I am Homer Simpson

You see that gorgeous painting there, yes, the one with that fetching woman, with the gorgeous rack, and the most beautiful dog in the world! I know it is hard to believe two such beauties could be captured in one amazing painting!

Well, as some of you may know that woman is me, and that marvelous canine is my Little Lulu.

So what does this have to do with Homer Simpson?Well, remember the episode, in which Homer gave Marge a bowling ball for Christmas? It even had HOMER engraved on it!

Well, this was THE HUBS Christmas gift! He was so thrilled!

The whole HOMER gift is explained HERE!

The very talented and lovely Miss Gena Semenov is the person responsible for the painting! Please visit her site and you can e-mail her a picture and she can make you a portrait too!

Tweeterific

I apologize for being so lame and posting my greatest TWEETS, but if I try to write a proper post, my left eye will explode, no lie.


Follow me on Twitter, I'm : @SugarTwittes

• Just how BIG is my BUTT you ask? Um, my skirts are like 4 inches shorter in the back than in the front..that BIG!

• If I was entrepreneurial I would design dresses and skirts for BIG BUTT women that were longer in the back ...hmmm, genius

• I call HUBS dick wad all the time, he replies "UR the Dick Wad" I go: define "DICKWAD" he has no idea, aye mi Ricky Ricardo!

• Sex in the shower is never as sexy as it sounds; especially if you are wearing a shower cap- just saying

• Don't get me wrong, I love that people actually follow me, but I have 6 strip clubs following, have no idea why, could b I have sugar twitts?

• Maybe I will become friends with on of these strip clubs and throw the HUBS a B-day Bash there! World's Best WIFE trophy awaits me!

• Is Moose Munch (however yummy) supposed to make your ASS the size of an actual MOOSE?

• We usually watch ELF on Christmas Day, but with "The Hangover" being release, I think it will be the new family tradition, is that wrong?

• ate too much moose munch...must try and button pants, then roll home...

• Love it! B-O-O-B is a palindrome!

• Did you know that 2010 is the year of the Tiger in the Chinese Calender? um, FAIL!

• Do ever have those days where you just crack YOURSELF UP, all day long...but no one else seems to laugh?!

• Holiday Tip #5- make sure you have more gifts for your stinky teenage boys than for for your lovely princess Little Lulu (American bulldog)

• Holiday Tip #4- Remember, always deny to your hubs that you went to Target. Target is a black hole that sux up all his $ & 1/2 your day

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  Holiday Tip #3- if said lunch break was 1 hour, do not get "lost" in Target for 2.5 hours

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  Holiday Tip #2- If you go to Target because you have a $80 credit, do NOT spend $280 (specially if broke, like me)

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  Holiday Tip #1- If you go to Target on you "lunch" break, make sure you are NOT wearing a RED shirt!

So wrong, so VERY wrong

How can something that looks SO yummy be so wrong?

Yes, ladies and gays, I am talking about the hotnastyness that is Taylor Lautner.

I have held my tongue for long enough, my adoration for him has been silenced too long.

In here lies my dilemma: he is the same age as my youngest son. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

So wrong, so very very wrong.

Now here lies my redemption. I have seen my kids friends, I have been to their school and I HAVE NEVER seen any kids that looks anywhere near as hot as Taylor Lautner. Because, if I was a teacher and Taylor Lautner was my student, I would so go all Mary Kay Letourneau on his fine ASS!

However the other day was a complete fail, as I was watching Entertainment Tonight and they flashed that picture on the screen, I let out a stifled cry "ugh, so wrong"

Of course my older son (who is 18) was walking by and quickly pointed out- "Mom, you know that kid is Stevie's age"

I screamed: I know so wrong, so DAMN wrong!

Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!

One of my neighbor friends e-mailed this to me, I have not idea who did it , to give them credit, but OMG, who ever did this- You are a GENIUS! Please read the story below the picture!

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

My Mother the FATTY

Lately much of my time has been spent rushing from my job to pick up my parents and accompany them to the endless doctor's visits my Mother has. This involves a lot of waiting in the waiting rooms, waiting in the lab, waiting in the exam room, the 3 of us just starting at each other.

