Tourists, Dunkin Donuts and little kids

I LOVE Dunking Donuts

I like kids

I tolerate tourists

I get a healthy dose of these three things every Friday. I live in Orlando and every Friday on my way to work I stop and buy donuts for the whole office. Why? Because I am the boss and I want everyone to LOVE me.

Anyway....the DD I go to is at the main entrance to Downtown Disney and all the Disney Parks, it is on my way to the office, but during the summer it is always jam packed of tourists just waiting for the parks to open.

The line is always insane, but the DD employees are super fast and efficient, except for when this happens:

Woman and a million kids have been standing in line for 20 minutes starring in to space, they finally get up to the front of the line and are asked for their order, at that moment the woman proceeds to ask each child what kind of donut they would like. Some of these kids don't even have verbal skills yet. DD has like 300 different kinds of donuts, she make the employee point at every single one until the kid grunts what the Mom assumes is a yes. The other gaggle of kids flip flop from chocolate with sprinkles, to strawberry to vanilla no sprinkles, 3 million times. REALLY?!?! There are 50 people in line behind you OCTOMOM (where the HELL did you get all those kids?) I am one of those people and I haven't had any coffee this morning, I am late to work and last night I had a Networking event where I had 3 glow in the dark martinis that were good at the time, but must have been made with Florida moonshine because MY HEAD is killing me, oh, and did I mention I am late to work and I am the Boss and that looks BAD, specially when you wrote up an employee last week for being consistently tardy to work?!?!!!!!!!!!

Don't give your kids choices! Just buy a dozen donuts and hand them over, THEY ARE DONUTS, they are ALL good! If you insist on giving your 2 year old choices, then do the sane thing: You want vanilla or chocolate, pick one. OK?!

Also...when you are in that Giant SUV that holds your million kids and get 3 miles a gallon on I-4 and realize you are all the way over in the left lane and the exit to Magic Kingdom is in 25 feet in on the right...DO NOT cross 5 lanes in 3 seconds, we are driving at 70 miles an hour and I am in a mini for fucks sake and your TANK could KILL me!

This has been a public service announcement from the sane people of Orlando. We love you and your money. Thank you and have a nice day.

See you in Hell!

You know how I am always saying I am probably going straight to HELL...

The moment I saw these 2 kids, I knew we would meet up there...who knows it could even be FUN, except for the heat, thrashings, torture, etc,etc, etc.....

See you there!

Fur Babies vs. Sons

Too late to bitch now, since we have 3 boys living at home, but this is why you should consider sticking to pets vs. children.

1. You will never walk in on your dog having sex with it's girlfriend.
2. You will never catch your dog trying to get his older brother to buy beer for him and his buddies.
3. You will never get a call from a neighbor when your out of town saying there is a "funny" smell coming from your garage, cause your dog is in there with some other dogs smoking something that smells "funny."
4. Also get a call from the same neighbors because there are 15 cars in front of your house while you are out of town and people making out on the hood of a car in your driveway.
5. Your dog will never ask you repeatedly for years over and over to get a tattoo or piercing in their ears, eyebrows, lips, noses or tongues (dogs are not that stupid) or something called gages, which in turn allows you to let them run around with hair as long as Lady Godiva as a freaking compromise!
6. You will never catch two of your dogs sneaking out of the house on the same night.
7. You will never go to wash your dogs blanket and find a condom wrapper.
8. Your dog will never bark at you "you're crazy, you overreact about everything!"
9. You dog will never have 2 other dogs over and drink a case of beer and just assume you wouldn't even notice.
10. You will never have to give the sex talk to your dog, you just get the fucker spayed or neutered.

on the other hand...

