18 & Life to go...

This has been a crazy busy week for me...

Work

Kids

House

Husband

Dog

add to that acquiring the new bike, PLUS, my oldest some Alex turned 18!

Well, we had to throw a BIG OLE PARTY! He just wanted some pizza and cake for a couple of friends....OH NO, said the MAMA, that just won't do! I birthed you, you have survived to 18, we must celebrate!

So, of course, I planned a big party behind his back, with the help of his girlfriend.

We had MEXICAN FIESTA! And I must say it was awesome! Here are the pics to prove it!

The girlfriend, Alex & Frida

The PASTEL- arriba!

The boy and his MAMACITA!The Friend with the 'stash and the cheapest Mariachis I could find!

It was between a Fiesta Theme or Sponge Bob....

All week we played a game of all the things he could do legally now that he is 18...and some stuff he can get in trouble for:

buy a lottery ticket

buy porn

drink in Canada

go to a strip club

join the Army

Vote!

Sign legal documents

Go to jail (not juvi)

buy cigarettes

get a tattoo

get a piercing

be drafted

get married

This is all we could come up with...any additions?

My husband thinks I'm 5'2.....

My husband has put up one of his motorcycles up for sale...no, not because he wants more room in the garage, (remember he decided to clean it out a while back) not because he has found better use for his money...of course not, he has found a NEW bike.

We have been going back and forth and he found the one he wants, scored a great deal and we are going up to Georgia this weekend to get it.

The bike is a "custom" bike and is designed to seat only one person, however there are foot pegs, so we asked the owner about adding a second seat.

This was his answer: " The bike can accommodate a second passenger, you just need to add a suction seat. However it was designed to accommodate my wife. She is 5"2 and weighs 110lbs."

My husband happily skips in the room and announces: SEE! You can ride the bike!

Me- WHAT?!

HUBS: Yeah, you're about 5'2

Me- NO, I am over 5'6 and I weigh 150lbs!

This is all very good news to me, it means while he is out riding his new bitch, I mean bike, I get some ME TIME!

Time to go to the salon
Time to read a good book
Time to nap
Time to watch trashy TV

Yes, money well spent on a new bike....

Just Yesterday- twice!

Just yesterday, I flashed two old men sitting in my office. I truly thought those awkward days were left in my late teens.

It all started early in the morning when it was 50 degrees outside, I mean really, I laid out at the pool on Saturday and come Monday it was cold again!

The chilly weather prompted me to wear a black a-line mini skirt jumper with a magenta knit mock turtle neck. The jumper is rather short, but was fine as I pulled on a pair of black tights and some black ballet mary jane's. It really is a super cute outfit.

Two older gentleman were sitting in the guest chairs in front of my desk, as we went over a contact that they were signing. They signed, I signed, they gave me a check, I got up to walk across my office and make copies for them.

Well, I have a big leather chair and apparently sliding around in it caused it to cover my big ass in static cling. When I stood up and turned away from them to go to the copier, my dress was stuck mid way around my waist. It took me about four steps to realize and pull it down. Of course I pretended like nothing had happened, but as soon as those two men left I RAN to the bathroom to see just how bad the flash had been.

I checked the stalls they were empty, I back up to see myself in the mirror and pull up my dress to get a look at just how much of a show I had given them. You know how black tights are so DARK by your feet, but then when the fabric is stretched to it's capacity it is very light and see through?

Yeah....they got a good look at my BIG round SUPER white butt under those tights...and I am sorry to say there were no granny panties involved in this incident....just then the bathroom door opens! AHHHHH! I flashed 3 people in one day! Thank Blog it was my assistant and well, the poor thing just doesn't even ask questions anymore. Any theories on the exhibitionist in me?

And as always thanks to TOVA for helping us share!

Blog Girl gone wild

My FAV Scary Mommy (Jill) has gone BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S.....she is giving away a pair of Diamond earring, you heard right DIAMOND (not Diamels)

Here they are.....aren't the loverly?!

Just click here and sign up for your chance to WIN!



Can you imagine you can get a pair of Diamond earrings and you didn't even have to SLEEP with someone! The novelty!

