Showing posts with label sick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sick. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Baby of the Family

The school secretary stood at the door whispering to my teacher, there were a few words exchanged and some nods. I was told to collect all my things; I was going home for the day. As I walked down the hall with this grown up I hardly knew, there was silence, I was too afraid to ask what was going on. My assumption was I was in trouble, but as the consummate bad seed and ring leader, there was a myriad of deeds left undiscovered for which I could be in trouble for. I knew enough to keep my mouth shut.

When she saw I was not going to ask any questions, she simply stated: A driver has been sent to take you home; your sister will be going with you. I walked to the bottom of the hill where the car would be, just outside the gates of the school. My sister and her best friend were both there waiting for the car. They were in the 9th grade and infinitely cooler than anyone I knew. My sister’s book bag was on the floor between her blue Nike tennis shoes, and her friends arm was wrapped around her shoulder. Their heads were resting on each other and when I came near and they turned towards me, their eyes were red and damp; they had been crying. I knew it was really bad, and perhaps I was not in trouble at all. Only my sister and I got in the car, her friend stayed behind and waved to us as we disappeared down the steep hill, the only thing my sister said was that Mom and Dad would talk to me when we got home. I don’t remember much else, only my parents sitting all three of us down on their bed and telling us Mom had a brain tumor. They did not know if it was benign or malignant or if they could remove it, blah,blah blah…a whole bunch of stuff that went over a kid who was still in Elementary school’s head. They were leaving to New York tomorrow, relatives would be taking turns coming to stay with us, and Mom’s friends would keep an eye on us. They had no idea how long they would be gone.

Of course, my Mother needed to get her hair done that afternoon because she was going to ride an airplane the next day (I know, insane.) She let me tag along to the Salon, I sat on the chair next to her while they cut, set, dried, teased and combed out her hair. During that whole time she talked non-stop to her hair dresser, as he lovingly listened, and that’s how I learned to the whole story of my mother’s tumor. He wore tight jeans and Italian loafers with no socks, his hair was shoulder length and look so soft, it would bounce when he would nod his head in agreement with my Mother, I knew if I inhaled while he did this, I might get a whiff of his hair. I felt like an intruder in an intimate ritual my mother was having with her gay hair dresser. I tried hard to sit still and be quite, lest they remember I was sitting there and banish me to the lobby with the HOLA (Spain’s Hello) Magazines that were yellowed with age and spoke of European royalty that were non-existent in my life.

Both my sister’s were in high school and I was sure they were given a lot more information than I was and as the baby of the family you get used to being “protected” from certain truths. A common complaint amount the youngest children in a family. The other day I was thinking of this and had the sudden realization that perhaps my Mother understood that I needed to know what was going on with her and this was her roundabout way of letting me in on the big secrets of her sickness.

to be continued....the poor Granma's who had to stay with us, menopause should NOT feel like a brain tumor and how I learned to drive at 11.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm not dead- but almost

I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I disappeared with out a trace and did not even post that I was alive. In the past this has happened when I was having WAY to much fun. Well, not this time.

It all started with pizza and beer on Friday night. Come Saturday at noon, I was not feeling well, worst of all I had to endure the mild rage of: THE HUBS.

OMG- how many times are you going to eat Pizza and get sick?!? I told you not to eat pizza. The next time I see you eating pizza *pow* to the moon! (not exactly, but you get it)

So throwing up Saturday, Sunday, Monday- hmmmm, maybe it wasn't the pizza? No one else is sick in the house?!

More ranting from THE HUBS on Monday night- When are you going to go the the Doctor?! What has to happen to make you call the guy?! You're probably sick because you haven't eating in the days, and your stomach is rebelling! Have some toast and tea, it will settle you stomach.

The man brings me toast and tea, I dutifully eat 1/2 the toast and about 2 ounces of tea. Well, somehow I manage to projectile vomit through my nose and mouth about 10000999 ounces of water 20 minutes later. I almost choked, peed my self a little when my life flashed before my eyes and then started to cry.

This was a BIG mistake, because of course THE HUBS lost his damn mind and wanted to go to the ER. I wanted to shower and go to bed.

At knife point I was forced to call the Doc at 8am the Tuesday morning.

DOC- hmmm, no liquids held down since Saturday am. OK, go to the E.R. I will see you there.

Which ER you ask? The CRAZY seventh day Adventist one, of course! I got there at 9:30 am on Tuesday..

Well, apparently not eating and drinking and throwing up all the time is pretty BAD, because I was admitted, then pumped full of magnesium, potassium, and IV that looked like yellow Gatorade and got GIANT tubes of sugar pumped into my arm.

Here are the FACTS of my stay:
  • I didn't get to leave until Friday at 9:30PM
  • This annoyed my sister greatly since she was kicked out 22 hours after having her kid
  • (84 hours!) I could have had 3.8 babies!
  • They never figured out what I had-just said a virus
  • It took the Doc 48 to actually see me in person in the hospital (that's what I call service!)
  • I gave the Chaplin the stink eye
  • got into an almost fight with a non English speaking volunteer, over what an Atheist is.
  • lost 10 lbs
  • watched FOOD Network and HGTV the WHOLE time!
  • was bored out my mind
So ladies and gays all these stories and more are coming up, and I am really sorry for being so bad....will you ever forgive? I can;t live with out the $10 a month I make off BlogHer! haha!!!

In other news I have come up for a new nickname for THE HUBS and the bestie's (the Ethel to my Lucy or maybe I am the Ethel to her Lucy?) HUB, from this day forward they will be known as THE MOFO's, how apropo, no?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Black Hairy Tounge?

