150- Celebration = Q & A- Fat Chick Style

Oh yeah, by the way, I will no longer call myself Former Fat Chick until I can fit my FAT ASS in to those DAMN jeans...hmmmm, angry much?

Today I am celebrating 150 followers! Yeah-hoo-ah! I have a total of 150 followers! I can't believe it!

So in celebration I have decided to respond to some of your unanswered questions, mostly they have been unanswered because I have been lazy, fat and lazy, lovely qualities...

From news to oldest:


Was the lap band worth it?

HELL TO THE YEAH! Only 2% of people end up like me (with that piece of shit band inside your stomach)


But it could have been fatal?

I am alive and still weigh 90lbs less, if I had died, I would have been a very happy size 10 dead lady. At a size 22 I was unhappy and just as close to death. Unless you have been at least 100lbs overweight (not 10 you skinny ho) you are NOT allowed to judge me. If you are 100lbs overweight and you say you are HAPPY, sorry, you are a liar.



What is a Tahitian Wax?
EX: bikini wax is only the hair that lies directly on the edge of the panty line, tahitian makes the hair look like a little triangle, compared to a little piece of pie, and the brazilian has a landing strip--the playboy is all the hair is gone!



Are you really 21?

Only in my mind...I was actually born in 1972, I am 37, and contrary to popular belief I was not 3 when I had my first Hairy, I was 19.



Do you ever by new shoes and when he sees you wear them for the first time say, But I've had these for like, three years!
No, I buy 2 at a time. I then I tell him I bought them at Payless and it was BOGO! ha-ha I mean really, what the hell does he know!

That's it for now...anymore questions?

Mumu's R Us- HERE I COME!

I have a confession to make....remember those size 8 jeans I bought the week after Christmas, you know the one's I called my Christmas Miracle....well, they DON'T FIT ANYMORE! Why? Because Former Fat Chick, yeah that's me- well, I gained 10 lbs! 10lbs from Christmas 'till now? I am so confused? How did I loose weight from Halloween through Thanksgiving, through Christmas to New Years?! All I did for that entire time was stuff my face AND drink like an EFFing fish!

Here's the deal, my fatal condition, is all to blame. The first week of May I am going under and they are removing my lap band, which has been helping me loose weight consistently for the last 7 years. It has not been working for quite some time now, hence the weight gain.

Even if I were to seek and alternate surgical procedure, I would have to wait 6 months for my tore up stomach to heal, oh yeah and I would have to have $15,000 to spend on it, since my insurance won't even talk about it with my surgeon.

Apparently, are you siting down? No hard stuff around you, 'cause you surely will fall out your chair...um, I am going to HAVE to DIET & EXERCISE! What the FRENCH! Me....yeah, like that shiz is gonna work...maybe I should start asking for money, like that chick who wants a nice wedding and asks for mula, only I will post my before and after pictures and ask people to donate to help me from becoming a BIG FAT Momma again....I have pictures of my fat ass that will make blind men cringe, I am sure I can devise a plan of extorting money for not tourturing people with the cottage cheeseyness of my former saddle bags.

So, I have started eating healthier, and I having started walking my dog (she doesn't know what the hell is going on, she's pretty annoyed I am pushing her out of bed in the am to walk) I only had 3 drinks the WHOLE weekend, but here is the cornerstone of my plan:

I have always gotten rid of clothing the minute they are a little to big, as not to have any "comfortable fat" clothes. So right now, everything is VERY tight. And I have refused to buy any clothes, however i found this dress on-line, and I am going to buy it!

If I gain 1 more pound I am going to have to wear it and I will wear that damn dress every day until I lose some weight and something else fits me...

Here's the dress, what do you think? Will it work? Wanna send me some money?

This dress is all sort of wrong....if you own the same one, OMG, I am sorry I offended you , but you may need a wardrobe makeover. And if you are the women in the picture, I am sorry they made you wear that dress, and I am sorry I am too stupid and lazy to figure out how to black your head out, further humiliating you.

