one conversation

Daughter- OK, Mom I'm leaving now...I have to go pick up some stuff at the Superstore.

Mother- OH! I need you to get me something, OK? I need you to buy me some bloomers.

Daughter- Fine Mom, what kind would you like me to get you.

Mother- Oh, you know. Cotton, no frills, big ones, like Grandma under wear.

Daughter- Wow, considering you are a 70 something Grandma, I guess your g-string days are over, huh?

Mother- Oh, not really, just for now.

12 year old grand daughter- AHHHHHHHHHHH! Grandma!

Spread the funny around

My Mom has always been funny, in the way where a person who isn't trying to be funny and doesn't even know they are funny. A side effect of stroke victims is that they lose affect in their voice and emotion in their faces. Which makes for a great comedic straight guy.

Funny stuff my Mom has said this week-

Someone is going to come help me with my nails and plucks those terrible whiskers tomorrow? (ya, Mom, me- I will bring all the stuff tomorrow) Good, because the last thing any woman wants is to be seen with those terrible whiskers, and any woman that doesn't care, well, something is wrong with that one!

I almost kissed one of the boys that works here (male nurses) he looks just like Alex (my son)

to my friend Joe (who was visiting his Mom, quite the coinky-dinky) Are you my friend? No? Good, so you work here. The food is horrible, you need to do something about it.

Apples make me happy, that's why I think they make me eat apple sauce all day long. It works, I'm happy.

You are so pretty (to me) you look just like a girl on the TV ( I turn the TV on) That's her! (the wife from the King of Queens.) I wonder if Oprah would have been on, if she would have said the same thing!

me: Mama, Tita (my sister's nanny) has a daughter in law looking for work, maybe she will come up to Orlando and help Dad and me take care of you.

Ma: OK, sounds good, but we have to find her a boyfriend, when you find them a boyfriend they always stick around.

me: MA! It's Tita's daughter in law, she's married to her son, we can't get her a boyfriend in Orlando.

Ma: Yeah, that would be BAD (and she totally cracks up)

The nurse comes in and when she leaves I ask my Mom what that nurses name is.

Her response- I can't ever remember, they should really tell me their name every time the walk in here- they know it!

me: they know their name? (which was a stupid thing on my part to say, but I am sleep deprived)

Mom: I hope so, because my memory is shot!

I'm reading her the menu for the next day- Mom, due you want the fruit cup or peach cobbler for dessert?

Ma: Fruit Cup, I think it will have less calories.

Me: Mom, eat what you want, you need to gain weight, the said you are too skinny.

Ma: Really? What a blast.(totally flat affect) peach cobbler.

Nurse walk in and asks me to bring her a chain for her glasses, so she won't lose them. As soon as the nurse walks out, Mom says: Your Dad is going to be so happy, he was always telling me to get one of those chains and now when he sees me with it he can say: I TOLD YOU SO!

Crazed Mama moments

I am sure my kids think I say crazy stuff all the time, in fact I am going to ask them to each send me a list of 5 crazy things I say and make that a post.

I am sure I will have a valid explanation for each one.

The reason I am thinking of this, is because the other day I was thinking of all the crazy stuff my mom used to say to me. I am sure in her mind the was a very valid reason to say these things. I think the problem lies within the the fact (I say this because this is why I do it) that we just say stuff to our kids and want them to blindly accept them, seriously, it would never stop if we had to explain every damn thing to them.

So here is a list of the crazy stuff my Mom said to me over the years:

1. You can't have those Precious Moments dolls, why do you want them? They look like they have Downs syndrome. (I was 6)

2. You are too old to get a Cabbage Patch Doll (I was 12)

3. You are too young to go to the movies with your friends alone (I was 12, make up your mind lady)

4. You can't be the great pumpkin for Halloween, how are you going to dance with the boys? (I was 12)

5. You are too young to shave your legs (I was 12)

6. You know what my Mom used to do? She would rub alcohol on her legs and then light it to burn the hairs off, because her mom didn't let her shave her legs, maybe you should try that! (Wait...I can't shave, but I should set myself on FIRE?! I was 12)

7. That bra does nothing for you, you need a serious under wire (HUH?! wire, sound painful! I was 15)

8. How about changing boyfriend less than you change your underwear (I was 16, what! I was popular, had to play the field!)

9. I know we have never had the talk, but... (um, too late now, I was 17)

10. You know, you can't get married in WHITE (the HELL I CAN! I was 18)

House Arrest SUX!

So I have been on house arrest since getting out of the Hospital last Thursday. I used to think people who were given house arrest instead of jail time got off easy. Not anymore. It is the worst thing ever. I am bored beyond belief, I have (with the help of my Mom) cleaned out my closet. Put the winter stuff away in a giant Tupperware in the garage and pulled out the summer stuff and have it all in order. Then we got rid of the giant piles of laundry in the laundry room and put them all away. While doing that we discovered a bushell of clothes behind the dryer and (OK, this is bad) made my mom (who is 5 foot tall and 70 years old) climb behind the dryer and pass it too me. I couldn't for god sakes my stomach looks like swiss cheese! That is were I discovered like 25 pairs of my panties, all the slutty ones....I don't know very strange. I have let her control the TV as a sign of Thanks, which means I have been watching Food Network and Lifetime NON-stop! I have only been out twice...one time to the movies, and once to Target. Where they left me at the door and I got a little cart like those older people...I will never make fun of them again, it is so hard to steer those things and they go super fast!