The HUBS

We all complain about our significant others all the time, well, I know I do. But when I think about all the reasons I love the MAN, I try not to think of the obvious ones:

He's a good father

He's a good husband

He 's a good provider

etc, etc, etc

I like to think of the little things, the ones that truly make him endearing to me.

If the man ever knew I was sharing this he would probably KILL me in my sleep.

I love to read, and one of my favorite authors is Amy Tan. Years back, I got him to read on of her books and he liked it! Soon he was reading all of my Amy Tan books. One day as we were laying around in the back patio, I had finished my book and he was still reading Amy Tan, he offered to read out loud to me.

HUBS has a thick accent (he did not learn to speak English 'till he was in his late teens) so he is very self conscious and did this more as an exercise to improve his pronunciation.

So he starts reading and then he starts doing different voices for the different characters in the book. If you have never read Amy Tan, they are all woman, most very old and Asian. So here is my very butch manly man, with his thick Latin accent imitating little old Asian women, well his idea of what little old Asian women sounds like. It was the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life. So funny, I started to convulse with laughter and we both flipped right out of the hammock!

That is how I have managed to stay married to the MAN for 18.5 years!

So here is a video of the HUBS and me tubing in Colorado. It was so much FUN!

Ignore my screaming in the back round, just feast your eyes on the hunk o' hunk of burning love that is THE HUBS.

Meet my Mom

Don't leave your laptop at Granmas.

This was sent to me by my middle sister, it is not phisically my Mom, but, it is SO MY MOM.

Black Hairy Tounge?

My poor assistant has had a horrible rash since I was in Colorado. She has been to 2 docs and is taking all sorts of stuff. Today they gave her some new SUPER strong medicine. She is sitting at her desk reading me the side affects:


headache

stomach cramps

diarrhea

dry mouth

mouth sores

black hairy tongue


WHAT!?! I start choking on my green tea as it drips out my nose, chucking, she has to be making this up. She is a drama queen, like me.


she repeats: Black Hairy Tongue


I am laughing my ass off and this point.


We look it up on the Internet, its for real.


Wikipedia:Black hairy tongue refers to a number of conditions of humans and animals that cause the tongue to become unusually dark and/or hairy in appearance.

Black hairy tongue in humans is a harmless condition caused by a fungus which grows on the top surface of the tongue. It is associated with the elderly, as well as with antibiotic use. It is more commonly seen in tobacco smokers. While black is the most common color associated with the condition other colors are also possible.


Not for the squeamish...here is a picture:





We have decide that if this ever happens to us, we have a suicide pact. Just in case, you know.

WTF?!

Have you all seen this on TMZ? Z-List hottie saves Dog, NAKEY!

Now, listen I have no problemo see that hottie Eric Niles in the buff, and I would crawl on the ice to save my precious child (some freaks insist on calling her a dog) Lulu at the drop of the hat...however, um...I would have left my clothes on!!!

Why?

• it's cold
• your bare skin will be rubbing on the ice
• obviously someone with a camera is there
• and if your a man, well, you might seem a little less "appealing" in the manly area with the cold and all

JUST SAYING!

you HAVE to go over to 3 Boys 1 Mommy, she is the one hooking it up on the WTF-Wednesday

Where are you from?

This is a dreaded question, but I think the time has come in our relationship where, well, you need to know a little bit of my back round, so you can better understand me: Former Fat Chick.

In real life, when someone asks this, a few minutes after meeting me, I sigh, like this: *AHHHHHHHH* real loud and long and sort of obnoxious. Because it' not like the answer is: Pittsburgh, let's move on, it takes like 10 minutes to explain and let's face it, they could give 2 poops.

But, alas, all relationships must move forward, so here is the very complicated explanation.

Both my parents were born in Bolivia.

The immigrated to the States in the early 60's, and became American Citizens. They are both completely bi-lingual (most people think my Dad is a Gringo) but my Mom has a wicked accent (which I was unaware of until my newly wed hubs made fun of it)

My father worked an a translator for the UN in New York, and some how ended up in agricultural development program in Madison, Wisconsin (where the wicked step sisters were born), they quickly moved to Maryland where my Dad commuted to Washington DC for his job with the State Department.

They moved to Mexico- where the Virgin of Guadalupe blessed them with the miracle, after 6 years of trying to conceive non evil daughters -I was born.

