Showing posts with label naked men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label naked men. Show all posts

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Proof of the Crazy

The set up:
I was a young teenage girl, skinny with flowing straight light colored hair (white girl hair,) I was also bullied and tortured in school. Why? Because I was a genius! A math and science geek! If you haven't figured it out, this was a dream. Any who...I devised a plan for revenge- it involved stealing chemical warfare and dynamite. What? Yeah I know... then on a school field trip, to some caves (how convenient.) I dump the chemicals and blow up the mouth of the cave- therefore trapping and killing everyone inside! Violent much?

Now for the spy portion- I was also supposed to be in the cave- so I needed a new identity. I cut my hair super short and donned some boy jeans and a plaid shirt- an voila, I was a boy, very much like in Hilary Swank "Boys Don't Cry".

The hot part of the dream- Part of my new identity is being James Franco's male roommate- however we are really lovers *SCORE* We were so happy while it lasted!

The nightmare portion- I come home early to find my man James Franco making out with a voluptuous tall Latina- Sophia Vergara type- oh the horror! In true soap opera style I yell over and over "what does she have that I don't have"

Freaky portion- She whips open her wrap dress and has some big ole hairy man junk! AHHHHH! That's what she had that I didn't have.

Just then Lulu wakens me to go pipi at 3am- I was happy she did so-Back to sleep

Lucid dream- my true talent- when I go back to sleep- the penis having Sophia Vergara is gone- James Franco and I are happily married and Lulu has just had puppies!

Yes, best dream ever.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Bad Man, bad bad man

I am sure you have seen this video by now. I, for one have been watching it all week. I even told the HUBS about it while we were walking on the boardwalk eating ice cream on Madeira Beach, he just looked at me crazy, as usual. Why do I love this video so much? You know this has to be this DJ's wife. It makes me think of when you go into the bathroom before bed and when you come out "someone" is in their underwear doing a little dance thinking they are funny and gonna get some. That is the look on that woman's face. Complete and utter resignation that she is married to HIM.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A is for Alligators all around, B bursting balloons

When I was a little girl we lived in Silver Spring, Maryland and as many children in the 70's. I was obsessed with Maurice Sendak's book: Where the Wild Things Are, I also was crazy about In the Night Kitchen.
My mother is an artist, so most of the books she bought me as a child involved gorgeous illustrations, and she never worried too much about the content. I remember her telling me In the Night Kitchen was banned from some libraries because the boy was shown naked and something about nocturnal ejaculation (yes, she used those words.) Remember, this was coming from the woman who took me to the natural drawing class with the naked guy, per my post: LOOK MOM A NAKED MAN!
At some point between 1977 and 1979 Maurice Sendak came to White Flint Mall, which was a brand new fancy pants shopping center with a glass elevator that descended in to a water fountain, about 25 minutes from our house. My mother took me to see him. Mr. Sendak read Where the Wild Things are aloud and once he was finished I stood in line to meet him. He was seated and next to him was an easel with black sheets of paper on which he made each child in line a drawing with colorful chalk on the black back round. When we got home my mother sprayed hairspray over it so that it wouldn't smudge. I put it under my bed, as it was the only place it could fit with out being folded. I would pull it out every night and imagine I was Max in a far off land being hero, dancing around a fire with my new found fierce friends.
We moved houses and countries, states and schools at least 10 times since I had that drawing under my bed, and of the things that I lost and were broken or ruined in the moves, that is the one thing I regret the most. Last night, I told my Mom about the movie coming out and how I was taking my boys to see it. I asked her if she remembered taking me to the Mall, she didn't, but she also couldn't remember what she had for diner 10 minutes ago.
Instead of focusing on my my childhood, I told her about how I bought all the same books for my boys, how to this day can still sing every damn song from I'm really Rosie, and make a different voice for every monster, and can make the 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeee" sound for 30 seconds when Mickey slides down to the Night Kitchen. So tomorrow night, after I leave the hospital I will take my boys (now 18 & 17) to see Where the Wild Things Are, and I am sure I will cry my eyes out, and one day down the road they will buy these same books for their kids, and then I will be able to dance around and sing and play all thanks to Mr. Sendak and my mom the artist.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday Mish Mash

