Thursday, August 4, 2011

Spanx, not for the faint hearted

Most of you know, I grew up in Latin America and they take the whole panty girdle (what Spanx used to be called) to a while other level. I'm talking about female body armor, bounce a dime off your ass, dime flies across the room takes someone eye out level.

I started wearing these garments when I was 14, and I tell you I had the whole collection, head to toe. In fact I can honestly say my virginity was preserved far more by these undergarments, than my poor judgment.

As an adult I still love the company of these undergarments. However I must warn you, they are not for everyone.

Here are a few examples of my worst experiences in my love/hate relationship with Spanx.

I LOVE how they make me look in my clothes.

I hate how expensive they are.

I hate how long it takes my fat ass to wiggle into one.

I hate that my hubs once walked in on me trying to pull them up and he says he is scarred for LIFE.

I hate that no matter how carful you are, you always feel like someone can see them under your skirt when you sit down or go up steps, and how UN-sexy is that?

I hate that if you go dancing and have a few (OK, like 10) drinks and go to the ladies room, there is ZERO chance you are getting those suckers back up.

Or you can text your Hubs and tell him to come to the bathroom to help you, but your drunk so you text the wrong person "Come here and help me get my panties up, fucker!"

Yeah, I especially hate that one.

I hate that every time I wear them I can't stop thinking about how sausage is made.

I hate that that particular mental image makes me hungry for some kielbasa w/ sauerkraut.

I hate that one of the contraptions was SO like an Iron Maiden that I cut a "pee hole" in the crotch for the purpose of not having to text some random person from a bathroom for help.

And then the pice of crap ran like a bad pair of panty hose, when it cost me a small fortune.

Why not buy one with snaps in the crotch you ask? Yeah, been there- worn those, when you you make any sudden mov they SNAP open, disastrous.

What's a girl to do, beside get a body transplant? Keep wearing those suckers.


  1. Love this! I remember when my mom used to wear them. She'd go out for an evening but wouldn't drink anything because she didn't want to go to the bathroom. Sounds like a fun evening to me! And I want to thank you for making me hungry. I loves me some kielbasa.

  2. Well done article. You are right not for the faint of heart. lol

  3. This is so true. I've always been pretty chubby (now obese) and these under garments were always sort of present in my moms drawer (a shout out to the pentecostal church for making women wear unflattering dresses so bitches felt like they had to suck their fat in). I've seen them all. Pristine white corest-type (that somehow end up a sort of beige), ones with fabric to the knees, ones with fabric to your tits, full body...whatever. But when *I* started buying them for myself, I headed right to Ross, where my size was conveniently located by the size 14 silky, lime green panties. Off brand, something like shpanks, of course. Those mother fuckers lasted me 12+ years. Unfortunately they had fabric to the legs when I bought them, which gave me sort of a cabbage patch appearance under pants. So, scissors, bam, that shit was gone. Unfortunately again, to make sure they covered my whole ass, I had to cut them a little long. The legs always rolled up between my thigh and belly fat after that, which was fine! The day I threw those away was tragic, but I realized it was a must. They had stretched to the point where when not on they looked like some unpadded bras -- you know, the type that you see have room for your boob. Except, it had room for my enormous gut. The upside, I don't have to ever have my pants slide down that shiny fabric again and have a friend ask where my back tattoo has gone. Gooooood times!


I love you Darling, really! Thank you!