I can not drive until I am off the pain medication and look behind me on both sides, that's what the Doc says. I am seriously hoping that will be Monday.

On a another note, I have more time to blog and surf the internets and have spent hours showing my Mom pictures of everyone and their mother on Facebook! ha-ha Oh yeah, she is blind as a bat and can never find her glasses, so she keeps wandering out of the bathroom with body lotion going is this shampoo? OR suntan lotion, is this toothpaste? MA! Wear your glasses before I have to call POISON CONTROL!
Oh! And my cel phone died and the I got a new one, but lost all 150 contacts in it! I figure if they didn't call to see if I'm alive, SCREW THEM, their not my friends, just sayin.

Blogging can be dangerous!

Sunday was Mother's day, I called my Mom, I swear I did! It was 6pm, and I thought it was 8pm in their time zone and for sure they would be home, they weren't, no one answered the phone. I remembered to try again at about 9pm, but then I thought it was too late. I called Monday night and my Mom wasn't home. So I chatted with my Dad a little while-

Daddy: Honey, you didn't call your Mom yesterday. She was expecting your call (translation: daddy's Little Girl/favorite/baby of the bunch = SHE IS PISSED!)

FFC: Yeah I did, no one answered, where were you at 8pm?

Daddy: We were home, we only went to the club a little while and then to lunch at your sister's.

FFC: I called and no one answered. Where is Mom out at night, on a Monday?

Daddy: She went to a Women Nobel Prize Winners Conference with her friends.

FFC: Oh, you mean an Angry Lesbians conference ?

ha-ha we both laugh, because that man totally gets my sense of humor. (while my mother-in-law who was at my house at the time just looks at me perplexed)

Daddy: Call her tomorrow, she won't be back until about 11pm tonight, and that will be to late for you.

FFC: No it won't, it's like 9pm, I can call her back.

Daddy: Darling, we are 2 hours behind you, not ahead of you.

FFC: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Daddy: Besides, I don't think she is going to believe you she read your BLOG about HER Birthday!

FFC: uh-oh

And this is the woman who is coming to care for me after my surgery, if I was her I would be doing all sorts of nasty things to me when I was drugged.....maybe she will show the surgeon my post about HIM! oh no! Why do my 75 year old Dad and 70 year old Mom have to be so damn computer SAVVY!

Meet my Mom

Don't leave your laptop at Granmas.

This was sent to me by my middle sister, it is not phisically my Mom, but, it is SO MY MOM.

The day my Dad brought home a baby

I am the youngest of 3 girls. By the time I was 12, I was an only child, as both my sisters had gone off to College in the States and we were living in Guatemala at the time. I saw them twice a year, and I liked it that way. Just our little pod, the 3 of us.

One day my father came home with a baby. No phone call, no discussion, showed up at 6pm with a 9 month old little girl in his hands.

She was filthy, wrapped in rags, stinky, she had lice and red splotches all over her body. I always waited for my Dad to get home and greeted him at the door, He looked at me and said "go get your Mom."

I never really thought about this until today, can you imagine your husband of 27 years walking in the door with some random baby! ha-ha it's almost comical!

A very good friend of my father's, Ginny, had been in town from Washington DC on business, she was in her 40's and divorced. They had a conversation about how she would like to adopt a child, possibly in Guatemala, yada, yada, yada. She got on a plane and left.

The day after my father's driver comments that a local woman in the village he lived had tried to give him her baby. This poor woman, had already had 10 children and 6 of them had died before the age of 2 (infant mortality in Guatemala at that time was higher than even Africa) and she could not even afford to feed the baby and was sure this child would die. The driver, was the local hero, as he had been a contract employee for the American Embassy for years and was doing well for himself. However he had 4 kids of his own and had already take 2 babies in, as they were left on his door step.

Something clicked in my Dad's brain and said, take me to this woman's house. His idea was to make contact, check the situation out and then contact Ginny and see what to do. I remember him telling me this like it was yesterday.

"Honey, I never expected it to be as bad as it was" He said it was horrible, the baby sat on the floor, a dirty floor. There was no running water, they had a ditch with sewage feet from where the children were. There were no beds, no walls, you get the idea. She was sick, she was coughing and thin as a rail. He said when he picked her up she smiled and touched his face. That was it. He spoke with the woman, she trusted him, he was Luis (the driver) boss and friend. They told her they would be back with papers, attorneys, etc.

My Mom and I took the baby, bathed her in the sink, wrapped her in towels and sent my Dad to the market to buy everything you need for a baby. I was 13 for goodness sakes, there was nothing for this child in our home to use! We laughed when he got home, he bought tons of stuff in all sizes.