I love Google, what on earth did we do before the Internet. For example, if let's just say, you had to find out why someones poop is bright green, what did you do before the Internet? Did you call your Mom? The Doctor, or just suffer in agony thinking something was very wrong with you. Well it turns out that bright green poo can be caused by eating a BOAT LOAD of Jelly beans or Skittles. Now, all I am going to say is that the producer of the bright green poo eats about a pound of candy a day, but said person also runs 7 miles, 6 days a week, so said person can get away with eating 3 pounds of candy a day, but was freaked out by the glow in the dark green poo. It is obviously not me, I will only run if some with a knife is chasing me, and then I would consider just laying down and letting them kill rather than wasting my time pretending I could out run a knife wielding maniac.

Last night I had a dream that I was dating Mathew Mcconaughey, but he wasn't famous. He was really nice and we were going to buy a nice new house together. Oh, and I had a little brother and Mathew was so sweet to him. I think the dream was more of a fantasy of getting a new house, rather than dating Mathew. I mean he isn't even on my 10 ten list.
Here is my top ten list, it changes all the time.
My Top 10 lest of Hot Ass Men *in no particular order
  1. Alonzo Mourning (I have met him in person a couple of time and OMG)
  2. Dwayne Johnson- The Rock
  3. Dennis Quiad
  4. Ryan Reynolds
  5. Jason Statham
  6. Jeff Goldblum
  7. Carlos Ponce (have met him too, oh my...drool)
  8. Ryan Gosling
  9. David Beckham
  10. Eric Bana

Ladies and gays, if you do not know who any of these men are I encourage you to look them up on Google Images, deliciosos!

Going to see Inglorious Bastereds as a family tonight- ahhh, wholesome family time
Is it wrong that I yelled at a lady on 1-4 yesterday "Lady! You're a f*cking Maniac" with my oldest in the car? Wait...before you judge me
  1. My son is 18
  2. She seriously almost killed us
  3. It was so bad my son actually took off his Ipod and said "Dude, that lady needs to learn to drive"
  4. Is it wrong that my kids call me Dude?
Happy Weekend!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Don Bailey- Fancy a SHAG?

It was 1995 and I was moving to Miami. I was 23, married and had 2 kids, and had just spent 2 years in Silver Spring, Maryland. My husband decided we should move to Miami, and because I grew up a Diplomat Brat, moving every 2 or 4 years, it sounded like a great idea. My husband left August 1st, to find a job and someplace to live, I would follow as soon as he had a job. My mother (bless her heart) came to help with the moving and the babies, and stayed with my older son (who was 4 at the time) while I left with the youngest, who had just turned 2, and boy was he terrible. I left Maryland with my youngest the last week of August, I packed my little hatchback and but it on the car train from Virginia to Sanford, Fl, then chased Stevie up and down the aisles of the train ALL NIGHT LONG. The ADHD is strong in that one! After a long night, we were happy to arrive in Florida, but still had a 4 hour drive down to Miami, the poor hairy monster must have thought once we were off the train it was play time, because the minute I stuck him in the car seat, he just about lost his mind! I swear he screamed the whole way, and then it started POURING rain. Not raining, BUCKETS of water, giant SUV's sped by drowning my tiny hatchback….it was rough. In typical Florida fashion the sun was shining 5 minutes later as I was approaching the city, just then it came in to my field of vision. A giant billboard with what seemed to be Burt Reynolds naked on it. WTF!?! As I got closer this is what I saw….

Oh my WORD, WOW! I was in LOVE; I screamed and hollered I laughed so hard. Just then my obsession was born. Don Bailey you are my MAN! I would drive by the various billboards all the time or see his delivery trucks and scream “I LOVE YOU DON BAILEY, YOU SEXY MAN!” I scream all the time in my car, even if I’m not alone. Sometimes I would just yell “PAPASOTE! Mi novio!” and blow a kiss to him. The year I turned 30, I commissioned a birthday cake with him on it, yeah baby! I will dig up the picture over the weekend, no I didn't have a digital camera back then! I promise to post it.....In short I have many obsessions, specially "local celebrities" but this is one of my all time favorites. He was 37 when he posed for the painting...I am 37...coincidence, I think not...you and me Don Bailey, it's written in the stars....just don't tell THE HUBS!


