I have a DREAM

I have a dream- it might sound crazy to you, but to me it is Nirvana, Shangri-la, Kismet, in other words- the SHIZNIT!

I would be a stay at home Mom, to my current kids, 18 & 19.

I would have a cleaning lady, who WOULD do windows, iron and love my dog and her incessant shedding, oh, and she would be at my house ever day, and unlike Brit-Brit's cry baby bodyguard, would NOT freak out if she saw me naked (she would have to restrain herself, 'cause I'm not into that.)

The Hubs would still work, giving me at least 8 hours a day to read, watch TV, nap, chat on the phone and fart around on the internet. I would NOT need to go to the gym, because in this dream- I am basically Sofia Vergara with much less of an accent, but all o' the Latina Flavor.

Oh yeah, I can EAT what ever the HELL I want and look perfect.

My hair is A-MAH-Zing!

My boobs, forget it, no need for a bra, ever- perfection.

Everyone loves me (that is nothing new)

I still live in my regular house, but- I have new bathrooms and a new kitchen.

I would also have a new patio/pool area with a fire pit and a cabana, OK, OK, OK, a cabana/pool boy- but you can make him gay- he's only to look at! OH! He could be an ex masseur! oh, I like that.

Wait! I could drink cocktails all damn day long and it wouldn't be bad for me, oh and I would need some besities to be able to lounge around with me. YES! and a big ole cool car we could drive to lunch in and annoy the crap out of people with our cackling and occasional snorts!

OK, readers, figure out how you can make this happen for and get back to me- chop-chop, I'm counting on you!

I must keep the same HUBS, so no bumping him off in your plan, I happen to like him and I got 20 years of training in that one, a large investment of time, I tell you!

I'm not dead- but almost

I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I disappeared with out a trace and did not even post that I was alive. In the past this has happened when I was having WAY to much fun. Well, not this time.

It all started with pizza and beer on Friday night. Come Saturday at noon, I was not feeling well, worst of all I had to endure the mild rage of: THE HUBS.

OMG- how many times are you going to eat Pizza and get sick?!? I told you not to eat pizza. The next time I see you eating pizza *pow* to the moon! (not exactly, but you get it)

So throwing up Saturday, Sunday, Monday- hmmmm, maybe it wasn't the pizza? No one else is sick in the house?!

More ranting from THE HUBS on Monday night- When are you going to go the the Doctor?! What has to happen to make you call the guy?! You're probably sick because you haven't eating in the days, and your stomach is rebelling! Have some toast and tea, it will settle you stomach.

The man brings me toast and tea, I dutifully eat 1/2 the toast and about 2 ounces of tea. Well, somehow I manage to projectile vomit through my nose and mouth about 10000999 ounces of water 20 minutes later. I almost choked, peed my self a little when my life flashed before my eyes and then started to cry.

This was a BIG mistake, because of course THE HUBS lost his damn mind and wanted to go to the ER. I wanted to shower and go to bed.

At knife point I was forced to call the Doc at 8am the Tuesday morning.

DOC- hmmm, no liquids held down since Saturday am. OK, go to the E.R. I will see you there.

Which ER you ask? The CRAZY seventh day Adventist one, of course! I got there at 9:30 am on Tuesday..

Well, apparently not eating and drinking and throwing up all the time is pretty BAD, because I was admitted, then pumped full of magnesium, potassium, and IV that looked like yellow Gatorade and got GIANT tubes of sugar pumped into my arm.

Here are the FACTS of my stay:

• I didn't get to leave until Friday at 9:30PM
  
• This annoyed my sister greatly since she was kicked out 22 hours after having her kid
• (84 hours!) I could have had 3.8 babies!
• They never figured out what I had-just said a virus
• It took the Doc 48 to actually see me in person in the hospital (that's what I call service!)
  
• I gave the Chaplin the stink eye
• got into an almost fight with a non English speaking volunteer, over what an Atheist is.
  
• lost 10 lbs
  
• watched FOOD Network and HGTV the WHOLE time!
• was bored out my mind

So ladies and gays all these stories and more are coming up, and I am really sorry for being so bad....will you ever forgive? I can;t live with out the $10 a month I make off BlogHer! haha!!!

In other news I have come up for a new nickname for THE HUBS and the bestie's (the Ethel to my Lucy or maybe I am the Ethel to her Lucy?) HUB, from this day forward they will be known as THE MOFO's, how apropo, no?

FAT ME, you can't come back!

So, this picture was taken on 8/31/2001, it was out 11th Wedding Anniversary. On 12/26/2001 I underwent Gastric Lap Band surgery. Next Tuesday that band will be removed, due some crazy ass complications.

Fat Me, you are banished, we (I am sure The HUBS would concur) do NOT want you back. We will wear this bikini NO MATTER what, so if we gain any weight it will be extremely humiliating. Just so you know that is not an idle threat (I will inform you of my July 4th plans so you can avoid that frightful sight!)

That marshmallow white girl on the left is actually my son, Hairy #2.

These picture are WORTH a Thousand Words- FO SHO!

Mumu's R Us- HERE I COME!

