Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dear Body

Dear Body (men stop reading now) Dear chubby, bloated, starting to sag body,

I know that you are designed to menstruate (ugh) every month (even though I haven't had a baby in 17 years, you think you would have taken the hint) and I can forgive you for this transgression. What I simply can NOT and will not forgive you for is the following:
  • the SALT cravings, extra salty popcorn, chips and nuts (why not just buy a salt tablet and lick it like a horse?)
  • followed by the sugar and carb craving (can you say pancakes smothered in syrup, food of the gods?)
  • even BIGGER boobs and they hurt (nice touch)
  • the ridiculous pains (like birthing an alien from each ovary)
  • the bloating (yeah, because I don't feel fat enough!)
  • the runs (WTF? why?)
  • and to make life complete: The Migraine headache

I want a letter from you by 5pm on my desk with a full explanation of your actions, if not, you are SO FIRED! I am not kidding, I am sure I can find some wacky Dr. willing to rid me of you and by you I mean the reproductive portion of you (can you say hysterectomy?) and I will simply replace you with a patch BITCH. What do you think about that!?

See you at 5pm!

P.S. Please note I did not mention the crying and mood swings, as I can't totally attribute those to solely you, there is that whole craziness thing.


  1. What's menstuate?

    Does that have something to do with farming?

  2. I had all those pieces but one removed, and I really wish I had that little bitch taken out too. I'm conviced myself that I now have a cyst the size of a newborn in there and that is why I'm so fat, hormonal and in pain.

  3. I've been trying to knock off the caffeine and did you notice that almost ALL of the "that time of the month" medicine has freaking caffiene in it? And while I was in the aisle, I noticed that they have "Water Pills" JUST for bloating. What the hell are they made of?

    I usually crave ice cream during that time...lately I've been freezing bananas, sticking them in a blender, adding a splash of skim milk, and blending them. Tastes like sorbet! Melts fast as hell, but might help the cravings for sweets.

    Of course, it tastes great with Magic Shell on it, but god knows what the hell that crap is!

  4. Since I had a baby mine is so much worse, used to be like nothing.

    Motrin? I have no other tips to offer. It does suck.

  5. too funny. I just wrote a blog about why I hate my period and it is remarkably similar to yours. Something must be in the air!

  6. Does anyone have an "Ode to My Period" posted out there?

  7. This was sooo funny! You made me lol! Thanks!


I love you Darling, really! Thank you!