Below is a Miami Herald Article that I found on line....but there was no actual link- it's a great article!

HE BARED IT ALL TO COVER FLOORS By Nicholas Spangler

An enormous naked man watches over South Florida. He is handsome, muscular, pleased with himself. He calls to mind Michelangelo's David, with a mission from a more swinging time: to put quality shag carpeting in every home for an affordable price.This, of course, is Don Bailey, the naked carpet man, whose painted image appears on billboards and murals from Deerfield Beach to Miami.Over the years he has appeared, clothed, in other advertising campaigns. But who remembers that ''Don Bailey made history by selling carpet at such low prices,'' even after seeing his face pasted over one of the lesser presidents' on a mock up of Mount Rushmore? Does anyone really care that ``The ladies of Florida love Don Bailey for taking inflation out of carpet prices?''No, the genius is in the flesh, which is ageless, forever at leisure. And that grin: so white, so wide and sunny. Take comfort, it says; for whatever tragedies beset this world, there will always be Berber.Don Bailey is a real person. He lives in a house on Biscayne Bay with his third wife and teenage son, goes to work every day, drives a green pickup with his naked picture on the back.The carpet business has made him rich, and he is generous with his money. Carpet deliverymen and saleswomen across South Florida have gone to college, bought first houses and family cars because of his gifts.But back in 1972, when the first billboard went up, he was a truck driver's assistant who had had to borrow $5,000 to set himself up in the carpet business.Business was bad. It didn't stay that way.In April of that year, Cosmopolitan magazine published what is believed to have been the first male centerfold in history. It showed Burt Reynolds reclining on a bearskin rug, naked with cigarette in hand. It sold out at newsstands in a matter of days, and opened a beefcake floodgate: Joe Namath and Bucky Dent appeared in posters of their own.Bailey -- who was, he will remind you, a football star at Edison Senior High -- cheerfully followed suit, posing himself in Reynolds' style one afternoon in his living room for his brother Jack, a commercial artist. Later, in a moment of fleeting modesty, Bailey had flesh-colored shorts added.Carpets were suddenly sexy. Women came into the store asking for posters, so Bailey had a few hundred printed up. He put the image on T-shirts, baseball caps, delivery trucks, the trunk of the sedan he was driving.He got catcalls and double-takes on the street, letters from concerned churches. Nightclub pianists announced him when he walked in the door.His son, Don Jr., in his first year of middle school, was branded forever as the ``son of the naked carpet guy.''`TYPICAL' His wife at the time, the unflappable Johannah Bailey, considered it ``just a typical Don Bailey thing to do.''The naked man made for some of the most exciting moments in carpet history. There was the flap with Reynolds' publicist, which arose when Bailey claimed the man on the billboard had Reynolds' body and Bailey's head. This was not the case, as Bailey's artist brother would later confirm; he'd tried it, to disturbingly Frankensteinian effect, and ended up just adding some muscles to his brother's body. Bailey disputed this, saying he had ''a hell of a body'' and it had been his body on the signs all along.Then came Hurricane Andrew, which blew away a single panel of Bailey's Miramar billboard -- Bailey's private parts, as fate would have it.The greatest moment of them all came in 1988, when Vicki Coceano, then a Miramar city commissioner, began a campaign to cover Bailey up. ''He needs to get dressed, or he needs to get off the rug,'' she said at the time. Bailey refused.Their dispute ended when Bailey donated the carpet for Miramar's youth center and mailed Coceano ''I Love Vicki'' buttons.One can only assume the world was suffering a critical news shortage at the time, because media outlets from as far away as South Korea ran with the story.BUSINESS GROWS Business tripled, and soon Bailey opened a second store; five more followed.Today, Don Jr. is recovering nicely from middle school and professes to be nearly free of anxiety. ''Nothing in life could embarrass me after growing up under that sign,'' he said. He's now a partner in the company and the radio voice of the University of Miami football team after playing two years of professional football with the Baltimore Colts in the mid-'80s.Johannah Bailey, who kept the name after an amicable divorce, works with emotionally handicapped children and occasionally has to explain to them history's sad inexorable progress. ''I just say he doesn't look like that now,'' she said one recent morning. ``I know none of us do.''Coceano, who went on to serve Miramar as commissioner for 12 years and mayor for 10 more, has retired from public life. ''I didn't want to censor anybody,'' she said, reached at home this week. ``I just didn't want a naked man on a billboard.''The man himself is 70 now; he was 37 when the first billboard went up. He is grayer and wider than his famous image.He is faced, these days, with the singular problem of looking less and less like himself.He was ruminating on this one afternoon in the house he shares with his present wife, Donna, and their son, Brett. It is full of family pictures and has a stained glass bay window depicting a naked man reclining on a carpet, done in a mercifully abstract style.''I still go out on deliveries on the driver's day off,'' Bailey said, smiling as if he were about to bestow a gift. ``So this customer takes one look at me, says, `You shouldn't be working at your age. Here's $5. Have lunch on me.'''And you know what? I did,'' and by then Bailey was laughing, heaving with laughter.