How did you find me?!?

Google KeyWords that get you to my BLOG-

mom is naked -yeah, when you’re not home
crazy mom – yes? How can I help you?
fat girl poop – everyone poops, have you not seen that book?
iris chacon daughter – That would be me!
mom naked – once again, as soon as you guys leave
a look at a naked girl – just a peek!
barney is fat – he’s a fictional character, get over it!
boob optical illusion – they are called “Wonder Bra’s”
draws of a girl nuked – I hope that is a TYPO!
dress up the fat girl – is this a video game?
fat chick with hugeboobs - one of the few advantages to being overweight!
fat girl and bj – I’m married, I do NOT have to do that anymore.
fat girl spank man – how much you going to pay me?
fat girls trying to poop – WHY?!
fat woman doing poo on the street – NO! WHY?
good names for fat girl dogs – they can’t have regular dog names?
hooters + valentines day – every year
hooters i love – yes, I DO!
hooters valentines day – it’s OK, I to understand your love of Hooters!
inside sex inside – hmmmm, not sure about this one.
my sister makes me smell her finger – call child services
pervy girl – I know, I know, but I can’t help it!
poop your fat – please tell me how!
spanking – they always deserved it!
i love big butts –Thank you, your love is much appreciated!

I found the KEY!

OK, so it only took me 18.5 years....but I found the key to make my husband do ANYTHING! *wooo-hooo*

Right now, he is out buying me ice cream, he already did a load of laundry (who even freaking knew he knew how to use the washer) he has folded all his clothes, and mine and put them away, and he went to return the movie rental to Blockbuster! OMG, I am not sure it is actually my hubs, it could be an imposter! OK, here is the secret, you must get a Doctor to tell him this " If left untreated, this condition could become fatal"

The poor man, yes, yes, I know, it's even mean of me to make fun of him. But seriously, if I didn't need him to drive me home after the endoscopy, I would have never relayed the information in that manner. It would have been more like: some stuff got screwed up with the lap-band, they have to go in and fix it. But since they put you under for when the shove the camera down your throat, you need a driver. Hence, many less house duties for me and much more ice cream! On the shit side of that coin, I have to have surgery ASAP... blah...and not to be superficial or anything, because HEALTH come first, blah, blah, blah....I could go back here FATSVILLE. *waaaaaaaaaa*

Before and After

I have always been obsessed with before and after pictures...if my life was a novel this would be called: foreshadow. On the left is a picture of me on my 12th wedding anniversary, 8/31/2002, I'm the one in pink, and NO I was not pregnant! To the right is a picture taken of me on 5/25/2008, the skinny chick in the white t-shirt is actually my son Stevie who refuses to cut his hair. I'm the hot one in the bikini...yes BIKINI! How did I get there? By there I mean 250lbs....hmmm.....unhappiness, lots of pie, two kids in 3 years, lots of burgers, insecurity, plenty of milkshakes, loneliness, boxes of doughnuts, yo-yo dieting, pizza and sodas galore, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutri System, Cabbage Diet, Atkins, LA Weight Loss, diet pills, everything was a disaster. Mostly a refusal to accept any sort of responsibility for my own happiness and or grief...of course, you can not mention this to my husband, because as far as he knows he is responsible for all my woes, and this works out great for me, guilt is mighty powerful! ha-ha, no really, thanks to counseling and the amazing gastric lap band, I have lost 100lbs in 6 years, it came off little by little and I went from a size 22 to a size 8. I DO NOT exercise, mostly because it's yucky, and I don't sweat, so I am truly afraid I could explode. Things were pretty saggy after a while, so I must admit that I had nips and tucks, some lifts and a lot of suck...ha-ha, plastic surgery is fun and funny! I am having the time of my life, making new friends and wearing a bikini for the first time in my life, I hope to share my misadventures with you guys and make even more friends. At 36 my new motto is: it's my time bitches~ watch yourselves! ha-ha My husband just rolls his eyes when I say this, he is an expert eye roller, what is he a 13 year old girl?