1. Your kids will never chew up you favorite pink suede pumps
2. Your kids will never steal your panties form the dirty clothes and eat them (I hope)
3. Your kids won't pee and poo on your rug (mine did, potty training gone bad)
4. You don't need to follow them with a Popper scooper their whole life (once they are potty trained)
5. Your kids won't lick their own private parts (mostly because they can't reach)
6. Your kids kids won't sniff your girlfriends crotch every time she comes over (unless she's a MILF)
7. Your kids won't bite anyone (if they do they rarely break skin)
8. Your kids won't get loose and chase a neighbor barking down the street
9. If your kids ever knock someone up at least it won't be a litter of 8 (unless they are dating Octomom)
10. You kid will never get the runns when you are not home and poo all over your bed, the walls and the carpet, oh yeah and then throw up on half your shoes.

DON'T FORGET TO GET IN ON MY GIVEAWAY!!! It's freaking AWESOME!

Worth a Thousand Words

I turned 37 last month....that's the bad news....The good news is I got to eat my favorite take out, got a delish chessecake, and lots 'o presents form my boys. Crazy that they are all taller than me, it seems like yesterday I was pulling off the turnpike, busting up a brawl in the back seat and spanking everyone on the side of the rode...wait, that was yesterday! Oh, the joys of boys....

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Should I just move to Hell now?

After the lovely news of my FATAL condition, I spent the next week being bounced from doctor to doctor, and in and out of the Hospital, worst of all I became the pawn of two feuding nurses. Now, I usually don't mind staying at the Hospital, but this time was a little different.

I arrived at the ER (not because I wanted to but because the Dr. said I HAD to and was in total cahoot's with the Hubs) at 12:30 pm, I had not eaten since breakfast at 8am, they did not run The first test until 7:30pm. No food, no water, not even ice! Have you ever had a CT Scan? They give you an IV and shoot some liquid in it and then stick you in the cylinder and apparently it activates the liquid so they can see what's going on. Well, the liquid that is running thru your veins get very, very HOT, first your arm, then you head and then...your crotch! It feel like you are on fire, I have decided that if this is what Menopause feels like...well, I may go the Suzanne Sommers route and take 400 pills a day and shoot up my va-jay-jay!

At 9:30 pm, they decide to hold me over night for observation, 13 hours no food, no water. At 11:30 I get a room, and a nurse comes to take all my data, this is where things get weird....

Nurse: On a scale of 1 to 4, how much of a role in your recuperation would you say your faith will have?

Me: wha? I have an eroded lap band, that is eating it's way into my stomach, I am not sure, um...0.

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol

Me: *mmmmm* yes

Nurse: How often?

Me: about 3 drinks a week (I am so proud, cause I think this is almost NOTHING!)

Nurse: when was the last time you drank?

Me: last Friday night, I had Saki with Sushi *droooool*

Nurse: Do you do any other drugs?

Me: Just he ones you are giving me right now in this here IV *smile*

Nurse: dead silence and stare - How are you feeling?

Me: well, my head hurts, I am dizzy, I am nauseous, and my stomach hurts...but I am sure if you let me eat, all that will get MUCH better

Nurse: NO

They had to give me more "Drugs" to make me sleep because I was so damn hungry!

At 8:30 am, 24 hours no food or water....the doctor comes by says I can go home...bland diet, nothing spicy, nothing bulky, take it easy to start with.

8:45am- a random woman comes by (does she have food? NO) and wants to pray. Of course I'm bored and almost ask her if she knows any prayers form the Koran? I don't, I just say No, Thank you, like 5 times and she leaves.

9:30am- The nurses won't give me FOOD or water, and they won't let me go home because my potassium is low and they need to give me a full IV and test it before I leave.

10:30- That nutty nurse finally gives me an apple sauce, one baby food size of apple sauce....and 6 ounces of water. 27 hours no food and water and they give me 2 oz of apple sauce?!? WTF!

2:30 The IV is finished, I have had 3 apple sauces (which were the worst apple sauce on the planet) I have taken a shower and am ready to go HOME (just waiting on the discharge papers) I am in a towel a tiny one, when a woman saying she is the Chaplin comes in my room. Awkward...she wants to pray, I - No Thank you I am going home!