Friday, April 24, 2009

One Fine Doctor!

Hey Chickie's! I finally got a surgery date: May 19!


My Doctor set it all up and I am happy to be moving forward.

He tells me that the other specialist who will be operating on my is Dr. Nieto, some guy I have never met.

Today I decided to do a little research and see who this other guy who is going to be seeing me passed out naked on a metal table is...OMG!






He is DAMN fine! Noooooooooooooooooo, why did I look him up!?! Now when I meet him I will be blushing and giggling like a school girl! How humiliating.... Oh yeah and he speaks Spanish, so what if while I'm under I'm all like "ay, doctorcito que lindo es usted" Ay Dios MIO!

I'm sure THE HUBS will love this one!

On the bright side I will think of him staring at me naked while on the Operating table mumbling "Who is this damn heffer I am operating on" And so girls, this is my NEW and IMPROVED weight loss plan!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

WTF?!

Have you all seen this on TMZ? Z-List hottie savCheck Spellinges Dog, NAKEY!

Now, listen I have no problemo see that hottie Eric Niles in the buff, and I would crawl on the ice to save my precious child (some freaks insist on calling her a dog) Lulu at the drop of the hat...however, um...I would have left my clothes on!!!

Why?

  • it's cold
  • your bare skin will be rubbing on the ice
  • obviously someone with a camera is there
  • and if your a man, well, you might seem a little less "appealing" in the manly area with the cold and all

JUST SAYING!

you HAVE to go over to 3 Boys 1 Mommy, she is the one hooking it up on the WTF-Wednesday

Friday, January 23, 2009

Look Mom a NAKED Man!

I think I was in the First Grade, my sisters went to school that day, but I must have had a teacher’s work day, and got to stay home. My Mother had obviously forgotten that I had no school, and with both my sisters at school, had not babysitter. That day in particular she had a test in one of her Art Classes, and she simply could not miss it.....What to do, what to do.
She packed some snacks, paper dolls, coloring books, a blanket and some toys. She told me that she was taking me to class at the University with her, but I must be very quiet and well behaved. I was so excited! She explained to me that there would be other people in the class, it was a drawing class and very important. She said sometimes they drew fruit or chairs, but today they would have a live person to draw and it was a big part of her grade, again emphasizing that I must be a good girl.
She sits at her easel and sets me up behind her on the blanket. I quickly got to my business of paper dolls and coloring books, looking up when the door opened to see the “model” walk in. He was tall, had dark curly hair and was wearing a white robe. He stood up on a round wood structure, so that the whole class could get a look at him, and draw him. There was a circle of easels with students at each easel looking up at this man, and then there was me, sitting on a blanket. I was staring at him, just like everyone else in the room, and then he took off the robe. There he was in all his glory, naked as the day he was born and there I was staring up at him. I quietly moved closer to my mother, got up on and whispered in her ear “Mommy, that man is naked!” she didn’t even turn around, she simply whispered back to me “No, honey, he’s nude.”
Now you’d think, she would have explained beforehand that I would be seeing my first naked man that day, but maybe she thought I just wouldn’t notice, I will say this in my Mother’s defense, it was the 70’s!
So now you know not only that I AM CRAZY, but girls, I come from a long line of CRAZY….next time,my Granma and her past life as a violin player.