Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician

This may be a two part post, so settle in ladies....

Oh, and if you are a MAN, you have no business reading this, really, unless you are a gay man, and then Honey, you know what I'm talking about when I tell you of my misadventures in body waxing!

I have lived in Orlando for 2 and half years and 'till this day I have not found a really good salon to get waxed at. Let me tell you, Miami is the bikini wax capital of the United States, and there resides the best bikini waxer in the world, Annie at Uni-K Wax. My bond with this woman is strong, for years she took care of me, with patience and her gentle hands. I have my suspicion that the wax at Uni-K was infused with a little bit of lidocaine, because I am telling you it really didn't hurt. How well did Annie know me? When I skipped my appointment and came in a few weeks later, she would tsk, tsk, tsk while yanking at my panties and always say "Poor Jose, poor Jose!" The bitch felt sorry for the HUBS having to sleep with Chewbacca! I would always reply: Shut up Annie, he's lucky to get a piece of this! and then we would both cackle away while she ripped every hair from my body from my waist down....ahhhh, good times.

Then I moved, and well, the area I live in Orlando is predominantly white and waxing does not seem as common as with Hispanic women. My theory is.... well, white women just have a LOT less hair, hence less drastic measures of hair removal are called for, whatever, I can't get a good wax people!

I have tried a whole bunch of places, I even got up and walked out of one place in the middle of the wax (yes, I left lopsided) because the woman clearly had NO idea what she was doing and didn't understand a word of English or Spanish and well, it was just down right dangerous at one point. I mean HELLO, she is wielding a Popsicle stick with burning hot wax at your precious coochie! So I said "move bitch, get out the way, get out the way" pulled my shorts on a walked away.

You all remember my trip to Colorado a few weeks back, well I envisioned my self in a Hot Tub next to the snow, which could only mean one thing- bathing suit, which meant BIKINI WAX TIME.

I made and appointment for a mani/pedi/and a wax with Lana at Sunshine nails, oh Lana, they really should just call her Nurse Ratched and get it over with. She seemed nice enough during the mani, very efficient, hmmmm. We moved on to the giant massage chair for the pedicure. Of course I felt like the Jolly Green Giant flopping my big feet towering over her as I follow her svelte under 5 foot frame to the pedi station. She was like a little porcelain Asian doll, very still while I soaked my feet in the hot water. Then she grabbed my foot and went to town. She was a digger, a poker, and real picker. You all know what I mean. Sometimes you get a pedicure that you think, I could have done that! All they did to you was soak, rub cream on you and paint your toes. BUT sometimes you get a Picker. Oh, they take forever and get up all in there and get the job done, they practically sand your heels to the bone. Awesome, I felt like I was getting my money's worth....so smug, forgetting that this was the woman who was going to wax me.

I waddle back to the wax room, with those rubber things spreading my toes apart, my hands in the air, just in case my nails were still wet. Tiny Lana follows me, carrying my purse and ratty flip flops. She hangs my stuff up and turns to me:

Lana: I undress you, no mess up nails.

OK- nothing like having a complete stranger pull your jeans off, specially when your sober! haha! That was a joke PEOPLE!

Lana: I take you panties, itsa better, that way they no get ruined, they sooooo pretty.

I must say that I have a thing with buying ridiculous lacy panties, I think it stems from having to wear giant cotton tents when I was HUGE. Now I buy ridiculous underwear that really are just for show and should never been worn out your house. If I ever was in an accident and they ripped my clothes of in the ER, they probably would think I was a.) the heir to Fredrick's of Hollywood b.) a fat lingerie model c.) a thieving Victoria's Secret employee.

Me: Um, OK.

Now, if I wasn't the accidental exhibitionist that I am, this probably would have been a big RED flag. But, I was leaving to Colorado in the morning and well, honey, something had to be done to that garden of Eden, it had grown way out of control! I mean really the poor HUBS was paying for a nice vacation, he should get something in return.

Stay tuned for part DEUX of- Lana- sadist/gynecologist/beauty technician