Yes, I was born in Mexico- no, I am not Mexican, my father was there for 2 years working, I was granted American citizenship, it's called a birth abroad. No offense Mexico, if I was born in Africa because my Dad worked there, I wouldn't consider my self African.

Back to Silver Springs, Maryland

Off the Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic (2 years)

Back to Silver Springs, MD (pre-k, kinder, 1st & 2nd grade)

San Jose, Costa Rica (1.5 years)

Bogota, Colombia (3.5 years)

Miami, Florida (6 months)

Guatemala City, Guatemala (4 years, 8th- 11th grade)

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic (12th grade, class of 1990)

San Salvador, El Salvador (2 years) *my first son was born here

FYI- San Salvador is a short drive form Guatemala, so that summer, after graduation I kept on going back to Guatemala to hook up with my boyfriend (THE HUBS) and well, we got married on August 31, 1990 (I skipped the champagne toast, if you get my drift)

back to Silver Springs, MD (1.5 years) *my second son was born here- we had to prove to the Family that he hadn't knocked me to get married and get a green card- OK, it's funny now, but my Dad really didn't find it to amusing when I was 20 and had 2 kids. woops!

Miami, Florida (12.5 years) boy, were they LOOOOOOOONG years

Orlando, Florida (just over 2 years) *where my daughter Lulu was brought home, the bestest puppy in the world!

I am an American of Latin American descent, who grew up in States, South America, Central America and the Caribbean....any questions?

Let me answers some that I swear people have asked me over the years, yes ignorant people, but these questions we asked of me the same:

Guatemala? Is that in Africa?

In Colombia, can you just do drugs ALL the time, for free?

Do you live in trees?

Do you have cars?

Are they like, wild animals walking in the streets?

Do you live in a hut?

So you live in Mexico! (no, Guatemala is a WHOLE other country)

Wow, how come your English is so good if your Mexican? (um, I'm and American and live in Guatemala)

Wow, you're really tall and WHITE, I mean for a Mexican. *sigh*

So your from El Salvador and your the nanny for those blond kids? (no, I am their mother)

maybe I'm an exhibitionist...

The more awkward stories I write about, the more I begin to wonder....maybe I am an exhibitionist. Really, there is a pattern here, mostly the pattern is my nakey butt, or other parts. And so, this weeks edition of Former Fat Chick Awkward stories begins.

I was a my girlfriends house next door, well not exactly next door, there was an empty lot between my house and hers. It was Saturday night and we were going out, we would hang out at her house quite often.

1. She lived alone with her Mom (not so much parental supervision)

2. Her Mom was young and cool

3. Her Mom was a Flight Attendant and not home often

4. Her Mom let us use all her stuff: make-up, jewelry, clothes, purses, WIGS!

We must have been drinking because we decided we were going out in blond wigs that night *wooo-hooo* awesome idea. I jumped in the shower, popped out, my GF did my make up and put my wig on....suddenly I was Marilyn Monroe. Just one thing, I had to run home and grab a pair of jeans. I had come over in shorts & a tee and now was all dolled up, and there was no way my thighs and ass were going to fit in my skinny minnie friends jeans.

So this was my logic: I can take my time, find my clothes in the giant pile on the floor and ruin my hair and make up by pulling a t-shirt on and then pulling in off in 2 seconds later when I am home. Or I can run home in my towel and get dressed. We lived on a very dark street, and it had 2 speed bumps, so almost no one ever drove up and down it. Seriously, what's the worst that could happen? What a moronic question.

Well...as I clutched my towel (which was not very large) and ran towards my house, out of the empty lot runs staight into my path, a big fat RAT. It stops dead in it's track, right in front of me. There we stood looking at each other, a face-off. Neither of us move, I run to the right, the rat runs to the right. I run to the left, the rat runs to left. The MOFO wanted to dance! The entire time, I am screaming my head off. I know the cute neighbors (who had already seen my granny panties) across the street will soon come out to see what is going on...so I decide to jump OVER the RAT and make a run for it.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....I jump up and forward towards my house. At that exact same moment the rat had decided that maybe it should run away from me. As my foot landed all I heard was a loud SQUISH...splat. The next thing I heard was the sound of my own screaming and boy was it loud *AAAAAAAAAHHHHH* I had landed on the RAT. In my panic the towel had slipped from one of my hands. The towel was now only covering my front side, as I darted the last 10 feet to my house.

