style.''I still go out on deliveries on the driver's day off,'' Bailey said, smiling as if he were about to bestow a gift. ``So this customer takes one look at me, says, `You shouldn't be working at your age. Here's $5. Have lunch on me.'''And you know what? I did,'' and by then Bailey was laughing, heaving with laughter.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

If you knew me

If you knew me, I mean really knew me, this is what you would know. I am obsessed with pink, if it were up to me, I would live in a pepto bismol factory. I go batty over everything girly too. The husband says there is a reason why we never had a girl, I would have scared the child for life, she would wear pink and ruffles and pantaloons and I would curl her hair and paint daisy's on her toe nails. Seriously, I would, and I would have insisted on naming her Daisy or Betty, Lulu (not anymore, as that's what I name my dog) maybe Lola, Penelope, but not Petunia, because even I know that is too much.
Since I do not have a little girl and the HUBS banned any dogie clothes for Lulu, I have to conform with looking at cute stuff for me on the Internet. Oh the HORROR!
Here are a few things I have been obsessing over lately...


OMG! Have you ever seen a more perfect SHOE!

I NEED this done to my NAILS NOW!!!

If I ever DO have a girl, I have to move to TAIWAN, because this is where I will give birth, NO WHERE ELSE!


That's it....you think you know me now? Send me pics of stuff you think I would like...I will post the really good ones, and some of the really BAD ones...BWA-HAHAHA..or better yet, if you're rich, unlike me, send me the STUFF! hahahaaaaa, how would I explain that to the HUBS....um, I have a LOVER and he sends me Hello Kitty stuff and shoes (OMG, he sounds perfect!)