House Arrest SUX!

So I have been on house arrest since getting out of the Hospital last Thursday. I used to think people who were given house arrest instead of jail time got off easy. Not anymore. It is the worst thing ever. I am bored beyond belief, I have (with the help of my Mom) cleaned out my closet. Put the winter stuff away in a giant Tupperware in the garage and pulled out the summer stuff and have it all in order. Then we got rid of the giant piles of laundry in the laundry room and put them all away. While doing that we discovered a bushell of clothes behind the dryer and (OK, this is bad) made my mom (who is 5 foot tall and 70 years old) climb behind the dryer and pass it too me. I couldn't for god sakes my stomach looks like swiss cheese! That is were I discovered like 25 pairs of my panties, all the slutty ones....I don't know very strange. I have let her control the TV as a sign of Thanks, which means I have been watching Food Network and Lifetime NON-stop! I have only been out twice...one time to the movies, and once to Target. Where they left me at the door and I got a little cart like those older people...I will never make fun of them again, it is so hard to steer those things and they go super fast!

I can not drive until I am off the pain medication and look behind me on both sides, that's what the Doc says. I am seriously hoping that will be Monday.

On a another note, I have more time to blog and surf the internets and have spent hours showing my Mom pictures of everyone and their mother on Facebook! ha-ha Oh yeah, she is blind as a bat and can never find her glasses, so she keeps wandering out of the bathroom with body lotion going is this shampoo? OR suntan lotion, is this toothpaste? MA! Wear your glasses before I have to call POISON CONTROL!
Oh! And my cel phone died and the I got a new one, but lost all 150 contacts in it! I figure if they didn't call to see if I'm alive, SCREW THEM, their not my friends, just sayin.

How I know I am the BEST wife in the WORLD

There are many things that make me an awesome wife...I mean after 19 years, I got it down pat, seriously.

However there are things that put me head and shoulder above others...below I give you the reason we drove to Georgia in a freaking HURRICANE to acquire the HUBS latest toy:

Yeah, you read it right, it says: Long Time 'Cummin. The best part was when I had to explain to him what that meant! hahaha, English is not his first language and colloquialisms just don't register in his head.

FFC= DREAM WIFE, that's worth a thousand words!

Dear Ludymila

In response to your e-mail:

I greet you!

To love another person is to see the face of God.
I'm cheerful, kind, attractive Lady, outgoing and
sociable. I enjoy life  and would like to meet a nice
Gentleman to share my life. I Value: Good manners,
open-mindedness.
I have kind and sympathetic character. In my free time
I like reading books, cooking, going to the theater,
cinema, ballet. I love travelling and spending time
outdoors with my friends. It's really important for
me to fulfill myself in a relationships - to create
coziness at home for my be loved one.
I am waiting for you

Mila

Dear Ludymila (Mila)

My dearest one, you can't know how happy I was to be in remittance of your communication on my death bed in the hospital. The moment I read your e-mail I knew I could die a contented death, I had found my soul mate. Alas, you as me are: kind, sympathetic, cheerful, outgoing and sociable! And then, when I read you like to cook and read and going to the cinema, I knew it was meant to be!

Oh Ludy, Mila my baby, there is one small problem, my parents gave me a fucked up name, that made you think that I was, how should I say this...A MAN? When in fact, I, like you am and "attractive Lady" and furthermore I like the MENS...yes, it's true FFC is strictly dickly (even that time I had 17 Tequila shots!).

Our love can never be, so you can wait in the Ivory Coast the rest of your life, it just ain't gonna happen, my dearest one.

Love,

Ylla

I'm Alive

Yes Girls, it's true. I lived through the surgery. It was not the best case scenario, but it was not the worst case scenario either. I got out of the hospital Thursday night, and have been allowed liquid only since Thursday morning. My mother is convinced I am a TOTAL masochist since I have been watching the FOOD Network non-stop. I know, sounds kind of crazy, but I never get to watch those shows because I am always at work or watching Spike TV or Speed TV or Ultimate Fighting whatever!

The took the draining tube out today, that had all the guys in the house totally grossed out. I am feeling a little better every day, but this operation really kicked me in the ass hard! Worse that 2 c-sections, worse than the tummy tuck, worse than the gall balder removal,and worse than the putting in of the gastric lap band. I am pretty sure it is because they had to cut in to my actual stomach. Today I thought I was going to be able to announce that I had lost those 10 pounds, being on a liquid diet and all and not eating food since Monday night! Yeah right....how much does that suck! Well, I will be home for a while, no physical activity, no driving and no food 'till Thursday.

Starving!