Of course, while all this was going on the our "ride" (i.e. a car full of boys) had pulled up to my GF house and had seen me, covered in a towel and a blond wig, jump around in the street, then suddenly, jump forward, release the towel, give them a BIG OLE MOON, all while screaming and then run into my house. Of course all while being brightly lighten by the car's headlights.

Oh the joy of being a teenager.......humiliation was never so sweet. As always my friends, that was AWKWARD!

And as always thanks to TOVA for helping us share!

weekend, woe is me

My hubs wants to clean out the garage and the master closet this weekend. Now this would not be such a problem...except that he is going to SEE all the shoes.

This is how it will go in the closet...

How many RED shoes does one person need?!

OK, listen, they are not all red. Orange, Red and Pink are three different colors, and then we have:

watermelon suede pumps
lilac mules
cherry red Paten leather peep toes
brick wedge boots
orange tennis shoes
fuchsia flip flops
red loafers
baby pink flats

The list goes on and on...they are all VERY different and VERY necessary.

Then he will move to the garage , and in the cabinets behind the pool cleaner stuff he will find the blue Rubbermaid bin filled with all the shoes that don't fit in my closet! ah!!!

Worth a Thousand Words

I turned 37 last month....that's the bad news....The good news is I got to eat my favorite take out, got a delish chessecake, and lots 'o presents form my boys. Crazy that they are all taller than me, it seems like yesterday I was pulling off the turnpike, busting up a brawl in the back seat and spanking everyone on the side of the rode...wait, that was yesterday! Oh, the joys of boys....

As always, we have Jen over at Cheaper Than Therapy to thank for Thousand Words Thursdays.

Little Girls in the 70's

I got this as an e-mail and laughed the whole way through...my additions are in red!



If you were a little girl in the 70's...



You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. - got in trouble for playing doctor with a boy!

You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.- got in trouble for renting it to the neighborhood kids for a nickle around the block.

You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels. -got in trouble for carrying a glass coke bottle while skating, then falling and breaking my wrist and the bottle!

You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (admit it!)- got in trouble for slobbering on the TV when I would kiss Donny as he sang on the Donny and Marie show!

You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island .

You had either a 'bowl cut' or 'pixie', not to mention the 'Dorothy Hamill'. People sometimes thought you were a boy.

You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.

YEAH! You owned a 'Slip-n-Slide', on which you injured yourself on a sprinkler head more than once.

You owned 'Klick-Klacks' and smacked yourself in the face more than once!

Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.

You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.

You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon. -but got speak & spell, educational toys suck!

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits, or the sunshine family. -got in trouble for shaving the Sunshine Families heads.

You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze.The swing set tipped over at least once.- never could do a "penny drop!"

You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.- You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole & the buckle) - my husband gave me a red pair a few years back for Christmas, best gift ever!

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Oleson! - got caught calling her a bitch once- got in trouble!

You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink! -nah, held hands for the first time at the movies watching ET.

PONG! ('video tennis' ) was the most remarkable futuristic game you've ever heard of !

Your hairstyle was described as having 'wings' or 'feathers' and you kept it 'pretty' with the comb you kept in your back pocket.

You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic. With the thermos inside some were glass inside and broke the first time you dropped them. - I was so lame, I had a "Waltons" lunch box...who does that to their kid? Mother Former Fat Chick, that's who!

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend. YOU had Star Wars action figures, too! -Never wanted to be Leah, tried to be Han Solo, ended up being Chewbacca, that was the price for playing with the boys!

It was a big event in your household each year when the 'Wizard of Oz' would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!

You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: 'Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy or Leif Garrett?'

You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record album. -How about that Disco Duck?

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. - made crosses out of Popsicle sticks after watching "Salem's Lot" on TV.

You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker- got in trouble because my Mom heard me yelling profanities at the DJ for ruining my recording by talking!

You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books. (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.) - and all the sex stuff from "Forever" *groan*

You thought Olivia Newton John's song 'Physical' was about aerobics. ( its not??)

You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.

You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer. -the slutty one with the hair down to her butt!

