Spanx, not for the faint hearted

Most of you know, I grew up in Latin America and they take the whole panty girdle (what Spanx used to be called) to a while other level. I'm talking about female body armor, bounce a dime off your ass, dime flies across the room takes someone eye out level.

I started wearing these garments when I was 14, and I tell you I had the whole collection, head to toe. In fact I can honestly say my virginity was preserved far more by these undergarments, than my poor judgment.

As an adult I still love the company of these undergarments. However I must warn you, they are not for everyone.

Here are a few examples of my worst experiences in my love/hate relationship with Spanx.

I LOVE how they make me look in my clothes.

I hate how expensive they are.

I hate how long it takes my fat ass to wiggle into one.

I hate that my hubs once walked in on me trying to pull them up and he says he is scarred for LIFE.

I hate that no matter how carful you are, you always feel like someone can see them under your skirt when you sit down or go up steps, and how UN-sexy is that?

I hate that if you go dancing and have a few (OK, like 10) drinks and go to the ladies room, there is ZERO chance you are getting those suckers back up.

Or you can text your Hubs and tell him to come to the bathroom to help you, but your drunk so you text the wrong person "Come here and help me get my panties up, fucker!"

Yeah, I especially hate that one.

I hate that every time I wear them I can't stop thinking about how sausage is made.

I hate that that particular mental image makes me hungry for some kielbasa w/ sauerkraut.

I hate that one of the contraptions was SO like an Iron Maiden that I cut a "pee hole" in the crotch for the purpose of not having to text some random person from a bathroom for help.

And then the pice of crap ran like a bad pair of panty hose, when it cost me a small fortune.

Why not buy one with snaps in the crotch you ask? Yeah, been there- worn those, when you you make any sudden mov they SNAP open, disastrous.

What's a girl to do, beside get a body transplant? Keep wearing those suckers.

Fat and Sad

Fat and sad, such a lovely combination! I have a bum thyroid, actually I have some nasty nodules which keep growing....

Just so you know how it works, Dr.'s will start you on the lowest possible amount of medication, wait 8 weeks re-test you and see if it works or if you need a higher dose.

This is how it went for me.

.25 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

.50 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

.75 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

100 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

112 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

125 mg for 8 weeks, 1 weeks blood work, 1 more week to see the doc "oh, it's still low" which was about +5 lbs for me.

You do the MATH...over 1 year and 30 lbs...so now when it finally seemed to be working, when BAM the nodules grew.

The Doctor asked me if I am having any of the symptoms below:

Symptoms of Hypothyroidism

• Fatigue
• Weakness
• Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
• Coarse, dry hair
• Dry, rough pale skin
• Hair loss
• Cold intolerance (you can't tolerate cold temperatures like those around you)
• Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
• Constipation
• Depression
• Irritability
• Memory loss
• Abnormal menstrual cycles
• Decreased libido

Now as you may know I have been unemployed since January so, yes, I am irritable, depressed, I'm pale since being depressed prevents me from leaving the house, I eat all day and watch TV in bed, so yeah I've gained weight....

So yeah, I'm FAT and SAD, but I am not sure if it's because I cant get a job or because my thyroid is a pice of crap that does not work!

Now get this....they want to biopsy and remove the nodules, so if I ever DO get an interview I get to go with a big purple angry ribbon scar across my neck (I scar keloid)

I can imagine the HR person right now, hmmm candidate number one or the lady that looks like her throat got slit?