The next morning my Mom took her to the pediatrician, he said she would have not lasted 2 days, she was so ill.

She lived with us for the 9 months it took to process her paperwork, she moved to DC with Ginny when the adoption was complete.

My Mom never even gave my Dad a sideways glance, let alone said "are you nuts!" I never thought how amazing that was, of both of them, at the time I was happy to have a REAL LIVE DOLL!

I recant!

So, last week I had a post about how I can't LUST for those Jonas Brother's....well, there have been two very big revelations this weekend!

1.) My adorable, but not too bright nephew lost some sort of bet (A BET!) at school and came home on Friday afternoon looking like this:
The BOOB shaved his head...which means he really no longer looks like Joe Jonas, as he was for Thanksgiving! Oh, the joy of having teenagers....

2.) I saw the Grammy's Sunday night, and well, that Jonas boy (Joe) has grown up a little, his arms are looking buff...........so, in other words, I join you filthy old cougars of the world in lusting after that poor boy. What's next: TWILIGHT?! It's already on my damn night table waiting to be read! I am a SHEEP I tell you, a SHEEP! *baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

Totally Akward

So as we have previously established Crazy is often hereditary, and in my case runs on both sides of the family. But my Mom, well, she is special. Special in so many ways...the best part is she has NO CLUE that she is so very special, which almost always makes it hilarious.

One day, we were sitting in a beauty salon reading Cosmo, the type of magazine you would NEVER find in my house. My parents are very much intellectuals, I think my love off reality tv, trash and kitsch is a straight rebellion of their intellectual upbringing of me.

We are sitting there getting our pedis when she blurts out "Boy! I better hurry up!"

My response of course is "HUH?"

Mom: This article says the average woman has sex with 3.4 partners in her lifetime- I'm in my 60's and I have only ever had sex with you Dad!

Now if I told you this was the first or the last time my Mother has tried to have awkward sex conversations with me...well that would be a big fat lie...but then again, it could be worse...I could have actually walked in on them....

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thanks you for embracing our awkwardness...

Look Mom a NAKED Man!

I think I was in the First Grade, my sisters went to school that day, but I must have had a teacher’s work day, and got to stay home. My Mother had obviously forgotten that I had no school, and with both my sisters at school, had not babysitter. That day in particular she had a test in one of her Art Classes, and she simply could not miss it.....What to do, what to do.
She packed some snacks, paper dolls, coloring books, a blanket and some toys. She told me that she was taking me to class at the University with her, but I must be very quiet and well behaved. I was so excited! She explained to me that there would be other people in the class, it was a drawing class and very important. She said sometimes they drew fruit or chairs, but today they would have a live person to draw and it was a big part of her grade, again emphasizing that I must be a good girl.
She sits at her easel and sets me up behind her on the blanket. I quickly got to my business of paper dolls and coloring books, looking up when the door opened to see the “model” walk in. He was tall, had dark curly hair and was wearing a white robe. He stood up on a round wood structure, so that the whole class could get a look at him, and draw him. There was a circle of easels with students at each easel looking up at this man, and then there was me, sitting on a blanket. I was staring at him, just like everyone else in the room, and then he took off the robe. There he was in all his glory, naked as the day he was born and there I was staring up at him. I quietly moved closer to my mother, got up on and whispered in her ear “Mommy, that man is naked!” she didn’t even turn around, she simply whispered back to me “No, honey, he’s nude.”
Now you’d think, she would have explained beforehand that I would be seeing my first naked man that day, but maybe she thought I just wouldn’t notice, I will say this in my Mother’s defense, it was the 70’s!
So now you know not only that I AM CRAZY, but girls, I come from a long line of CRAZY….next time,my Granma and her past life as a violin player.

I'm a "liberated" woman!

All my life I have enjoyed bugging my Mom, mostly by shocking her and being outrageous. This is relatively easy, she was 35 when I was born (not a young mom in the 70's) besides that she grew up in Latin America in those times was like growing up in the 1800's! ha-ha I was married the summer after I graduated high school and had never really thought about NOT changing my name, I simply was too lazy to do so. I had to fill out paperwork, get a new licence, social security and the biggest pain of all, change my passport! By this time my son had been born and my mother came to me one day VERY concerned.

La Mama: Mijita, when are you going to change your name?
La Hija (me): HUH?
La Mama: They are going to think you are a single mother, you don;t have the same last name as your son!
La Hija: Mom! Who is they?
La Mama: The people at daycare, the pediatrician
La Hija: So, Mom, there are worse things than being a single Mother...
La Mama- dead silence, laser beams eyes *sigh* (old school Latin women = no confrontation)

Well, that was it, I was never going to be able to take my husbands name- I will be forever Ms. Former Fat Chic.

The Man gets mail addressed to Mr. Former Fat Chic, he does not like that!

And of course the puppy is Lulu Former Fat Chic! He gets the boys for his name and I get my little Lulu- sounds fair to me!