You drowned yourself in Love's Baby Soft - which was the first 'real' perfume you ever owned. You glopped your lips in Strawberry Roll-on lip-gloss till it almost dripped off. -I NEVER did this, it grossed me out and made me think of those Pig creatures in Star Wars, these guys:

All in all, it seems I got in a lot of trouble in the 70's...well, not half as much as in the 80's!

Celebrity Look-a-like

Since my sister, over a Piece o' Coconut Cake, did it...well, so did I. I am, as you all know her youngest sister, therefore she is like my Guinea pig, she does it first, then I follow.

For example:

Her: oh, you're turning 30, hmmm, soon you'll get spider veins, you're going to need those shots.

Me: huh, yeah right whatever....

Next summer, flipping blue lines on my thighs...

The list could go on and on...

But this does not involve cosmetic surgery, it's much more fun and FREE!

Here are my celebrity look a likes:

We only had one in common, that was Sela Ward- I was surprised by the blondies....

The only one I ever get in person is Catherine Zeta, I get it a lot, which is funny, because when I first saw her, she reminded me of my middle sis.

Well, all in all, not bad at all....no Desmund Tutu in there or Gerard Depardieu- hahahaaaa.

Twilight Awkwardness

I bought myself Twilight as a Christmas gift, knowing it would be a guilty pleasure. It sat on my night stand until last week. I was resisting reading it, mostly because I have an aversion to reading books that are wildly popular (like the Davinci Code, I refuse to read to this day.) Who knows why....just a thing with me.

As I was packing for my trip to Colorado I shoved in my carry on...well, well, well....I read half the book on the way there and finished the rest while on vacation in the Rockies. I had to pretend to go to the bathroom a lot, since the HUBS was getting annoyed with me reading all the time, while he wanted to do other stuff. It was just so GOOD, I didn't want to stop! As we had lunch on Sunday in Denver, I announced " I have to stop at a bookstore and get New Moon" He protested, we are running late, we need to get to the airport, you can buy it there. I looked him in the eye and was very firm "I am NOT getting on that plane, unless I have that book, understand?" He nodded, the man has been trained for almost 19 years, he know when I mean business.

Hudson News, main terminal, all out of New Moon.....hmmmm, Terminal A, not one copy of New Moon, hmmmmmmmmm, I am getting angrier and think of beating him with my boots, which are conveniently in my hand and at the security check point....Terminal B, where we are to get on our plane, NO NEW MOON, I make the lady call all over the airport and they have a copy in Terminal C, YES! Nooooooooooooooo, we have to get to our gate!

"Passengers on the United Flight to Orlando, your flight has been delayed" I jump up and shout "YEAH!" This is not looked upon kindly be other passengers. I grab my purse and run to the tram, cackling the whole way! I score, and now have New Moon in my hands...wait, bonus round...Ben & Jerry's on the way back! I stroll back to gate B-15, new book in hand happily licking my Mint Choco-chip...yummy, the man just looks at me and says his most repeated phrase: "You're Weird."

I ignore him, and start to read, we get on the plane, I keep reading, we take off, WHAT?! NOOOOO, tears start forming in my eyes, they roll down my checks, and I sniffle. OMG, NO!

The HUBS turns and looks at me and says "Are you crying?"

FFC (me): I can't believe he broke up with her!

The HUBS just raises his eyebrows and shakes his head once again repeating his mantra, "You're so weird"

Of course he is a man and talks way too loud so at least 6 other people turned to see me snot nosed, blubbering over how a teen vampire broke up with his cluzty girlfriend *waaaaaaaaaaaa*

That my friends was awkward!

And as always thanks to TOVA for helping us share!

In the Rockies

So, as usual, I am not dead, I was out of town...um, my cell phone didn't work and had no Internet (both of which were a complete surprise!) but I was at 12,000 feet, so what did I expect!

I was in Winter Park Colorado to ski for the first time ever! Yes, my WHOLE body hurts, but No, I did not kill myself....I only fell once (if you don't count getting off the lift, and the times I threw myself down, as to not kill a child on a slope) but I did bump my head and got to ride down on a snowmobile! I will tell that one soon!

Here's a pic of me looking like the Michelin man in my million layers, I grew up in the tropics people, I have no business being in 10 degree weather!