This went on for about 5 minutes, asking me to pray, asking me what Church I go to (to which I almost said the Wicca one down the street, ever been?) but of course I didn't, because I will probably have surgery at this Hospital and what if they thought I was not joking!

I was tired, hungry, sore, desperate to go home, with no resolution whatsoever to my medical problem and dripping wet in a towel, with some hairy ass legs (I didn't know I was going to hospital, I would have shaved!)

I don't like being pried about my faith, or lack of, I don't like being pressured or feeling uncomfortable, on Monday I found out that the Hospital is Seventh Day Adventist, I know nothing about this religion, except that they were pushy at this particular Hospital. The HUBS says for sure it was because it was Saturday? whatever...

He picked me up and 31 hours no food or water- we went straight to, guess where....HOOTERS hahaha- for real, I at a whole pound of steamed crab legs, no seasoning...it's BLAND. I felt so much better, I almost wanted to go back and pray with that lady...Thank God for Hooters...I did have to restrain myself when lady behind me ordered wings, I practically leaned over and licked the greasy hot sauce right off her empty plate- what?! I could have said the Devil made me do it!

Look Mom a NAKED Man!

I think I was in the First Grade, my sisters went to school that day, but I must have had a teacher’s work day, and got to stay home. My Mother had obviously forgotten that I had no school, and with both my sisters at school, had not babysitter. That day in particular she had a test in one of her Art Classes, and she simply could not miss it.....What to do, what to do.
She packed some snacks, paper dolls, coloring books, a blanket and some toys. She told me that she was taking me to class at the University with her, but I must be very quiet and well behaved. I was so excited! She explained to me that there would be other people in the class, it was a drawing class and very important. She said sometimes they drew fruit or chairs, but today they would have a live person to draw and it was a big part of her grade, again emphasizing that I must be a good girl.
She sits at her easel and sets me up behind her on the blanket. I quickly got to my business of paper dolls and coloring books, looking up when the door opened to see the “model” walk in. He was tall, had dark curly hair and was wearing a white robe. He stood up on a round wood structure, so that the whole class could get a look at him, and draw him. There was a circle of easels with students at each easel looking up at this man, and then there was me, sitting on a blanket. I was staring at him, just like everyone else in the room, and then he took off the robe. There he was in all his glory, naked as the day he was born and there I was staring up at him. I quietly moved closer to my mother, got up on and whispered in her ear “Mommy, that man is naked!” she didn’t even turn around, she simply whispered back to me “No, honey, he’s nude.”
Now you’d think, she would have explained beforehand that I would be seeing my first naked man that day, but maybe she thought I just wouldn’t notice, I will say this in my Mother’s defense, it was the 70’s!
So now you know not only that I AM CRAZY, but girls, I come from a long line of CRAZY….next time,my Granma and her past life as a violin player.

Mama has a FAT ASS!

No, these are not my children, but believe you me....if they would have know how to read and write, they would have done this! And if my husband would have ever thought I would not hunt him down and beat him down, he would have put them up to it.

Here are small indications that my kids were the anti-Christ and or demon's, these are days that document their evilness.

• They day they learned to kick each other in the balls, was the best day of their lives, and from that moment on, all arguments ended up in a kick in the nuts.
• They day my sister's then boyfriend, now husband came to the pool and my kid yelled "You look just like Austin Powers!" He has a hairy chest...
• The day the oldest taught the youngest to "moon", thereafter mostly done when Grandma had company over, this to them never got old!

This one could have landed me in jail and it would have been all their fault!

They stole a camera unbeknown to me, then one day I go to pick up my pictures at the Eckerd's and when I start looking though them I find the following:

Lovely pictures of a picnic, my family, my friend's baby, Holdays and then WTF!?

picture #1- the boys in the guest bathroom

picture #2 - pants around shoes on the floor (uh-oh)

picture #3- bare butt checks

picture #4- the face of one them cracking up

picture #5- butt crack (who knows of who?)

picture #6- full on butt hole

Can you imagine! oh my Lord! Really, what did the person at photo-mat think???