Finally when someone comes in and starts asking questions, I am quick to answer, since you all know I am the National Director of Gossip (AKA busybody.)

Every time the nurse asks- How tall is your Mom.

I answer- 5 feet

Mom quickly pipes up: I'm 5'1 (in her dreams)

The nurse leaves the room, and we continue to talk amongst ourselves.

Dad: I want to know what tests they did in the blood work.

Me: OK Daddy, we will ask for specifics, what are your concerns.

Dad: I want to see if your Mama has anemia.

Mom: Anemia?! The way you are feeding me?! I know you are trying to fatten me up. I know you are trying to make me look like "La Beyonce" (this was in Spanish and even funnier can you can imagine)

I immediately fell to my knees I laughed so hard.

Of course, my Dad, who puts his hearing aid in, but turns it off because noise is annoying, says: WHO? Wha?

The nurse comes back in, she asks how much does your Mom weigh.

I answer 112 pounds. My Mom pipes in "not for long!"

Both my Dad and I crack up, the nurse just stares at us and walks out.

My Mom shows me the bruise on her arm, apparently they had a very hard time drawing blood for her in the morning, she goes on and on about how she has NO blood.

The nurse comes back in and tries to take her pressure, but she can't find the pulse.

My Mom turns to me and says: Oh boy, no blood in my veins AND no pulse! This might be more serious than I thought! I think I'm screwed.

I cover my mouth to stifle the laughing and bend over and whisper in her ear: Mama at least you will be safe from those pesky Twilight vampires.

She giggles.

Love and Marriage...pain and suffering

Just saying girls....just saying! December sucks, there is stress enough with Christmas, with out having husbands involved! Yesterday the hubs decided to drop of his car at the shop, well, 4 hours later, 4 tires later, brakes, spark plugs and synthetic oil, oh yeah, and $1500 later, he decides to call and tell me he did this. Hmmmmm, 3 weeks before Christmas, wow. No warning, no questions, just "oh yeah, btw"

Tiger Woods and his HOT ASS WIFE!

We live just down the street from Tiger Woods, about 3 miles away. He goes to the same gym the HUBS and kids go to, and you can run into him just about anywhere in this area.

Everyone likes him and he seems like an all around nice guy (not as nice as SHAQ, who lies down on the gym floor and lets people lie down next to him so you can measure just how insanely HUGE he is! *this is TRUE)

Anyway, when this whole crazy story broke, the first thing my step son said was:

-Oh yeah, my friend says he was at Blue Martini (a meat market for sugar daddies) and was drinking it up and hitting on all the girls on Wednesday night. (complete hearsay)

Hmmm, I had never thought about him that way, but then again, well, how shall I say this: HE IS A MAN.

Every time, they show the picture of his wife Elin on TV the 4 men I live with (ages 17-43) all say: She is so HOT, much HOTTER than those girls he is supposed to be cheating on.

So here is my note to Elin.

Dear Elin Nordegren Woods,

This has nothing to do with you, your role as a wife, lover or mother, or how beautiful you are, or if your boobs are saggy after 2 beautiful babies(Sam & Charlie.) It has nothing to do with weather you were to tired to have sex, or were not adventurous, or weather you nag, or pay more attention to your babies than you husband.

This is the hard part:

• 
  
  Do not feel ashamed


• 
  
  Do not be embarrassed


• 
  
  Never feel humiliated

You are not a laughing stock. No, not everybody knew and kept you in the dark, and you have NOT BEEN MADE A FOOL of!

Your husband, should feel all of the above. You can hold your head high and walk out the front door anytime you like, you can kick his ass to the curb, or you can forgive him and work on your marriage, that is your choice and your right as a woman, a wife and a mother. You are not a sucker if you choose the latter.

However, I found this photo on-line and if you want to do something like this, I support you as well!

Elin, I hope you have good girlfriends and your Mom is close by, if not, girl you give me a call, I will come right over, we can have a PJ party, with hot cocoa (spiked of course), we can laugh and cry and bitch and moan and in the morning you can either call a good ass lawyer or the best marriage counselor in town, you're going to need one of them sweetie!