I have a confession to make....remember those size 8 jeans I bought the week after Christmas, you know the one's I called my Christmas Miracle....well, they DON'T FIT ANYMORE! Why? Because Former Fat Chick, yeah that's me- well, I gained 10 lbs! 10lbs from Christmas 'till now? I am so confused? How did I loose weight from Halloween through Thanksgiving, through Christmas to New Years?! All I did for that entire time was stuff my face AND drink like an EFFing fish!

Here's the deal, my fatal condition, is all to blame. The first week of May I am going under and they are removing my lap band, which has been helping me loose weight consistently for the last 7 years. It has not been working for quite some time now, hence the weight gain.

Even if I were to seek and alternate surgical procedure, I would have to wait 6 months for my tore up stomach to heal, oh yeah and I would have to have $15,000 to spend on it, since my insurance won't even talk about it with my surgeon.

Apparently, are you siting down? No hard stuff around you, 'cause you surely will fall out your chair...um, I am going to HAVE to DIET & EXERCISE! What the FRENCH! Me....yeah, like that shiz is gonna work...maybe I should start asking for money, like that chick who wants a nice wedding and asks for mula, only I will post my before and after pictures and ask people to donate to help me from becoming a BIG FAT Momma again....I have pictures of my fat ass that will make blind men cringe, I am sure I can devise a plan of extorting money for not tourturing people with the cottage cheeseyness of my former saddle bags.

So, I have started eating healthier, and I having started walking my dog (she doesn't know what the hell is going on, she's pretty annoyed I am pushing her out of bed in the am to walk) I only had 3 drinks the WHOLE weekend, but here is the cornerstone of my plan:

I have always gotten rid of clothing the minute they are a little to big, as not to have any "comfortable fat" clothes. So right now, everything is VERY tight. And I have refused to buy any clothes, however i found this dress on-line, and I am going to buy it!

If I gain 1 more pound I am going to have to wear it and I will wear that damn dress every day until I lose some weight and something else fits me...

Here's the dress, what do you think? Will it work? Wanna send me some money?

This dress is all sort of wrong....if you own the same one, OMG, I am sorry I offended you , but you may need a wardrobe makeover. And if you are the women in the picture, I am sorry they made you wear that dress, and I am sorry I am too stupid and lazy to figure out how to black your head out, further humiliating you.

Lana-sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

Part 2-

I wasn't going to leave you all hanging over the weekend, so here is the exciting conclusion too my bikini wax.

I hop up on the table and she starts making me get in all these yoga positions and telling me, OK, you grab here, hold here. I was literally an active participant of my own torture.

This went on for like what seemed an eternity and every time I was just about to pull the plug and say, NO MORE! I would look up at her and she would give me a big smile and 2 thumbs up! OMG, I had to stifle my laughter every time! It was like looking up at Mr. Miagi with a wig and lipstick and then she would say " You doin good, You doin so good!"Always with a HUGE smile on her face. I am sure I caught her enjoying herself, every time I cringed or writhed in pain.

What did she mean I was doing a good job? What was I doing? Beside not crying out in pain, as to not run off the customers just outside the door. Just then my cell phone, which is on the counter rings and she passes it to me.

I just stare at her. I AM NOT one of those people who are cell phone crazy, you know the ones you can hear chatting while they are using a toilet in a public restroom?

Lana: Go ahead, it's Ok, you tlak on the phone.

And since it seems that I doing EVERYTHING this woman tells me to do today, I answer. Of course it's THE HUBS, I mean really, who else calls me 300 times a day (only the boys, when they need $$$ or a ride.)

Me: Hello

HUBS: WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT HAPPENED?! ARE YOU OK?

Apparently just the HELLO had conveyed that I was in EXTREME pain and distress, he has heard that tone of voice a few times, which are always followed by trips to the ER.

Me: I am getting waxed, and it's hurts like a MOFO!

CLICK

He did not call back. He wants nothing to do with that sort of thing, he only likes to reap the benefits.

She finished the waxing and took to me with tweezers making sure she got every stray! By that time, I was sure I was in shock as I felt nothing.

Well, soon enough it was over, she slapped some talcum power on me and sent me on my way. And that my friend is the story of Lana my new wax lady.

* to answer a few questions (I don't want to be too graphic, what if a creepy guy is reading this, EWW~ or worse if the HUBS sees it, he'll just die!)

• I can not shave, it irritates my skin to no degree, so does waxing, but it goes away within hours
• I don't wax EVERYTHING
• I don't even do the Brazilian
• I do the Tahitian (not as drastic) - look it up, cause I am not making a diagram of my privates.

I do have another waxing story, I will post it soon, but it doesn't involve me....it's about a place called THE DUNGEON in South Beach- Toddles chicas-

Fuco Diet? Total Nympho?

I got this in my junk mail folder today. Maybe it's because I STILL have the effing FLU, or because I haven't slept well in ages, it just cracked me up!

The FUCO diet? Why would I pay for that, when I could do it for free at home, I have a willing husband!

With the Power of Fucoxanthin (hmmm, sounds like fucks and thin) try it and lose as much weight as you possibly can...how much would that be?

Which reminds me of a conversation with the Man...

Man: What happened to you?

Me: Huh?

Man: You used to be a total Nympho

Me: What? when, I was never...

Man: Yeah...OK, I was just thinking about how cool it would be if you were.

Me: keep hope alive