My poor assistant has had a horrible rash since I was in Colorado. She has been to 2 docs and is taking all sorts of stuff. Today they gave her some new SUPER strong medicine. She is sitting at her desk reading me the side affects:


headache

stomach cramps

diarrhea

dry mouth

mouth sores

black hairy tongue


WHAT!?! I start choking on my green tea as it drips out my nose, chucking, she has to be making this up. She is a drama queen, like me.


she repeats: Black Hairy Tongue


I am laughing my ass off and this point.


We look it up on the Internet, its for real.


Wikipedia:Black hairy tongue refers to a number of conditions of humans and animals that cause the tongue to become unusually dark and/or hairy in appearance.

Black hairy tongue in humans is a harmless condition caused by a fungus which grows on the top surface of the tongue. It is associated with the elderly, as well as with antibiotic use. It is more commonly seen in tobacco smokers. While black is the most common color associated with the condition other colors are also possible.


Not for the squeamish...here is a picture:





We have decide that if this ever happens to us, we have a suicide pact. Just in case, you know.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Should I just move to Hell now?

After the lovely news of my FATAL condition, I spent the next week being bounced from doctor to doctor, and in and out of the Hospital, worst of all I became the pawn of two feuding nurses. Now, I usually don't mind staying at the Hospital, but this time was a little different.
I arrived at the ER (not because I wanted to but because the Dr. said I HAD to and was in total cahoot's with the Hubs) at 12:30 pm, I had not eaten since breakfast at 8am, they did not run The first test until 7:30pm. No food, no water, not even ice! Have you ever had a CT Scan? They give you an IV and shoot some liquid in it and then stick you in the cylinder and apparently it activates the liquid so they can see what's going on. Well, the liquid that is running thru your veins get very, very HOT, first your arm, then you head and then...your crotch! It feel like you are on fire, I have decided that if this is what Menopause feels like...well, I may go the Suzanne Sommers route and take 400 pills a day and shoot up my va-jay-jay!
At 9:30 pm, they decide to hold me over night for observation, 13 hours no food, no water. At 11:30 I get a room, and a nurse comes to take all my data, this is where things get weird....
Nurse: On a scale of 1 to 4, how much of a role in your recuperation would you say your faith will have?
Me: wha? I have an eroded lap band, that is eating it's way into my stomach, I am not sure, um...0.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol
Me: *mmmmm* yes
Nurse: How often?
Me: about 3 drinks a week (I am so proud, cause I think this is almost NOTHING!)
Nurse: when was the last time you drank?
Me: last Friday night, I had Saki with Sushi *droooool*
Nurse: Do you do any other drugs?
Me: Just he ones you are giving me right now in this here IV *smile*
Nurse: dead silence and stare - How are you feeling?
Me: well, my head hurts, I am dizzy, I am nauseous, and my stomach hurts...but I am sure if you let me eat, all that will get MUCH better
Nurse: NO
They had to give me more "Drugs" to make me sleep because I was so damn hungry!
At 8:30 am, 24 hours no food or water....the doctor comes by says I can go home...bland diet, nothing spicy, nothing bulky, take it easy to start with.
8:45am- a random woman comes by (does she have food? NO) and wants to pray. Of course I'm bored and almost ask her if she knows any prayers form the Koran? I don't, I just say No, Thank you, like 5 times and she leaves.
9:30am- The nurses won't give me FOOD or water, and they won't let me go home because my potassium is low and they need to give me a full IV and test it before I leave.
10:30- That nutty nurse finally gives me an apple sauce, one baby food size of apple sauce....and 6 ounces of water. 27 hours no food and water and they give me 2 oz of apple sauce?!? WTF!
2:30 The IV is finished, I have had 3 apple sauces (which were the worst apple sauce on the planet) I have taken a shower and am ready to go HOME (just waiting on the discharge papers) I am in a towel a tiny one, when a woman saying she is the Chaplin comes in my room. Awkward...she wants to pray, I - No Thank you I am going home!
This went on for about 5 minutes, asking me to pray, asking me what Church I go to (to which I almost said the Wicca one down the street, ever been?) but of course I didn't, because I will probably have surgery at this Hospital and what if they thought I was not joking!
I was tired, hungry, sore, desperate to go home, with no resolution whatsoever to my medical problem and dripping wet in a towel, with some hairy ass legs (I didn't know I was going to hospital, I would have shaved!)
I don't like being pried about my faith, or lack of, I don't like being pressured or feeling uncomfortable, on Monday I found out that the Hospital is Seventh Day Adventist, I know nothing about this religion, except that they were pushy at this particular Hospital. The HUBS says for sure it was because it was Saturday? whatever...
He picked me up and 31 hours no food or water- we went straight to, guess where....HOOTERS hahaha- for real, I at a whole pound of steamed crab legs, no seasoning...it's BLAND. I felt so much better, I almost wanted to go back and pray with that lady...Thank God for Hooters...I did have to restrain myself when lady behind me ordered wings, I practically leaned over and licked the greasy hot sauce right off her empty plate- what?! I could have said the Devil made me do it!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Still Sick-pesky FLU!

BTW, I am still sick! Last night my whole body ached and I got up at 12:28 to take some things to knock me out, but it took forever to kick in, I was freezing and tossing and turning in bed. At 1:00 am, I got kicked out of bed by the Man, I was already on my way to the sofa anyway.

Does anyone know if there is some sort of competitive sport that involves either excessively loud open mouth breathing or extremely heavy nose breathing? Is there any money in this? God Damn it, I am living with a Champion!