I am STARVING! I last ate at 7:30 pm last night, after that nothing! Oh yeah, I had a sip of water to take my new hypothyroidism pill this morning (because enough shit wasn't wrong with my, now my thyroid is a dud) oh yeah and I might swallow a little when I brush my teeth. My surgery is at 2:30pm.

Last night the HUBS (who is a HUGE worry wart) told me to please leave something in writing? About what? He answered "I don't know anything!" Well DUH! But I would have to write an encyclopedia to educate you at this point! However, that was enough to keep me up ALL night thinking about what to write.

So here it is....if I die (ha-ha this is dramatic) HUBS is such a freak. I want to donate my organs, but I want to look pretty in a casket, so don't go all crazy. I want to be buried in Guatemala, in a pretty casket, with lots of yellow and pink roses. I want to be in my Lauren flowery dress, I love that dress, I feel so pretty in it. And I want there to be a smashing party after the service, seriously, drinking and karaoke, because that is the best time I can imagine.

Here is my craziness exposed: I want my dog Lulu to have babies and the HUBS and the boys to always have one of her babies, because they will always make them happy and remember me. Then when Lulu passes away I want her to buried with me. It's on you to figure out how to get her in there, it's Guatemala for God's sake, I am sure you can pay someone off with a bottle of booze and a carton of cigarettes. I am sure the HUBS wanted info more along the lines of the kids medical info, the house stuff, all the bank accounts, etc...but what fun would that be!
Here's the dress and me with the HUBS.

Why the EFF did you have a kid?

I have been obsessed with this blog since the moment I saw it. Really, it is a never ending TRAIN WRECK that you can log in an look at when ever you want. I know, sick right?

I found it because it was left in the comment section of a very funny 20 something blogger, who now I can't remember her name site or how to get back to her blog...well, she is the one to blame for my very guilty pleasure:

Ladies, I give you: Why the F**K did you have a Kid?!

Please make sure NO ONE can see you screen!

Blogging can be dangerous!

Sunday was Mother's day, I called my Mom, I swear I did! It was 6pm, and I thought it was 8pm in their time zone and for sure they would be home, they weren't, no one answered the phone. I remembered to try again at about 9pm, but then I thought it was too late. I called Monday night and my Mom wasn't home. So I chatted with my Dad a little while-

Daddy: Honey, you didn't call your Mom yesterday. She was expecting your call (translation: daddy's Little Girl/favorite/baby of the bunch = SHE IS PISSED!)

FFC: Yeah I did, no one answered, where were you at 8pm?

Daddy: We were home, we only went to the club a little while and then to lunch at your sister's.

FFC: I called and no one answered. Where is Mom out at night, on a Monday?

Daddy: She went to a Women Nobel Prize Winners Conference with her friends.

FFC: Oh, you mean an Angry Lesbians conference ?

ha-ha we both laugh, because that man totally gets my sense of humor. (while my mother-in-law who was at my house at the time just looks at me perplexed)

Daddy: Call her tomorrow, she won't be back until about 11pm tonight, and that will be to late for you.

FFC: No it won't, it's like 9pm, I can call her back.

Daddy: Darling, we are 2 hours behind you, not ahead of you.

FFC: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Daddy: Besides, I don't think she is going to believe you she read your BLOG about HER Birthday!

FFC: uh-oh

And this is the woman who is coming to care for me after my surgery, if I was her I would be doing all sorts of nasty things to me when I was drugged.....maybe she will show the surgeon my post about HIM! oh no! Why do my 75 year old Dad and 70 year old Mom have to be so damn computer SAVVY!

FAT ME, you can't come back!

So, this picture was taken on 8/31/2001, it was out 11th Wedding Anniversary. On 12/26/2001 I underwent Gastric Lap Band surgery. Next Tuesday that band will be removed, due some crazy ass complications.

Fat Me, you are banished, we (I am sure The HUBS would concur) do NOT want you back. We will wear this bikini NO MATTER what, so if we gain any weight it will be extremely humiliating. Just so you know that is not an idle threat (I will inform you of my July 4th plans so you can avoid that frightful sight!)

That marshmallow white girl on the left is actually my son, Hairy #2.

These picture are WORTH a Thousand Words- FO SHO!

Talk to 10 Hairy Men...

My besties daughter had her first communion last Saturday. All week long we talked about the preparations and the dress and all the fun stuff. We then reminisced about when the 2 Hairy's had their first communion, eons ago....

The Hairy's are quite the comedy duo, always have been, always will. The week before they take communion for the first time, they all have to go to confession for the first time (it has a special name, but I can't remember it for the life of me.) I dropped them off and came back after it was all said and done. The Catechism teacher advises you not to pry as to what they confessed, but it is OK to ask how it went, etc.