However, all I can say about Colorado is WOW, so gorgeous!

The day my Dad brought home a baby

I am the youngest of 3 girls. By the time I was 12, I was an only child, as both my sisters had gone off to College in the States and we were living in Guatemala at the time. I saw them twice a year, and I liked it that way. Just our little pod, the 3 of us.

One day my father came home with a baby. No phone call, no discussion, showed up at 6pm with a 9 month old little girl in his hands.

She was filthy, wrapped in rags, stinky, she had lice and red splotches all over her body. I always waited for my Dad to get home and greeted him at the door, He looked at me and said "go get your Mom."

I never really thought about this until today, can you imagine your husband of 27 years walking in the door with some random baby! ha-ha it's almost comical!

A very good friend of my father's, Ginny, had been in town from Washington DC on business, she was in her 40's and divorced. They had a conversation about how she would like to adopt a child, possibly in Guatemala, yada, yada, yada. She got on a plane and left.

The day after my father's driver comments that a local woman in the village he lived had tried to give him her baby. This poor woman, had already had 10 children and 6 of them had died before the age of 2 (infant mortality in Guatemala at that time was higher than even Africa) and she could not even afford to feed the baby and was sure this child would die. The driver, was the local hero, as he had been a contract employee for the American Embassy for years and was doing well for himself. However he had 4 kids of his own and had already take 2 babies in, as they were left on his door step.

Something clicked in my Dad's brain and said, take me to this woman's house. His idea was to make contact, check the situation out and then contact Ginny and see what to do. I remember him telling me this like it was yesterday.

"Honey, I never expected it to be as bad as it was" He said it was horrible, the baby sat on the floor, a dirty floor. There was no running water, they had a ditch with sewage feet from where the children were. There were no beds, no walls, you get the idea. She was sick, she was coughing and thin as a rail. He said when he picked her up she smiled and touched his face. That was it. He spoke with the woman, she trusted him, he was Luis (the driver) boss and friend. They told her they would be back with papers, attorneys, etc.

My Mom and I took the baby, bathed her in the sink, wrapped her in towels and sent my Dad to the market to buy everything you need for a baby. I was 13 for goodness sakes, there was nothing for this child in our home to use! We laughed when he got home, he bought tons of stuff in all sizes.

The next morning my Mom took her to the pediatrician, he said she would have not lasted 2 days, she was so ill.

She lived with us for the 9 months it took to process her paperwork, she moved to DC with Ginny when the adoption was complete.

My Mom never even gave my Dad a sideways glance, let alone said "are you nuts!" I never thought how amazing that was, of both of them, at the time I was happy to have a REAL LIVE DOLL!

Cruising while preggers!

Let’s clear this up, I’m a flirt, it’s just my personality. I am not sure Flirt is the right word, I love everyone, I chat everyone up, I am always smiling, and I will introduce myself and strike up a conversation with every light post or telephone pole. But, I am also a flirt.
I was 19 and driving to enroll myself in classes for the next session at the local College, I also happened to be about 8 and half months pregnant.
It’s hard to be preggers, especially when you are 19, you are not supposed to look like you should have a sign saying “CAUTION: wide load” hanging off your ass! So that day as I drove along, in my father’s Jeep Wagoneer, I wasn’t feeling especially pretty. I guess I had missed the fact that in this particular car I was driving, I was only visible from the shoulders up. Well, from the shoulders up, I was a lovely, dark haired 19 year old, and that is exactly what the car full of boys next to me at the red light were looking at. I turned to see them waving at me, smiling and saying “Hey.” I instinctually smiled back, and the coquettishly flipped my hair, waved and drove off. What a rush! Hahahah, I laughed all the way to the Campus.
Feeling empowered and beautiful, I waddled out of the car, up the steps and to the registration office. HUGE line, ugh, I would have to pee in about 3 minutes, my feet were swollen and the pressure on my pelvic bone was killing me…woe is me! Then the door opened and who filed in? The four strapping young men from the light. I turned bright red and sheepishly smiled and did the nerdy half wave; they of course just stood there, frozen with the bottom lips firmly glued to the floor.
There is nothing like killing the sex drive of teenage boys to make you feel good.

Oh, TOVA DARLING, thank you for embracing our awkwardness...