They get in the car:

Fat Mom: How did it go?

Hairy #1: OK, it was just like they said.

Hairy #2: uncharacteristically silent

Fat Mom: and you? How was it?

Hairy #2: That guy was weird (guy= priest)

MY HEART STOPS (this was after all during the pedophilia scandal!) What do you mean WEIRD?

Hairy #2: He told me to talk to 10 Hairy Men!

Fat Mom: WHAT?!?!

Hairy #1: You mean "Say 10 Hail Mary's" you big DUMMY

Hairy #2: yeah that, whatever.

Say 10 Hail Mary's is not the same thing as Talk to 10 Hairy Men- I'm just saying. Now, I am not Catholic and I personally have never been to confession (the poor priest would have to take a week off to hear it!) But it seems to me the Hairy's must have been pretty DAMN BAD to have to say 10 Hail Mary's each!

The day of the Communion we had a small lunch to celebrate the kids not having to go to Sunday school anymore and Mom not having to take them! No, no I kid, I kid, we celebrated their First Communion (they celebrated all the cash they got from everyone!) The whole lunch they were giggling and grabbing my wine in a crazy imitation of the priest. I know lovely!

The usual Priest was ill and they used a re-placement priest that the kids didn't know. He was Spanish (he had just got here from Spain) and had a very thick European accent. It seems the boys thought he sounded like Dracula, specially when he would raise the Goblet and say

"I vant you to driunkh oft thees Bload"

So what they got out of the whole experience was : talk to hairy men and learn to imitate Bela Lugosi, in a nutshell.

I was married in a Catholic Church, because it was important to the HUBS, I signed a piece of paper (no joke) saying I would raise my children Catholic. I had them baptized and took them every Sunday for a year to Church and Sunday school so that they could complete their first communion. The Hubs went to Church the day of the communion.

When it came time for the Hairy's to go for their confirmation, it meant that they had to go 2 nights a week (kicking and screaming because they were now teens) for 2 years. I have always been a working Mom, I usually don't get home until 6pm, at which time I start making dinner (I cook 5 days a week), so it was apparent that logistically it was not going to happen. I offered the job to The HUBS, who is technically Catholic, which he turned down and that was the end of the contract which I was supposed to uphold to the Catholic Church.....Now the question is.........will they send Priest Dracula to get me?!

Friday Funny

My girlfriend sent this to me the other day- she said the moment she read it she thought of me......hmmmm, I wonder WHY?

Could it be the MAN drives me crazy?

I wish we knew where it came from, because it really deserves the credit!

Condi Rice VS the 4th Grader

Rice answers 4th-grader's question on torture
'The president was not prepared to do something illegal,' she replies

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice speaks to grade school students at the Jewish Primary Day School in Washington on Sunday.

Ron Sachs / Rabinowitz-Dorf via AP

Updated 6:18 p.m. ET, Mon., May 4, 2009

WASHINGTON - Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told Jewish elementary school students that the Bush administration did not use illegal interrogation tactics. Her remarks were in response to a question from Misha Lerner, a fourth-grader at the Jewish Primary Day School of the Nation's Capital, The Washington Post reported Monday.
Rice spoke at the school Sunday before giving a lecture at the Sixth & I Historic Synagogue.
Lerner asked Rice what she thought about the Obama administration's remarks on interrogation methods authorized by its predecessors.

Rice responded that she didn't want to criticize President Barack Obama. But she also said that President George W. Bush assured his administration that "we would do nothing, nothing, that was against the law or against our obligations internationally."
"I hope you understand that it was a very difficult time. We were all so terrified of another attack on the country," she said. "Even under those most difficult circumstances, the president was not prepared to do something illegal, and I hope people understand that we were trying to protect the country."

Last week the former secretary of state told Stanford University students that "we did not torture anyone."

Then the fourth grader YELLED out- LIAR-LIAR PANTS on FIRE----Then the whole class joined in!!! LIAR-LIAR PANTS on FIRE!!! (just saying, that's what played out in my head)

What is WRONG with you?!?!

OK, I know you are out there, you know who you are. You are those people who bought the Snuggy, and got mad when I said "why don't you just wear your bathrobe on backwards" DUH!


Well, I open up some silly magazine this weekend and what do I find? This...

What?!? Who are the people that wear this? The people that paid money for this? The kids head popping out like that is so CREEPY!

Is it a HAND-FREE thing? So that you can hold your blackberry and sip your latte at the same time? It costs like $80!

Here is the website so you can see all the cracked out things they sell and use this thing for!

Maybe it's because I haven't had a baby in my house in over 15 years and this is just o modern for me?! Is that is, or are you young Mom's actually buying and digging these things? Please I NEED to KNOW!~